Greetings Followers

[YHWH]

Hey guys what's up?

EDIT: What God miraculously appears before you and you're tongue tied? Way to make your heavenly father feel welcome!

Hey I know what'll break the ice! Anybody wanna hear some scriptures?

[Loyal]

Jesus, do you have any idea how uncool it is to bring your old man around?

[Azisien]

Hey Bro.

Where you been?

[krogothwolf]

Monty python on NPF? Well there goes the universe

[YHWH]

Canada. They don't ask for as many miracles up here.

[Menarker]

No one is my pal unless they bring me free drinks! Work some of that Water = Wine mojo now, booze-monkey!

[krogothwolf]

Canada. They don't ask for as many miracles up here.
Thats cause we are already full of awesome

[YHWH]

No one is my pal unless they bring me free drinks! Work some of that Water = Wine mojo now, booze-monkey!


My hippie son does parlor tricks. Ask him. I'm into serious miracles.

Hey anyone wanna know how they're gonna die?

[Flarecobra]

*Guessing this is a "Let's Have Fun!" thread...*

How're the other gods that are up there?

[Viridis]

My hippie son does parlor tricks. Ask him. I'm into serious miracles.

Hey anyone wanna know how they're gonna die?*raises hand*

[Menarker]

Did you ever get in a spat with your son about how he practically stole more than half of your worshipers from your religion and converted them to his own brand, Christianity?

Oh and you might wanna tell him that he's hanging around bad sorts. You'd think he'd know better after Judas left him hanging.

[YHWH]

How're the other gods that are up there?

Douchebags! Although you never expect to be best friends with someone you fired but Zeus could at least say 'hello'! Yeah?

Viridis, you get stuck on a remote island after a plane crash. You get back home but becuase of a time warp you have to go back and die in the crash.

Did you ever get in a spat with your son about how he practically stole more than half of your worshipers from your religion and converted them to his own brand, Christianity?

I thought the name was a little presumptuous but our family therapist said you have to let children spread their wings.

[Ryanderman]

And thus, God tells the world how Lost should have ended.

[YHWH]

And thus, God tells the world how Lost should have ended.

I hid it in the Bible.

[YHWH]

Ohhhh snap! Just noticed - you guys found the oil huh? Those Pelicans must be pissed.

[Flarecobra]

So.. why DO you let people like the Westboro Baptist Church exist?

Or did they just fall though the cracks?

[krogothwolf]

Man I've joined much better cults then this before!

[Osterbaum]

I bet God is a American Imperialist sympathizer. Down with God! Down with religion!

[Archbio]

What does God need with a starship?

Wait.

Wrong sequel.

[YHWH]

So.. why DO you let people like the Westboro Baptist Church exist?

Entertainment. We don't exactly get cable up here.

EDIT: Oh! Haha you mean, like, ethically. Haha. Man you humans crack me up.

Down with God! Down with religion!

lol. Good luck.

[BitVyper]

Canada. They don't ask for as many miracles up here.

Being Canadian IS a miracle.

[YHWH]

Being Canadian IS a miracle.

Yes, it is! And I'm responsible for it!

[BitVyper]

Out of curiousity, why did you go for the whole Apocalypse/Rapture thing when you had creative teams coming up with shit like Ragnarok? Is this like Fox with Firefly?

[Menarker]

What's your deal with Satan? For all your dislike and anti-thesis of him, you still joke around with him like when you betted with him with Job. I mean, seriously I know Lucifier was your pride and joy angel way way back, but he certainly screwed that up big time.

Or heck, why do you seem to allow bad stuff to happen to good folks, or good things to happen to the real douchebags?

[Jesus]

My hippie son does parlor tricks. Ask him. I'm into serious miracles.

He thinks getting the clock radio to stop blinking 12:00 is a "serious miracle"

[Jesus]

HEY DAD LOOK OVER THERE, A MAN LAYING DOWN WITH ANOTHER MAN

there, that should get me some peace and fuckin' quiet again

[Jesus]

BETTER RUN POP, I THINK THEY EATING SHELLFISH!!

[Magic_Marker]

Some deity is getting banned before this is over I'll say that much

[BitVyper]

He thinks getting the clock radio to stop blinking 12:00 is a "serious miracle"

Hey, cut him some slack; he's old. Maybe he didn't have time to figure out clock radios in between making physics work and creating systems that would give rise to complex biological life.

[Jesus]

Hey, cut him some slack; he's old.

Fucking me, tell me about it.

"OH TWO THOUSANDTH BIRTHDAY, THINKS HES A GROWN-UP NOW OR SOMETHING

TALK TO ME WHEN YOU'RE AS OLD AS THE UNIVERSE ITSELF, JUNIOR

NOW COME FIGURE OUT WHY ALL THE GOOGLE GOES TO BARELYLEGALANGELS.COM FOR NO REASON THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE RANDOM-ASS SHIT I JUST INSTALLED BECAUSE IT TOLD ME I'D GET A VIRUS OTHERWISE"

Daddamn I gotta go miracle this headache away.

[Wigmund]

So God and Jesus, what the fuck is with you two waiting a couple hundred years and then telling some twit that he's the prophet of some new denomination of whateverthefuckyoutwoaremessingwithtoday?

I mean seriously, is it a drinking game between you guys to see how long it is before people start setting each other ablaze in the name of the new guy's church?

[Jesus]

Oh man you mean Wacky Uncle Allah from the old country?

I love that fuck, how's he doin'?

[Jesus]

No really guys me and Uncle Al came up with that whole thing together. I don't wanna spoil it, it's gonna be hilarious when you guys figure it out.

[Wigmund]

Not just him, there was that Joe Smith guy here in the US and that Hubbard fellow who's brainwashed most of Hollywood.

EDIT: We're really supposed to be worshipping cats aren't we?

[POS Industries]

Some deity is getting banned before this is over I'll say that much
I bet it's Ganesh. It's Ganesh, right?

Look, someone had to mention the elephant in the room sometime, okay?

[YHWH]

Or heck, why do you seem to allow bad stuff to happen to good folks, or good things to happen to the real douchebags?

Everyone has the capacity for good and bad. But to be honest most of you are douchebags.

He thinks getting the clock radio to stop blinking 12:00 is a "serious miracle"

I threw that POS out into the etheral void. I wouldn't be much of a god if I needed to wake up to the 'morning zoo' anyway.

HEY DAD LOOK OVER THERE, A MAN LAYING DOWN WITH ANOTHER MAN

If I recall you spent a lot of time with dudes and some hookers when you were down here. Is there something you'd like to tell your father? I LOVE YOU SON BUT YOU NEED TO TELL ME IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. I AM JUST TRYING TO SHOW AN INTEREST IN YOUR LIFE.

No really guys me and Uncle Al came up with that whole thing together. I don't wanna spoil it, it's gonna be hilarious when you guys figure it out.

Perfect. I decend from on high to spend a little quality time with my troubled son and now I find out he's a gay terrorist. Jesus Christ.

We're really supposed to be worshipping cats aren't we?

No but I'll tell Tefnut you mentioned her, if she'll return my calls.

[Jesus]

It's gonna be better than the time I was like "Hey apostles take this bread and shove it in your mouths"

"No you especially Judas, you take a biiiiiig ol' piece"

[Wigmund]

So you tricked your followers into giving you blow jobs?

Jesus Christ Jesus Christ, that's a little fucked up.

[Jesus]

A PROBLEM.

See this is the shit I'm talking about.

It's called assfucking Dad, it's a thing consenting dudes do together sometimes, 'BOUT TIME YOU GOT OVER IT MAYBE

So you tricked your followers into giving you blow jobs?

Whoa wait what dude that's gross

you're gross

[POS Industries]

I threw that POS out into the etheral void.
Welp, the secret's out.

I'm a clock radio.

[YHWH]

"No you especially Judas, you take a biiiiiig ol' piece"

What you're Catholic now too? Oy vey.

It's called assfucking Dad, it's a thing consenting dudes do together sometimes, 'BOUT TIME YOU GOT OVER IT MAYBE


Look, I'm just saying back in my day the only way a dude would do that was rapin'. And it wasn't like they were just rapin' dudes. Noah came up to me and he's like 'Dey Rapin' e'rybody out here!' so I was like, 'ok, everyone not rapin' a dude in the butt, can get in the boat.'

I mean there was other stuff too but Noah was pretty worried about the rapin' thing.

I'm a clock radio.

That energy has to go somewhere. I thought you looked familiar.

By the way stop touching yourself that's gross.

[Wigmund]

Whoa wait what dude that's gross

you're gross

Hey, you're the one with daddy issues.

[Flarecobra]

Welp, the secret's out.

I'm a clock radio.

We know.

And who said I'm human? :P

Hell, we got an intelligent cat that posts here...

[Jesus]

Look, I'm just saying back in my day the only way a dude would do that was rape. And it wasn't like they were just rapin' dudes. Noah came up to me and he's like 'Dey Rapin' e'rybody out here!' so I was like, 'ok, everyone not rapin' a dude in the butt, can get in the boat.'

That's how they did everything back in your day.

And by "your day" I mean "Hey why don't you find some married woman and tell her GUESS WHAT YOU GONNA BE A BABYMAMMA, NOW TURN AROUND"

That's right, I went there.

[YHWH]

YOUR MOTHER WAS A LOVELY WOMAN AND YOU WILL NOT SPEAK ABOUT HER THAT WAY.

[Jesus]

That's why I spend my birthdays with her and Joseph.

You know, my real dad.

[YHWH]

*sigh* Let's not fight, son. Remember when you helped me make Giraffes? You used to think it was so funny when we stretched out their necks?

I remember the first animal you made on your own - Are Platypus still around? I was never quite sure how those things stayed alive.

Joseph.


:(

[BitVyper]

Have you guys considered counselling?

[krogothwolf]

some get me out of this chicken shit cult!

[Jesus]

*sigh* Let's not fight, son.

Love these family reunions.

some get me out of this chicken shit cult!

Tell you what Dad. We can smite this jerk together.

[YHWH]

Have you guys considered counselling?


We talked about not smiting things anymore... you know, just not be so aggressive. But people still blames me for hurricanes n' shit.

Tell you what Dad, we can smite this jerk together.

On the other hand...

Hey I've got a great idea for purtagory btw. Get's this: It's a vending machine that never accepts any dollar bill no matter how crisp.

[CABAL49]

Whatever happened to the Holy Spirit? I liked that guy.

[BitVyper]

some get me out of this chicken shit cult!

Odin is cooler anyway.

[Flarecobra]

some get me out of this chicken shit cult!

I got some pamplets for the Cult of Chuluthu if you want them.

[YHWH]

Whatever happened to the Holy Spirit? I liked that guy.

Fun Fact: The Holy Spirit? Black dude.

I got some pamplets for the Cult of Chuluthu if you want them.


If you like worshipping weird space octopus thing, sure.

[Jesus]

You know him as T-Pain.

[Liquid Snake]

*sigh*

...Man, I love you guys and all, but there's a line and you crossed it at least a good twenty posts ago.

[BitVyper]

*sigh*

...Man, I love you guys and all, but there's a line and you crossed it at least a good twenty posts ago.

Like making a new account to avoid one's self-imposed exile?

[Grimpond]

Like making a new account to avoid one's self-imposed exile?

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t90/lishakara/SICK_FIRES_BRO.gif

[Liquid Snake]

Like making a new account to avoid one's self-imposed exile?

...Does it really matter exactly how well or poorly I choose to enforce a self-imposed exile?

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Someone take Liquid Snake to the hospital for a severe BURN!

[POS Industries]

*sigh*

...Man, I love you guys and all, but there's a line and you crossed it at least a good twenty posts ago.
Crossed the line into awesome.

[Jesus]

And by awesome he means "Judas's mouth"

[Wigmund]

On the point of Jesus' love life, that Mary Magdalene chick - what's the story between you two?

[Liquid Snake]

Crossed the line into awesome.

Nah, really, kind of sort of not.

(Serious Interjection Time)

I mean at some point or another in the not-too-distant past the original, sensible rule of "No Religious Discussion Whatsoever" was basically morphed into "Religious Adherents cannot defend their faith, but you're not religious you can basically mock the ever-loving crap out of religious creeds and there's nothing people who might be offended could do about it."

I know most of you probably aren't evangelical wackos like I am, but to translate this into terms many more of you could probably relate to, it'd be like if some mod created a rule where it was okay for everyone who hated Chrono Trigger to mock it relentlessly, but you'd be banned the moment you said "No wait guys, really, I feel there's legitimate reasons to believe Chrono Trigger really isn't half bad."

It's not even the criticism of religion that bothers me, or the mocking, I can deal with that, South Park does it all the time and quite brilliantly. It's moreso that the rules appear to be interpreted in such a way that arbitrarily limits one side of speech while letting the majority have free reign. It's like: I love Chrono Trigger, but if you hate it and rant about how crazy it is that's not what would offend me, it'd be if I was told I couldn't defend CT and had to endure dozens of separate posts mocking it that would eventually get my blood boilin'. And CT's a lot less important to me than my spiritual convictions.

Not a "this thread specifically" issue, moreso something that I've noticed generally for the past couple years that occasionally gets on my nerves.

And hey, if this serious post results in you all blasting me for being a weak-hearted, self-centered bastard who can't take a few jokes and who should disappear back into the abyss of self-exile instead of hatin' on Judeo-Christian faith, I'll take that as a positive sign!

[YHWH]

...there's a line and you crossed it at least a good twenty posts ago.

Eh I'm ok with it.

Man, I love you guys and all, but

Haha. You love a boy.

But hey ok sure let's make this all about you guys. Anybody wanna hear the answers to life's greatest mysteries? Usually you people ask stuff like that. Or for wishes like we're genies or something. 'Oh, cure my grandmother's cancer' 'oh, give us world peace' etc.

[Archbio]

(Serious Interjection Time)

Imagine this is a GIF. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TH6Acpzurb0)

[BitVyper]

Anybody wanna hear the answers to life's greatest mysteries? Usually you people ask stuff like that.

I ASKED you a question pages and pages ago, but you didn't even respond to it. Asshole.

[Dawkins]

Nah, really, kind of sort of not.

(Serious Interjection Time)

I mean at some point or another in the not-too-distant past the original, sensible rule of "No Religious Discussion Whatsoever" was basically morphed into "Religious Adherents cannot defend their faith, but you're not religious you can basically mock the ever-loving crap out of religious creeds and there's nothing people who might be offended could do about it."

I know most of you probably aren't evangelical wackos like I am, but to translate this into terms many more of you could probably relate to, it'd be like if some mod created a rule where it was okay for everyone who hated Chrono Trigger to mock it relentlessly, but you'd be banned the moment you said "No wait guys, really, I feel there's legitimate reasons to believe Chrono Trigger really isn't half bad."

It's not even the criticism of religion that bothers me, or the mocking, I can deal with that, South Park does it all the time and quite brilliantly. It's moreso that the rules appear to be interpreted in such a way that arbitrarily limits one side of speech while letting the majority have free reign. It's like: I love Chrono Trigger, but if you hate it and rant about how crazy it is that's not what would offend me, it'd be if I was told I couldn't defend CT and had to endure dozens of separate posts mocking it that would eventually get my blood boilin'. And CT's a lot less important to me than my spiritual convictions.

Not a "this thread specifically" issue, moreso something that I've noticed generally for the past couple years that occasionally gets on my nerves.

And hey, if this serious post results in you all blasting me for being a weak-hearted, self-centered bastard who can't take a few jokes and who should disappear back into the abyss of self-exile instead of hatin' on Judeo-Christian faith, I'll take that as a positive sign!

Sounds to me like you need to stop believing in fairy tales and get with a viewpoint that has led to literally no wars or mass violence ever http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/emoticons/smug.gif

[Jesus]

But what about commu-

[Dawkins]

NO WARS OR MASS VIOLENCE EVER!!!!!

[Nique]

It's not even the criticism of religion that bothers me, or the mocking, I can deal with that, South Park does it all the time and quite brilliantly. It's moreso that the rules appear to be interpreted in such a way that arbitrarily limits one side of speech while letting the majority have free reign.

SERIOUS INTERJECTION RESPONSE:

Although I agree with you I have to wonder if this thread is really an open critisism of religion (it isn't, really). It's certainly a playground for the agnostic majority but I mean as far as I'm concerned this is like two guys posing as (real) historical figures and providing a totally non serious commentary from a limited perspectve. This is like the heads in a jar in Futurama.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

But what about commu-

http://www.finno.org/secret.gif

[Viridis]

Anybody wanna hear the answers to life's greatest mysteries?
Explain that thing where my brain itches, the world falls away sideways and cats pontificate.

[YHWH]

Sounds to me like you need to stop believing in fairy tales and get with a viewpoint that has led to literally no wars or mass violence ever

'Hey let's say God/ belife in God did it! That answers all our problems!' lol Dawkins.

btw during the crusades I was totally like 'NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP'

Explain that thing where my brain itches, the world falls away sideways and cats pontificate.

LSD.

[Dawkins]

'Hey let's say God/ belife in God did it! That answers all our problems!' lol Dawkins.

btw during the crusades I was totally like 'NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP'

Why don't you go smite someone's city from the sky, like RATIONAL SCIENCE has never done!

[Jesus]

What about the atom b-

[Dawkins]

NEVER DONE!!!

[Liquid Snake]

SERIOUS INTERJECTION RESPONSE:

Although I agree with you I have to wonder if this thread is really an open critisism of religion (it isn't, really). It's certainly a playground for the agnostic majority but I mean as far as I'm concerned this is like two guys posing as (real) historical figures and providing a totally non serious commentary from a limited perspectve. This is like the heads in a jar in Futurama.

Criticism veiled within the context of lighthearted humor is still criticism. That's why after South Park mocks a religion, no matter how tongue-in-cheek the sequence is, a religious group usually relies on the same principles of free speech South Park relies upon to defend its rep.

Although I will reiterate that it's not the content of the criticism itself that bothers me, I think everyone deserves the opportunity to point out the numerous flaws they find in any subject. I'll even concede a few of the jokes here were damn funny. But I also found a couple offensive, and it's weird to be in a situation where I can't express that I'm offended without...stepping on people's toes and angering them...for having been offended?

Maybe I'm just the odd-guy out or maybe this is a symptom of having once been the kooky (and admittingly, at times factually deficient) Republican in a board dominated by Democrats and knowing what it felt like, but sometimes NPF seems structured to really accommodate majoritarian thought and if you disagree with the general consensus you sure as hell better not say you disagree because no one seems to tolerate dissent.

...It's also more probable that this is really an issue entirely unrelated to the lighthearted levity of this fun topic and really something that's more just been bubbling below the surface for months / years / whatever and then the next time God and Jesus are mentioned in any context I explode in passive-aggressive fury. This may be a valid criticism but more appropriate to have made in a Serious and/or Discussion oriented thread where similar issues have arisen.

...It's also even more probable that my abject failure in interviews lately have just put me in a terrible mood and this is just a logical outcome of being in said terrible mood.

This also constitutes my last post on the subject. If a mod thinks I've done a terrible thing or if you'd just like to prove me wrong, I think the best choice is to take it over to PMs so I don't flood this lighthearted topic with downtrodden seriousness again.

[Wigmund]

What about the atom b-


That wasn't done in the name of science though. It was done to prove to everyone that you don't fuck with America.

[Ayn Rand]

Sounds to me like you need to stop believing in fairy tales and get with a viewpoint that has led to literally no wars or mass violence ever http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/emoticons/smug.gif
I agree!

By rejecting deluded subservience to false gods, kings, or governments that are only instruments of theft by looters seeking to take from the hard-earned spoils of the individual, we are liberated to live as gods ourselves, remaking the world through our mastery of the invisible hand of the free market!

For you see, with no imaginary gods or greedy, weak-minded men to stop it, capitalism can blossom into the peaceful, loving, perfect, wonderful force it truly is and nothing bad will happen forever!

It's the only objectively reasonable conclusion!

[YHWH]

Ayn Rand? You're still supposed to be trying to get a candy bar out of that vending machine for the next... 4 Billion years!

[YHWH]

Why don't you go smite someone's city from the sky, like RATIONAL SCIENCE has never done!

Hey how's that withholding the cure for AIDS going for you Rational Science?

That's right I saw it.

[Ayn Rand]

Ayn Rand? You're still supposed to be trying to get a candy bar out of that vending machine for the next... 4 Billion years!
A democrat's in office!

THE FEAR OF THE RICH HAS FREED ME TO WALK THE EARTH AGAIN!

PS I still don't believe in you.

[YHWH]

That is SOME LOOPHOLE in our afterlife procedure.

[Ayn Rand]

I'm a laissez faire capitalist. Finding loopholes is like 90% of the whole ideology!

[YHWH]

Oh hey I did miss some questions earlier;

What's your deal with Satan?

Oh man everybody kicked that guy out. These days I think he covertly manages... just about everything on earth.


This also constitutes my last post on the subject. If a mod thinks I've done a terrible thing or if you'd just like to prove me wrong, I think the best choice is to take it over to PMs so I don't flood this lighthearted topic with downtrodden seriousness again.

You are forgiven, my son.

[BitVyper]

That is SOME LOOPHOLE in our afterlife procedure.

This is why I prefer oblivion to various personal hells. It's like how the Joker's always gonna get out of Arkham.

[POS Industries]

A democrat's in office!

THE FEAR OF THE RICH HAS FREED ME TO WALK THE EARTH AGAIN!
Ohhohohoho no you don't, lady!

NO GODS OR KINGS, ONLY POS!

[Viridis]

Rand: What's with all the rape?

Also, your take on things like BP's fuckup in the Gulf in relation to not wanting the guv'ment to be watching for this sort of stuff at all?

P.S.: I'm totally gonna call you Ms. Rosenbaum and deny your silly, silly made up name.

[Jesus]

NO GODS

Dude.

Why you gotta hate?

[POS Industries]

This is me we're talking about, here.

Like I even have reasons anymore.

[Jesus]

I forgive.

You knewed not what you do.

[YHWH]

This is why I prefer oblivion to various personal hells. It's like how the Joker's always gonna get out of Arkham.

Oh there's no hell. I just made a special purgatory for Ayn Rand and I thought the vending machine thing was a neat idea. You're going to laugh when you figure out how the whole afterlife thing works. It's really funny.

I forgive.

You knew not what you do.

Thats my boy.

But really I totally could have killed those Roman soliders for you if you wanted. Those guys were dicks.

[Jesus]

If that dollar bit was made for anyone, its Ayn

OH! You should have someone walk up every so often with no money, and then it gives them one for free

[Ayn Rand]

Ohhohohoho no you don't, lady!

NO GODS OR KINGS, ONLY POS!
LOOOOOOOOPHOLE!

I objectively object and reject your ejection! (Heeheehee I am so very clever!)

Rand: What's with all the rape?
It's an expansion of the law of supply and demand, in that a man should be free to demand sex from a woman who will then supply it. She might not want to at first, but eventually she'll realize that what she's doing is best for the economy and begin to enjoy her freedoms.

Also, your take on things like BP's fuckup in the Gulf in relation to not wanting the guv'ment to be watching for this sort of stuff at all?
I agree that no government has the right to intervene in the competitive market between industrious, freedom-loving oil companies and local marine life.

P.S.: I'm totally gonna call you Ms. Rosenbaum and deny your silly, silly made up name.
I objectively believe that you're an asshole to attempt trampling on my nonexistent-god-given rights to call myself whatever silly-ass name I want!

[POS Industries]

LOOOOOOOOPHOLE!
http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/posindustries/facepalm/thompson.gif

[Flarecobra]

Mods: Greater then any force in a forum.

[POS Industries]

I dunno, man. I'm the only mod in here and I couldn't even ban a shitty novelist properly.

[YHWH]

OH! You should have someone walk up every so often with no money, and then it gives them one for free

HA! I'm going to put one outside Asgard. Hoohoo Thor's in for a surprise.

[greed]

...it's Thor, won't he just, you know, smash it with his hammer? Or have Loki shapeshift into another vending machine to have sex with it?

I'm honestly not sure they'll even try to pay first, sex and/or violence are likely going to be their first repsonse.

Also serious question what was your first thought when that Izanagi dude splooged off the coast of Asia to make Japan. Cause if someone came along and bukkake'd a land mass onto something I put that much time creating I'd be pissed.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

God, I liked you as a villain protagonist in the old Testament, I wrote a rather lengthy piece about that a while ago, but Jesus is still my favorite character from the Bible, too bad a considerable amount of people who worship him completely miss the point. Or was that something you did to fuck with him/teach him a lesson?

I'm an atheist, by the way. No offense, though.

[YHWH]

I'm honestly not sure they'll even try to pay first, sex and/or violence are likely going to be their first repsonse.


An etheral vending machine of the gods is obviously beyond the scope of mortal minds.

Cause I don't if someone came along and bukkake'd a land mass onto something I put that much time creating I'd be pissed.

Why do you think I don't visit Japan?

God, I liked you as a villain protagonist in the old Testament, I wrote a rather lengthy piece about that a while ago, but Jesus is still my favorite character from the Bible, too bad a considerable amount of people who worship him completely miss the point. Or was that something you did to fuck with him/teach him a lesson?


Oh man it was more like 'hey all these other gods are angry and messed up, so maybe ours is sort of angry too but not as much'? And then Jesus came and set it more or less straight. So he was feeling pretty good about that. Then there was like book burning and crusades and stuff and I was like 'see it's not so easy is it?!'

I'm an atheist, by the way. No offense, though.

It's cool, I don't belive in you either. Come to think of it this is pretty surreal conversation.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Hey Supreme Being, I have a question? This is not some lame, why is there so much hatred or pain, starving children, abusive and cheating spouses. Why murderers, rapists and hateful people exist. No I have a incredibly important question that has plagued me for many years...

Can you make a burrito so hot, that even you get stomach pains from it?

[A Zarkin' Frood]

This shit's mind enhancing!

[YHWH]

Can you make a burrito so hot, that even you get stomach pains from it?

You mean can I alter the nature of my exsistence to accomodate a limited humanoid form, create a burrito flavoured with the magical spices of cosmic radiation and thus suffer the ill effects of heartburn and indigestion?

Yeah I can do that. But everytime I do, it creates a black hole.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

You mean can I alter the nature of my exsistence to accomodate a limited humanoid form, create a burrito flavoured with the magical spices of cosmic radiation and thus suffer the ill effects of heartburn and indigestion?

Yeah I can do that. But everytime I do, it creates a black hole.

No no no. You as YOU eat a simple burrito that is so hot that it gives you indigestion and heartburn.

[YHWH]

Oh.

Then I can't do that.

[BitVyper]

No no no. You as YOU eat a simple burrito that is so hot that it gives you indigestion and heartburn.

That WOULD be him as him, but it doesn't matter because your question has a loophole anyway in that he can allow himself to get indigestion without contradicting any other aspect of his nature. The rock-so-big question works (actually doesn't, but lets not get into that here) because it implies there's something God CAN'T do regardless of the outcome.

Edit: But his answer is much simpler for getting past all this.

[Amake]

I have a question, God. How do you go about making new additions to the Bible? I assume it's still a work in progress, as humanity is. But it's been a while since anything was added to it. I'm afraid you could be sending your holy message to folks who are fit receptacles, phrophets, goofballs, hippies and such, but the Vatican has trouble taking their word for your Truth. How does that work?

[BitVyper]

Oh, that reminds me; I had a question about the Expanded Universe, if you're not too busy: Is Paradise Lost canon?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I have a question: Zizek says that you are an eternally depowered being and that our actions cause you suffering. The monstrous nature of Christ as a being outside is part of the necessary rectifiers to this. Response?

Also if I kill some dudes and tell them you told me to will you get me off?

[YHWH]

How do you go about making new additions to the Bible? I assume it's still a work in progress, as humanity is. But it's been a while since anything was added to it.

Good question! You get a miracle.

Yeah Revelation talks about 'New scrolls' so obviously when someone makes some additions to the Bible in scroll form that'll be it. Also I'll let you guys know.

It won't be from a hippie. :/

Oh, that reminds me; I had a question about the Expanded Universe, if you're not too busy: Is Paradise Lost canon?

It's like an alternate universe. In this other CrAzY Dimension I run? Totally.

Also if I kill some dudes and tell them you told me to will you get me off?

Yeah sure, I mean killing dudes is like my least favorite thing but they probably deserve it righ.... Oh hoo... Nice try. Not falling for that one again.

The monstrous nature of Christ as a being outside is part of the necessary rectifiers to this.

I'm, um, not exactly a native english speaker. Could you repeat that in Hebrew?

[BitVyper]

It's like an alternate universe. In this other CrAzY Dimension I run? Totally.

Ugh, using alternate universes to explain continuity errors is so lame.

I'm, um, not exactly a native english speaker. Could you repeat that in Hebrew?

Apparently the board won't display Hebrew characters...

[YHWH]

BitVyper dies by getting sucked into a dimension populated enitrely by Ayn Rands and commiting suicide.

[Nique]

Hey God if I promise to be really really good can I have eternal happiness for myself and all my loved ones?

[YHWH]

Sure.

[BitVyper]

BitVyper dies by getting sucked into a dimension populated enitrely by Ayn Rands and commiting suicide.

That doesn't sound like me.

[Nique]

Can I have it now?

[YHWH]

Don't push your luck.

That doesn't sound like me.

In my expierience from the inception of time to today, one can never truly be prepared to meet an entire universe of Ayn Rands. I don't hang out there much.

[Amake]

Ooh, a miracle. Can I have Milla Jovovich covered in butter? :3

[Krylo]

You mean can I alter the nature of my exsistence to accomodate a limited humanoid form, create a burrito flavoured with the magical spices of cosmic radiation and thus suffer the ill effects of heartburn and indigestion?

Yeah I can do that. But everytime I do, it creates a black hole.

...Could you make me one of those burritos?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I'm, um, not exactly a native english speaker. Could you repeat that in Hebrew?

Wait, you wrote the Bible and it's in English. Did you just use Babelfish?


Also question for Dawkins if he still around:
I saw a tv program last night- "God Delusion"- where you claim that the Bible perpetuated bronze age myths. Considering the Bible was written in the iron age are you high or just a dumb fuck?

[YHWH]

Ooh, a miracle. Can I have Milla Jovovich covered in butter? :3

There's a large fellow down the street from you named Milla Jovovich. Him right? He's waiting ;)

...Could you make me one of those burritos?

TBH it's basically a nacho cheese burrito from Taco Bell but, you know, with the radiation.

Did you just use Babelfish?

I created the Babelfish and Douglas Adams never let up about it until he finally got that stupid book published.

[Krylo]

TBH it's basically a nacho cheese burrito from Taco Bell but, you know, with the radiation.
Oh.

Well I kinda prefer the Volcano Burrito to be honest. Do they still have those?

I don't have a Taco Bell in town, here.

[Archbio]

I saw a tv program last night- "God Delusion"- where you claim that the Bible perpetuated bronze age myths. Considering the Bible was written in the iron age are you high or just a dumb fuck?

It seems to be that the important part in that claim is "myth" and not "Bible," and yes, some myths that have been perpetuated by the Bible seem to have existed much earlier than when the Bible was written/collected/dictated by beardo over there.

But basically the idea is just to use Bronze Age as a slur, but really; can anybody here build a Great Pyramid? And lets not even mention all of the other (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAMRTGv82Zo) great contributions to civilization from that period.

[Krylo]

Give me 10,000 slaves and a stone quarry and I'll build you all the pyramids you want.

Edit: Some of them need to be good at stone masonry, too. 'Cause I sure as hell can't carve rock to look pretty.

[Archbio]

Khufu did it with his slaves tied behind his back!


No seriously, I hear they didn't even use slaves for that.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

It seems to be that the important part in that claim is "myth" and not "Bible," and yes, some myths that have been perpetuated by the Bible seem to have existed much earlier than when the Bible was written/collected/dictated by beardo over there.



No you see I just don't think he knows what he is arguing, which would fit wit hpretty much everything else he has ever done.
The Bible is pretty clearly iron-age, the mindset in it was iron-age, the thoughts and beliefs in it are iron-age.
I guess I can accept calling it bronze-age if they don't complain when I call his views early enlightenment.

As for building a pyramid, get me some cranes and some stone and some workers, I'll build it easy.

[Osterbaum]

But why bother with pyramids? Those are lame as shit.

[krogothwolf]

Anyone want to join my cult? The first annual punch drinking event will happen next weekend!

[Geminex]

How many tentacles does your god have? Tentacles are in right now, the Oracles tell me.

[krogothwolf]

If you should Join the cult I'm creating, this god will have 9 tentacles, 8 mouths, 12 eyes, and 14 hands!

[Osterbaum]

Does your cult arrange mass orgies?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

One doesn't arrange mass orgies, one simply allows them to happen

[krogothwolf]

SMB has the right idea. Orgies at the cult will just happen as everyone goes with the flow!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

But why bother with pyramids? Those are lame as shit.

JUST LIKE FINLAND!!

http://www.grayflannelsuit.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/oh_snap.gif

[Osterbaum]

Oh, snap!

[A Zarkin' Frood]

This is slightly more more less epic than a photopucket "exceeded bandwidth" notice uploaded via ImageShack.

http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/4842/photobucked.jpg (http://img821.imageshack.us/my.php?image=photobucked.jpg)

[synkr0nized]

hotlink owned


also, lol @ the YouTube watermark in the actual image

[Wigmund]

Hey God and Jesus too, are y'all gonna be at Glenn Beck's 'Reclaiming America' Rally this weekend?

I know he really wants you two to show up. He's been invoking your names all the damn time.

[Dracorion]

Hey God.

Can you make me a sammich?

[Shyria Dracnoir]

So YHWH, how's Bahamut been hanging? Does he ever do anything interesting or does he just swipe gold cobblestones from the streets of Heaven to nap on?

[Fungrus]

What's the deal with Buddha?

[YHWH]

Hey God and Jesus too, are y'all gonna be at Glenn Beck's 'Reclaiming America' Rally this weekend?

If I don't show up when millions suffer natural disasters or the horrors of war, then I'm probably not gonna show up at Mr. Crazy's happy-super-racist-fun-rally.


Can you make me a sammich?

The lord helps those who help themselves. My child I have already given you the bread of life. (RE: Make your own damn sandwich)

Budda.... Bahumut....

Heaven is full of really interesting things and personalities. Sometimes one of you guys catch a glimpse of something up here and all of a sudden its 'whoa! Dragon gods (really more like dogs with cosmic power. No biggie) or 'Whoa! Rub that guy's belly!' You people make a big deal out of everything.

[krogothwolf]

The lord helps those who help themselves. My child I have already given you the bread of life. (RE: Make your own damn sandwich)

See in my cult, my crazy ass god will make you a sandwich! Right after the first ever annual punch drinking party.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Heaven is full of really interesting things and personalities. Sometimes one of you guys catch a glimpse of something up here and all of a sudden its 'whoa! Dragon gods (really more like dogs with cosmic power. No biggie) or 'Whoa! Rub that guy's belly!' You people make a big deal out of everything.

Hey now, you can't deny the mystical power of tummy rubs. Sure it makes for a rather embarassing Achiles heel, but at least it's inherent ridiculousness means it's not one most adventurers are likely to stumble upon. All the more power to dragonkind then :D

[Sithdarth]

Give me 10,000 slaves and a stone quarry and I'll build you all the pyramids you want.

Edit: Some of them need to be good at stone masonry, too. 'Cause I sure as hell can't carve rock to look pretty.

I think I remember hearing somewhere that at least some of the pyramids (or the majority of the workforce) were actually ordinary citizens that more or less volunteered their time for a few years in service of the pharaoh as he was considered a living god. I think there might have also been some form of material compensation involved as well. The long and the short of it is that people working for the salvation of someone they worship and a little compensation on the side makes for a much more motivated workforce.

[BitVyper]

Yeah, the pyramids weren't built by slaves. As I recall they were kind of like make-work projects for the off-season. Egyptian history actually claims that there WERE no slaves until the Hyksos took over. Whether or not that is true is anyone's guess, but I don't THINK it's something the accounts would lie about, since if it were happening, it would probably have been a generally accepted practice.

I am several years removed from my history classes though, so bear that in mind.

[Flarecobra]

How many tentacles does your god have? Tentacles are in right now, the Oracles tell me.

That they are, and how many do you want? :P

[01d55]

As I recall, working the pyramids was a form of taxation - farmers did construction when they weren't needed on the fields. They got food and board but no pay.

Payment of taxes in ways other than currency was common even up to the foundation of the United States - early on, farmers paid taxes in livestock or other goods.

[Archbio]

I wouldn't say it's very clear cut: (http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/ancient/egyptians/pyramid_builders_01.shtml)

But, in a complete reversal of the story of oppression told by Herodotus, Lehner and Hawass have suggested that the labourers may have been volunteers. Zahi Hawass believes that the symbolism of the pyramid was already strong enough to encourage people to volunteer for the supreme national project.

[Thadius]

Hey, uh, God? I'd just like to say thanks for making a world where these (http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/candy/c6b4/) exist and letting me get some. Heck, I'm fairly certain I saw infinity.

Anyways, serious question time. Clearly You can just say 'I'm God and I'm right,' and nobody could doubt You. But I'd like to know two things, if You'd be so kind.

First, how did You start this shindig? Was it an accident that You ran with, or...?

Second, how will the part where humans are involved come to an end? I'm fairly certain about everything else, those are the two gaps I'd like closed, if You'd be so kind.

[YHWH]

Alrighty puny mortals, this will be my last appearance for a while. I have to ascend make to my heavenly abode. First I will ascend in a, uh, horizontal fashion, then vertically.

Heck, I'm fairly certain I saw infinity.

Looking into infinity is like peeking up the skirt of the lord. How does it feel to be a cosmic pervert?

Was it an accident that You ran with, or...?

I wished only to share the joys and pains of existence with other creatures... plus you know, an infinity of boredom. Things have clearly gotten a little out of hand. Whoops!

Second, how will the part where humans are involved come to an end?

The hilarious thing is, never really. But things will get better!

...Probably.

I mean, you're bound to figure your past that whole relativity thing and get out to some other planets soon, that should help. Keep on truckin guys!

A'ight bitches - I'm out!

[Flarecobra]

Hey, uh, God? I'd just like to say thanks for making a world where these (http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/candy/c6b4/) exist and letting me get some. Heck, I'm fairly certain I saw infinity.

Caffeinated marshmellows are far superior.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

On Egyptian pyramids- I haven't done any Egyptian history but I've done Greek history and if Herodotus tells us they were built by 100,000 slaves I can say pretty conclusively they weren't built by 100,000 slaves. Not only did he tend to make shit up adn fill his histories with rumours and falsities, his Egyptian chapter is particularly notorious because it describes his travels through Egypt and there is evidence that he may not have even been to Egypt.

[Archbio]

http://img838.imageshack.us/img838/8945/herodotus.png

Cartoon evidence backs up Herodotus both on the giant ants thing and the slaves thing.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Though for hijicks historians its hard to beat Livy who invented historical personages with names like Livicus so that his family would seem historically important.

[Jesus]

Hey God and Jesus too, are y'all gonna be at Glenn Beck's 'Reclaiming America' Rally this weekend?

I would, but Ludacris is having a party.

How does Big Jez'r like his Souf? He likes it durrrrty.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Yo Jesus, I got all these engrams pilin up. How do I get rid of them?

[Jesus]

I usually just turn 'em into wine.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I usually just turn 'em into wine.

Could you turn my water into some Black Cherry Lemonade?

[Jesus]

I could, but I don't like you.

...Just kidding! I love all of My children.

Still not gonna, though.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I could, but I don't like you.

...Just kidding! I love all of My children.

Still not gonna, though.

echnically through Your intervention makes me wanna get my own bottle. So it was You gave me a bottle of Black Cherry Lemonade.

[krogothwolf]

I could, but I don't like you.

...Just kidding! I love all of My children.

Still not gonna, though.

You used to be cool Jesus, what happened to you?

[Jesus]

echnically through Your intervention makes me wanna get my own bottle. So it was You gave me a bottle of Black Cherry Lemonade.

Mysterious ways.

You used to be cool Jesus, what happened to you?

Hold on a minute guys, I gotta brush this krogoth offa my shoulders.

[Wigmund]

Well since you and God aren't going to Beck's rally tomorrow, can you at least make his head explode at the height of it? Maybe with a nice touch like fireworks shooting out from his neck spelling out "STOP BEING DIPSHITS, LOVE GOD and/or JESUS" in the sky.

[Nique]

A visit from dad is bound to make anyone a little grumpy.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Hey Jesus:

Why do people commit hate in your name when you preach love? Also God. You and Lucifer friends, the whole good vs evil is a giant prank war?

[Jesus]

Hey Jesus:

Why do people commit hate in your name when you preach love?

Haters gonna hate.

[The Sevenshot Kid]

Haters gonna hate.

Are you secretly Kanye West?

[TDK]

I would, but Ludacris is having a party.

Ludacris is actually playing a concert right down the road from me this weekend. o_o

[Jesus]

Ludacris is actually playing a concert right down the road from me this weekend. o_o

I'd get you into the afterparty with me but really it ain't your scene, you don't wanna be there.

Wait, yeah you do.

Still not gonna, though.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Oh Lamb of Lambs, could you smite my ultra conservative family members. They hate in your name!

[krogothwolf]

Oh Lamb of Lambs, could you smite my ultra conservative family members. They hate in your name!

Don't they also preform love in his name too? Do you spy on the hot ones when they scream out your name during sex?

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

Don't they also preform love in his name too? Do you spy on the hot ones when they scream out your name during sex?

Hey krogo. See this line?

|
|
|
|

You just jumped across it!

[CABAL49]

Give me some energy so I can not fall asleep before 11pm on a Friday.

[Jesus]

Are you secretly Kanye West?

I don't wanna give too much away or anything but let's just say that the businesses all hate me cause the industry ain't make me.

[Jesus]

Haha naw I'm playin', I ain't J.

I actually am black though.

[Jesus]

Funny story, one time Jay came into a party and went all like "sup everybody 'HOVA IN DA HOUSE"

and I came up behind him and went like "Yeah, he is"

The look on his face, oh man.

[Donomni]

Haha naw I'm playin', I ain't J.

I actually am black though.

I must ask, then: were you a consultant on the Black You Christmas episode of the Boondocks, or were they winging it?

[Flarecobra]

Haha naw I'm playin', I ain't J.

I actually am black though.

What's your take on all the alternate Jesuses, such as Raptor Jesus?

[Archbio]

So, Jesus... how do you feel about league bowling on saturdays?

[Kim Jong-Il]

Since it seems like we're handing out miracles, any chance I could score a few fleets of nuclear submarines? Nothing really elaborate, a just load them with a few ballistic missiles, some nuclear MIRVs, and perhaps a targeting satellite or two. Pretty please?

[Loyal]

Alright, now it's getting out of hand.

[Kim Jong-Il]

Alright, now it's getting out of hand.

You're right. Maybe just one fleet of subs.

[Wigmund]

Are you lonely Lil Kim? Is that why you're visiting NPF?

[Kim Jong-Il]

I don't really get lonely. I have the screams of thousands of starving citizens to keep me company.

[Nique]

From his profile

Kim Jong-Il has not made any friends yet

edit: Ok wtf Wigmund

Are you lonely Lil Kim? Is that why you're visiting NPF?

Did you edit this? I swear I saw 'lonely' written as 'ronery'

[Wigmund]

I don't really get lonely. I have the screams of thousands of starving citizens to keep me company.

Oh, do you have a musical instrument like this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sLNOhA7C2Q)?

Did you edit this? I swear I saw 'lonely' written as 'ronery'

I may have as I'm not sure what I'm doing right now.

[POS Industries]

All right, now we're just hitting the bottom of the barrel. Also post limit! Like forever ago!

Also, once again: NO GODS OR KINGS, ONLY POS!