How to Spot a Masturbator

[Kim]

This is a very serious issue confronting America's youth (http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/)

One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man's mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, 'That smells like semen.' If the boy's face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear.Pffffffffthahahahaha

Goddamn this is so stupid it's fantastic.

[Archbio]

Deeply inhaling young men's mattresses: will never, ever sound wholesome.

Hey, I know how you spot a masturbator: they're breathe!

[POS Industries]

Ohohoho I just found me a new avatar!

[Rejected Again]

This (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8) is the only thing I could think about while reading that article.

[DFM]

Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package!

[Krylo]

Ohohoho I just found me a new avatar!

Me too!

Also, not as good as the article but still great are the people arguing with the author in the comments.

[Rejected Again]

Why not, the pokemon was getting old

[POS Industries]

GUYZ COME ON THIS IS THE HARDEST AND MOST EXPLOSIVE ISSUE OF OUR AGE

WE NEED TO TAKE A FIRM GRASP OF THE SITUATION BEFORE THINGS REACH A CLIMAX AND WE AS A SOCIETY REALLY FIND OURSELVES IN A STICKY SITUATION

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Raw calloused hands... beard....loose fitting clothes...unwashed hair...
http://www.jrcls.org/student_resources/upload/event_Lancegib_20090922042500_Image_-_Jesus_Christ.jpg How could you Jesus?

[Marc v4.0]

Sodomy Is Never The Answer

[POS Industries]

Raw calloused hands... beard....loose fitting clothes...unwashed hair...
http://www.jrcls.org/student_resources/upload/event_Lancegib_20090922042500_Image_-_Jesus_Christ.jpg How could you Jesus?
And just look what happened to him!

[Professor Smarmiarty]

And just look what happened to him!

I'm reading a book about him, it's called Bibble? or something, I'm halfwa through but he onl just been born, he already caused such a ruckus, can't wait to see what happens next, dont spoil it for me plz.

Edit: Hohohoho, those moneylenders are in for a surprise.

[Wigmund]

Masturbation causes cock cancer (http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2009-01/drop-sock-masturbation-may-cause-cancer)? Oh no! Why did I have to look at all that online porn?!

[BitVyper]

Colossians 3:5: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” Fastest way to do three out of five? Masturbation.

"Provided by Dr. Louisa Phillips, DHg"

What is a DHg? 'Cause all I can find that uses that abbreviation is some foreign black metal band.

Is this a well-known site? 'Cause it looks like a (good) fake.

[shiney]

I'm reading a book about him, it's called Bibble? or something, I'm halfwa through but he onl just been born, he already caused such a ruckus, can't wait to see what happens next, dont spoil it for me plz.

Edit: Hohohoho, those moneylenders are in for a surprise.
Yeah, sigged.

[Ecks]

I will be DEAD before I stop masturbating over something silly like cancer.

That said... why the HELL would you want to smell a dude's mattress? Pretty sure semen isn't the only smell a guy leaves in a bed.

Also, if you're familiar with the smell of semen, you really have no right to judge a guy for jerking off.

[krogothwolf]

Also, if you're familiar with the smell of semen, you really have no right to judge a guy for jerking off.

They could be training Semen smelling dogs!

And everyone knows Chronic Masturbator's will do it in the Shower and won't even bother disrobing! The easy reference sheet is a LIE! They have ruined my faith! Curse you and your lies about what a Chronic Masturbator looks like, now I shall never know what man I shake hands with was just doing! DAMN YOU ALL TO HECK CHRISTWIRE!

And since when were Jesery Shore actor's TV Stars! THIS ARTICLE IS FULL OF LIES!!!! AND FALSE TRUTHS!

[Bells]

I'm reading a book about him, it's called Bibble? or something, I'm halfwa through but he onl just been born, he already caused such a ruckus, can't wait to see what happens next, dont spoil it for me plz.

Edit: Hohohoho, those moneylenders are in for a surprise.

I won't spoil it for you, buit i was disappointed. In the book he is supposed to be this Carpenter, working on his father shop? Well.. i read the whole thing, he doesn't even make a freaking chair!

Also... who masturbates in bed? What? are you trying to "enhance the experience" by closing the gap between mono-love and real-love with a common setting...? What?

[Osterbaum]

Also... who masturbates in bed? What? are you trying to "enhance the experience" by closing the gap between mono-love and real-love with a common setting...? What?
If you had a laptop, why not masturbate in bed?

[Amake]

I'm glad that the only concern about girls masturbating is that it may or may not be related to yeast infection in some cases. Girls, as it were, only want to have fun.

Joking aside, what is the real issue here? I think it's about teenagers exhibiting lack of energy and developing personalities. And it's the mission of every God-fearing parent to shame their children into not only directing their efforts into becoming rich, famous and clean-looking like Matt Damon, but repressing their sexuality so they can have some interesting psychological problems to deal with in their middle age.

are you trying to "enhance the experience" by closing the gap between mono-love and real-love with a common setting...?
Yeop.

[bluestarultor]

If you had a laptop, why not masturbate in bed?

Because you have to sleep in your bed.



Something that bothers me about the bed test: what about wet dreams? Seriously, part of puberty here. I'm sure a lot more guys whiten their sheets by accident than intentionally. And that's just as embarrassing for a teen to talk about. At least that's out of your control, though, rather than mucking it up on purpose.

[Kim]

Because you have to sleep in your bed.

A fair point, though that's kinda why people wash their sheets every once in a while. That, and all the dead skin that your body is constantly leaving behind I mean eeeeewwwwww. Dead skin is far grosser than semen.

I'm sure a lot more guys whiten their sheets by accident than intentionally.I'm not sure I agree with your assessment.

[bluestarultor]

A fair point, though that's kinda why people wash their sheets every once in a while. That, and all the dead skin that your body is constantly leaving behind I mean eeeeewwwwww. Dead skin is far grosser than semen.

Dead skin isn't sticky.

I'm not sure I agree with your assessment.

Speaking from my own experience with a laptop, I'm sitting on my bed with it right now and the last thing I'd want is to put my elbow into something unsavory, much less sleep in it. Just a sample size of one for all it's worth.

[BloodyMage]

I don't think the point of the test is to actually smell the semen since the article directs the parent to smell the bed and then declare that it smells like semen regardless of whether it does or not. The point of the test is to gauge the reaction of the suspected masturbator, though that doesn't make it any less stupid since a smart child would just state that it was a wet dream. Seriously, who would run out of the room at that question?

[bluestarultor]

I don't think the point of the test is to actually smell the semen since the article directs the parent to smell the bed and then declare that it smells like semen regardless of whether it does or not. The point of the test is to gauge the reaction of the suspected masturbator, though that doesn't make it any less stupid since a smart child would just state that it was a wet dream. Seriously, who would run out of the room at that question?

A smart child would actually probably call them out on it unless he'd actually been doing so, and possibly even if he had. Unless there's actually an issue, why admit to anything at all?

[Kim]

A smart child would say, "I wouldn't know." Makes the parent feel embarassed for saying it, exonerates the child. Or at least does so as much as the child can be. To be honest, if you're smelling your kids mattress and saying "This smells like semen!" to try and get them to confess, you've already decided that they are masturbating, and nothing's going to convince you otherwise.

Here is a simple method of physically restricting masturbation.
Some members of my church have used Super Glue to seal the entrance of their daughter?s vaginas and/or fastening down the hood on the little man-in-the-boat that dirty girls fiddle with. (This resulted in an infection for two of the girls because the urine hole was inadvertently pinched off ? so be aware not to restrict the salty squirt)
Super Glue has also been employed in controlling four randy young men in the congregation by affixing the penis to the scrotum such that the penis cannot rise upon sinful thought. This results in the added benefit of humiliating the masterbaters as they must sit to urinate. Young members of our church fully understand the consequence of sinful thought and no semen or honey has dripped in our church for almost two years now.
Praise God! and thank him for Super Glue.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH PLEASE BE A JOKE PLEASE BE A JOKE

[bluestarultor]

Okay, I just have to say this.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, PEOPLE! STOP MAKING PEOPLE OF FAITH LOOK BAD! http://s.cdn.gaiaonline.com/images/common/smilies/icon_scream.gif

I am physically nauseated from reading that. :mad:

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Ladies and gents, I present to you... Organised Religion! The most fucked up of human creations!!

Seriously this whole article is fucked up on so many levels I don't even know where to begin, so I'm classing it all as utterly terrible and trying to purge it from my mind. I just hope the entire thing is a fake site taking the piss out of religious beliefs but I honestly can't tell.

[Viridis]

You know this site is a joke, right guys?

World of Warcraft to Release Justin Bieber Expansion in August
Leaked Justin Bieber Diary: Plays With Knives, A Blade Demon named ?Ylang?
Proof Blacks Are Possessed By Satan and Are A Violent Species
I Am Extremely Terrified Of Chinese People
Do Gay Pets Go To Heaven?

Poe's law in effect here?

[krogothwolf]

Dead skin isn't sticky.


Dude, you are such a baby. Have you never had a Wet Dream before man? Shesh. Nothing wrong with Wankin it in the bed. Though in the Shower with a TV screen to play the porn be kinda cool too.


To NonCon's post: What, The, Fuck! Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I would have been happy not knowing that...Super Glue? Not only that, it should be considered abuse.

Man, I so hope Gat pets go to heaven. I think almost all male dog's are bisexual!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH PLEASE BE A JOKE PLEASE BE A JOKE


My inner cynic says no.

[bluestarultor]

You know this site is a joke, right guys?

Poe's law in effect here?

Other than the WoW thing, most of those would fit with a normal crazy site.

That's the scary thing. There are actually people who are really like this out there.


Edit: Checking the page right now, there's nothing in the related articles that seem too out of place.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I guess it wouldn't be wise to bait them then.

[krogothwolf]

I guess it wouldn't be wise to bait them then.

They're probably Master's at dealing with Bait.

[CelesJessa]

All I'm going to ask is: Is it bad that when I first read the topic title that I took "spot" as, like, what people do for each other when doing gymnastics? I was really curious why one would need a spotter for masturbation...

Also yeah I'm getting hardcore satire vibes from this website.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

That whole site screams satire. The way it's written also. You don't want to tell me that such crazies exist? And they can read and write? And there are other crazy people who support the crazy people. Maaan, it's a nightmare.
I mean, I like to think it's a joke so I don't lose all my faith in humanity. Not much to lose, though.

[krogothwolf]

All I'm going to ask is: Is it bad that when I first read the topic title that I took "spot" as, like, what people do for each other when doing gymnastics? I was really curious why one would need a spotter for masturbation...

I'd be guessing so that the guy didn't jerk so hard he pulled of skin or something? Or it's a kink thing!

[Fenris]

This thread is gross.

[Amake]

Yeah now that I think about it, it seems obvious the site's target audience would never reach the site before their children.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

I dunno, there are some pretty internet savvy fundies and other enemies of masturbation out there. The only thing they lack is the common sense to tell they are being mocked.

[Kim]

I think it says something about the religious crazies that even if this is satire, it's incredibly easy to believe that religious crazies really think like this.

[Krylo]

Viridis already mentioned Poe's Law (http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/Poe%27s_Law) so yeah, it's not surprising lots of people took it at face value.

[Magus]

Guys, it's a joke, did you not see the diagrams.

http://i44.tinypic.com/205quxk.jpg

And the other articles:

Do gay pets go to heaven? (http://christwire.org/2010/04/do-gay-pets-go-to-heaven/)

As I have explored before, the cat is one of the most common offenders against the commandments of God and it is truly a sin for a Christian to own one.

Proof Blacks Are Possessed By Satan and are a Violent Species (http://christwire.org/2010/05/proof-blacks-are-possessed-by-satan-and-are-a-violent-species/)

A new video has surfaced of two blacks attacking each other. One is a teacher and the other is a student. From trusted sources, it has been reported the student was acting up (typical black child at school) and the teacher warned him over and over to stop. The child then throw a desk at teacher in a “spear throwing” motion which caused the teacher to be engulfed in black rage. The teacher then ran up to the child and attacked him using some type of Zulu martial arts punch moves.

New Infant Doll Sex Toy Created For Homosexuals (http://christwire.org/2010/04/new-infant-doll-sex-toy-created-for-homosexuals/)

Now again these filth factories want to produce a doll that has a working human twiddle rompus!! You can see from the start of this unclassified video that a gay man with a fake French accent comes wondering in while two little girls are playing with a baby doll! Look at the excitement in his sin whore eyes when his starts to hungerously gaze at the fake babies wee-wankous!

[A Zarkin' Frood]

Guys, it's a joke, did you not see the diagrams.



A joke? Your post smells like semen!
That's right, I inhaled it.

EDIT: Not the post, that would be gross, just its smell.

[krogothwolf]

Do you think people really care if it's a joke or not? Like seriously, It's fun to mock and dink around with the subject so why does it matter? Plus it grosses out Fenris so that's a bonus!

[Krylo]

I think you guys talking about where you masturbate, and whether or not you mind sleeping in it is pretty much gross to anyone with a modicum of sensibility.

Just tossing that out there.

[Osterbaum]

Because you have to sleep in your bed.
Nobody said you had to cum ON your sheets or anything.

This thread is gross.
Not until someone posts a pic of themselves, masturbating.

[Marc v4.0]

On that note, what sort of baum -is- OSTERbaum?

[Kim]

Man, I never said I did in my bed.

Grossness aside, I have an HP laptop. If I set it on my bed, I'm pretty sure the blankets would cover part of one fan and my lappy would catch fire.

Fucking HP

[krogothwolf]

Not until someone posts a pic of themselves, masturbating.

Isn't that what ChatRoullette is for?


Grossness aside, I have an HP laptop. If I set it on my bed, I'm pretty sure the blankets would cover part of one fan and my lappy would catch fire.

Fucking HP


I had to buy a USB fan for my HP laptop due to poor Fan placement on their laptops...Fucking HP Indeed

[Meister]

Nobody said you had to cum ON your sheets or anything.
Seriously you'd think we were talking about water beds filled with the stuff or something

[Krylo]

Seriously you'd think we were talking about water beds filled with the stuff or something

And then I hated you forever.

[Token]

I want to click the link for "retarded ejaculation," but I know it won't be nearly as good as the mental image it instills.

[krogothwolf]

I want to click the link for "retarded ejaculation," but I know it won't be nearly as good as the mental image it instills.

It's just 5 facts about Masturbation. It's a very disappointing read. So sad :( I was hoping for something entertaining and disturbing at the same time.

Is it bad that I started to think how a water bed full of the stuff would actually work?

[Marc v4.0]

Is it bad that I started to think how a water bed full of the stuff would actually work?

YES

[Hanuman]

If religious fanatics haven't made them scared of their own shadow, they don't have a messed up sense of social righteousness and they are sexually active, they masturbate, period.
Some of my friends work in adult stores, girls and guys, and I can tell you that most of these points about defending the wholesomeness of the norm vs dirty rumors are flat out denial by people who refuse to look at themselves in the mirror.

[Rejected Again]

This is the greatest thread ever. Also Krogo, a water bed full of it is kinda cumfy.

[krogothwolf]

This is the greatest thread ever. Also Krogo, a water bed full of it is kinda cumfy.

Till it bursts!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

This is the greatest thread ever. Also Krogo, a water bed full of it is kinda cumfy.

Till it bursts!

I want you guys to die now!

[krogothwolf]

I want you guys to die now!

Now Mac, why would you be so mean, I was just pointing out a problem with that sort of "water" bed.

[Wigmund]

Wonder if you could blame it on the bed if someone gets pregnant?

"It's not my fault you got knocked up. It was my bed.
It's full of my vigorous seed."


Oh god, I did the math to figure out how long it would take to fill a queen-sized water bed (187 gallons) with one's seed. Let's just say you shouldn't have any plans for nearly the next six years.

Water bed = 187 gallons (707872 mL)
Average squirt = 3.5 mL
Squirts to fill bed = 202249.14 times
Assuming 4 times per hour = 50562.29 hrs
24 hrs/day = 2106.76 days
365 days/yr = 5.77 yrs

[Nikose Tyris]

With the speed semen dries/vanishes into sheets, you stand no risk of 'rolling' into it or gettin' sticky. At least, it's gone by morning to a point you can't see it, smell it, or touch it.

Related News: My mom still thinks Christwire isn't parody. True Story.

Edit: Your math is flawed, or rather you're basis on semen production speed is flawed (or based on yourself, which is kind of sad I think.) I'm pretty sure I could manage it inside a year.

[Grimpond]

Now Zach, don't you think that bed would be similar to a bowl of thick pudding?

[Osterbaum]

Till it bursts!
Actually that's when it gets REALLY good.

[krogothwolf]

I wonder if a girl has gotten pregnant from someone's wet dream seed. Or even left over jerk of seed....herm....Is that even possible?

[Osterbaum]

It is possible to get pregnant from a small amount of sperm. It's just not all that propable. And the sperm has to be live, obviosly. So no week-old spills.

[Bells]

So, we had a thread where we spoke about a forumite's boobs, and now we go with spunk mattress...

I can hardly wait for the next episode!

[Rejected Again]

I wonder if a girl has gotten pregnant from someone's wet dream seed. Or even left over jerk of seed....herm....Is that even possible?

One know case. Her name was Mary and she was a virgin.

Edit: Next week, cock talk!

[Meister]

This must be how Pandora felt.

[POS Industries]

Oh, that wacky Pandora.

Always playing with her box.

[Premmy]

And you would not BELIEVE how smelly her bed was.

[Osterbaum]

But atleast it was the softest bed ever.

[bluestarultor]

The rest of you guys don't need to worry. There's always hope.

[POS Industries]

After all the horrible things that came out of there last time she opened it up, I don't really have any desire to go in there digging for it, personally.

[Premmy]

You shouldn't talk about your mother like that, POS.

[POS Industries]

See, the difference with her is that there was never any hope inside to begin with.

[Token]

The rest of you guys don't need to worry. There's always hope.

It's kind of hard to think "All will be well" when we're talking about waterbeds full of cum BURSTING.

[Ecks]

God dammit, I hate it when I miss these threads.

Next time, fuck mowing the lawn. Because I can always do it tomorrow. ALWAYS.

[Wigmund]

It's kind of hard to think "All will be well" when we're talking about waterbeds full of cum BURSTING.

I'd figure the cumbed would become sentient and escape. Then you'd have cumblobs going around devouring hookers, Japanese schoolgirls and who knows what else.

[Mondt]

I saw this a while ago and I thought it was satire. Like, most of it reads like crazy people but there are sentences here and there that literally make no sense.

[krogothwolf]

I'd figure the cumbed would become sentient and escape. Then you'd have cumblobs going around devouring hookers, Japanese schoolgirls and who knows what else.

Cumtacle monsters?

[Magus]

I saw this a while ago and I thought it was satire. Like, most of it reads like crazy people but there are sentences here and there that literally make no sense.

The article or this thread?

[Mondt]

The article or this thread?

....

Well, i didn't realize page 2 was done by the time I posted, but the article.

This thread is pretty out there too. XD

[Rejected Again]

Cumtacle monsters?

Cum Blob (Large Evil Insider)
CR:13
Hp: 29d12+150(324)
AC: 13( +3 Natural ac) Immunity/ Piercing DR 5/magic
SR:10
Bab: 12

Attacks:As per the standard Oozes

Bukkakie(I can't spell it, and I am sure as hell not googleing it): Any Female who is engulfed withing a Cum Blob must make a dc 14 Fortitude save or instantly become permanently seduced my the Cum Blob, yielding to its every whim.

That's fucking gross man: Any Male engulfed by the Cum Blob is immediately sickened for 2d10 rounds. There is no save.

Feel free to use this to horrify anyone in your next DnD game.

[Hanuman]

I dabble in DMing, I'll just tweak this a little bit if you don't mind....
------------
Excretion Ooze (Large Ooze) [Face 10'x10']
[CR:10] [HD: 10d10+19 (Av. 74HP)] [BAB+4] [SPD20'] [Init+0]
[Atk: Slam 1d8+5dmg (+9Melee) Grapple +13, 5' Reach]
[AC 9 = 10 + (-1 Size)] [Fort+3, Will+3, Ref+3]
STR20 DEX10 CON15 0Int
Org: Solitary
Treasure: None
Alignment: Neutral

[(Ex) Blindsight20: Fight and see as well as a sighted creature withing 20ft, an excretion ooze does not need to make a listen or spot check to notice a creature in this range.]

[(Ex) Putrid Body: Any creature excretion ooze hits with open wounds must succeed a DC25 Fortitude save or be infected with Filth Fever (inc3day, 1d3dex 1d3con).
Any creature hit by excretion ooze must succeed a DC15 fortitude save or be affected by it's horrid stench and sickening the creature for 1d6 rounds.]

[(Ex) Engulf15ref: Bowl over medium or smaller creatures, the ooze can engulf as many characters as it can fit within it's covered area. Each target can EITHER make an AoO against the ooze, or attempt a DC19 reflex save, success means the winning characters are either pushed back or to the side (character's choice). An excretion ooze cannot attempt a slam in the same round as an engulf, but each engulfed character is considered both grappled and trapped, such characters take automatic slam, empty and become (nauseated FortSave22).

[(Ex) Empty: Any creature grappling with or engulfed by excretion ooze must succeed a DC20 Fort Save or be emptied of fluids, this deals 1 Con damage ((character takes dex damage equal to her current dex score if she reaches 1 constitution, at which point the excretion ooze stops dealing any con damage))and the character must then succeed a DC15 Will save or take 1d3 wisdom damage from the trauma. Any character who has been emptied gains a -1 moral bonus for the next 24 hours.]

[(Ex) Fill: Any creature who has 0 dexterity and is currently grappled by the excretion ooze is then filled and is no longer trapped nor grappled within the oozes body, any character filled in this way takes 1d6 wisdom damage and <an additional 1 permanent wisdom damage and 100xp loss (DC16 Will Save)>.
A Filled creature is considered a host (Has filth fever and is constantly nauseated), ((recovers 3 Con, not effecting Dex)), and takes 1d3 dexterity damage per day, in 6 days a tiny excretion ooze forms inside the host's body and is considered grappled and trapped, the host takes slam damage once per round, if the host dies, the excretion ooze pours out of all orifices of the host's corpse and is no longer grappled or trapped.]

Immune to: Sleep, Stun, Critical, Paralysis, Poison, Flanking, Charms, Compulsions, Patterns, Morale Effects.
------------

[Amake]

How about a weakness to latex and other such impregnable materials?

[Hanuman]

You mean rubber? Sure it's like a hazmat suit then it will block out the putrid body and the fill, but won't stop the slam, engulf or empty.

[Geminex]

I could totally see this as a campaign setting.

A dark pillar has appeared. Rising slowly but inorexably, pulsuating organically, until it stood tall and towered over the land. A thing of darkness, located in the wirewood forest, this dark tower brought a sense of foreboding to all who saw it. Foreboding that was soon justified, when it started spawning the dreaded Excrection Ooze, which ravaged the lands. Which hero are brave and strong enough of stomache to fight this firm, immobile, very, very erect menace?

[POS Industries]

Ooooooooooooooooookay, guys, I think we've long since passed the climax of this thread and it's pretty much gone flaccid at this point.

Also jesus fucking christ people there is still room in this sort of discussion for a little class. Yuck.