The Solid Snake is a Fucking Failure at Life Thread

[Solid Snake]

...You know what this community has desperately needed while I was away?

...A thread in which you can laugh at all the stories of how much of a fucking jackass, a fucking dipshit, a fucking miserable excuse for human flesh Solid Snake is.

...Let's rectify this situation immediately!!!

This is The Solid Snake is a Fucking Failure at Life thread, a special place where you can come in, sit down, warm yourselves by the fire, and laugh uproariously at stories of my complete and utter ineptitude.

Did you just receive that promotion, win the heart of that special someone, or ace that test? Come here to mock someone lower on the totem pole of existence than you. Did you just lose your job, lose that special someone, or flunk that test? Come here to realize that you still have it better off than Solid Snake, the living pile of excrement that God pities for ever having the audacity to create and expect anything less than catastrophic debacles with.

Yes, this is a thread where you will be regaled with stories of how Snake is offered opportunities on a silver platter and finds new and unique ways to shoot himself in the foot, scream and howl in pain, and then shoot himself again. Because as all of you and everyone else in this world can attest, there is nothing Solid Snake does better than...absolutely nothing.

So come back here for regular updates of Snake whacking himself with a gigantic hammer, standing underneath a falling anvil and falling off cliffs in a manner even Wile E. Coyote would find excessive. This is your one-stop shop for mocking the poorest excuse for a legally minded lawyer the law has ever known, and you are going to have so much fun checking my updates and laughing profusely at my unique brand of pitiless self-inflicted misery.

CHAPTER ONE: "I would call you an idiot but that is an insult to idiots everywhere"

Earlier today I went to Starbucks after my last class to sip on my daily dose of coffee, do a bit of legal reading for tomorrow's class, and waste time on my laptop chatting with people on MSN like Nikose.

I ordered my drink at Starbucks and proceeded to sit down at an available table. I sat down and began to work.

An attractive girl with dark tanned skin (likely Greek, Italian or Hispanic) and dyed red hair had ordered her own drink (some colored tea concoction apparently), then approached me, and said "I'm so sorry, do you mind if I sit at your table? All the tables are taken and I have an interview shortly." I said, "Oh, sure! Go ahead!" She was probably just a few years younger than me and quite pretty. I was a bit taken aback. Typically at Starbucks strangers do not sit across from you at your table.

And then what does Solid Snake. Guys. This is Solid Snake we are talking about. What does he do. What does he say.
Absolutely nothing.

I am talking to Nikose on MSN while this is happening. My first indication that something was a bit off was that she had brought a backpack with her and took out a book of...Immanuel Kant. She was studying for a course, underlining notes. She did not appear to be preparing for an interview. I did note this but figured she must be the type who's addicted to studying.

Nikose meanwhile essentially called me about fifty bad names and regaled me to make a move. Of course I said nothing, because I am horribly scared the minute I open my mouth she will say "Fuck off, I had to sit here and I'm studying, don't bother me you pathetic pervert." So I just keep doing my own work, listening to Nikose call me names on MSN, etc.

Eventually I get a call from my father, we speak briefly, and I decide it is time to head out because it is getting late and I have to grocery shop. Hint number two that something was off: Forty-five minutes have passed, at least that amount of time has passed, and she is still sitting there reading her Kant. Her interviewer has not arrived.

As I leave I actually do at least have the basic human courtesy to say "Good luck on your interview!"
Her: (looking up at me, smiling) "Oh, actually my interview was just cancelled. But thanks!"
Me: "Oh! Where were you going to interview with?"
Her: "Just an insurance company for an internship."
Me: "Oh. I hope it works out for you. Have a nice day!"

AS I WALK AWAY AND AM EXITING THE STORE, I LOOK BACK
And I realize something strange.
Something I did not recognize before, because at the time my vision was largely limited as she was sitting down.
SHE WAS WEARING BLUE JEANS.

...Now let's do the math, kiddos:

1: She says she has an important interview at the coffeeshop, requiring her to sit down in the store, requiring her to break social convention and sit across from me.

2: She spends the whole time reading and underlining a Kant book, and texting on her phone. I swear I catch her a couple times glancing my way, but I assume it's just my imagination.

3: The interview was "canceled" and she still wasn't leaving the Starbucks.

4: SHE WAS WEARING BLUE JEANS.

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...So after this occurred I told the story to my friend Kris, who sent me over a dozen texts in the proceeding hour mocking and insulting me, including the titular quip, "I would call you an idiot but that is an insult to idiots everywhere"

...Let's face the facts. A remotely attractive woman was actually interested enough in my appearance alone to take a gigantic risk and prove she had more balls than I will ever possess in basically concocting a hypothetical scenario that gave her an excuse to potentially get to know me.
I DID NOTHING BECAUSE I AM A JACKASS AND DO NOT DESERVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST.
I not only fucked up from my own selfish perspective, I completely invalidated an incredible once-in-a-lifetime gesture from one of a stark minority of individuals in the world who actually would be fooled into believing for a split second of inaccuracy that there was anything remotely redeeming about me and worthy of taking such a risk for.

...I deserve to be shot. I deserve to be hanged. I deserve to be beaten into a bloody pulp by Jack Bauer.

And she was reading Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason.
And playing with her hair the entire time.


...Come back next time for a new exciting chapter of "The Solid Snake is a Fucking Failure at Life Thread!"

Nikose was right I am chickenshit.

[ChaoticBrain]

It could be worse. You could make friends with a nice Bolivian girl, cute, pretty and smart, and meet up with her every week to talk about miscellaneous geeky trivia over lunch, only to eventually discover that she has a boyfriend already and, in your embarrassment, fail to e-mail her in an attempt to rectify the situation because you don't know what to say without sounding like a creep. She never calls back, you never try to reach her, and before long, it's like she might as well have never existed.

[Geminex]

Dude. Sit back, chill. Grab a motherfuckin' Faygo. Or something, I dunno.

In any case, relax. You missed a chance, yeah. But it's not once-in-a-lifetime. Don't torture yourself with this. It's not that huge a deal. You seem intelligent, if over-anxious, and if a good-looking girl wanted your company once before, it'll happen again! I've known stranger things to happen.

I mean, remember this, and next time you feel like you're in a situation like this, use it to motivate yourself to take the risk. Live and learn, man.

[Kerensky287]

Snake? Snake, what are you doing, get back there! Argh! Forget it, the mission's a failure! Return to base.

GAME OVER

[Fifthfiend]

Oh my god I just want to hug this thread and tell it everything will be okay and like... buy it a puppy

[Nikose Tyris]

Oh my god I just want to hug this thread and tell it everything will be okay and like... buy it a puppy

If you bought Snake a puppy it would either run away because of how sad it is, or the puppy would die right in front of him right when he allowed himself to love it.

[Solid Snake]

If you bought Snake a puppy it would either run away because of how sad it is, or the puppy would die right in front of him right when he allowed himself to love it.

And then a meteor would streak down from the heavens and slam into the dog's lifeless corpse.

Snake! Snake?!??!? SSSSSNNNNNAAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEE

Dun dun dun dun dun...
DUN DUN DUN!!!

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I tihnk someone need a course in SMBness, I'll teach you to be so smug and arrogant as to not even consider the company of others, except for some light-hearted amusement.

Or drop you some Kantian pickup lines..
"I'll categorical your imperative!"
"The unobservable truth is that you and me should be synthesised"
"The thing-in-itself is soon to be the thing-in-yourself".
Guaranteed to work. Guaranteed

[Geminex]

"The thing-in-itself is soon to be the thing-in-yourself".
Tell me, do you like it when women spray you with Mace?

[Nikose Tyris]

Tell me, do you like it when women spray you with Mace?

Pfft, natural immunity at this point.

[Geminex]

Besides, likening your genitals to a 'thing in itself' is more or less an admission of impotence.

Edit:
I mean, you get points for honesty, but still, Snake needs more girls, not less.

[Doc ock rokc]

Dude just shake it off. You'll catch the next fish. Hell I am in all probability much worse then you. I am in one of my friend's words and I quote "The most Oblivious, son of a bitch that I have ever meet," end quote. One chick (who apparently had a thing for me, although I loathed her friends-who-where-boys) once asked me if I was gay because I didn't pick up her hints.
So Yeah. At least you where not thought to be a Gay guy. (also If the chick was Into you why didn't she be more strait forward or AT LEAST introduce herself!)

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

At least you're not hit on by gay men during work.
Not that there's anything wrong with that really, I just never figured out why he thought I was interested.

[Nikose Tyris]

So Yeah. At least you where not thought to be a Gay guy.

Actually, there are many, many men that come onto Snake on a daily basis. There are not any women that do this.

[Solid Snake]

Dude just shake it off. You'll catch the next fish.

...I am absolutely, positively, 100% certain based on past empirical scientific evidence that I will not.
Because this kind of situation has arisen many times before in the past.
And every time.
Every time.
I chicken out.
An inability to form coherent verbal thoughts and systemic shyness is practically hard-coded into my DNA.


So Yeah. At least you where not thought to be a Gay guy.

...
...
......
I will just go on record and proclaim that more gay guys than women have asked me out in my lifetime.
Considerably more.
Mind you, it's really just a pleasant compliment (most of the time, so long as the comments aren't lewd and inappropriate.)

EDIT: Dammit Nik, stop Ninja'ing me!

[Loyal]

Snake. What are we going to do with you? You need a wingman, badly.

[Solid Snake]

Snake. What are we going to do with you? You need a wingman, badly.

I thought that was you Nikose

I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU

[Nikose Tyris]

Under my encouragement you've actually spoken to women and had some marginal success at times, you're making progress.

[Magus]

That's some major Fission Mailed right there, Snake.

Big Boss totally wouldn'tve let this happen to him.

However!

If you go to that Starbucks a lot maybe you'll see her again and can make your move then.

[rpgdemon]

Here's my suggestion: Talk to people. Male, female, whatever. Become comfortable talking with people, and then small talk and flirting is incredibly easy. Just, like, slip into a persona of confidence, or something. I dunno.

Step two: Remember to ask for phone numbers.

[Kim]

Tips

1. Try autogenic training. If it works, you have a good way to just calm yourself when you're stressed. If it doesn't work, you took time out of your schedule to just relax and chill out. Way I see it, it's win/win.

2. Look at your diet and see if you can make it healthier. It has a positive effect on your mentality, or so I hear. If it doesn't, at least you're healthier.

3. Make time for an exercise routine. Can releave stress and anxiety, and even if it doesn't you're healthier for it.

4. Go out of your way to create situations in which you have to talk to people you don't know or don't know that well. Talk with your mouth-words, I mean.

5. Change up your wardrobe, hair, etc for something that makes you more confident in your looks and behavior.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Pfft, you have nothing on me Snake, nothing at all. At least women appear to be interested in you, if even slightly. At least they appear to make up stories just so they can sit down next to you hoping to make further contact. At least some of the women you might be interested in are not all taken by complete jackasses who treat them like shit, or who will immediately jump on the nearest jackass who will treat them like shit just because, despite how much effort you've put into to trying to get to know them and show them what a nice guy you are.

The only difference is at this point I just don't care and have given up looking any more. I figure if it'll happen it'll happen, but there's no point whining over it in the meantime.

EDIT; Also if you're on MSN look me up man, we can brood together. I have stories of failure that would make even you feel good about yourself.

[krogothwolf]

I thought you met a girl already Snake?

Also, the first thing you did wrong was talk to Nikose! bad mistake, we all know talking to Nikose makes you start doing crazy thing, the man messes with your mind with his crazy mind control powers!

[Nikose Tyris]

I thought you met a girl already Snake?

Also, the first thing you did wrong was talk to Nikose! bad mistake, we all know talking to Nikose makes you start doing crazy thing, the man messes with your mind with his crazy mind control powers!

I thought I told you to kill the president. *glare*

[Bobbey]

3. Make time for an exercise routine. Can releave stress and anxiety, and even if it doesn't you're healthier for it.

5. Change up your wardrobe, hair, etc for
something that makes you more confident in your looks and behavior.



This.

These two points are probably the ones that have helped me with relationships the most in the last 5 years. Exercising takes that stress away and makes you look healthier, and a healthy looking person (healthy, not buff with a 6 pack) is damn sexy and attractive, both ways (guy->girl, girl->guy, or whatever anyone's orientation is).

And beleive me, sometimes something as trivial as a new haircut or a new pair of shoes you bought can make a difference with the opposite gender.

All this is coming from a women, mind you.

[krogothwolf]

I thought I told you to kill the president. *glare*

I killed the president of the Nikose fan club!

[Kyanbu The Legend]

Maybe it's not too late. I'd stop by the same Starbucks everyday for a straight month just for the chance that she'll comeback there again someday.


Aside from that, as lot of us have said already, try small talking with people. You know, work on getting convertible with talking to people. I've been through this kind of thing in high school before and talking with people (male and female) has helped me a lot.

After all a little small talk with the right girl can turn into many good things.

[Fifthfiend]

If you bought Snake a puppy it would either run away because of how sad it is, or the puppy would die right in front of him right when he allowed himself to love it.

I feel like the puppy would try to cuddle him and he would just freeze up

his face, a rictus of terror

The puppy licks his hand, Snake screams inside his mind

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE

... I think the major takeaway I get from these Snake threads are like, fly honeys be all up on Snake's junk all the goddamn time, I honestly don't know whether to feel worse for him or for the legions of woman he has crushed with his ackward panicky rejections.

This.

These two points are probably the ones that have helped me with relationships the most in the last 5 years. Exercising takes that stress away and makes you look healthier, and a healthy looking person (healthy, not buff with a 6 pack) is damn sexy and attractive, both ways (guy->girl, girl->guy, or whatever anyone's orientation is).

And beleive me, sometimes something as trivial as a new haircut or a new pair of shoes you bought can make a difference with the opposite gender.

All this is coming from a women, mind you.

Like gat damn I think the worst thing that could happen here is for S. Snake, Esquire to be even more good looking, the last thing the women of the world need is to feel even worse when he yet again denies them the him that they crave.

[Aldurin]

If you ever see her again and she notices you in a manner that is not disdain or "is he gay?", say hello to her and apologize for not talking to her at Starbucks. If you need an excuse you could say some moron was bothering you on MSN, and you were trying to code a custom firewall to keep him away.

But if you see her with another guy you see hang out at the coffee shop a lot, just go do something worthy of chapter 2.

[Fifthfiend]

"now that I have met a good christian man who is also a law student AND in stupid-excellent phsyical fitness, and he has cold-shouldered me like a motherfucker, I guess I will never be able to love again."

Is that what you want, Snake?

Is that what you want, you brute?

[krogothwolf]

Were you the girl he cold shouldered Fifth? Were you?!?!

[Seil]

hey snake. hey. (http://nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=18506&) Though you're less Tydeus and more Snake. And she's less of a whore and more a young, wholesome individual.

Also:

Were you the girl he cold shouldered Fifth? Were you?!?!

As far as I am aware, Cornelius J. Fifthfiend III works in a business job, drives a... Honda Civic... I think. He is the same race as M. Night. Since no pictures of such a man exist, I'll have to find a suitable substitute:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Ph8V052fCNE/Se9GgprkLjI/AAAAAAAAFyE/o3ylPFEkIqg/s400/JasonStathamFrank.jpg

Which, Snake, if you're still paying attention, has an example of the best way to pick up girls.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

http://i212.photobucket.com/albums/cc230/Shyria_Dracnoir/romancesolutions.jpg

I'm afraid I can't offer much more help. My baseline self-esteem rating consistently ranked at "zilch" for most of my life. I swear, if I was any more of a wallflower, people would check what side of a tree I was on to determine north.

[Solid Snake]

Also Relevant:

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfb6aalF1C1qg42mno1_500.jpg

[Nikose Tyris]

We need a new you, plus some positive proof that you're not just a goof!

[Seil]

So let's stand by the side and assess the situation here:

Someone pretty came over and batted her eyelashes at SS, and he didn't notice.

...Is that it? Is that all? 'Cause you could look at the second part there, where it says "SS didn't notice," OR you could look at the first part where "Someone pretty came over and batted her eyelashes." 'Cause it seems to me that if you're getting looks, than that's a good thing that should totally improve your self confidence.

But the way the first post reads, you might just want to check yourself into a clinic or something, not for obliviousness, but because you're being so hard on yourself you're pushing it into drama-queen territory.

[rpgdemon]

My suggestion for self confidence: Don't take yourself so seriously. It seems counterintuitive, but really, when you're not taking yourself seriously trying to be SUPERCOOLBUSINESSLAWYERMANDUDE, and just, "LAWYERMANDUDE", it's a lot easier to fulfill your expectations of yourself, and then suddenly, since you don't have huge shoes you're setting yourself up to fill, you don't worry about filling them.

If that makes sense.

Edit: You're the lawyermandude, right?

Double edit: Screw you forums for not making my edit look like I edited the post, and making me seem crazy.

Triple edit: Seriously, I'm not crazy.

[Fenris]

If you ever see her again and she notices you in a manner that is not disdain or "is he gay?", say hello to her and apologize for not talking to her at Starbucks.Wow man you've gotten a lot better at writing good posts man good for-f you need an excuse you could say some moron was bothering you on MSN, and you were trying to code a custom firewall to keep him away.

whelp

[rpgdemon]

Oh, also, people like compliments, it turns out. Compliment her hair, shirt, whatever, as long as it's not, "OMG U R SO HAWT WOOOTWOOO THAT WAS A WHISTLEY CATCALL".

[Krylo]

Also Relevant:

The lesson is clear: You need to do something completely ridiculous (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsLsxgCUi6E). And possibly crash a concert.

[Bobbey]

Originally Poste by rpgdemon:
My suggestion for self confidence: Don't take yourself so seriously. It seems counterintuitive, but really, when you're not taking yourself seriously trying to be SUPERCOOLBUSINESSLAWYERMANDUDE, and just, "LAWYERMANDUDE", it's a lot easier to fulfill your expectations of yourself, and then suddenly, since you don't have huge shoes you're setting yourself up to fill, you don't worry about filling them.

If that makes sense.

I wholeheartedly agree. Someone taking themselves seriously is a big turnoff; it can sometimes make a guy look like he's too stressed out or full of themselves, which is two extremes you don't really want to touch when talking to a girl.

[PCD]

I think we can all look at that post and be pretty sure Snake isn't going to come across like he's full of himself. Stressed, however, is an entirely viable option. So yes, instead of taking a stupid move as the be-all-end-all of all your romantic possibilities forever, try lightening up laughing about it. Making a thread to make fun of yourself can be a right step, so long as you take it as "haha whoops that was dumb let's make fun of me" instead of "I SUCK FOREVER AND EVERYONE SHOULD HATE ME"

[Seil]

Cracked's 6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off list. (http://www.cracked.com/article_18440_6-things-men-do-to-get-laid-that-science-says-turn-women-off.html)

[Solid Snake]

Cracked's 6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off list. (http://www.cracked.com/article_18440_6-things-men-do-to-get-laid-that-science-says-turn-women-off.html)

I do not believe in that list because it stereotypes women and at least one or two of its generalizations seem outright wrong to me.

...Also, I'd rather live and die a virgin than stoop so low as to become one of those douchebag pickup artist types who treat women like crap. Like, at one point or another a few months ago, I actually came to the personal conclusion that I'd rather remain a "nice guy," even if it meant me losing out on opportunities to get laid, rather than be a jerk. I'd rather be myself than pretend to be someone I'm not.

Not that I have any validity whatsoever insofar as my "technique" leads me to remain a frustrated virgin, but, so be it.

[Krylo]

I do not believe in that list because it stereotypes women and at least one or two of its generalizations seem outright wrong to me. You know, I kind of agree, but at the same time, maybe you shouldn't be listening to yourself (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=39621).

Not that I have any validity whatsoever insofar as my "technique" leads me to remain a frustrated virgin, but, so be it.What technique?

The awkwardly glance across the room and remaining silent and then not talking when she comes up to you thing? 'Cause, I mean, I wouldn't call that a technique, any more than I'd call ramming your nose into someone's fist a fighting style.

[Solid Snake]

The awkwardly glance across the room and remaining silent and then not talking when she comes up to you thing? 'Cause, I mean, I wouldn't call that a technique, any more than I'd call ramming your nose into someone's fist a fighting style.

I have actually done better in the past than I've done today. Not "Nikose level" better, but darn good for myself when I've been luckier or less stupid.
But, yes; technique is probably the wrong word to use there.

[Seil]

I could post that "Nice Guy" rant, but Krylo repped me down for doing that once already.

...Maybe if I post it ironically (http://nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?p=826934#post826934).

[Fenris]

"Nikose level"

This is your first and only problem.

[Solid Snake]

I could post that "Nice Guy" rant, but Krylo repped me down for doing that once already.

...Maybe if I post it ironically.

...I do believe that there is a subtle but notable difference between "nice guys" who are doing it as an act to try to impress women, and nice guys who are actually, honestly, upstanding gentleman and treat men and women of different races and ages and appearances just about the same.

...I consider myself to be in the latter category.
Also, I don't blame my failures with women on the notion that I am "too nice." To the contrary, I don't think my "niceness" has anything to do with it, and in fact, it probably helps me more than it hurts me.
...It's the fact that I'm so damned shy and incapable of communicating verbally with confidence, that is the problem.

[Nikose Tyris]

This is your first and only problem.

I 100% agree with this post.

[Krylo]

Not "Nikose level",Let's uh... Let's just keep it that way.

But seriously, maybe you should just try talking to girls with no intent of romantic entanglement. Regardless of whether they are attractive or not. Like, cute Kant girl... instead of worrying about how to ask her out, maybe mention that you're interested in philosophy, or if you know something about philosophy, even better. Agree/disagree with it.

I mean, you seem to be pretty pants shittingly terrified of girls. I think it's time for some exposure therapy. Go out there and just talk to them. Any chance you get. Fat girls, skinny girls, girls that climb on rocks. Even girls with chickenpox.

You need to get over this fear of women if it's that important for you to get a lady friend.

OR BETTER YET: Realize that it's really not a big deal if you do have a lady friend. It's cool if it happens, but you can be perfectly successful and happy without a vagina in your life. Stop caring.

If nothing else, coming to that realization will, paradoxically, help you get women.

[The Kneumatic Pnight]

An inability to form coherent verbal thoughts and systemic shyness is practically hard-coded into my DNA.

I just wanted to point out that, for hundreds of lifetimes and thousands of generations, every one of your ancestors on both sides of your family have been able to reproduce at least once.

So this whole "can't talk me to women" thing is entirely your own, personal fault.

[Seil]

I mean, you seem to be pretty pants shittingly terrified of girls. I think it's time for some exposure therapy. Go out there and just talk to them. Any chance you get. Fat girls, skinny girls, girls that climb on rocks. Even girls with chickenpox.


Meet Krylo, one of the great Broadway (http://waitingforsondheim.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/seussical1.jpg) writers.

All rhyming aside, I'd say go with this. Talk to ladies. 'Cause otherwise it's like a middle school dance and you'll be stuck on one wall and they'll be stuck on the other forever.

[Krylo]

Meet Krylo, one of the great Broadway (http://waitingforsondheim.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/seussical1.jpg) writers.

I am deeply disappointed in you.

That was not an armour hotdogs commercial.

[Fenris]

I just wanted to point out that, for hundreds of lifetimes and thousands of generations, every one of your ancestors on both sides of your family have been able to reproduce at least once.

So this whole "can't talk me to women" thing is entirely your own, personal fault.

Blame the parents!

[Azisien]

Don't get involved with Italian chicks.

[/thread]

[Solid Snake]

Let's uh... Let's just keep it that way.

But seriously, maybe you should just try talking to girls with no intent of romantic entanglement.

In my defense there, I was raised very conservatively.
Nonetheless, I've had several platonic female friends. Few that have sticked. Not to be stereotypical -- I know everyone's different and mileage may vary depending on circumstances -- but almost all my close female friends have flaked on me, for varying reasons.

Ironically, I used to talk far more frequently with women back when I was very conservative and involved in my evangelical church group -- back, in other words, when the women wouldn't have been interested in me anyway. It's easier in that context to start the kinds of "deep" philosophical or sociopolitical conversations in a church setting, where girls seemed primed for it. Much more difficult to play to my strengths at a random bar or coffeeshop scene.

Granted, none of this provides a halfway decent excuse as to why I couldn't start a solid conversation with a girl reading Kant of all authors.

I mean, you seem to be pretty pants shittingly terrified of girls.

I am pretty pants shittingly terrified of strangers, period.
People I do not know, of all shapes and stripes.
I hate the whole small talk thing. Hate it. I hate the spontaneity thing. It's easy for me in the context of a job interview or some sort of event in which there's artificial and formal structure provided. But I cannot be spontaneous. I literally spaz out in nervousness trying to think of what to say and how best to say it. And that's almost as true with men as it is with attractive women. I only complain about the attractive women because I have plenty of close platonic friends, and I don't have a date.


OR BETTER YET: Realize that it's really not a big deal if you do have a lady friend. It's cool if it happens, but you can be perfectly successful and happy without a vagina in your life. Stop caring.

I've been through phases in my life where I didn't care at all about dating or relationships and...sure enough, I never went out on dates or engaged in relationships.
That kind of attitude is dangerous for me because if I want to concentrate my life solely on intellectual pursuits and if I don't set lofty social goals for myself and find reasons (such as attracting ladies) to force me out of my comfort zone, I'm introspective, dorky, and obsessive enough when it comes to my hobbies to do so. Not to mention quite busy with law school requirements.

And then I'll snap out of it and realize I wasted two weeks of free time writing stories on NPF or playing videogames or doing something with no social value. I have to almost force myself to budget the time, and give myself a reason for doing so, or it just doesn't happen.

[Krylo]

I am pretty pants shittingly terrified of strangers, period.
People I do not know, of all shapes and stripes.
I hate the whole small talk thing. Hate it. I hate the spontaneity thing. It's easy for me in the context of a job interview or some sort of event in which there's artificial and formal structure provided. But I cannot be spontaneous. I literally spaz out in nervousness trying to think of what to say and how best to say it. And that's almost as true with men as it is with attractive women. I only complain about the attractive women because I have plenty of close platonic friends, and I don't have a date.

I am, honestly, pretty much the same way in my natural state. The only way to 'fix' this is to force yourself to fix this. You hate small talk? Too bad. Go make small talk anyway. It'll be painful and pathetic and terrible at first, but you'll get better. You'll probably never be super comfortable in groups, but you'll eventually be able to talk to people you want to talk to without pissing yourself.

Alternatively: Get a part time job in customer service during break. That'll help.

[Fifthfiend]

Were you the girl he cold shouldered Fifth? Were you?!?!

NO

maybe!

[mauve]

Quite frankly, the fact that this girl sits down at your table, texting and maybe looking at you when she thinks you're not watching, possibly lying to you, and yet apparently making zero attempts to converse with you after inviting herself to your table seems a bit creepy to me. Some weird mixed signals there, and the whole "interview" thing is kinda bizarre.

But I digress. Don't worry about it! Stuff happens! You're not the only person in the world who's ever felt unconfident or awkward talking to people. If it's something that really bothers you, try looking into what services your school offers. My university had a counselling program that was free to all students, specifically aimed at common problems like stress and social anxiety. Apparently now there's also a social group for people who have trouble meeting/talking to new people, which I wish was around during my time at the university. So go do some investigating into what your school offers. You might find something cool.

And most of all, stop being so hard on yourself.

[Kim]

Oh! Snake! I've got it! If you don't take any of my other advice, fake an accent.

[Solid Snake]

Quite frankly, the fact that this girl sits down at your table, texting and maybe looking at you when she thinks you're not watching, possibly lying to you, and yet apparently making zero attempts to converse with you after inviting herself to your table seems a bit creepy to me. Some weird mixed signals there, and the whole "interview" thing is kinda bizarre.

I honestly thought it was nice of her in retrospect, and I was a jerk for not being receptive to what she was doing. I think many women -- even moreso here in the District than in other places I've lived -- want the man to take the initiative, and so the extent of their "being forward" or "assertive" in their interest is being subtle and manipulative in contriving circumstances to provoke the man to realize she's there and take charge.

At least that's how I've largely perceived the atmosphere here. It's how it's happened before. And I certainly appreciate those kinds of gestures, even if only in retrospect, compared to others who are just silent or exceptionally passive. At least this way after the fact I'd actually realize there was an interest there.

Of course I'd certainly selfishly prefer to meet a woman who actually walked straight up to me, started a conversation, told me she was interested and asked me on a date. Although those women likely only exist either in my imagination or in my worst nightmares (see September of last year.)

I will look into university offerings, but there aren't very many here, to be frank. Law school tends not to provide the kind of social amenities available at most universities, and the general idea is that it's more a professional environment for independent adults, so there aren't many groups that meet here that aren't in some way related to journals or internships or careers.

And most of all, stop being so hard on yourself.

Hey now, I'm an aspiring attorney.
All attorneys everywhere are excessively cynical, over-analytical, and hard on themselves by default. It is the way law school trains us to act.

Oh! Snake! I've got it! If you don't take any of my other advice, fake an accent.

...Once a friend of my sister's convinced me to pretend I was the son of an Alaskan crude oil magnate at a club we attended. He concocted a story for me to tell the ladies and told me to say I was attending Yale (I was an undergrad then) and told me to say I was filthy rich. We would have gone with a more exotic background but I'm terrible with most accents. He actually pretended he was a visiting student from Germany.

...The sad thing is this it was the most successful night I've ever had in regards to the sheer quantity of interested women I met and had a chance to go home with. It was only my overbearing conscience and my disinterest in getting as drunk as they were that led me to fail to take advantage. He took advantage, though. So I guess it does work, if you have no morality?

[Kim]

I didn't say to fake a backstory. I said to fake an accent. Accents are sexy.

[Darth SS]

Okay, Solid Snake come and meet me at post 64.

In my defense there, I was raised very conservatively.
Nonetheless, I've had several platonic female friends. Few that have sticked. Not to be stereotypical -- I know everyone's different and mileage may vary depending on circumstances -- but almost all my close female friends have flaked on me, for varying reasons.

Friends do that. There is no correlation between vaginas and flakiness. That didn't come out right. But you're picking up what I'm putting down; There's a reason that saying "Yeah, this is my best friend I've known him since '93" is a rarity. And being raised conservatively means nothing, I was raised in a pretty religious Roman Catholic household, and attended a Catholic High School. I do not act it, what with drunkenness, misogyny and wanton unemotional sexual intercourse pretty much being my "to-do" list for a given weekend.

Ironically, I used to talk far more frequently with women back when I was very conservative and involved in my evangelical church group -- back, in other words, when the women wouldn't have been interested in me anyway. It's easier in that context to start the kinds of "deep" philosophical or sociopolitical conversations in a church setting, where girls seemed primed for it. Much more difficult to play to my strengths at a random bar or coffeeshop scene.

Well of course it was. Everything is pre-defined. Your mere presence in that situation makes a set of rules and presumptions for everyone involved, and delivers an element of certainty to your entire social interaction. You don't pick chicks up at church, you just don't.

And this whole "strengths" "weaknesses" thing? Cut that shit out. You define what your strengths and weaknesses are by the sheer practice of just doing something. I'm bad at math, so I do a lot of math. You're bad at talking to people, so go talk to people. Doesn't have to be a woman. Go to a party, meet a friend of a friend. Befriend them. Go and befriend a friend of theirs. Go and meet a female friend of the new friend (formerly friend of a friend of a friend) and befriend her. Meet people, learn that people are not lying in wait, anticipating for that moment you slip up and say something incorrect. They are not constantly of the verge of yelling "OMFG THIS GUY JUS TMENTIONED A CARTOON WHAT A FAG HA HA HA YOU DUMB FUCK LOLWUT!!11one"

Seriously, we're all just folk.

Granted, none of this provides a halfway decent excuse as to why I couldn't start a solid conversation with a girl reading Kant of all authors.

It was Kant, dude's been beaten to death. If she was reading Kierkegaard then that is a hell of a conversation.

I am pretty pants shittingly terrified of strangers, period.
People I do not know, of all shapes and stripes.
I hate the whole small talk thing. Hate it. I hate the spontaneity thing. It's easy for me in the context of a job interview or some sort of event in which there's artificial and formal structure provided. But I cannot be spontaneous. I literally spaz out in nervousness trying to think of what to say and how best to say it. And that's almost as true with men as it is with attractive women. I only complain about the attractive women because I have plenty of close platonic friends, and I don't have a date.

I started developping some semblance of social skill by joining this forum back in the TopWebComics days when I was twelve years old. So by comparison you are leaps and bounds ahead of 12 year old me.

I have loads of friends, yet I'm currently single. I'm happy to have friends, I'll deal with the single thing when I meet someone I want to date. Maybe you should stop being so concerned about being single and just RELAX by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

And then I'll snap out of it and realize I wasted two weeks of free time writing stories on NPF or playing videogames or doing something with no social value. I have to almost force myself to budget the time, and give myself a reason for doing so, or it just doesn't happen.

I know a guy who forgot about Valentine's Day and was subsequently torn asunder by his girlfriend because he spent two days playing Dragon Age and doing homework. Trust me, the standard for what passes as "social" isn't as high as you think.

Advice from the artist formerly known as Krylo

This man is your prophet.


But seriously. Relax. Just get used to meeting people. Get used to being able to carry a conversation with people you don't know, hell even people you have nothing in common with. Then you meet girls. Make friends. Make friends with their hot friends. Make friends with their hot friends. Then when they "mysteriously" go to get pizza, leaving you alone with the "dorky" girl in the crowd, you leap upon her like a lion and you [REDACTED] until she [REDACTED] then light a cigarette and act like it was no big deal that you just [REDACTED]

BOOM.

[Krylo]

You don't pick chicks up at church, you just don't.

Well maybe YOU don't.

Also:
http://www.nuklearforums.com/image.php?u=56&dateline=1297912792
http://www.nuklearforums.com/image.php?u=8580&dateline=1297914002

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[Solid Snake]

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I convinced Bobbey to do that, in Nikose's sponsored "let's get everyone Goofy Movie avatars because that shit was awesome" spree. Although I did try to convince her to take Stacey first. Nonetheless, there's no hidden subtext there.
Also she is in a serious relationship.
The thought is pleasant, though! Well, pleasant for me, at least.

I will now proceed to dodge Bobbey's incoming attack.

[Krylo]

Nonetheless, there's no hidden subtext there.Says you!
Also she is in a serious relationship. Well that's never stopped me. Don't see why it should stop you.
The thought is pleasant, though! Well, pleasant for me, at least. Also, free additional tip, save admitting to THIS kind of thing until after the third date. At least.

[Solid Snake]

Also, free additional tip, save admitting to THIS kind of thing until after the third date. At least.

I know Bobbey well enough to know she won't be offended, surprised, or even remotely flustered by anything I typed. =P
I'm not that stupid, believe it or not.

[rpgdemon]

...I do believe that there is a subtle but notable difference between "nice guys" who are doing it as an act to try to impress women, and nice guys who are actually, honestly, upstanding gentleman and treat men and women of different races and ages and appearances just about the same.

...I consider myself to be in the latter category.
Also, I don't blame my failures with women on the notion that I am "too nice." To the contrary, I don't think my "niceness" has anything to do with it, and in fact, it probably helps me more than it hurts me.
...It's the fact that I'm so damned shy and incapable of communicating verbally with confidence, that is the problem.

Unrelated: I'm convinced that the thing about being a nice guy isn't that it leads you to be seen as not-datable to women, I think, but that your advances come across as, "Well, he's just a nice guy".


Also, don't take yourself so seriously, again. You and I both, apparently, will make morons of ourselves in conversation. The difference between us is that I've actively embraced that fact, and really don't care. I'll do/say what I want, and make a fool of myself, and enjoy every minute of it. Has this helped me with the ladies? I don't know, but it has helped me get free groceries from the ladies. The ladies who I was talking to in line, and somehow talked into buying half of my groceries for me.

To be fair, I immediately felt bad and paid her back. But, by not really caring if you look silly/weird, you open yourself up a lot more to be in situations like that.


Unrelated again: Shouldn't this thread more accurately be called, "The Solid Snake is a Nonfucking Failure at Life Thread"?

[Token]

Unrelated again: Shouldn't this thread more accurately be called, "The Solid Snake is a Nonfucking Failure at Life Thread"?

I was thinking "The Solid Snake is a Furiously Masturbating Failure at Life Thread." And dude, you aren't nearly as bad as you're trying to make yourself out to be. Like RPG said, don't worry about making a fool of yourself. People started liking me a lot more once I stopped holding back my sense of humor.

[Solid Snake]

Unrelated: I'm convinced that the thing about being a nice guy isn't that it leads you to be seen as not-datable to women, I think, but that your advances come across as, "Well, he's just a nice guy".


...Maybe it's just getting late tonight but I've read that sentence several times over and I still can't quite fathom what you mean by it.

[Krylo]

Just ignore it, Snake. It's easier that way with him.

[Doc ock rokc]

He means that when you project that your a Nice guy, Prospective girlfriends just think your trying to be a nice guy when your hitting on them/trying to ask them out.

Meaning that they can't think of you as anything other then a Best friend that they know or a kind gentleman.

Essentially what I suffer from.

[Kim]

Reason number seventy billion that being gay rules.

[Krylo]

Reason number seventy billion that being gay rules.

On the other hand: No tits or vagina.

[Kim]

To quote: "Breasts are vastly overrated."

[Krylo]

To quote: "Breasts are vastly overrated."

That's a dirty goddamn lie.

[rpgdemon]

He means that when you project that your a Nice guy, Prospective girlfriends just think your trying to be a nice guy when your hitting on them/trying to ask them out.

Meaning that they can't think of you as anything other then a Best friend that they know or a kind gentleman.

Essentially what I suffer from.

See, this guy has my back.

[Kim]

That's a dirty goddamn lie.

Are you implying an Australian would lie to me?

[Krylo]

Are you implying an Australian would lie to me?

They're all thieves, liars, and killers. Obviously S/He would lie to you.

[rpgdemon]

Are you implying an Australian would lie to me?

Australia is entirely peopled by criminals.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQNHBUqfLnM

[Kim]

And you're saying I should trust the person with the Vriska avatar instead?

[Krylo]

And you're saying I should trust the person with the Vriska avatar instead?

I have all the honesty.

All of it.

[rpgdemon]

And you're saying I should trust the person with the Vriska avatar instead?

Since when has following Vriska's advice ever lead to anything ending poorly?

[Archbio]

Computing...

Conclusion: The interview was at The Department of Philosophy of a local university.

[katiuska]

I honestly thought it was nice of her in retrospect, and I was a jerk for not being receptive to what she was doing. I think many women -- even moreso here in the District than in other places I've lived -- want the man to take the initiative, and so the extent of their "being forward" or "assertive" in their interest is being subtle and manipulative in contriving circumstances to provoke the man to realize she's there and take charge.

At least that's how I've largely perceived the atmosphere here. It's how it's happened before. And I certainly appreciate those kinds of gestures, even if only in retrospect, compared to others who are just silent or exceptionally passive. At least this way after the fact I'd actually realize there was an interest there.

Of course I'd certainly selfishly prefer to meet a woman who actually walked straight up to me, started a conversation, told me she was interested and asked me on a date. Although those women likely only exist either in my imagination or in my worst nightmares (see September of last year.)

Sadly, I've noticed there's a definite gender trend among people with social anxiety, with most of the guys having solid friends but being hopeless at dates and most of the girls having SOs but no other social support. Even in this day and age, guys are still largely expected to make the move. On that note...

He means that when you project that your a Nice guy, Prospective girlfriends just think your trying to be a nice guy when your hitting on them/trying to ask them out.

...Right. I don't know if this is a gender thing or just something about the way I come across, but one thing that's discouraged me from seeking out friendships--at least with dudes--is that my being friendly is almost always interpreted as "I want to sleep with you."

(That's not a brag, by the way; more often than not the guy was clearly disinterested in the advance I wasn't making. Somehow it's worse to be rejected by someone you weren't even hitting on.)

I am pretty pants shittingly terrified of strangers, period.
People I do not know, of all shapes and stripes.
I hate the whole small talk thing. Hate it. I hate the spontaneity thing. It's easy for me in the context of a job interview or some sort of event in which there's artificial and formal structure provided. But I cannot be spontaneous. I literally spaz out in nervousness trying to think of what to say and how best to say it. And that's almost as true with men as it is with attractive women. I only complain about the attractive women because I have plenty of close platonic friends, and I don't have a date.

I've been through phases in my life where I didn't care at all about dating or relationships and...sure enough, I never went out on dates or engaged in relationships.
That kind of attitude is dangerous for me because if I want to concentrate my life solely on intellectual pursuits and if I don't set lofty social goals for myself and find reasons (such as attracting ladies) to force me out of my comfort zone, I'm introspective, dorky, and obsessive enough when it comes to my hobbies to do so. Not to mention quite busy with law school requirements.

And then I'll snap out of it and realize I wasted two weeks of free time writing stories on NPF or playing videogames or doing something with no social value. I have to almost force myself to budget the time, and give myself a reason for doing so, or it just doesn't happen.

The best small talk technique I've found is to latch on to something that might represent the other person's interests, such as the Kant book or a button on their backpack or whatnot. Most people are delighted enough at the chance to talk about whatever moves them that it can get a conversation rolling without much effort on your end.

It sounds like you might have the same problem I have, though, where I'm content, or at least occupied, enough of the time that I often can't be bothered to apply what I've learned. It really is important to work at it even when you aren't feeling it.

[Kim]

I have all the honesty.

All of it.

If you have all the honesty, you clearly wouldn't lie to me about having it!

[Solid Snake]

While I have immensely enjoyed this thread and found it quite humorous to reflect on my occasional bouts with stupidity, I have to apologize for purposely amplifying the self-deprecating melodrama in an attempt to garner empathy or, perhaps, pity. No one loves to insult me more than myself, and you all have been quite gracious in listening to me rant and rave about all my problems as if you were my paid psychologists when, in fact, you should have very little reason to care for my inability to handle certain elements of basic social interaction.

In retrospect this was probably a poor idea, insofar as it has only (albeit inadvertently, and in the most hysterical manner possible, and in a manner I could not fault any of you for) reinforced negative stereotypes I have about myself and my abilities, which in turn will only further aggravate the problem.

But, thanks for cheering me up. I guess it's nice to remind myself that I'm not the only one who's suffered moments of slip-ups like these. I'm very glad to consider many of you friends (or at least, good acquaintances) and I'm sorry that I haven't always been as credible or likable as I could be and I haven't lived up to any feasible standard of personal integrity or self-respect.

[Krylo]

I got to compare my dick to Armour Hotdogs. This thread is ok by me.

[Premmy]

Wow man you've gotten a lot better at writing good posts man good for-

whelp

Dude,
chatting with people on MSN like Nikose.

How is this:
some moron was bothering you on MSN,
Not a completely excellent post?

[Krylo]

It totally was, Premmy.

I especially liked the call back to Robin's brother.

Aldurin is like one million monkeys on typewriters: you get a lot of crap, but eventually fucking Shakespeare comes out.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

New plan: Get hypno-eyes.

Edit: Also jeans are pretty acceptable if she was hitting some kind of academia interview as reading on Kant would suggest.

[Si Civa]

About nice guys I could say that couple women, who had dated assholes after assholes, are now happily in relationship with nice guys and one even thought that nice guys were better at sex than jerks because nice guys tend to to think other too.

So Solid Snake, you still have hope, because there's large amount of desperated women looking for a nice guy who might be you! Though they may think that you're already in relationship because you're such a nice guy.

And like some others in here, I'm probably even more unlucky with women than you, but like, you know, the best boost to my coidience ever is that one of my best friends said she had once crush on me. And now when you think that one girl seemed to have crush on you, well, isn't that something positive, eh? So stop being emo for fuck's sake, you're better than that.

[krogothwolf]

I think Snake should just get himself a prostitute and then take out all that pent up sexual frustration on her so he doesn't get cockblocked into inactivity the next time a cute girl talks to him.

[Bobbey]

Aww, I go to bed and miss out on the thread exploding. Gah.

I convinced Bobbey to do that, in Nikose's sponsored "let's get everyone Goofy Movie avatars because that shit was awesome" spree. Although I did try to convince her to take Stacey first. Nonetheless, there's no hidden subtext there.
Also she is in a serious relationship.
The thought is pleasant, though! Well, pleasant for me, at least.

I will now proceed to dodge Bobbey's incoming attack.

*Throws blue shell from Mariokart at you* See if you can dodge THAT!

But in all seriousness, what he says above is all true. I checked Stacy but wasn't convinced she would represent me well, and since there are no female saxophone characters in the film, I went with Roxanne instead.

I know Bobbey well enough to know she won't be offended, surprised, or even remotely flustered by anything I typed. =P
I'm not that stupid, believe it or not.

Again, he's right. I'm definately not the type of person of who would get mad/pissed/offended by a comment like that, and I know that this thread is all in good fun and for some good laughs (as in amusing laughs, not I'm laughing at you laughs). It takes a lot more than this to get me angry.

Last edited by Krylo; Today at 01:22 AM. Reason: I'm just funnin, Bobbey. If it's too far I can edit mah titles.

I make innuendoes like those very frequently, so I have no problem with you keeping that title that way Krylo;)

[krogothwolf]

Again, he's right. I'm definately not the type of person of who would get mad/pissed/offended by a comment like that, and I know that this thread is all in good fun and for some good laughs (as in amusing laughs, not I'm laughing at you laughs). It takes a lot more than this to get me angry.


But I thought we were all laughing at Solid.

[Seil]

I think Snake should just get himself a prostitute and then take out all that pent up sexual frustration on her so he doesn't get cockblocked into inactivity the next time a cute girl talks to him.

http://questionablecontent.net/comics/551.png

[synkr0nized]

I dislike that artwork. I will now declare that comic is bad.

[Kim]

I hate that shirt because there is no /dick> on it...

[MuMu]

Maybe there's another shirt with /dick> on it, so you and your bestest buddy can play with them.

[Nikose Tyris]

I hate that shirt because there is no /dick> on it...

It is an endless dick. It is infinite dick, as there is no close on the tag.

How can you not like this.

[rpgdemon]

It is an endless dick. It is infinite dick, as there is no close on the tag.

How can you not like this.

No no no. It would be endless if there was no < after it.

As it is now, it's probably just going to eat a huge chunk of your page until the next tag's ">", and you'll be all, "OH CRAP I NEVER CLOSED THAT ANGLE BRACKET". It's especially fun with quotes, in links.

[Kim]

The shirt should really read <dick/>

[synkr0nized]

The incorrect use of tags, as I cannot yet think of what else was intended, on the shirt just fuels my hatred of this comic. You can see in a previous one that there's nothing on the back of the shirt, so it's definitely missing the closing tag. ARGG HTML DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, you stupid bitch!

[pochercoaster]

Looks like I'm a bit late to the thread and skipped a bunch of posts out of laziness but regardless: She was reading Kant, totally not worth it. That's better than Rand though.

Seriously, though: You have to stop worrying that others are judging you, because most people don't give a rat's ass, to put it bluntly. The majority of people you come in to contact with will only see you once. Most people are absorbed in themselves/something else and will barely notice you unless you're causing some kind of scene. If you keep worrying you won't be able to relax and if you can't relax your social skills will go nowhere.

The only way to fix it is to actively engage in social interaction. It will suck really badly at first but the more you do it the better you'll get and one day you'll realize "Hey, I don't feel like a horribly awkward failure that analyzes every fleeting social interaction to the point of meaninglessness and despair!" A lot of people go through this but don't talk about it. Well, mainly because it's one of those things you're supposed to "figure out" on your own.

Also, try not to think of women as any different from men... They are human beings and, for all intents and purposes, 99% of their behaviour is variable and not gender specific.

Additionally, don't approach every interaction with an attractive woman as a means to a date. That is, don't think about the end result, just focus on trying to carry on a conversation and "act" relaxed/natural. And engage in social interaction with many different people, not just girls you'd like to take out.

I've felt like you do right now, although it was quite awhile ago in grades 9-10. I used to worry that I would never learn how to integrate into society or get a job or get a boyfriend because I was so painfully shy and placed WAY too much emphasis on what others thought of me. Although it sounds like an exaggeration I was absolutely convinced I was going to die alone and pretty much feared any kind of social interaction, even just going to a bank teller or handing money to a cashier.

I learned to get over myself when I got my first job, which was very customer-service oriented. The first month or so was actually an extremely horrible experience because I was suddenly thrust into an environment where I had to deal with a bunch of people, most of whom were nice, but many of which were angry scary people who would yell at me if we were out of strawberry shortcake or whatever. I seriously thought about quitting because at the time it all felt somewhat traumatizing.

After awhile I learned how to make somewhat sincere looking smiles and greet people good morning. The sheer repetition of it has made it second nature. Yeah, a lot of it is fake (most people don't like small talk but it's just something you need to learn how to do) and my mind might be secretly wandering to more interesting topics, but there is nothing deceitful or wrong about learning to appear personable. It is merely a skill that most people develop at some point or another. There are times when you genuinely mean it, of course- but the important thing is you get practice ELSEWHERE first, or when you HAVE to/want to say something important (such as asking a girl out) you won't be able to because you don't know how.

The longer you wait the harder it'll be because the amount of practice and time you put into it will make a difference. Your situation sounds like it might be a bit more difficult because you have a lot of schoolwork. Maybe if you have free time you should join some club/group with a common interest. Yeah, it's very over-used hokey advice BUT you will still be interacting with strangers and you will have the added comfort of an easily relatable interest, so it's a start. Or get a customer service job. Or go back in time and set off a chain of events that ensures you're born with an older sister, since opposite sex siblings have an edge.

Maybe I'm not as good with dispensing practical advice but hopefully you feel a little more confident knowing that this is totally not something you're suffering from alone and it is possible to improve.

[Fifthfiend]

I will now declare that comic is bad.

Hastily, and yet, correctly judged.

[BloodyMage]

Ironically, I used to talk far more frequently with women back when I was very conservative and involved in my evangelical church group -- back, in other words, when the women wouldn't have been interested in me anyway.

Late to the party, and not to detract from this interesting tags discussion, but I don't know what you're basing this on. All the girls at my church are at least interested in getting married before they're like 24 or 25, if not actively looking. The Bible college is nicknamed bridal college because so many of the Christian women go there solely to find a husband. There's no reason that they wouldn't be interested in you.

[Krylo]

I make innuendoes like those very frequently, so I have no problem with you keeping that title that way Krylo;)

I figured if you could stomach Nikose it wouldn't be a problem, but better safe than sorry.

[Darth SS]

Late to the party, and not to detract from this interesting tags discussion, but I don't know what you're basing this on. All the girls at my church are at least interested in getting married before they're like 24 or 25, if not actively looking. The Bible college is nicknamed bridal college because so many of the Christian women go there solely to find a husband. There's no reason that they wouldn't be interested in you.

Yeah, I have a friend who met a girl at a bible college at the age of 19 and is now 21 and married to her.

She told him to stop hanging out with me and my friends because we were "Bad influences" and only wanted to "tempt him."

[Krylo]

She told him to stop hanging out with me and my friends because we were "Bad influences" and only wanted to "tempt him."

Well, to be fair...

[Darth SS]

Well, to be fair...

Thanks buddy.

But seriously, she got all bent out of shape when I asked him to play on my hockey team. She then got more bent out of shape when I dared to ask him if he wanted to go out for a beer with the boys after a game.

[BloodyMage]

I never said some of them weren't crazy.

[Solid Snake]

Update number two

I am a failure that deserves to die

More details when I am not typing on an iPhone

Let us just say

Please kill me noW

It would be a service

Tothe human race

[Solid Snake]

Seriously

I am sick and tired of disappointing everyone

Particularly family members and close friends

I have failed those who care for me

I have failed myself

Truth be told there is something inconsolably wrong with me

Some facet of my neurons o that fails to launch

That I am incaPable of basic human ijteraction

That people who know me do not like me enough

That no one could like me enough

I am so sOrry

So sorry that I have failed myself and you all

And so sorry you swill believe I am subhuman for typing this

If only I was stronger

If only I was not a giant Fu Kip

If only Jose didn't treat me like shit and these people too

But
Honestly
I deserve it all
I do
I do

[Kim]

I know you'll disagree, but I have a hard time thinking you aren't overreacting. I guess we'll find out later.

[Solid Snake]

Haha, of course i am overreacting. I am always overreacting aren.'t I.? It should be expected that I just tolerate life's unceasing bullshit or even find some joy in the incredible expectations and lack of friendly interaction or intimacy offered to me through the process. I am a fuckin robot and should be treated as siuch; do weeks of work for Maryland yeessir, type 100 pages a notes pet class yessir, do so with no expectation or hope gfpr the future yessir? Never find even temporary happiness with another yeasir, because I have these shitface moral values that ate really religious vonstraits preventing me from knowing what happiness is. That is fun. Yes do much fun.

Jose toyed with my heart because she could. What easier victim than dome nameless American faroff eho writes sweet things because he foolishly believes she is special and different and would not take advantage of his sweet words? And people tonight see me just as some random brother not as a person. They treat me just well enough to believe a miracle is possible but none is.

Law s cghool has me in serious debt, without friends, without a social life, too much work, no economic improvement, no one who truly knows me. I am arabs to everyone's end but my own. I give my heart to anyone who listens and am shocked when it is sto
Stomped on. I deserve to be lonely and miserable as I have always been. And I deserve to have lost my keys and my jacket and everything else I will lose.

Even now I am burdening others with my pain. So pathetic. Bit it has been this way for 26 years now. It is stupid.

[Krylo]

Snake... are you drinking to cope right now?

[Solid Snake]

Should I be?

[Krylo]

With typing like that, you are either drinking or crying too hard to type.

I'm not sure which I'm hoping for.

[Solid Snake]

Drunk yes. Crying no not yet anyway. Sleeping in a public place. Crying is not an option here.
Typing on crappy new iPhone with touch keyboard has impacted grammar and spelling. I do not have my computer here.

[Kim]

Are... are you in prison?

[Solid Snake]

Should probably get sleep but I am not tired. Too miserable to feel comfortable on this sleeping bag.

[Krylo]

Snake... why are you drunk in public sleeping on a sleeping bag?

[Azisien]

Also pictures. It's an iPhone apparently so don't bullshit us.

[Krylo]

Also, isn't Jose a dude name?

[The SSB Intern]

Josie, maybe?

[Krylo]

@nonsie: Aw, come on. That's just kinda mean.

At least wait until he's over whatever crisis to make fun of it.

And I'm still curious as to what the crisis is. Sleeping in public on a bag peaks my curiousity.

I'm guessing this Jose lady found herself a new boyfriend and blew off Snake (happens, it's shitty but it happens, especially on long distance relationships). Which explains the drunkeness. What it doesn't explain is the sleeping in public and using his iphone to post.

Edit@SSB's theory as to the lady's name: Well, the social life of a world traveling cat based super star can be quite tumultuous. This was bound to happen.

[Kim]

@nonsie: Aw, come on. That's just kinda mean.

At least wait until he's over whatever crisis to make fun of it.

aw fine

I'm guessing this Jose lady found herself a new boyfriend and blew off Snake (happens, it's shitty but it happens, especially on long distance relationships).

I'm figuring this is probably what it is. Seems pretty typical of the response I've seen from others in similar instances.

[Krylo]

The typical response is to get drunk, grab a sleeping bag, talk about how they've failed all their friends, and pass out in a park?

Edit: I mean, I get the get drunk part, but the rest of that does not follow.

[Kim]

I meant more a specific part of Snake's posts. I'm getting the impression that Snake's sleeping-bagness in a public area is largely unrelated to the current crisis, and the "failed all their friends" bit is more just a Snake thing.

[The SSB Intern]

I dunno, I can totally see myself getting behind this trend.

[Krylo]

I meant more a specific part of Snake's posts. I'm getting the impression that Snake's sleeping-bagness in a public area is largely unrelated to the current crisis, and the "failed all their friends" bit is more just a Snake thing.

It almost seems to me like there is two or more congruent crises* involved.

*It is shameful how long it took me to figure out how to properly pluralize crisis.

[Kim]

I dunno. The "failed all their friends" bit seems a very Snake thing for him to bring up and think whenever he's having a crisis. I could be wrong, but I think that a single crisis is enough for him to dredge up thoughts on how he's supposedly a great disappointment to everyone around him. In his mind, he failed in one respect this evening, so he'll file that into more support for his personal view of himself and his life, and then it becomes about more than the single crisis he's having.

[Meister]

There's also the potential "get your iPhone stolen because you passed out under a bridge" crisis which may or may not enter the picture any minute.

Also the html shirt thing is a parody of the Jesus/Darwin/whatever fish done in type and y'all are gigantic nerds :crossarms:

[Kim]

Also the html shirt thing is a parody of the Jesus/Darwin/whatever fish done in type and y'all are gigantic nerds :crossarms:

Better shirt:

<img src="dicks.png" />

[Krylo]

I dunno. The "failed all their friends" bit seems a very Snake thing for him to bring up and think whenever he's having a crisis.
Well he's certainly failing me by passing out under a bridge instead of telling me where he's passing out right now.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Drunk yes. Crying no not yet anyway. Sleeping in a public place. Crying is not an option here.
Typing on crappy new iPhone with touch keyboard has impacted grammar and spelling. I do not have my computer here.

Ok I know this thread is supposed to be "Srs Bsnes" but did anyone else hear Mordin Solus from ME2s voice when reading that bit?

Also I really doubt this is as bad as Snake is making it sound. After the underwhelmingness of the first story I'm prepared for much overreacting.

[Krylo]

Until I hear otherwise, I am going to assume his internet girlfriend dumped him, which caused him to drink himself stupid and destroy his term paper, thus causing him to fail law school, and get kicked out of his dorm, and now he is camping under a bridge with a garbage bag full of his belongings, a sleeping bag, a bottle of jack daniels that he bought with the last of his money, and his iPhone.

It's the best story.

Well, other than getting drunk, destroying a bunch of public property and getting thrown in jail, but I'm pretty sure they don't let you keep your iPhone in jail. Or give you sleeping bags.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

ON reevaluating his life after his gf dumped him and he destroyed his term paper- fuelled by a copious drinking session- he decided to join the circus as a clown, having decided the universe had well provided for him in this department. However the "circus" he joined was a bunch of travelling gypsies who got him even more drunk, stole his shoes and left him three cities over. Lucky being a superstitious lot they were scared off by the magical abilities of his Iphone before they could throw him in the river.
Applying his courtroom gravitas and improvisational thinking he has quickly risen the ranks of the hobo fraternity, bartering goods in exchange for his ability to get them out of jail and prevent police harassment, quickly obtaining a sleeping bag and the best spots to sneakily power his phone. He's 4 public urination charges from trading for a place in the back of an illegant immigrant smuggling truck which will take him all the way back home.

[Krylo]

I changed my mind.

THAT is the best story.

[Aldurin]

Snake, are you okay? I just see this thread explodes and that you're flipping out from your iphone on page 3.

If you're still drinking get somebody to slap you sober, then respond.

[synkr0nized]

Snake, when you see this again: Go seek professional help. Having a string of threads [and posts within them] full of self-hatred and doubt is, to me, a sign of something potentially great enough to warrant a look at therapy or something similar.

Typing a bunch of paragraphs and drunken phone-ramblings to the Internet isn't going to help you.


That said, this is "advice" coming from someone over the Interbutt, so feel free to ignore it.

[CelesJessa]

The typical response is to get drunk, grab a sleeping bag, talk about how they've failed all their friends, and pass out in a park?

Edit: I mean, I get the get drunk part, but the rest of that does not follow.

Just wanted to point out to possibly satisfy Krylo's curiosity:

And I deserve to have lost my keys and my jacket and everything else I will lose.

I'm thinking he locked himself out of his house/apartment/room.


On a serious note, I agree with Synk.

[rpgdemon]

Snake, seriously, go get help. Talk to a psychologist, see what they can tell you, and more forward from there.

And everyone else, seriously, cut the crap.

Edit: To expound, depression might not be as "interesting" as you want it to be, but it hurts a ton and is a serious thing to deal with, and you might consider treating it as such, instead of flippantly dismissing someone for it. Especially someone who you'd consider a friend, and who came here for help.

[Token]

I'm with RPG and Synk on this one. Come on guys, this isn't the first thread like this he's made, and from what we saw last night, taking the piss out of him isn't what he needs right now.

Bryan, dude, chill. Let's be honest here, you're nowhere near as bad as you make yourself out to be, and you can expect one of my patented angry rants the next time you're on facebook. Until then, get sorted, drink some coffee and greasy food, find a way to get back into your place, slam a motherfuckin' faygo, and find someone to talk to.

[Solid Snake]

Just starting to get my act together, with a massive hangover and all: I've gotten several new PMs to respond to, not to mention all your comments in this thread, so give me some time, I'll hammer stuff out.

Short summary now, just to diffuse at least some of your concerns: Things were not, in fact, nearly as bad as the worst-case scenarios may of you conjured, though admittingly most of you knew that already and it's not as if the tone of my drunken ramblings helped matters. About half of my melodramatic whining was really just the alcohol talking, and holds no bearing to my present situation. Nonetheless, I am undoubtedly suffering signs of a depression in response to recent events. Insofar as I am already taking periodic anti-anxiety medication and already seeing a psychiatrist I am not sure what more I can or should do, but I haven't seen my psych since a lot of shit happened, so next time we cross paths I'll be sure to talk about it and see what needs to be done.

Hopefully this at least alleviates some of your concerns.

Oh, and: I was sleeping in a sleeping bag in a "public place" because I and several others were staying over at my sister's place. "Public place" was a bad choice of words, but I was drunk at the time: it was "public" only insofar as I was "sleeping" in the same room as several acquaintances. I had no access to my computer because I didn't bring it. The jacket and the keys were lost in an incident utterly unrelated to the two distinct recent events that had me depressed.

And I'm sorry for publicizing this shit; I wouldn't have done so, or at least not in that vague and exaggerated way, when sober.

If you think less of me for all this, I really wouldn't blame you.

[rpgdemon]

I don't really think less of you for it, I'm just glad that you're alright, relatively speaking. I'm pretty sure most people would feel the same way.

[Kim]

I know you'll disagree, but I have a hard time thinking you aren't overreacting. I guess we'll find out later.

.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Personally I'd rather have you publicizing it rather than bottling it up and only cluing us on to a problem when we see you on the news dead in a ditch somewhere. At least this way we can try to help.

I'm glad you're doing better now. Some of the places my mind went imagining what the problem was were not pretty.

[POS Industries]

Oh, and: I was sleeping in a sleeping bag in a "public place" because I and several others were staying over at my sister's place. "Public place" was a bad choice of words, but I was drunk at the time: it was "public" only insofar as I was "sleeping" in the same room as several acquaintances. I had no access to my computer because I didn't bring it.
Do you understand how many people you seriously had worried about you over that? I mean, yeah, you were drunkposting and, yes, you know you were being all melodramatic as balls, but seriously, this was a pretty godawful thing for you to put people who really do care about you through. It's not quite at the level of jackass who lied about being in the middle of a school shooting or dickhole that lied about being half dead in a Russian hospital but I'd be lying if I didn't at least say it was vaguely reminiscent.

That's between you and whoever might have been potentially trying to put together a search party for your frozen, mugged-for-his-iphone corpse, of course, but I really hope you get the effect that these things can have on the people who consider themselves your friends.

And I'm sorry for publicizing this shit; I wouldn't have done so, or at least not in that vague and exaggerated way, when sober.
Then my suggestion is, first, refrain from drunkposting and, second, maybe try to make less of these threads. Or none. The last thing that's going to help you is a pity party.

And with that, I think it's best I close this thread. I'm sure you've got lots of PMs from concerned folks to tend to, so there's really no point in continuing the big public display.