Tell me a good joke.

[BullCut]

I need to laugh. Tell me some really good jokes. They can be related to any topic and be however long you'd like it to be.

Go.

[Green Spanner]

My friend Sid was the victim of ID theft. He's just 'S' now.

...

...Oh right, you asked for a good joke.

Well, I'll be off then.

[Eldezar]

There are two teenagers that have been going out for awhile. One night, the girl tells her boyfriend, "I'm ready to have sex, but I want you to meet my family first."

Before heading out to his girlfriend's house, the boy realizes he needs to buy some condoms, so he goes to the local pharmacy.

Inside, he is aghast at all the different types of condoms; her pleasure, his pleasure, ultra-ribbed, screwdriver, flavored... so many to choose from.

A pharmacist comes up to the boy asking if he needs any help, and the boy tells him he is going to have sex for the first time, but he's a little confused on what to do.

The pharmacist helps the boy out, and even gives the kid a few pointers. He tells the kid all the sweet spots and the no-nos. The kid leaves very well-informed and fully equipped.

Later that evening, he arrives at his girlfriend's house just in time for dinner. As they sit at the table, the boy offers to say grace. After five minutes, the boy is still praying. Finally, twenty minutes go by as the boy is still praying, having not even touched his food.

His girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist!"

[bluestarultor]

An archaeologist had gone to Peru in search of lost civilizations and, with his crew, managed to stumble onto an untouched royal burial chamber. Lying there on the ground was a hard, oblong object. He picked it up, and upon examination, realized he was holding the petrified penis of a prehistoric Peruvian prince. In his excitement, he rushed out of the crypt, put it in a bag, and scribbled out a letter to the lab, saying, "I believe here enclosed is the petrified penis of a prehistoric Peruvian prince. Please confirm." He sealed it up and mailed it off, awaiting confirmation. When the reply came, he tore open the envelope and read the letter. "We are sorry to inform you that your specimen was not, in fact, the petrified penis of a prehistoric Peruvian prince, but came from a carnivorous creature which crept into the crypt and crapped."

[Professor Smarmiarty]

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

[Wigmund]

Three students are looking at a board and on are the numbers: 1, 2, 3, 5
And they are trying to determine the next number in the series.

The first student, a Physicist, goes "Those are prime numbers. So the next number in the series is 7."
The second student, a Math major, states "No, it's the Fibonacci sequence. So the next number is 8."
The final student, an Engineer, declares "It's all wrong. The numbers should go 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5."

--------------------------

That calculus professor didn't care for engineers...or any one else other than math majors really.

[Julford Hajime]

Man, the physicist wasn't even RIGHT in his example. 1 isn't prime, according to every damn teacher I've ever had >.>

Er... I've got nothing but a lame brick joke that I don't even fully know, having only heard it once and ad libbing the parts I forgot.

[Geminex]

And for that matter, the fibonacci sequence goes
0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8... (to infinity and beyond!)

The sequence on the board would be missing a 0 and a 1.

[phil_]

A proton, neutron, and electron are walking down the street. The proton and neutron walk into a bar, and the electron quantum tunnels through.

Edit for _mike's joke: Why is embryology the most depressing profession?

Because they know life's ova before it's begun.

[Arhra]

A group of percussionists walk into a bar.

Ba-dum PSH!

[Amake]

Once upon a time there was a bus driver. He did his job fairly and well, and did not consider himself a timid man, until one day the monster came on his bus.

'Monster don't pay', it said, and walked right by the driver and sat down in the back of the bus.

The driver was more than speechless, he was paralyzed, drained of all thought. He failed to report the incident to his supervisors, but carried it in silence for almost a week, until it happened again.

Like before, the thing squeezed through the bus door and forcefully stepped past the driver, barely recognizing his existence with a dismissive look and again, the words, spoken like a wet rotting thing from under the earth, 'Monster don't pay.'

This went on for several months, during which the driver often switched shifts and drove different routes, but the creature almost seemed to follow him, taunting, mocking, delighting in the terror it gave and the power it held over the poor driver. All it ever said, like a mantra, was 'Monster don't pay.'

Eventually, the driver's resolve grew stronger. He said to his bus driver wife one night, 'I'm not going to let it beat me', and as he spoke he felt some steel deep inside the core of himself that he had not before been aware of. He took night classes, and as his shift changed he took day classes, in positive thinking, in conflict management, in assertiveness and confidence, in the arts of war and martial combat. He lifted weights and ran, and slowly his bus driver belly turned into muscles, and he began moving with a different poise, a different purpose in his step and a newfound gentleness in the swing of his shoulders, as if he was taking care not to break things as he touched them.

Eventually, the driver was ready. On a crisp spring morning like any other the monster came on his bus and said, with the same nonchalant cruelty as always, 'Monster don't pay.' But this time, the driver embraced the steel within him and spoke, with a loud and commanding voice.

'And why doesn't Monster pay for his ticket like everyone else?' he said.

'Monster has month card', it said.

[stabbity death]

Preacher John was driving down the highway when he saw a cop pull up behind him and hit his lights. Preacher John had been sipping from a bottle in a paper bag, and he threw it to the floor. The cop says he pulled over Preacher John because he had been swerving.

"Have you been drinking, Preacher John?" asks the cop. Preacher John says no. "What's that on the floor?" the cop asks, pointing at the bagged bottle.

"It's water, officer" Preacher John says. The cop holds out his hand and Preacher John gives him the bottle. The cop opens the top and sniffs. "Why, Preacher John! This here isn't water. This here is wine!"

Preacher John clasped his hands, looked up and said with a smile "Good Lord done did it again!"