"Is my husband GAY?"

[Kim]

Ahahahaha this is the best thing I've read all day.

Link (http://christwire.org/2010/08/is-my-husband-gay/)

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

God, this is some Grade-A satire... Wait. You're saying it's serious?

So, yeah, this is just hilarious. Do any of you have other "signs" a guy might be gay?

[Pip Boy]

If using sex toys means you're gay, I better go tell my girlfriend that she popped the wrong cherry.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I think my husband may secretely be a robot. How do I tell?

[Kim]

Does he wink at the computer?

EDIT: Okay, ChristWire has to be a joke (http://christwire.org/2010/10/harry-potter-wears-womans-bra-in-new-movie/).

[Darth SS]

Wake up, he's a shape shifter!


(credit to the Onion)

[bluestarultor]

Uh, yeah, I thought we established Christwire was satire ages ago.

Poe's Law, I guess.

[Kim]

The OP article I can see Christians believing. They're crazy. The Harry Potter bit reminded me that I've seen this crazy before and it was fake.

[Aerozord]

So, yeah, this is just hilarious. Do any of you have other "signs" a guy might be gay?

16: Insists on having anal sex regularly

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Does he wink at the computer?

EDIT: Okay, ChristWire has to be a joke (http://christwire.org/2010/10/harry-potter-wears-womans-bra-in-new-movie/).


Goddamn you that made my brain hurt with the utter stupid. I think I need a lie down now.

[Kyanbu The Legend]

17. Is an advent fan of Boy Bands and loves Big Time Rush.


EDIT : Seriously it's stuff like this that makes me glad I'm single, and want to stay that way.

[Bob The Mercenary]

A new Harry Potter movie is coming out on November 19. While the movie series has always displayed a latent homosexual agenda, the new and final movie of this series fully comes out with its gay agenda. Your children are in danger.

Harry Potter already pushed the idealogy of homosexual encounters with a magician named Dumbledore, modeled after another gay agenda (g.a.) wizard Gandolf the Gay in the equally dangerous Lord of the Rings movies.

What?

[Edit] No, seriously.

[EditEdit] http://christwire.org/2010/10/science-of-homosexuality-lesbian-mice-genes-reveal-why-gay-males-are-moody-are-dysfunctional/

http://christwire.org/2010/10/torrential-floods-continue-to-drown-gay-east-coast/

Apparently you're moody, dysfunctional, and deserving of hurricanes.

[Fenris]

18. Sleeps with men.

19. In the butt.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

People think I'm gay because I prefer female company. Yes. Right.
It's not like I wear any "questionable" colors, like pink or bright yellow, nothing says gay more than those two colors. Well, purple is a borderline case I guess but aside from that and a leetle bit of red my clothing is black like my soul. It's because I don't want to be with drunken yelling assholes that I have to be gay. Sometimes I pretend I am for the shiggles. No better way to get some fuckwit to leave you alone. "I'm not usually gay, but for you I will be any day" is also good, if they think it's a joke just give 'em a wink. It's way better than saying that I'm not gay because all the smart-asses will either think I'm still in the closet, a homophobe or both.

So yeah, preferring female company makes one gay.
So does wearing pink and yellow. What? My dad told me, he wouldn't lie.

[Flarecobra]

20: Loves listening to George Micheal and Boy George.

[krogothwolf]

21. Is a fan of Glen Beck

[Aerozord]

22. Is a conservative politician

with how many get caught this should come as no shock

[Aldurin]

23. You're male.

[Pip Boy]

I had a friend once who we accused of being gay when he joined the cheer-leading team. Then he got put on the bottom of the human pyramid and he was told to stick his hand under a girl's ass for support and smile. We don't call him gay anymore.

[Magus]

Christwire is wonderful and morally sound Christian website (yes it is satire), remember when I posted that bit about how Pastor Fred Phelps is definitely not a secret gay pedophile (http://christwire.org/2010/04/pastor-fred-phelps-is-not-a-secret-gay-pedophile/)?

[Satan's Onion]

24. Has your husband shown any emotions lately? The only God-approved emotions a man may feel are rage, lust, and stoic indifference. If he should respond to a situation in any other way, it's a sure sign he enjoys taking it roughly up the sin-hole. (If he should be so depraved as to actually shed tears, call your pastor. Your husband may be a victim of demonic possession. It is well-known that the pooper is as a wide open gate through which demons may enter at any time.)

Also:

I had a friend once who we accused of being gay when he joined the cheer-leading team. Then he got put on the bottom of the human period and he was told to stick his hand under a girl's ass for support and smile. We don't call him gay anymore.

Are you sure you don't mean "pyramid", there?

[bluestarultor]

Are you sure you don't mean "pyramid", there?

I certainly hope so, because if I had to holding up a human period like that, I certainly wouldn't be smiling.

[CABAL49]

Noncon I am starting to wonder if you are gay. Your late night use of computers, your Gym memberships, your trendy clothes, your love of pop culture, your shirtlessness and strange sexual demands. You fit a lot of the signs on that list. I mean, I know I am from a Southern state and all, but it is cool if you are. I have these pamphlets about homosexuality and how to cure it. Just try and keep an open mind when you read it. Damn you queers are close minded. Your radical ideology is a threat to my nonexistent kids and faith! CONVERT! CONVERT! CONVERT!

[Nique]

how to cure it.

One way is to ingest the semen of another, most assuredly, straight man.

EDIT: I think I was trying to make a joke but now I just feel sorta creepy. :/

[synkr0nized]

EDIT : Seriously it's stuff like this that makes me glad I'm single, and want to stay that way.

I don't follow the logic here, even if the OP wasn't satire.

[Nique]

I don't follow the logic here, even if the OP wasn't satire.

Like, if Kyanbu was in a straight monagamous relationship, he probably wouldn't want his SO snooping around for hidden clues about his 'terrible' homosexual secret life that he doesn't have.

EDIT: Like, actually, speaking as a married dude I would be pretty hurt if my wife was the sort of person to snoop around and try to 'catch me' being 'gay' or even if she suspected me of cheating just becuase I did something totally innocuous like if I cried at a movie or went to the gym an extra day or whatever other ridiculous stuff is in that list. Even though this is a joke it is really sad to think that there are some SOs who would do stuff like this to each other.

Noncon I am starting to wonder if you are gay. Your late night use of computers, your Gym memberships, your trendy clothes, your love of pop culture, your shirtlessness and strange sexual demands.

NonCon is a womanizing, cigar smoking, beer drinking bearded lumberjack you may have seen him model for your favorite brand of extra-durable paper towels.

[Pip Boy]

Fix'd. Yeah, pyramid. Sticking your hand into a period would be.... unpleasant. And probably a sign that you're gay.

Noncon I am starting to wonder if you are gay.

You aren't the first and you won't be the last.

[Lost in Time]

bearded lumberjack
?
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/11559234/lumbr6.jpg
Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
and hang around in bars!

[Archbio]

NonCon is a womanizing, cigar smoking, beer drinking bearded lumberjack you may have seen him model for your favorite brand of extra-durable paper towels.

Does he go shopping and have buttered scones for tea on wednesdays?

Edit: Freaking ninjas, leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.

[Kim]

Noncon I am starting to wonder if you are gay.

I'm your husband?

[synkr0nized]

I'll be your huckleberry.

[Donomni]

24. Your husband plays Robot Unicorn Attack. Moreso if he does this unashamedly. No straight-as-his-wang American Red-Blooded Dominant Male would do such a thing.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

One way is to ingest the semen of another, most assuredly, straight man.



Of course it has to be delivered within an instant of leaving the penis of the straight man, because otherwise the magic semen would lose its power. There's only one way to do that. It's not the most pleasant job for a straight macho man like me, but I'll volunteer to get NonCon back to our shore.

[Archbio]

24.

What red blooded, patriotic, manly man from the USA would not be attracted to Jack Bauer?

[CABAL49]

I'm your husband?

Only in certain states. We were both really drunk that night. .

[Magus]

24. Your husband plays Robot Unicorn Attack. Moreso if he does this unashamedly. No straight-as-his-wang American Red-Blooded Dominant Male would do such a thing.

Which lead us into

26. He has a crooked wang.

[Terex4]

27. He looks better in your clothes than you do.

[Amake]

28. He reads books. If he's trying to think for himself and questioning things, he could be questioning his sexuality. Distract him with boob jobs.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

29. He doesn't want you to get a Boob job. He may claim that it's because you're beautiful for who you are and he doesn't want you to ruin yourself in chasing perfection, but it might just be that he wants to use the money to hire a gay prostitute instead.

[Amake]

I was thinking about a sex act only a woman can perform, but it works either way I guess. :)

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

I was thinking about a sex act only a woman can perform, but it works either way I guess. :)

I thought it went
boob job = breast enhancement
titfuck = exactly what it sounds like

[Darth SS]

30. He says that titfucks are demeaning to women, and questions why you do them. Only dude-meat-lovers would say anything other than "Awesome."

[Dracorion]

Could you theoretically get a titfuck from a guy if he has big enough man-boobs?

[Darth SS]

Yes, but I would think the hair would chafe.

[Amake]

Use some lubricant.

(And now we have a sex act that most women and some dudes can perform and I can't. I did not think that through.)

[Melfice]

Use some lubricant.

(And now we have a sex act that most women and some dudes can perform and I can't. I did not think that through.)

See, this is the kind of shit that always has me double guessing what gender you are. :crossarms:

Also, I'm fairly certain I've seen an instruction sheet on the internet that explains how small breasted individuals can perform a tit-fuck.

Japanese.

Of course.

EDIT: I am well aware of the implications this post made.

[Pip Boy]

I find this thread both arousing and confusing.

[Dracorion]

I find this thread both arousing and confusing.

http://www.mspmentor.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/msp_success_key.jpg

[Amake]

See, this is the kind of shit that always has me double guessing what gender you are.http://www.mspmentor.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/msp_success_key.jpg
No, officially I'm a girl, but of course it's all make-believe. I trust that clears up any confusion.

And of course anyone can do the aforementioned stuff, in so far as any surface area can be used to rub genitals against. But in my opinion you need a big set of funbags to do it properly.

[CABAL49]

No, officially I'm a girl, but of course it's all make-believe. I trust that clears up any confusion.

And of course anyone can do the aforementioned stuff, in so far as any surface area can be used to rub genitals against. But in my opinion you need a big set of funbags to do it properly.

With enough ingenuity anyone can preform a titfuck. I have had small breasted girlfriends before, it is doable. As with any bedroom trick, it is the challenge that makes it the most fun.

[Pip Boy]

Did we just reverse-NonCon this thread?

Cuz it started pretty gay and now its pretty damn straight.

[Lost in Time]

Oh god this thread is too hetero now, burn it! Burn it alive!

[A Zarkin' Frood]

Let love in your heart
But do not cage it in
Let it flow freely

[Magus]

Let love in your heart
But do not cage it in
Let it flow freely

All over his face.

There, gay again. Topic saved.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

It was supposed to be neither straight nor gay, just love.

[Pip Boy]

http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt143/lightchan_raito/sexy_cosplay/simon_cosplay_gurren_lagann.jpg
I hope you can never see TTGL the same way ever again.

You're welcome.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

^ is that a girl or a guy?

[Kim]

It's a girl.

[Pip Boy]

That is most definitely a female Simon. A rather hot female Simon.

EDIT: Dammit NonCon, you crafty bastard.

[Kim]

I'm honestly surprised anyone would have trouble being able to tell.

[Aldurin]

(Number lost-count): He uses the phrase "That's what he said!!"

[Nique]

I'm honestly surprised anyone would have trouble being able to tell.

Esspecially since exactly 97%* of c(r)os-players protraying young male characters are actually girls for whatever reason but their costumes are almost always better than their male counterparts.

*That's a joke, son

[Melfice]

I'm fairly certain the bandaids (or whatever they are) hiding the nipples weren't a great big hint, though.

Fairly certain guys would be less apprehensive about revealing their nips.

[bluestarultor]

I'm fairly certain the bandaids (or whatever they are) hiding the nipples weren't a great big hint, though.

Fairly certain guys would be less apprehensive about revealing their nips.

Also less likely to be pulled over for it.

[Magus]

Between all the Sexy Female Links, Robins, and now Simons on the internets I'd say there's plenty of guys out there who are at least half gay right now.

[Pip Boy]

Is it gay to love a man if you only love her for her tits?

[Hanuman]

Similar:

Because clearly if you have flash installed you are a hacker.
As an enlightened, modern parent (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y01Y1268070Y7469210/adequacy-20), I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/glance-browse/Y02Y0921909Y2426340/adequacy-20) eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/glance-browse/Y02Y4248125Y0732691/adequacy-20), and I can say without the slightest embellishment (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/156158231X/adequacy-20) that I have the finest family in the USA (http://www.usflag.org/). Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children's education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq (http://www.compaq.com/) to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0735613486/adequacy-20) programs we'd bought, such as Adobe (http://www.adobe.com/)'s Photoshop (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004YNJJ/adequacy-20) and Microsoft (http://www.microsoft.com/)'s Word (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005B0C6/adequacy-20), and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged into the living room one night to blurt (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00000IZMJ/adequacy-20) out: "Peter is a computer hacker!"



As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house (http://www.hemingway.org/images/House-turret256.JPG)! I began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn't just telling stories (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004WG5A/adequacy-20), as she is prone to doing at times.
After a few days of investigation (http://www.adequacy.org/s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y03Y3490725Y7094331/adequacy-20), and some research into computer hacking, I confronted Peter with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0226728129/adequacy-20) and to have integrity (http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/gwbbio.html), and Peter betrayed the principles (http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/bc42.html) we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y03Y3164158Y1319640/adequacy-20) His denials (http://www.capitolhillblue.com/July1997/textofjul4.htm) continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0691089582/adequacy-20) for his actions.
After going through this ordeal (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y04Y3769065Y6606319/adequacy-20) with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0670030260/adequacy-20) over those few days regarding hackers. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0884193748/adequacy-20) into the world of hacking. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000001GX8/adequacy-20) need to be employed.
To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a hacker. I advise any parents to read (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y01Y1333938Y9036082/adequacy-20) this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0943990955/adequacy-20), or even spanking (http://www.spanking.com/). I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380788012/adequacy-20) before a spanking becomes necessary.
1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?
Most American families (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y04Y3090578Y4769781/adequacy-20) use trusted (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1890386456/adequacy-20) and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL (http://www.aol.com/). These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0575042362/adequacy-20). If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider (http://www.home.net/).
I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005PJ8I/adequacy-20) from AOL (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0764534173/adequacy-20)'s child safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to enjoy the internet (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005BC23/adequacy-20) without the endangering him through exposure to "adult" content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL (http://www.aol.com/) provides, rather than using a home-based solution (http://www.cyberpatrol.com/). If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various hacker sites.
2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?
Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel (http://members.aol.com/motwn/page1.htm). Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".
The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.
3. Has your child asked for new hardware?
Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards (http://www.matrox.com/), and larger hard drives, or even more memory (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0960170618/adequacy-20). If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.
If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD" (http://www.amd.com/), this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD (http://www.amd.com/) is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips (http://www.intel.com/). They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor (http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-glance/Y01Y3117867Y3420222/adequacy-20) makers, such as Intel (http://www.intel.com/), use to prevent hacking. AMD (http://www.amd.com/) chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0415900042/adequacy-20).
4. Does your child read hacking manuals?
If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0880480467/adequacy-20), as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/155874942X/adequacy-20) and hobbies (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087474816X/adequacy-20). Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0198021) attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.
There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.
If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.
5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?
If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services (http://home.netscape.com/). This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law (http://www.redwolfairsoft.com../images/review%20images/Super90%20M3/lapd%20m3.jpg), and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.
6. Does your son use Quake?
Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.
If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks (http://www.jpfo.org/triggerlocks.htm) installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.
7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?
As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.
Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.
8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?
BSD (http://www.bsd.org/), Lunix (http://www.lunix.com/), Debian (http://www.debian.org/) and Mandrake (http://www.mandrake.com/) are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system (http://www.lunix.com/), invented by a Soviet computer hacker (http://www.goldeneye.com/julian/boris.html) named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix (http://www.xenix.org/)", which was written by Microsoft (http://www.microsoft.com/) for the US government (http://www.usflag.org/). These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone (http://www.att.net/).
Your son may try to install "lunix (http://www.lunix.com/)" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, lunix (http://www.lunix.com/) is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional (http://www.adequacy.org/public/users/70/index.html).
If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix (http://www.lunix.com/). In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix (http://www.lunix.com/) is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.
9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?
If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers (http://www.geocities.com/syme1984/hackers_graphics/hackg02.gif) tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks (http://glowproducts.com/quinten.jpg)" and some wear pacifiers (http://media.chickclick.com/chickclick/image/culfea_rave_165.jpg) around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.
10. Is your son struggling academically?
If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku (http://time-stranger.net/otaku/)" hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation (http://www.yourneighborhooddoctor.com/computer-monitor-radiation-shield-dr.htm) can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically.
I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in prison (http://www.cdc.state.ca.us/facility/instfol.htm), and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.

[Magus]

Is it gay to love a man if you only love her for her tits?

Depends on how much you love her cock, I suppose. Do you only bother to employ it during a threesome with a full-on female? Is it like one of those manga cocks that's actually a giant clitoris? etc.

There is a sliding scale to cover these things.

[bluestarultor]

Lev, reading that makes me want to scream. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD tell me that it's from Christwire so I can sleep tonight.

[Pip Boy]

That article is a crime against my higher brain function and I demand that its author be flogged.

[Loyal]

The first list is kinda funny.

The second one is just depressing.

[Magus]

It reads like it's from Christwire so I think you can sleep tonight. I mean, between "Lunix" and "Quake is hacker central" I think you are safe in supposing it is satire.

[Aldurin]

(Oh god what did he post?)

If that system was actually used by my parents I would have forgotten what a computer looked like by the time I graduated.

Lev, reading that makes me want to scream. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD tell me that it's from Christwire so I can sleep tonight.

"Lunix" has got to be one of the worst insults to the open-source community ever. If this is a joke then my hatred of the source will be reduced by 5%.

That article is a crime against my higher brain function and I demand that its author be flogged.

I think we should hack the guy's computer to teach him a lesson.

[bluestarultor]

It reads like it's from Christwire so I think you can sleep tonight. I mean, between "Lunix" and "Quake is hacker central" I think you are safe in supposing it is satire.

You have no idea how much hearing that makes me feel better.