In this thread, we solve a mystery

[Professor Smarmiarty]

As you should all know, a few days ago a mysterious poster appeared, one Raptacular Haberdasher. At first I thought jolly good, we are welcoming here.
Until he laid this beat:
I've been here a day (as far as you know,)
But I'd love a new a new avatar, Nonsy, fo sho'.
A poke distinguished to intrigue, to taunt, to call up a mystery. For I believe that Raptacular Haberdasher is none other than some other poster in disguise! Searching the archives I have found a wealth of evidence!
Good luck with your computer, hope you keep it real...
...
Is he gone? Fuck yeah! Party without Seil!
Fifthsy, you can rap like Kirby2000 can write.
Both of these quotes imply an intricate knowledge of the forum history.
So I ask who is the mysterious rapper from the shadows?
Here is the first clue:
Why you gotta be assumin' I'm white?
Some self-concious postering I detect.

[bluestarultor]

Additional observation, the grammatical structure implies a male writer. (Yes, men and women do write differently; no, I'm not going to devote the next four hours to defending and explaining my claim).

Not that that really narrows it down much, but any elimination helps some.

[Osterbaum]

In a way, aren't all of us Raptacular Haberdasher?

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Yes, I'm a man, and I've been here before.
I have an account, but I needed one more.
As for who I am, I'd much rather not say.
That would take too much of the fun straight away.
But if you must persist, let me give you a clue.
My name has a hint that is really quite huge.

As for why I made an alt, I must confess,
My reason is sound, though I was under duress.
I've made a mistake before that I wished not to repeat,
But I couldn't pass up a rap battle challenge to meet.

[POS Industries]

Thanks to the magic of abusive use of mod powers, I already know who it is.

And no I'm not telling you.

But I am considering banning said user's regular account and forcing them to continue on rapping until the end of time.

[Julford Hajime]

Frogman. Calling it now.

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Thanks to the magic of abusive use of mod powers, I already know who it is.

And no I'm not telling you.

But I am considering banning said user's regular account and forcing them to continue on rapping until the end of time.

Oh, dude, now come on, that's really not cool.
Y'know how I'd hate havin' to rap like a fool.
It's a fun gimmick now, but I doubt it could last,
But every post from this alt will have lyrics to blast.

[POS Industries]

Frogman. Calling it now.
Naw, I'd have banned that motherfucker right out.

Raptacular Haberdasher, though, that dude is currently in the top percentage of forum posters.

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Frogman. Calling it now.

I'm offended, I'm wounded, your words hurt my pride.
You know I'm too suave to be that lame-ass guy.

[krogothwolf]

I for one approve of POS attitude to this new account of said user.

Goddamn Mob Powers!

I bet it's someone we least suspect. I bet it's SMB!!!!!! He's just trying to trick us.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Hey it could be Rick trying to be random.

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Mac, when you find out, you'll probably shit bricks,
but allow me to assure you that I'm definitely not Rick.

[The SSB Intern]

This is truly puzzling. Our culprit is a man of mystery, yet he indulges in rapping in the illest fashion, a high profile activity. It as though, the poster wants an investigation.

The rest of the evidence, however, is shaky. To keep his profile secret, and thus keep the interest of his audience, it is possible that his description is a fabrication. He has claimed to have both an afro and skin of an indeterminable color. But any common troll can make these claims. I'm a 100 foot tall 3 eyed salmon. See? As the colloquial phrase goes: pics or it didn't happen.

This is all conjecture. All we can truly say, is that the man suddenly appeared and attempted to win our hearts through his showboating beats. From this, we can assume our rapper is a character quite absorbed in him/herself.

The kind willing to start a thread about their persona, just so they can be the public eye.

So I ask who is the mysterious rapper from the shadows?
Isn't it obvious? If there is any rapper element involved in this case...
http://xspblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/layton_movie.jpg
Then it is you sir!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

grthwllms?
_mike?
...khael?

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

SMB? No, nothing but the truth have I said.
I do have an afro on top of my caramel head.

[krogothwolf]

Prem?

[The SSB Intern]

Yeah, seriously, it's Prem.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Rap Hab I know who you be
You are a miserable fuck who hates me D=

[POS Industries]

Prem?
Yeah, seriously, it's Prem.
I don't think Prem's rocked the fro for a while.

[Fifthfiend]

I do have an afro on top of my caramel head.

I will just go ahead and reveal it guys.

It is actually SECRET FORUM CELEBRITY Malcom Gladwell!!!

[krogothwolf]

Mac, that doesn't narrow it down at all. That probably makes the list even bigger now!

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Prem?

Good guess, but not Prem either, I'm afraid to say.
I'm someone less known, (before this game that I play.)

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Does it really matter? Can't you leave this be?
Is there any good reason to unmask me?

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

We want to remove your mask
so do it we ask.

[Kim]

Who's that rappermon?

It's Squirtle!

Glasses had you guys fooled, but not me!

[POS Industries]

CELEBRITY
Malcom Gladwell!!!
Does not compute.

[Fifthfiend]

Does not compute.

Celebrity for people who read things.

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Who's that rappermon?

It's Squirtle!

Glasses had you guys fooled, but not me!

No NonCon: I AM THE GLASSES.
I totally tricked all of you asses!

[krogothwolf]

Jesus?

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Dammit, POS, you gave it away;
"Top percentage" was just a bad thing to say.
Congratulations, you did it. My facade has been broken.
This rapper is none other than the spectacular Token.

[POS Industries]

Celebrity for people who read things.
So not a celebrity in the America. Got it.

[BitVyper]

*Admission of identity*


Psst, I deleted that post because I thought it wasn't fair.

[Wigmund]

Raptacular Haberdasher, though, that dude is currently in the top percentage of forum posters.

Is it Asshat Token?

EDIT: Goddammit, got up to get a drink before I posted this and I've been fucking ninja'd by half the forum

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Jesus?

Jesus has no need to you sod.
He's already the mod of mod.

[The SSB Intern]

Mac, please stop.

[krogothwolf]

Want to put a bullet in your head
Cause you'd be better of dead

I thought token was leaving, now I don't feel as sad anymore.

[Wigmund]

What the hell is this?!

Mac be stealing my avatar! :argh: You bastard!

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

I suppose I should explain why I made this move.
Once more I will enter this smooth rapper groove.
I intended to take a break from the forum, as I had said,
I went to sign out and read Smarty's post instead.
At that point I knew, I had to compete,
But it couldn't be Token who threw down the beat.
So I donned a disguise, posted and swore I would leave.
I didn't mean to stay, that you must believe.
And though I have found rapping to be remarkably fun,
now I must really depart until I've become someone.
Haberdasher's out, Token's out as well.
For real this time guys: later all y'all's I'll smell.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

What the hell is this?!

Mac be stealing my avatar! :argh: You bastard!

I'm sorry Wiggy. I wanted a dancing death avvie too. :crying:

[shiney]

I was gonna make a limerick and rhyme everything to your name but now you're a jerk for taking that away from me.

Edit: AND you quit4lyfe? DOUBLE jerk.

[Raptacular Haberdasher]

Psst, I deleted that post because I thought it wasn't fair.

Well. Fuck.
I mean... fuck.


Just... I... fuck.
It seems once again, I'm down on my luck.

[krogothwolf]

Now I'm sad again :(

[POS Industries]

Dammit, POS, you gave it away;
"Top percentage" was just a bad thing to say.
Congratulations, you did it. My facade has been broken.
This rapper is none other than the spectacular Token.
Joke's on you, Bit deleted his post,
So you revealed yourself in your rush to boast!
I simply laid down a bit of a clue.
A subtle trick as I'm wont to do.
But then you had to go and get paranoid
And do the very thing that you'd hoped to avoid.
So now all I can do is sit back and laugh
As you expose yourself to the forum riffraff.

But, sir, I must say, I do dig your act,
And it brings something to the forums that they sorely lack.
So don't give up, don't throw in the towel.
What you've got here is your very own cape and cowl.
So keep it up, oh rhyming maker of hats.
Keep on wowing these internet cats.
You have my blessing, take what you will.
And continue dropping these rhymes so ill.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

http://images.vimeo.com/11/55/85/115585458/115585458_300.jpg

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I know the disease with whic you are afflicted,
It is a drug to which I was once addicted,
Once you talk in badass rhyme,
It's hard to get back to normal time,
It's a hard road to the promised land,
But we're here to help, give you a hand,
We'll help you kick this disease,
We'll bomb it like fleas,
Look at me as a model,
I now speak in a regular waddle,
No more do I style,
Haven't done so in a while,
........


Oh shit you've made me a liar,
You better smoke, that shit spreads like fire.

[Bells]

....... what's with all the rapping?

i mean, if you can call this Elitist bourgeois verbose "rap".

O'no he d'int!

[BitVyper]

I simply laid down a bit of a clue.
A subtle trick as I'm wont to do.

I should say that I spent about five minutes trying to decide if it was intended to mislead because I thought the clue was too obvious.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

....... what's with all the rapping?

i mean, if you can call this Elitist bourgeois verbose "rap".

O'no he d'int!

Don't be dumb, stop the hate,
My rhymes are fun and they educate

[The Sevenshot Kid]

This shit here be ill,
I came to get my fill.
Raptacular lays down some of the dopest beats,
Now that he is revealed we're all on our feets.

This rhyming is driving me crazy,
I wanna go back to posting lazy.
But he set the bar up so high,
I feel if I don't rhyme I might die.

[rpgdemon]

This post does not rhyme.

Nor is it a rap.

[Bard The 5th LW]

I've been reading this thread and must say it looks quite fun
I am quite impressed with Token's rhyming a ton
I wish I had the skills to join this rap
But I'd just end up lookin' like a sap
So in conclusion, I have my final words before you go
Good-bye Token, you were one cool bro

[POS Industries]

I should say that I spent about five minutes trying to decide if it was intended to mislead because I thought the clue was too obvious.
Oh noooooooo my feeeeeeeeeelings.

Sick burn, bro.

[Dracorion]

Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The windows in the kitchen were unlocked with care,
In hopes that Smarty McBarrelpants soon would be there.

Token was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of bushy brown beards danced in his head.
And Marker in his nightie, and Baum in his cap,
Had just settled their "heads" for a long night's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Token sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of summer's night grass
Gave the lustre of mid-day to a giant ass.
When, what to Token's wondering eyes should appear,
But a small beared man, and a six-pack of beer.

That a little old fart, all drenched and sticky,
He knew in a moment it must be squicky ol' Smarty.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he slurred, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now screw me, and Blow me, and Suck me fuck me!
On a horse, a boat, Nonsie's house and CJ, that banshee!
I've gone and spilled beer on myself! Now I'm pissed to all hell!
Still I must ring away! Ring away! Ring away the doorbell!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Smarty McBarrelpants staggered in his high.
So stumbling to the front door he flew,
With the six-pack of beer, and one in his hand too.

And then, with a chime, Token heard from the door
The prancing and pawing of drunken old whore.
As he opened the door, his heart beating fast,
There was his beloved Smarty, looking all downcast.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all drenched with alcohol and puke.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his spectacles how merry!
His beard was like bushes, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a scowl,
And the beard of his chin was brown and foul!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And Token laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Token to know they were heading to bed.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And emptied Token's stocking, then turned with a jerk.
He lay his finger aside of his crack,
And giving a nod, Token rose up his back!

Smarty sprang to his feet, his job done,
And away he flew, as he smelt bourbon.
But Token heard him exclaim, 'ere he soared out of sight,
"Happy Fuckings to Token, and to Token good-night!"

[Bells]

You see? You guys keep talking like you're rapping "old school" street-gangsta whatevs... but the lyrics are coherent from beginning to end and there is a disturbing lack of Bitches.

[krogothwolf]

I Hate each and everyone of you.

[Funka Genocide]

Why do you guys turn threads into kick-ass rap battles when I leave?

Seriously, not cool.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

You see? You guys keep talking like you're rapping "old school" street-gangsta whatevs... but the lyrics are coherent from beginning to end and there is a disturbing lack of Bitches.

We don't need incoherency or disrespect,
Cause we belong to a secret street sect.
But if it's some bitches that you be wanting,
Then prepare yourself for a massive taunting.

When you grow up in the hood you need to learn to survive,
So with our state of the art dissing we found a way to thrive.
Any of you crazy little punks that want to put up a fight,
Better sit your asses down before we shut out your light.

[Pip Boy]

And once again Megaman arrives late to the party. How come I always log on right AFTER something awesome happens? Freakin pacific standard time.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

You see? You guys keep talking like you're rapping "old school" street-gangsta whatevs... but the lyrics are coherent from beginning to end and there is a disturbing lack of Bitches.

My structuralism rap started the show,
It set up how things would go,
We all wanna be Vanilla Ice,
Kind of badass, also kind of nice,
Lyrical sophistication is the shoal,
To bring out our inner soul.

[Rejected Again]

And once again Megaman arrives late to the party. How come I always log on right AFTER something awesome happens? Freakin pacific standard time.

Hey man, don't be a bitch.
Write a rhyme to leave them in stitch.
RA Came here to leave behind,
These poor mother fuckers with his own rhyme.
The battles still on, and I will not lose.
Sit down shut up and grab some booze.

Token/asshat your welcome here
They accepted me Christ's sake, have no fear.
Have fun, enjoy life go get laid,
Find a job that you can go and get paid.
Fuck these mother fuckers, yeah, I went there
Take a chill pill, or wrestle a bear.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Hey man, don't be a bitch.
Write a rhyme to leave them in stitch.
RA Came here to leave behind,
These poor mother fuckers with his own rhyme.
The battles still on, and I will not lose.
Sit down shut up and grab some booze.

Token/asshat your welcome here
They accepted me Christ's sake, have no fear.
Have fun, enjoy life go get laid,
Find a job that you can go and get paid.
Fuck these mother fuckers, yeah, I went there
Take a chill pill, or wrestle a bear.

That is the lazy rhyming I was worried about,
This shit makes me wanna smack ya with a trout.

[Pip Boy]

http://scarless1.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/monocle.jpg

Well, my good man, no need to be dissin
The point he made I indeed was missin
But I fear he may have caused a dreadful mishap
He has caused me to invoke the proper gent rap

You youngsters come in here with language like bile
More bitter than bad tea, it makes me revile
Something you young folk must come to understand
Is that back my day, I was rappin all through the land

Until one fateful day, I was playing croquet
And some odd old fellow came walking my way
He took off one glove and my face he did slap.
He said "Old chap, I challenge to rap!"

He then laid down the words, with a tongue oh so clever
Such peculiar rhymes, I'd heard alike to them never
A crowd gathered round to see our contest
Even an MC to introduce us! No jest!

It was my turn to rap, and I responded in kind
Rapping about tea, about war, about the times
The crowd gasped in awe to see such a scene
In that day it was queer to see such a thing

We traded back and forth with tongues like honey
We rapped about justice, about truth, and about money
We laid out our rhymes with tongues that were gilded
We rhymed about love, hate, and a harlot named Mildred

We rhymed for what seemed a dreadful long day
When the MC announced, I am ashamed to say
The contest was over, my opponent had won!
I felt nothing but shame when that day was done.

So this day I vowed to rap never again
It seems from this vow I did finally refrain
It seems I had one rap left in me
Before my lyrics became ancient hist'ry

For the moral of this story, Im sure you've been waiting
A clever lyrical trap, I have secretly been baiting
When you understand why, you'll think its so lame
By reading this story, you've just lost the game!

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Yo,
don't be playing games, don't be lying cuz,
this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t28COxEp2k) is the only gentleman rapper there ever was.
Bombastic scholastic

[Pip Boy]

You're just angry that you were ensnared by my witty trap of wordplayery!

[Premmy]

I don't think Prem's rocked the fro for a while.
Man, people really need to stop lying to you.


bad rhymes

If there's one thing I can't abide, it's bad rapping. Weak rhyming, lame flow, and poor timing.

I come in clapping. See ya'll jaw-jacking, just had to come and tell you that you're slacking with your macking. Don't start the attacking, I'm just here reacting, I heard the Hat-man enacting his poor rhyme infractions so I had to do my thing and start the Lagann Impacting.

I just don't get this, I came to bear witness, but now that I'm here I gotsta battle with the witless. I would reminisce way back to the bliss, back when we used to diss, this elementary poetry, I can't help but to diss.

The best is bout to make a mess, Nice, I'll do it for less. All I ask is your respect and I'll come without duress. I see you feelin distress, thinkin that you should egress. Well if you're gonna transgress, be easy, I won't obsess, just turn your ass around and leave, and be done, take off. God Bless.

[The Argent Lord]

I don't understand why you're claiming rap flows
It's repetitive rhymes shoehorned into lame prose
With no sense of meter there's no use in rhyming
You're matching up end sounds without any timing
Besides, Prem, your rhyme scheme is much too erratic
From multi- to monosyllables, as pragmatic
Though the look I've given them's no more than cursory
It's not worth my time; take them back to the nursery.

[Amake]

Recanting in rhymes is now fashionably funky?
Stare then in shock at this sudden subversion,
As alliteration cataclysmic'ly clunky
Coaxes poor posts past all comprehension.

[POS Industries]

Man, people really need to stop lying to you.
I only have photographic evidence to go by, sir! (http://twitter.com/account/profile_image/Premmys?hreflang=en)

[Premmy]

That is a post-rain fro.

[POS Industries]

That is wearing your hair down.

[Premmy]

I can't "wear it down" it always curls upwards, I'd have to straighten it with a hot comb or press to get it to do that without water.

[POS Industries]

You're just not trying hard enough.

[Fifthfiend]

I believe it qualifies as an afro under the That One Bone Thugs N Harmony Video From Like 1995 act of 1998, amending the Doctor J/Richard Roundtree accords of 1967 and following earlier amendments such as the Richard Simmons Exemption of 1986 (famous for enshrining the 'separate but equal' status of the jewfro, a hot-button issue among 'fro communities to this day).

[POS Industries]

I suppose I'm just being oversensitive due to the fact that I'm continually forced to tamp down my own hair with various products due to the complete lack of recognition of the welsh fro in our society.

I will not rest until my hair and the hair of others like me are given all the same rights and privileges as others fros!

[Fifthfiend]

Your people have skull mops, deal w/ it.

[POS Industries]

This is the exact sort of bigotry I am talking about, sir.

Why don't you just go pass a constitutional amendment banning welsh fros while you're at it?

[Fifthfiend]

If I could I'd pass a constitutional amendment banning welsh people.

[Fifthfiend]

But I mean, Tom Cruise would bite my jugular out for trying.

[POS Industries]

If I could I'd pass a constitutional amendment banning welsh people.
http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/posindustries/facepalm/hatersgonnahate.gif

[Fifthfiend]

Welsh Americans, a proud people including such leading lights as Nick Carter, Aaron Carter, Seth McFarlane, and professional husband-turned-murder/child-kidnapper Dean Cain.

[POS Industries]

And Humphrey Bogart, Leslie Nielson, Harriet Beecher Stowe, and Thomas Jefferson!

[Fifthfiend]

Thomas Jefferson!

Why don't you go invent the rotating bookstand, Welshie scum.

[POS Industries]

You know what? That sort of hateful speech is completely unwelcome on these forums and will not be tolerated!

ENJOY YOUR BAN, ANTI-HOBBITE!

[Fifthfiend]

Hating the Welsh is welcome everywhere that the truth is welcome.

[Funka Genocide]

I wanted to talk about Soul Eater some more. You guys need to quit closing the damn threads all willy-nilly like, I'm not so spry as I used to be! Takes a little time to get around to posting dagnabbit!

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

Hating the Welsh is welcome everywhere that the truth is welcome.

Right. So what are you doing bringing it up in here?

[Kim]

I wanted to talk about Soul Eater some more. You guys need to quit closing the damn threads all willy-nilly like, I'm not so spry as I used to be! Takes a little time to get around to posting dagnabbit!

You could start a thread.

DO IT.

[POS Industries]

Right. So what are you doing bringing it up in here?
^

We all know that this community is built upon nothing more than lies, chicanery, and terrible, terrible webcomics.

[Wigmund]

^

We all know that this community is built upon nothing more than lies, chicanery, and terrible, terrible webcomics.

But we can console ourselves knowing that there are webcomics out there that are far more foul.

[Premmy]

But we can console ourselves knowing that there are webcomics out there that are far more foul.

Sure can (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=6113)

[Token]

Twas the night before Wednesday, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The windows in the kitchen were unlocked with care,
In hopes that Smarty McBarrelpants soon would be there.

Token was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of bushy brown beards danced in his head.
And Marker in his nightie, and Baum in his cap,
Had just settled their "heads" for a long night's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Token sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of summer's night grass
Gave the lustre of mid-day to a giant ass.
When, what to Token's wondering eyes should appear,
But a small beared man, and a six-pack of beer.

That a little old fart, all drenched and sticky,
He knew in a moment it must be squicky ol' Smarty.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he slurred, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now screw me, and Blow me, and Suck me fuck me!
On a horse, a boat, Nonsie's house and CJ, that banshee!
I've gone and spilled beer on myself! Now I'm pissed to all hell!
Still I must ring away! Ring away! Ring away the doorbell!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Smarty McBarrelpants staggered in his high.
So stumbling to the front door he flew,
With the six-pack of beer, and one in his hand too.

And then, with a chime, Token heard from the door
The prancing and pawing of drunken old whore.
As he opened the door, his heart beating fast,
There was his beloved Smarty, looking all downcast.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all drenched with alcohol and puke.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his spectacles how merry!
His beard was like bushes, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a scowl,
And the beard of his chin was brown and foul!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And Token laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Token to know they were heading to bed.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And emptied Token's stocking, then turned with a jerk.
He lay his finger aside of his crack,
And giving a nod, Token rose up his back!

Smarty sprang to his feet, his job done,
And away he flew, as he smelt bourbon.
But Token heard him exclaim, 'ere he soared out of sight,
"Happy Fuckings to Token, and to Token good-night!"


what