PUNS!: Also Dammit Queeny!

[Premmy]

In this thread,we create and discuss horrible puns.

[Ryanderman]

I'm subscribed to a joke a day e-mail service. This was yesterdays:


A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
came and informed the dad that his son was born without a
torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he
could. Twenty-one years later, the son was old enough for
his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told
him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest
drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons
chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The
bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged
his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another
drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the
whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands,
he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of
it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy
stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He
stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front
door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The
bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while
he was a head."

[Amake]

Want another taste of my taekwondsleydale huh?

Okay, let me tell you the story of the worst pun I made all year in 2009. It came up in Eve Online chat, in the middle of a "strip mining" joke session.

Q: What do you call a fleet of Rokhs attacking you with medium size artillery?
A: Scorpions.

To explain, Rokhs, Scorpions and Hurricanes are all spaceships you can fly in Eve. "Rokh" is a homonym of "Rock". Hurricanes tend to attack you with medium size artillery. It follows that if a number of Rokhs used the same weapons, although they'd be quite inefficient at it, they'd do something to you similar to what a Hurricane would do.

Re. Ryanderman's joke, I like it. It almost qualifies as a Shaggy Dog story, although those are best if they're really really long (http://edge.i-hacked.com/so-theres-a-man-crawling-through-the-desert).

[Premmy]

Jake the snake is the most horrible thing ever.
Your pun loses points for requiring a nerdy-ass explanation.

Ryan Wins

LIGHTNING ROUND!

Puns involving Food and Weaponry.

winner gets a Kookie.

[Amake]

In the Swedish, we have the same word for "goal" and "meal". Soccer jokes abound.

Anyway, how about that new cannon diet? I bit the bullet and lost nine pounds in one shot.

[Premmy]

SHABAM! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RYCLfGE-_Q)
http://www.kauaikookie.com/images/K3silocutout.jpg

Now! Fire-Fight round!
Two Puns in succession!
Winner get's a beer!
Puns about:
Animals, and Music!

[Amake]

Overheard at the suicide cult party:
"This poison filling is yummy. What is it?"
"Gravy."

Edit: Oh we're on a new topic. Have you heard the one about the animals who started a band? It was a tuna and a bass.

(Again, I miss the Swedish. Our word for "shellfish" is "skaldjur" which could mean both "scale-animal" and "skald-animal".

And then there was the guy who played the horses. His favorite was the Camptown races.*

I can't think of any more but let me relate a funny story about some animals. Once upon a time there was an anthill that was bothered by an elephant. Every day, the elephant would come and stand next to the ants' home and stomp on the ground, causing relatively great earthquakes. Rebuilding their city for the fiftieth time, the ants decided they were going to have to kill the elephant.

So they all climbed into the trees and laid in ambush, and when the elephant came they lunged on his back and started whacking away. With one shrug of his neck, the elephant shrugged off all the ants, but one. That last ant desperately held on to a hair on the elephant's back, and the ant city looked up on her with desperate prayer in their eyes. She felt all their hopes and dreams resting on her back, and it seemed heavier even than the elephant.

Then, as one, the ant colony started chanting, loud enough for the elephant to hear, and this is what they said:

"Choke him, Amy! Choke him!"**

The end.

*Damn that's clever. Not as funny as taekwondsleydale though.
** Little known fact, all the ants in an ant colony are female except the rare specimen whose only purpose is to impregnate the queen.

[Funka Genocide]

I haven't understood one thing you've posted in this thread yet Queen.

[Amake]

Preems made a thread about fighting and cheese and i trumped his "brie-fu" and "karacheddar" with "taekwondsleydale", seamlessly blending taekwondo and wensleydale. It's the pun of the year and pretty much the reason for this thread.

Cannonballs often come in nine pound variants.

Poison filling fills up graves and is therefore gravy.

tuna and bass are musical-sounding names for fish.

Camptown Racetrack is five miles long, goes the song. If one were to play horses as a musical instrument it'd be a most ironic song to play.

And an ant choking an elephant is just silly.

Does that help?

[Seil]

Start scrolling down from here. (http://forum.nuklearpower.com/showthread.php?p=961939#post961939) Read until Mac ruins it.

[Premmy]

This thread is doing an excellent job of living up to its subtitle.

[Amake]

Mmm, running jokes are almost as good as puns themselves. Combined they rock. We need more themes!

I propose the zombie noise game. What does a vegetarian zombie say?
Grrrrrraaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnns.

A doctor zombie?
Sprraaaaaaaiiinnnnnnnnnnnnss.

Mr Miyagi zombie?
Crrraaaaaaaaaaaaiiinnnnnnns.

Magic the Gathering nerd zombie?
Plaaaaaaaaaaiinnnnnnnnnnssss.

[Funka Genocide]

Well I guess it makes more sense now...

[McTahr]

What do zombies hold for this thread?
Diissssdaaaaaaiiiiinnnnn... (s)

But seriously, overheard pun between two friends, one of which was working in the shoe department.

"I was on the ropes, but then I found a New Balance."

[Seil]

A man walked into his dentists office one morning complaining of a terrible toothache. "Doctor, you've got to help me," he said. The doctor sat him down and looked inside his mouth. He said "I'm not surprised you're hurting, your teeth are all going to rot. What have you been eating?

The man explained that his wife had just learned to make a wonderful hollandaise sauce, and he'd been having it on everything. The doctor told the man "Unfortunately, you're going to have to get a set of dentures, but I'll make them out of chrome for you.

When the man asked "Why would you make them out of chrome?" The dentist answered "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

[Julford Hajime]

Goddammit you guys are terrible at this.

http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/9002/notgonnaraichu.jpg

THERE.

[Amake]

Ooh, Raichu. That took a while to figure out.

I've made it my mission to write an even longer and even lamer joke than the story of Nate the snake and the lever that ends the world. Contenders for the punchline so far:
"Home is where the smart is."
"No desk for the wicked."
"Looking for love in all the long races."

Feel free to suggest some really tired, generic expressions.

[Green Spanner]

I've made it my mission to write an even longer and even lamer joke than the story of Nate the snake and the lever that ends the world. Contenders for the punchline so far:
"Home is where the smart is."
"No desk for the wicked."
"Looking for love in all the long races."

Your PUNchlines have taken a decade off my life.

Although that's probably the end result of this whole thread.

[Ravashak]

A man walks into a bar
Ouch

[Token]

Goddammit you guys are terrible at this.

http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/9002/notgonnaraichu.jpg

THERE.

http://i48.tinypic.com/s6otx1.jpg

Pokepuns are my territory, slut.

[Green Spanner]

A man walks into a bar
Ouch

A man walks into a drum kit.

*badum tish*

[Lost in Time]

Those pokepuns make me cry. So hard.

During work a few days ago I thought of the perfect pun, but I can't remember it now. I'll post it in this space if I remember it.

[Julford Hajime]

Those pokepuns make me cry. So hard.
http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/16283/original/arbok.jpg
Pokepun is the single greatest image search I have ever done.

[Token]

http://i47.tinypic.com/219nac6.jpg

[Julford Hajime]

http://i47.tinypic.com/219nac6.jpg
I...

I don't think I can beat that. I lose. Nothing will ever beat that. Ever. Victory goes to Token, while I shall go an wallow in a hole for the rest of my life due to lacking the ability to post a pokepun quite that great.

Oh, but wait!
http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/18407/original/Shaymin_Pokepun.png?1252883342
I guess I'm good, then :D

[Token]

I...

I don't think I can beat that. I lose. Nothing will ever beat that. Ever. Victory goes to Token, while I shall go an wallow in a hole for the rest of my life due to lacking the ability to post a pokepun quite that great.

Oh, but wait!
http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/18407/original/Shaymin_Pokepun.png?1252883342
I guess I'm good, then :D

Touche. Allow me to express my feelings in song:


http://i47.tinypic.com/dmpjc5.jpg

Edit: In case you're wondering, it's by http://i47.tinypic.com/aff2io.jpg

[Donomni]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a121/Donomni/Ditto.png

[Token]

http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab324/LirumLirum/pokepun6.png

[krogothwolf]

http://knowyourmeme.com/i/29585/original/125987344368.jpg?1260120605

[MasterOfMagic]

I've known the names of like...2 of these so far. I fail so hard.

[krogothwolf]

I've known the names of like...2 of these so far. I fail so hard.

http://knowyourmeme.com/i/18410/original/PokepunS5.jpg?1252883441

[Token]

http://knowyourmeme.com/i/29585/original/125987344368.jpg?1260120605

http://i47.tinypic.com/169gll1.jpg

[Funka Genocide]

ok after the first 150 I don't know what the fuck is going on so somebody fill that thing in with sense or else.

[krogothwolf]

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/37175

[Token]

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/37175

http://i48.tinypic.com/hurs5z.jpg

[krogothwolf]

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/16281

[Token]

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/16281

LITTLE GIRL

http://i46.tinypic.com/1zzmkgg.jpg

[krogothwolf]

http://i46.tinypic.com/1zzmkgg.jpg

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/18403

[MasterOfMagic]

I am adrift at sea, and the water keeps http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/9748/monimageporing.jpg down.

Am I doing it right?

[Token]

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/18403

In that case, I'll bring a book to read.
http://i48.tinypic.com/2jg8dvo.jpg

[Geminex]

This is horrible. That is all there is to it. I mean honestly, I was expecting something bad to show up on this thread, but if what I expected was Episode II, then this is the fucking christmas special.
Dammit, guys.

[Token]

This is horrible. That is all there is to it. I mean honestly, I was expecting something bad to show up on this thread, but if what I expected was Episode II, then this is the fucking christmas special.
Dammit, guys.

This is what revokes my Kool Kid status? I can't BAYLEEF it.

[Julford Hajime]

This is horrible. That is all there is to it. I mean honestly, I was expecting something bad to show up on this thread, but if what I expected was Episode II, then this is the fucking christmas special.
Dammit, guys.

Indeed. In fact I would say that I
http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/18417/original/Absol_Pokepun.jpg
agree with you, Geminex.

[Token]

Indeed. In fact I would say that I
http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/18417/original/Absol_Pokepun.jpg
agree with you, Geminex.

If I could rep you again right now I would. <3

[Ecks]

http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/18407/original/Shaymin_Pokepun.png?1252883342

Aw dammit, I lost the game.

MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER PANEL, THIS HAPPENED:
http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/616/charmander.gif

[Bob The Mercenary]

This is too good not to try.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/BobtheMercenary/129.jpg

[Seil]

http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u59/Poetisch/poke3.jpg
http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u59/Poetisch/poke2.jpg
http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u59/Poetisch/poke1.jpg

[Donomni]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a121/Donomni/Mew.png

[Wigmund]

http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/31396/small/oddishSC.jpg

[Azisien]

This thread.....is awesome!

[CelesJessa]

I've been waiting a long time for a thread awesome enough to use this image on...

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9858/2i1jhie.gif

[Wigmund]

7143

[Toastburner B]

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z318/Bhaunted/prs/ThisThreadIsAwesome.jpg

[Amake]

Just for knowing the names of all those pokemon, someone's gonna PIKACHU nerds.

[Premmy]

This thread, oh GOD this thread.

[Julford Hajime]

Just think, Prem. This is all YOUR fault.

[Premmy]

This is like watching my firstborn son graduate from superhero school..... Dear god, it's beautiful.

[Geminex]

Only it's not like your firstborn son graduating from superhero school, it is more like that experiment you did with the uranium smoldering for a bit and then killing the world forever. And then people with pitchforks charge at you, intent on violating you anally. With their pitchforks. And their torches. Because it is horrible and you are horrible. Enjoy the anthrax. Dick.

[Wigmund]

7145
GENOME from somewhere before?
Why yes, I've l-OCELOT of weight.
TENGU for the compliment.

[Red Fighter 1073]

http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs096.snc3/16339_210334308550_739973550_3110807_3126487_n.jpg

Monocle eevee beats all.

[krogothwolf]

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kujql0RTZL1qzpwi0o1_400.jpg

[Seil]

http://forum.nuklearpower.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7145&d=1266589845

I know my Metal Gear, and I couldn't figure that one out.

[32bit-RedMage]

Look at what you made me do !!!
Are you happy now ?!

[Wigmund]

I know my Metal Gear, and I couldn't figure that one out.

That's why I included the translation, like I wish all these pokepuns would too.

[Ravashak]

But then, how could they let you feel left out? xP

[Red Fighter 1073]

Ok nevermind Krogo's Admiral Ackbar pun wins the thread imo (or at least for now).. I really wish I could go to the place that had that sign

[Premmy]

Only it's not like your firstborn son graduating from superhero school, it is more like that experiment you did with the uranium smoldering for a bit and then killing the world forever. And then people with pitchforks charge at you, intent on violating you anally. With their pitchforks. And their torches. Because it is horrible and you are horrible. Enjoy the anthrax. Dick.

Now how else do you expect my son to get superpowers?
edit: also
http://i26.tinypic.com/2mfi3ah.gif

[32bit-RedMage]

Oh no! Is this NSFW ???

[Kage_Kurisu]

I have a blocked nosepass me a tissue ^_^

[32bit-RedMage]

Dammit King Steve! Just stop doing this!