A History of the Nuklear Power Forums, Written by Solid Snake

[Solid Snake]

Chapter One: Let There Be Light
On November 17th, 2003, Kurosen establishes order, and Shiney is the first to enter the pages of history.

Before the beginning, there was only the void.

While past iterations of the "Nuklear Power Forums" undoubtedly existed and quite possibly flourished prior to the date of November 17th, 2003, the earliest written archives of the Nuklear Power civilization trace its founding to this illustrious date. Prior to November 17th, the world of the "internet" was undoubtedly a dark and desolate place, home to barbaric warlords (who worshipped grotesque acts of violence and overt displays of wanton sexuality.)*

The story of civilization as we know it begins with the single most prominent being in Nuklear Power's history, a legend so extraordinary in its origins that much of the narrative must be considered fictitious mythology. We begin with the deity Kurosen, God of Eight Bit Webcomics, Savior of the Internet, Creator of All That is Good and Holy and Pure, the Righteous Leader of the Intelligent and Noble.**

According to prehistorical legend, prior to the creation of the Nuklear Power Forums, Kurosen was a young and gifted storyteller who hailed from a small tribe in the era of the height of Clan Porn. Yet his small cave-dwelling tribe resisted the temptations to merely raze and pillage the world of the internet; Kurosen had apparently been raised by a family who believed the world could be used for something greater, something useful, and something profound. The earliest legends of Kurosen's rise to power chronicle his struggles against overwhelming odds.***

Kurosen's illustrious ideals were first laid forth for humanity to peruse on the tablets of "8-Bit Theater." These extraordinary works of dark comedy and insightful satire inspired a number of Clan Porn's former adherents to swear allegiance to his cause. Slowly but surely, Kurosen began to wrest away control of the world of the Internet to a devoted band of his followers, building perhaps the world's first civilized empire. After several conquests, he christened the land "Nuklear Power" and organized his followers into productive communities. Once the people settled into distinct territories, the practices of agriculture and architecture began. The people no longer lived in degrading caves, yet resided in houses built from wood and bricks. Most importantly, the people's daily lives were restructured around a worship of Kurosen as Lord; sacrifices were laid before his altars daily, and the coffers of Kurosen's palaces swelled with the donations, purchases and support of his loving admirers.

Kurosen may have been an incredible leader, but his true gifts did not fall in the realm of daily administration. Kurosen was committed to his storytelling, perhaps at the expense of governing Nuklear Power. To maintain his burgeoning empire, Kurosen needed to designate a small but loyal band of noble followers to enforce his principles. He called these individuals "Moderators." Some moderators were aggressive and militaristic, perhaps chosen due to their ability to fend off brazen attacks from barbarians who still claimed adherence to the unethical practices of Clan Porn; others were kind and sensible rulers, who sought to build enduring relations with the people.****

The very first written account that exists from this archaic era of the spear, sword and bow was written by one such Moderator. On November 17th, 2003, the very first voice from the annals of history was recorded for the sake of posterity.

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=1

As an apologetic creed, "It Had to Happen," written by Shiney, seems self-explanatory. Shiney's text is written as a justification of Kurosen's rule, and was likely written to honor his God. Shiney, one of the earliest and most hallowed of Moderators, begins the earliest text of civilization in a way fitting for the religious people of Nuklear Power in 2003, by noting that a prophecy had been fulfilled:

"And somehow you knew it would be me." The very first lines ever written conveyed a poignancy, an emotional catharsis, a spiritual enlightenment: Shiney is declaring that through his faith in the deity of Kurosen, he has risen from humble beginnings to a position of respectability. Through his Nuklear Power citizenship, Shiney has become someone greater: he is no longer a mere slave to Clan Porn, no longer a "spam nazi."*****

"Once spam freak, turned spam nazi, turned reformed spam nazi who just posts. Yay." Here, Shiney's declaratory shout of triumph is both literal (a personal recognition of his own metamorphosis) and figurative (a spiritual recognition that all Nuklear Power forumites had likewise been saved by Kurosen's creation of civilization.) This redemptive theme, a hallmark of the ancient forms of Kurosen worship, is sprinkled throughout Shiney's work.

Nonetheless, the civilization of Nuklear Power is still a new and entirely untested entity, and its people are still flawed and undergoing a lengthy process of maturation. Shiney is not exempt. In his first writing, Shiney continues: "Allow me to christen these new forums...with complaints!" This surely was an illustrative example of humanity's inevitable shortcomings; regardless of the gifts granted by the loving, compassionate deity Kurosen, the people of Nuklear Power remained sinful and unappreciative. Perhaps Shiney's post reveals an unforgettable truth of the inadequacy of human nature. Shiney nitpicks the presumed shortcomings of his God, showing a disturbing lack of tact and grace. Civilization itself was bestowed among people like Shiney, in the days of yore; yet Shiney concentrated on those tiny imperfections that seemed beyond Kurosen's benevolent grasp.

However, Shiney retains enough of his kingly nobility as a newly christened to redeem himself later in his musings: "Good to see a forum hosted on a predictably stable server."******

Shiney concludes: "Nonetheless, I suppose being as I own the first post, and I'm supposed to be a mod, I should really make my presence more known about the nukie 8bit communitah." (Here Shiney is referencing the Nuklear Power Forums, albeit doing so in virtually indecipherable slang.)

Following the conclusion of Shiney's narrative, written perhaps as an allegory to the human condition of Kurosen's loyal subjects, a correspondence develops among a number of Moderators (perhaps struggling over the true boundaries of their newly designated powers as Kings over the land.) From these records, ancient personalities arise to the forefront: Viper Daimao, Drooling Iguana, Mike McC, Fuitad, and the long-deceased Tulip Toes.

Writings from this date show all the people of Nuklear Power collectively testing their abilities, and initiating awkward and perfunctory conversation over minor issues, perhaps still in awe or fright of the sheer unyielding power of Kurosen, or perhaps due to their inability to understand their purpose as a Nuklear Power forumite. Yet from these inauspicious beginnings, the people of Nuklear Power would arise to write their own destinies. Empires would rise and empires would fall; barbarians would threaten their villages and the Moderators would be compelled to respond with force; debates in political theory would divide the people, yet a common love of Kurosen and his works would bring them back together.

This history seeks to uncover the evidence of ancient times from the archives, and craft a compelling narrative from their hallowed origins. It is from these archives that we can truly understand who we are, where we've come from, and who we're destined to become.

Kurosen stood upon the ashes of a moribund Internet, sword and shield in hand, and screamed "Let there be light!"
And the light of a new era washed upon us.
And it was good.


*In fact, prior to the creation of the Nuklear Power Forums, most historians have agreed that approximately 90% of the known world was dominated by tribes of the Clan Porn; their founder, a mythological being known as "Hugh Hefner," can be reconstructed from legends who reference his exceptional carnal prowess. A select minority of scholars have concluded that Clan Porn predated the rise of the Warlord Hefner, yet virtually all historians agree that under Hefner, the Clan expanded dramatically. In the years before our Lord Kurosen rose into prominence as a beloved deity, the banners of Clan Porn supposedly dominated the four corners of the globe. Yet this Clan's activities could hardly be called civilized; indeed, Clan Porn was a disorganized morass of sin and debauchery. Some citizens of the Nuklear Power Forums look back nostalgically on the days when the archaic Clan Porn ruled, citing these times as simple and beautiful; others look down with scorn upon the past of prehistory, citing the tribe's inability to communicate and its unrealistically idealistic approach to existence as reasons for its downfall. Regardless, no written text from the era of Clan Porn exists; we know of its heritage only due to the many monuments it has left behind, marking its territory in its traditionally sensationalist manner.

**Although this is his full title, we'll just call him "Kurosen" for short.

***These fables are more appropriately found in the epic poems of ancient writers than in a factual historical account such as this one. Certainly, most of the legends have been embellished by Kurosen's fanatical band of worshippers and spiritual adherents. However, several undeniable facts can be attributed to the person of Kurosen from the myths. First and foremost, Kurosen was a bold and innovative leader; the legend of "Kurosen and the Dragons of Florida" records him outsmarting several scaled dragons in an effort to win the affections of the goddess Mashirosen. The legend "Kurosen and the Bandits of Orlando" features him single-handedly battling hordes of petty thieves who sought to steal his property. Perhaps the greatest legend of all highlights Kurosen's compassion and his love of all beings; he is said to have risked his life and livelihood to care for several felines, establishing that all his followers should care for lesser creatures. (Or, alternatively, establishing that even deities ranked below household cats in the pecking order of the universe.)

****In fact, though the identities of moderators and the concentration of power amongst them has changed dramatically over the years, the institution of the Moderator still flourishes to this very day.

*****A "spam freak," then and now, refers to one of the lowest and most degrading forms of a common criminal. In a form true to a spiritual enlightenment, Shiney tells his tale of redemption from the lowest of possible upbringings.

******Although these terms are still used commonly today, just to refresh your memory: The "forum" refers to the world, or at least the civilized world of Nuklear Power, and the residents who collectively populate it. The "server" Shiney references here includes the administrative laws and technicalities Kurosen and his fellow Moderators enacted to maintain peace throughout the realm. Here, Shiney is praising the stability fostered through following Kurosen's principles, a stability sorely lacking in the world formerly dominated by the barbarians of Clan Porn.

[Aldurin]

First reply!!

But seriously, where do we get to the part where I come in?

[Si Civa]

Only the ruling class can write true history and the ruling class in the forums are mods and admins. Thus logically Solid Snake should be promoted to modhood.

:|

[Meister]

First reply!!
You do know that literally the only reason "no firstposting" is a Brian's Projects subforum rule rather than a global one is because so far it's never come up outside of that subforum, right?

In short: don't.

[Solid Snake]

Only the ruling class can write true history and the ruling class in the forums are mods and admins.

Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.

[Terex4]

You do know that literally the only reason "no firstposting" is a Brian's Projects subforum rule rather than a global one is because so far it's never come up outside of that subforum, right?

In short: don't.
I suppose posting in an epic thread is out too? ;)
Only the ruling class can write true history and the ruling class in the forums are mods and admins. Thus logically Solid Snake should be promoted to modhood.
Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.
Besides that, Solid tends to write lengthy posts with big words, no one worth banning or infracting would know he was doing it.

Publish it and have your descendants charged with seeing if it becomes an actual religion in a couple hundred years.

[Aldurin]

You do know that literally the only reason "no firstposting" is a Brian's Projects subforum rule rather than a global one is because so far it's never come up outside of that subforum, right?

In short: don't.

It's everybody else's fault for not posting before me.

I'm actually further intrigued by these "Clan Porn" tribes. I in fact know of a desolate community that still wallows in some of those practices and has written records back to 1998. They were not drawn in by a work of art crafted from the principles of the eternal concept of "rpg" but in fact were drawn in by a subset of the rpg concept. They take their worship semi-seriously on a good day but mostly talk about ducks and one of their favorite members. Few of them know of "8-bit theater" but are generally unaware of this amazing realm.

Solid, do you think it's possible for Clan Porn remnants to be stuck halfway through reform and doomed to stay that way?

[Si Civa]

Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.

Ah, but as part as the common folk, the proletariat, you are deemed to have bias of some sort against our glorious ruling class, who have done nothing wrong in their long and worshipped existence.

And we, the ordinary kind, are not worthy enough to say word against our masters and princes of universe. We are mere hobbits to their Valar.

[Amake]

I lol'd.

To nitpick, I think you meant "but resided in houses built from wood and bricks", not "yet".

However, the most important part of this history I think is the word "Nukie". I move we make that the official term for citizens of NPF with all haste.

[Solid Snake]

To nitpick, I think you meant "butresided in houses built from wood and bricks", not "yet".

It appears that you and Shiney have much in common.

[Mr.Bookworm]

Only a truly detached historian, with no binding allegiances to any particular party, can write an impartial account of historical events without falling victim to slanderous biases.

Until you get put to death for being a heretic. :ohdear:

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I would like to open my review of A history of NPF Volume 1 by Solid Snake with some words on the author- a distinguished , if controversial historian, making his debut with this book. Unlike most historians confined to their microfilm labs and smoke-riddled offices, Snake is one of a new breed of historians, a young, adventurous type who gets involved first hand with his subject. In researching this book, Snake has intergrated himself fully into the community of NPF, becoming one of its denizens in order to understand thier often strange ways.
Such methods are controversial and have caused much uproar in the academic fields. On the one hand these methods have brought condemnations from structural historians who see such attempts at coopting the structure of other cultures for a foreign dialogue as inherentely flawed. Post-modern historians, particularly in the deep-reading social circles, have seen it as an attempt to disguise bias, to rewrite history as his own. Many cultural historians have lavished praise, however, for the way in which such an assimiliation can skillfully reveal undercurrents of both the colonial and post-colonial mindsets in the dominant (in this case Snakes native world) and the suppressed (in this case NPF tongue). More traditional assessments hinge on the issue of bias but in this department it is hard to fault Snake as I shall address below.

Moving onto text itself, readers may be dissapointed, initially, on the length of the book but they should not be. In tackling a field such as NPF's rather murky history Snake has thrown himself into a miasma of poor sources, misleading, often contradictory references to the past and a dynamic reference field. Before this landmark work, all works on NPF had been technical squabbles over source attribution and dating, of no interest but for very specific linguisticians.
Using exceptional close-reading skills honed as a law student, Snake has cut through the debate and put together a highly readable first history of NPF, using only the best sources. This leads to a short account but this is surely better than a 1000 page tomb where every sentenced is asterixed with a maybe.
By writing in a solid fluid style, Snake also opens his text to a wider audience who can for the first time see the excitement of this field. In fact, it can be hoped that this pioneering text may even found a whole new array of NPF studies now that Snake has created a groundwork with much difficulty for himself.
The work is limited in certain fields. There is a lack of deep engagement with many of the sources, there is a corresponding void in reconstructing the mindset of the actors involved in the history- at times it feels very Wakefieldian (in both pioneering and reactionary ways unfortunately) and a definite lack of historiographic trend analysis. However, as a first work in the field one cannot expect such luxuries as we are used to in more developed fields and tthis should not be seen as a detriment to this very unique work.In summary, A history of NPF: Volume 1 is an immensely readable work in a ground-breaking field and I would recommend it for all.

[mauve]

I think this should be required reading for the NPF Citizenship test.

[Solid Snake]

I just realized that I've finished analyzing one thread and there are 1200 pages of threads left to go.
...Yeah, I'm going to skip more than a few along the way.

[Donomni]

From what the texts describe, Clan Porn eventually splintered and was in a form of chaos.

This chaos was eventually harnessed, however, and the Clan "Far-Chan" came to be.

(Seriously, this is awesome.)

[Tev]

But seriously, where do we get to the part where I come in?I'm sure he'll get to you in about eight years.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Maybe longer if we're all fortunate.

[Green Spanner]

In before revisionist interpretations...

[Premmy]

First reply!!

But seriously, where do we get to the part where I come in?

Probably Here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Ages), or Here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Depression)

[Rejected Again]

Probably Here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Ages), or Here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Depression)

Now Prem, your being hard on the guy. I think around the time this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubonic_plague) came into effect is more accurate.

[Token]

This (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex_virus) is much more accurate.

[Aldurin]

Probably Here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Ages), or Here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Depression)

Now Prem, your being hard on the guy. I think around the time this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubonic_plague) came into effect is more accurate.

This (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex_virus) is much more accurate.

Crapdammit, you guys made me hurt myself from laughing.

[Solid Snake]

Chapter Two: The Cradle of Humankind
On November 18th and November 19th, 2003, multitudes of impoverished vagrants immigrate to Nuklear Power, bringing their antiquated and prehistoric cultures with them. The Moderators are momentarily powerless to contain their influence.

Conventional historians often treat the emergence of Nuklear Power as a singular transformative event, ushering in a sudden and bold new era of startling technological and sociological development. While Kurosen's rise to authority undoubtedly and immediately altered the course of history, its impact on the everyday residents of the territories once dominated by Clan Porn was more gradual and incremental in scope. As a benevolent ruler, Kurosen was not known to impose his unchecked authority upon the people he conquered. To the contrary, the people were given the unique opportunity to essentially join civilization at their own leisure.

Nonetheless, the sudden burst of growth of citizenship Nuklear Power indicated a surprising willingness among the people to align with Kurosen. While many individuals undoubtedly chose a life within the walls of his illustrious kingdom, the spike in membership suggests that cruel necessity may have forced cave-dwellers and tribal warlords to relocate and consolidate themselves into Nuklear Power's villages. Scientific evidence collected in the barren lands of the borders of Kurosen's empire suggest that a drought decimated tribal populations. In addition to Kurosen's impressive military victories over the brutish barbarians of Clan Porn, this drought may have contributed to a massive immigration movement into Nuklear Power territory.*

Regardless of the exact details justifying their immigration, our archives are filled with ancestral testimonies of their torrential arrival in Nuklear Power paradise. The fifth communication recorded in Nuklear Power's known history, initiated by a now-defunct introvert named HRslammR, asked "what's the average traffic for Nuklear Power?" (He was likely baffled by the sudden explosion of immigrants flooding into the local villages, most of which only recently arose under Kurosen's patronage.)**

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=5

The response to HRslammR's honest inquiry was astounding: "Over 900 gigs" of human traffic were pouring into Nuklear Power's borders at a constant rate.***

Under the strain of this demographic shift, even the old veterans from Kurosen's virtuous armies found themselves temporarily displaced. "This is odd," said Krylo, a loyal mercenary who had originally been hired by Kurosen to fight against the hordes of Clan Porn.****

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=66

Krylo had noticed a "new look," which he apparently approved of. Yet he remained unaware of Kurosen's requirement (enacted shortly after the creation of Nuklear Power civilization on November 17th) that even long-time veterans re-register to receive recognition as citizens. "I tried sticking my e-mail in there, and it said it wasn't recognized...what would have caused this?"***** The issue was later resolved by the Moderator Drooling Iguana, and Krylo was able to successfully join the masses as a newfound citizen of Kurosen's burgeoning civilization.

As the new citizens collectively settled in to Nuklear Power's assorted villages, the first bonds among friends and neighbors were made. At the time, these refugees from outlying areas had difficulty engaging in communications our generation would consider basic and primitive. These young, waylaid souls were likely drained of energy from their exhausting journeys. The language of sophisticated men, spoken by the refined gentlemen and ladies of Nuklear Power, had not quite been crafted.******

Subsequently, communications written by citizens during this timeframe were often short and merely cursory, often attempting to craft 'small talk' among assorted individuals over insignificant and trivial matters. Pieces of tablets we've recovered have excessively indulged in misspellings and grammatical errors. Omega (ironically named, for he lived during the beginning of Nuklear Power's history, and did not appear to last to its end) created one such example in his pop-culture musings over a favorite "Final Fantasy":*******

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=50

Note the primitive, inarticulate manner of debate carried on by the participants in this ancient argument. The responses are often mere sentences long, with no forethought put into the words utilized to convey meaning. Words as simplistic as "original" are hopelessly misspelled, and at least one deranged individual (perhaps dehydrated during his lengthy misadventures into Nuklear Power territory) even dared to claim that liking FFX-2 was normal.********

Another wretched example can be found in the following tablet:

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=72

Apparently, this is what once passed as "entertainment" among the impoverished migrants of ancient Nuklear Power: Arbitrarily adding "in my pants" to the end of sentences. (Clearly, people then had very different and somewhat...unique senses of humor.)

One last example exposes just how powerless the Moderators, Kings and Queens of their day, respected rulers with the power to kill indiscriminately, were to stop this madness:

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=106

...Upon witnessing this painful onslaught of intellectual depravity, the goddess Mashirosen (blessed be Her name) not only allows the tablet to reach its full capacity before marking it completed, but even encourages the participants to continue their hijinks elsewhere!
This passive response from Mashirosen reveals another truth of the ancient period of November 2003: The Moderators, who were intended to wield extraordinary amounts of power within the confines of the Nuklear civilization, were restricted by this sudden and urgent influx of refugees from every corner of the Internet. Perhaps the all-powerful Moderators were convinced that, under their influence and tutelage, these young neophytes could be saved from their old, downtrodden ways. Perhaps they believed the newcomers could be taught how to speak and write properly, and how to appropriately instigate intellectual discussion. Or perhaps the Moderators simply had not reached the traditionally assumed apex of their powers. Maybe the Moderators, swarmed by the decrepit masses they had benevolently invited to reside in their kingdom, were barely straining to maintain a semblance of law and order.

Despite this period of turmoil and transition, Nuklear Power remained a paradise compared to the filthy land surrounding it: compared to the territories still occupied by the tyrants of Clan Porn, Nuklear Power remained a beacon upon a hilltop for the rest of the known Internet to emulate. Subsequently, the Moderators cannot be faulted or criticized for their leniency. They offered the impoverished, downtrodden citizens of faroff lands a chance to redeem themselves in a virtual Eden. Though the first days of civilization would require awkward growth and disturbingly childish indulgences, Kurosen and his Moderators knew that eventually the wheat would be separated from the chaff. Those who did not ultimately resign themselves to the Moderators' authority would eventually be called on their immaturity and forced to retreat to the Wilderness; they would eventually resettle in their own communities and perhaps rejoin the disjointed ranks of Clan Porn. Yet those few who would arise to the occasion would be worthy citizens indeed.

One citizen arose in these first days of known existence. Hotheaded, impulse, yet undeniably intelligent, this individual sought to create arbitrary divisions through his rhetoric and sought to enlighten outsiders of the presumed rightness of his impassioned perspective. With all the intensity of a life-threatening earthquake, Lockeownzj00 roared into the annals of history with a statement that was, in its day, an extraordinary source of controversy.

http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=126

"Fuck you, Bush." He declared.*********
"Gay Marriage," he unambiguously wrote upon his tablet.

The gauntlet had been thrown. The blissful, serene, yet unpolished and unrefined era of comparing "Final Fantasy" poems and playing trite one-sentence games had ended, nearly as soon as it had begun. Lockeownzj00 would not tolerate such a waste of time, effort and resources. Lockeownzj00 demanded excellence, desired authority, and rigidly followed rules with the dedication of a Pharisee. (Until such rules opposed his own interests, at which point they could easily be broken.)

Despite his faults and despite his adversarial personality, Lockeownzj00 had issued a call for a serious, passionate, and entrenched debate.
Eventually, the people began to respond.**********


*Geological studies have largely confirmed that in 2003, the soil of these outlying areas had denigrated in quality and content. Different theories have been advanced by prominent scholars as to why this worldwide drought impacted the Internet, and why the territory of Nuklear Power was not effected by this catastrophic event. Some scholars have relied on ancient myths and legends, which make vague and oblique references to crippling droughts and largely place the blame on the increasingly unethical decisions made by the tribal authorities of Clan Porn. At least one epic poem references the chieftain "Chan IV," a Clan Porn ruler so savage and disgusting that the clouds themselves ran in terror from his scarred visage. The poem is undoubtedly inaccurate, but may contain a kernel of truth. Chan IV arbitrarily decapitated workers who merely annoyed him, forced his adherents to conduct massive orgies at the expense of gainful activities like hunting and berry-picking, and ate himself into monstrous obesity. A drought caused by natural climactic changes in rainfall totals was certainly exacerbated by Chan IV's tyrannical rule.
Another theory advanced by prominent historians studying the archaic hunter-gatherer culture of the era of Clan Porn involves the quality of the tools used to collect and utilize water, as well as those used to hunt animals for sustenance. In the ancient times of 2003, the most basic tools necessary for success in the world of the Internet had not yet been invented or fully implemented. "Youtube," used by blacksmiths to forge high-quality metals, had not been discovered. "Facebook," the technology utilized to irrigate lands far from raging rivers, was still a year away from its creation by the infamous caveman Mark Zuckerberg. "Google" longbows, though technically in existence, were not yet mass-produced, and many cave-dwellers relied on the vastly inferior and outdated "Yahoo" and "AltaVista" models. Historians who advocate this theory have suggested that when the sudden drought hit, ancient peoples subsequently lacked the technological capability to fend for themselves. Impoverished by their lack of knowledge, the fertile lands of Nuklear Power must have seemed glorious to these downtrodden wanderers.

**Perhaps HRslammR was a bit too shy to handle this outpouring of new individuals into his beloved homeland. From 2003 to 2007, HRslammR rarely left the comfort of his home to participate in public events; in April of 2007, he disappeared from Nuklear Power entirely. Perhaps his unexpected departure was an inadvertent consequence of Nuklear Power's population boom. In the aftermath of the population growth, those who socialized often and contributed most to Nuklear Power's robust community prospered, while introverts who struggled to find their voice may have felt shut off from the rapidly growing cliques of members who worked and bonded together.

***We have no way of knowing for sure exactly what "900 gigs" translates into in terms of actual numbers of migrants, as the translation of these technical terms into identifiable units has been lost with the passage of time. However, circumstantial evidence in Nuklear Power's archives would suggest the number was astoundingly large. On November 18th, a man named Hunter (now deceased) exclaimed "Whoah, the forums are going rather quickly."
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=24
While some stood in awe of this growth in Nuklear Power citizenship, others were nonplussed. A virtual unknown named Stimpo reacted to Hunter's exclamations in a nonchalant manner: "Don't worry...everyone else will be here shortly." Mantras like these were repeated often, in a series of posts made by newcomers announcing their arrival. Upon renaming himself after one of Kurosen's most prized literary characters, Evil Black Mage announced his presence: "Hi, i'm new. i wish to state my arrival."
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=136
Evil Black Mage also attempted to make quick money among the throngs by advertising his wares; however, his efforts were stymied by the moderator Viper Daimao, who likely had his hands full redirecting the new citizens of Nuklear Power to the proper bureaucratic agencies to announce their entrances. "There's an intro thread for this," stated Viper Daimao. Evil Black Mage subsequently disappears entirely from the pages of history; perhaps Viper Daimao killed him and displayed his corpse, making him an example for other newcomers to avoid. Or, perhaps Evil Black Mage simply felt unloved in his new environs, and voluntarily returned to the barbaric conditions of Clan Porn (from which he came.)

****Ancient accounts of the early life of the man known as 'Krylo' vary tremendously. Certainly, this was at least partially due to Krylo's intentional deception. In all of Krylo's statements, his own name has since been blurred, requiring the use of a highlighting device to determine the true identity of the author. Even Krylo's skullfaced insignia, once a common signature of his presence, has since disappeared from much of his work. Perhaps this is due to Krylo's known reputation as a ninja assassin; a trained killer, he is alternately feared, reviled and begrudgingly admired to this day by many members of the Nuklear Power populace. In a later conversation about dating, Krylo once remarked to the effect that he was exceptionally handsome and could seduce nearly any woman he wished; however, this statement was likely influenced by Krylo's own nefarious biases, and it certainly hasn't helped that precious few individuals have ever seen his uncovered face (and lived to tell the tale.)
Krylo's dark, mysterious past and his characteristically violent tendencies led to a short stint as a Moderator that ultimately ended due to a prototypical mercenary's ambivalent view towards commitment and his probable distrust of authority (among several other factors,) but that is a tale for a later Chapter. (Whether Krylo is even legitimately sane or, in fact, a dangerous psychopath is another one of those ambiguities that historians have never quite resolved.)

*****"E-mail," then as in now, refers to a private account held by every Nuklear Power citizen and used to differentiate each other; the accounts are used for communication among individual households, as well as utilized by Nuklear Power's bureaucracy to keep tabs on the number of citizens within the confines of the kingdom. Each gainful citizen of Nuklear Power is required to register with their own e-mail account, which Moderators and others may subsequently access to send private messages to the owners. In his complaint, Krylo is noticing that his e-mail was not "recognized," suggesting that the Nuklear Power bureaucracy had failed to recognize his identity as a citizen. This was certainly a disconcerting development to Krylo, who was unaware of the imposition of the re-registration requirement.

******Some tablets in the archives remain borderline illegible due to their underdeveloped command of language. A few of these esoteric phrases have since had their meanings uncovered by tireless teams of literary professors. For example, the seemingly meaningless letter "u," on its own and without support from consonants, apparently referred to the second person pronoun "you." Likewise, "Tonite" apparently was a misshapen, malformed version of the word "tonight."
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=62
"E-Doken," a phrase referenced once by an apparent werewolf, was presumably a phrase concocted to express adulation and worship towards the creator of all "Dokens," (including Hadokens and Boatdokens,) Kurosen. Thus, referencing a "Doken" was apparently akin to praying for Kurosen's approval or seeking Kurosen's affections.
Speaking of Dokens, however, no one was successfully interpreted the word "chilred" on an ancient tablet written by FIGHTERDOKEN:
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=85
Given the rest of the borderline indecipherable text FIGHTERDOKEN has written during his brief lifetime, however, it may be wise to simply assume the poor man had suffered from a mental handicap.

*******Final Fantasy refers to the series of epic poems (whose authors remain unknown, though the words "Squaresoft" and "Enix" are often associated with their craft) written predominantly for teenagers but adored by many ravenous members of the collective tribes of Clan Porn (if you wish to learn more on the subject, feel free to use your "Google" longbow during an organized search. You'll inevitably find thousands of grotesque monuments created by Clan Porn fans of the Final Fantasy goddesses "Tifa" and "Yuna." A forewarning: be wary of those monuments dedicated to a "beautiful woman" named "Cloud." He's really a man wearing [or not wearing] a dress.)
The deity Kurosen, founder of civilization, originally acquired fame by brazenly mocking the very first "Final Fantasy" poem in his first renowned literary work, Eight Bit Theater.

********As a personal note, I would like to remind all readers that the year 2003 was a faroff time in our nation's ancestral history. Many of the people who lived in those times suffered from maladies that are, fortunately, quite rare today. As historians, we must all take deep pains to remain unbiased in our analysis of those long deceased. Instead of judging these people by our modern moral standards (in that case, every historical citizen would inevitably fall short of our standards of tolerance and decency,) we must instead view the people of the past by their contemporary moral standards. Back in 2003, it was not entirely impossible (though still somewhat immoral) for a sane individual to enjoy Final Fantasy X-2.
If you have the stomach to accept ancient customs and mores without instinctively convulsing in agony, consider reading this link: http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=56
But you have been warned: The content is only for those capable of enduring the atrocities of a bygone era.

*********George W. Bush is known today as a demonic spiritual entity, one who possessed and corrupted the hearts of numerous conservative men and women during the heyday of his power and influence. Back then, however, opinions on the devilish mythical being were split. Bush had not yet revealed his true nature; many at the time, including your humble historian, were deceived by the apparent urgency and clarity of his narratives. Ultimately, Lockeownzj00's instincts would prove accurate, but his aggressive and (arguably) self-serving argumentative style would work against him in his efforts to convince others of Bush's true evil.

**********It is with a great sense of pride that this humble historian reveals that he was one of the earliest citizens of Nuklear Power, and he began to make an impact (however subtle or slight) in this earliest phase of civilization. Throughout the first few years of his existence, however, Solid Snake was a quiet presence, lingering on the outskirts of debates and refusing to become entrenched in the daily happenings of Nuklear Power society. In addition to the prototypical one-sentence posts regarding favorite Final Fantasys and other epic poems, Solid Snake indicated an early affection for history and philosophy (as well as his stereotypically obtuse obsession with long-winded rants masquerading as halfway decent writings) in this post:
http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=307&postcount=8
Nonetheless, as Solid Snake remained very much on the periphery of Nuklear Power's developments, it is likely he will not be heard from again in this history...for at least the foreseeable future. In the interim, however, one of his predictions still stands the test of time, and is in fact a valuable observation to include in a historical work today:
"Eventually, millions or even billions of years from now, I predict that humans will either have become demigods, or have destroyed themselves somewhere along the way."
If I do my job, the rest of this story will ultimately reveal to faithful readers which direction humankind has been heading.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

This is truly a glory to behold! This is without doubt, the best thing anyone on this forum has attempted since the somewhat lackluster Nuklearpedia. In fact we should probably create a page for this to go on there and condense all of these posts into one contigous text.

Was that really the first major debate on the NPF too? On gay marraige? Man, I am actually learning stuff on the history of this site because of this!

I hope you can find the time (and the strength) to continue with this and adaquately document the last 7 years Snake. This is a fairly epic undertaking.

[Funka Genocide]

Man, you know a thread was good when you can read it like 7 years later and you STILL GET PISSED OFF!

Nice job Snake.

[Solid Snake]

Was that really the first major debate on the NPF too? On gay marraige?

Yup.
...So long as you don't include pedantic "debates" about which Final Fantasy is better, whether MMORPGs are worth playing, and if you avoid the not-really-discussion-but-still-funny (and included in the next chapter!) DarthZeth's "hey everyone you should stock up on guns and ammunition" thread.

I just wish DarthZeth and Lockeownzj00 had been more aggressive / angry with each other early on because a chapter with them tearing the living stuffing out of each other would be fun to write, but aside from a few snarky comments here and there, in November 2003 they were pretty civil. (But will that change?)

[Rejected Again]

This thread is simply amazing.....In my pants.



Snake, your my hero man.

[Amake]

I have been waiting for this day. The day a thread would happen on the Internet good enough to deserve this picture (http://i618.photobucket.com/albums/tt262/Apicturemake/epicbead.jpg).

See, it's a thread bracelet with spools of epic thread for beads. :3:

[Loyal]

So when do we get to:

-The comics thread
-Otaku Son

[Donomni]

I await the day of the chronicles of the OverFifthfiend and the tales of the RaiRO armies, and their deadly art of Muh-Mor-Pi-Guh.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Review: Parte the second.
Friends, it is a glorious day in the field of history for a text has been written, a text so marvellous, so ingenious it shall no longer be called history (from the Greek meaning knowledge by investigation) but simply alethia (truth).
I had reservations about the initial part of this history, as seen by my review of the first part, so you can trust in my genuine lauding of this text as something special, somethign amazing- something worthy of historical study itself- and not in 3rd year historiographic essays either!
A much deeper engagement with the sources has been found, a deconstruction and close reading as fine as the seminal works of French cats in the revolutionary peiod, alongside a compelling narrative in the style that inspired us as young lads to first pick up a pen.
I could detail the interweaving of the linguistic turn with the social turn in a way that addresses the flaws of both, or the peripatetic lessons that we find ,or even the dismantling of the signifying barrier to allow us to coinhabit the past but there is no need.
All one needs to do is look on in awe.

[Osterbaum]

Not to seem too self-interested or anything, but I am interested in reading about Captain FINLAND!!!

EDIT: And obviosly all the stuff that comes before that and after it too.

[Krylo]

Whether Krylo is even legitimately sane or, in fact, a dangerous psychopath is another one of those ambiguities that historians have never quite resolved.

It's the latter.

[Bob The Mercenary]

If you have reached the era of Locke, I come soon after.

Feel free to skip just about everything I've ever said up until around 2009.

Otherwise, I approve of this thread. Though I hope the Temporarium is immortalized in some form or another. Perhaps an inscription on a broken piece of pottery, or on a portion of a weathered tablet.

[Edit] Not to seem too self-interested or anything, but I am interested in reading about Captain FINLAND!!!

Holy crap I remember that name!

[Sithdarth]

I can't believe I actually joined when these forums where only around 4 months old. I missed the old forums by the skin of my teeth.

Edit: Crap that was over 7 years ago. That is kind of sad really.

[Loyal]

If it's any consolation it doesn't look like you actually missed much. Plus it seems most of the people from that period are gone now (or are admins).

But yeah, seven years. Scary.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

I can't wait until Snake gets into my era and beyond, though I fear my impact on the world of the NPF has been slim to none. My biggest contribution is being "that guy that makes threads that rarely get past the 2nd page".

Still, I may turn up somewhere, maybe... hopefully....

[Osterbaum]

You turn up whining about your lack of contribution to the forums.

[Solid Snake]

As a brief aside, it saddens me tremendously that this project so far has me digging up fascinating posts from personalities who no longer interact here.
I'd love to speak with Devon Lake, the starlet of the upcoming Chapter 3, because she seems like an utterly fascinating person (and a person who would have absolutely hated Solid Snake circa 2003), but she hasn't been around since like 2005.

And then there's names more familiar to me like Lockeownsj00 and DarthZeth who nonetheless have disappeared from the face of NPF.
We need to bring them back! And hopefully if I can keep this going, this thread wil eventually inspire a grand NPF reunion.

...In other tangentially related news, is there anyone here who's halfway decent with MSPaint or something who'd enjoy drawing quick, inaccurate sketches of fake maps of fake NPF empires and battle diagrams and whatnot?

[Loyal]

Dear lord, Snake, what are you up to now?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I'm hoping you be a proper hegelian/marxist showing history is all a process leading to certain points- in this case, me.

[Solid Snake]

Dear lord, Snake, what are you up to now?

Well you can't write an authentic history without including maps and battle diagrams in your chapters, right?

[Shyria Dracnoir]

...In other tangentially related news, is there anyone here who's halfway decent with MSPaint or something who'd enjoy drawing quick, inaccurate sketches of fake maps of fake NPF empires and battle diagrams and whatnot?

I could probably doodle something up real fast.

[Fenris]

Snake, this is the best thing you've ever done.