Funny quotes

[32bit-RedMage]

Post funny quotes!
It doesn't matter where they are from (books,tv-shows,movies,comics, mangas etc.), just post 'em ! :D

I'll start with:
"Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!. I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I've tried left, left, up, b, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. And you know, they say you're supposed to go right, b, up, dodge, left, upperc-- heh, listen to me telling you how to play the game." (Petter Griffin- family guy)

[TIME BOMB]

"cuz i dont have a care if i dont have a load in my underwear" -mark hoppus of blink

Not so much a funny quote as a philosophy on life.

[Toast]

"Outside of Stalag 13, the word Klink doesn't mean anything other than the sound of two glasses knocking together." ~ Colonel Hogan (Hogan's Heroes)

I've got tons more, but they're on a file on my other computer.

[Darth SS]

"I want a Monterey Jack sandwich." "You want a cheese sandwich?" "No, I want meat." "What kind?" "MONTEREY JACK!"

- A good buddy of mine, quite drunk at Subway.

"I'm getting wheel-barrow drunk tonight." "Awesome, let's go get wheelchair'd."
- Another two friends.

[Thadius]

"For the purposes of this conversation, Satan isn't listening."

-Me and my brother have the most interesting conversations.

"Minions, no fighting!"
"Why does he get to be minion one?" "Because he listens."

-I met the most interesting people at college who agreed to work for me.

[Bard The 5th LW]

"My friend, now is not a time to be making enemies." - Commonly thought to be the last words of Voltaire, after a priest asked him if he renounced the devil. Not sure if he really said it, but I was amused by it.

"I can see that your years at m.i.t really pay for themself."-Barney Calhoun to Gordon Freeman in Half Life 2

[Doc ock rokc]

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
A classmate's advice to another classmate. Only he was serious.

"What do you think you are?"
"A smart ass"
"You have to be smart to be a smart ass, otherwise your just being an ass"
Teacher and stupid classmate at school.

[Darth SS]

"What do you think you are?"
"A smart ass"
"You have to be smart to be a smart ass, otherwise your just being an ass"
Teacher and stupid classmate at school.

Awesome exchange that my sister and I would have with our mom about 3 times a week.

"Stop being a smart ass." "Better than a dumb ass." "Keep it up, you can try being a dead ass."

[CelesJessa]

“Lesbian Nazi hookers, abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all that, tonight.” – UHF

[Toast]

“It would be impossible for you to steal a tiger tank, therefore I suspect you.” ~ Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Hogan's Heroes)

“I will throw those men into the cooler for the rest of their lives. Even after the war. Even if we lose!” ~ Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Hogan's Heroes)

“Giant rats? It's like the start of every bad adventure tale my grandfather used to tell.” ~ Ser Gilmore (Dragon Age)

Sten: People are not simple. They can not be defined for easy reference in the manner of: “the elves are a lithe, pointy-eared people who excel at poverty.”
(Dragon Age: Origins)

this is too much fun.

[Si Civa]

I was searcing to confirm "Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny" line by Zappa when I ran across with this beauty:
"Why should I smile when I'm sitting here with you?"

[Flarecobra]

Two friends of mine playing hangman on my last Iraq deployment:

"Four letter word that doesn't have an I..."
"Iraq."

While working, we often have a TV on just for background noise. This one show had some lions on, and an officer said this:

"The females are the ones with the manes, right?"
*Stunned silence*
"What? I didn't major in zoology!"

[A Zarkin' Frood]

I am about to - or I am going to - die: either expression is correct.
- Dominique Bouhours' last words.

[32bit-RedMage]

"It's like a mongoloid in a turd-kicking contest....." (Goon, the goon)

[Token]

Friend: "Token, you know I could take you down. I'm on the football team."
Me: "Bring it bitch, I'm on the chess team."

Best friend: "HE CAN RUN AT THE SPEED OF A HEDGEHOG."

Okay, this next one requires some explanation. The chamber choir I'm in was having a Christmas party at one of my friends house. Now this friend is known for being a complete tenor, and we tease him. A lot. It's all in good fun though. Anyway, we were all watching The Lion King, to piss him off (during a workshop at Disney, he and I both tried out for a solo from the movie, and I got it. Somehow.) We were all laughing and pointing out how we all sort of acted like some of the characters. Anyway, it was after the time skip, and Nala (a girl I was into at the time) had just tackled Simba (me) to the ground. At this point, everyone was joking about how that's how it would probably go down.
Her: "Yeah, there is no way on hell he'd be on top."
Me: "Not gonna lie, she's probably right."
Rest of the group: "Oh yeah, you'd totally be her bitch."
Me: "I wouldn't quite put it that way..."
The Tenor (dreamily): "Nah, Corey would never be on bottom... Shit, did I just say that?"
There was dead silence for about a minute, before we all cracked the hell up and he started stammering. Good times.

[TARDIS]

In all honestly, you sohuld have seen some of THESE coming.

"I am the Black Mage! I cast the spells that makes the peoples fall down!"
And this entire scene;
"Welcome to Corneria!"
"I like swords"
"Welcome to Corneria!"
"I like swords"
"Welcome to Corneria!"

And ofc...
"SWORDCHUCKS, YO!"

[Amake]

I was searcing to confirm "Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny" line by Zappa when I ran across with this beauty:
"Why should I smile when I'm sitting here with you?" Reminds me of once when I was playing Final Fantasy 7 and a friend who didn't have a lot of videogame experience looked on. Cloud died in a random fight, as I was playing very braindeadly while trying to converse. Then when we returned to the world map my friend remarked, "didn't that guy just die?"

Me, listening with some anticipation as I had no idea what I was going to say, still not missing a beat: "Yeah but he's still twitching."