Critique my appeal plzkthx!

[Gregness]

So, those of you keeping up with the helpstraveganza thread may remember that I'm in a bit of a bind regarding my ability to afford school this semester. Long story short, my discounted tuition status apparantly has a time limit on it, and that limit has expired. I've written a draft of an appeal that I want to send to the appeals coordinator fellow and I'd like to hear y'alls thoughts on it.

Proper nouns have been replaced to protect the innocent.

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Hello Mr. CONFIDENTIAL,

My name is CENSORED and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to MYSCHOOL in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major and after two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008 and, ultimately, to Computer Science & Engineering when the degree was opened last year. A change as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four year curriculum to work through and this coming fall semester is my ninth at SCHOOLNAMEAGAIN. My current projected graduation date is december 2012 but considering that my financial aid was calculated at the WUE tuition level and that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford to attend.

I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan.

Thank you very much for your time.

TOTALLYMYNAME
ID #: LOLNOTONTHEINTERNET

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So, a few relevant things: I had a meatspace buddy of mine take a look at this already and he's suggested I add a bit about being determined to finish according to schedule so that they're sure I'm not just wasting my time but I'm not exactly sure how to put it that won't be redundant with what's there. Also, I'm pretty sure the school's policy regarding this WUE tuition thing has changed since I was admitted because when I checked the current version of the policy they don't even accept transfer students into the program these days. This makes me think that the time limit might be a new thing too, but I'm not sure if that gives me any leverage.

Anyways, thanks for your time guys and I'd value any (constructive) input you've got.

[Satan's Onion]

Let me polish up the grammar 'n' stuff a bit, breaking up some run-ons and possibly adding the odd word or two (you'll know the additions 'cos they're italicized). Even little things like that can make a significant difference in how your appeal is treated.



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Hello Mr. CONFIDENTIAL,

My name is CENSORED and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I initially transferred to MYSCHOOL in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major. After two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008; when the degree was opened last year, I finally transferred to Computer Science & Engineering. A change as drastic as this--from a music major to engineering--meant that I had almost an entirely new four-year curriculum to work through complete. This coming fall semester is my ninth at SCHOOLNAMEAGAIN; my current projected graduation date is December 2012. but However, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford to attend continued attendance at YERSCHOOL, considering that as my financial aid, was initially calculated at the WUE tuition level, and has been readjusted so that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, which I cannot afford to pay .

I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I am determined to complete my course of study on schedule. I respectfully ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan.

Thank you very much for your time.

TOTALLYMYNAME
ID #: LOLNOTONTHEINTERNET

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[Bells]

for things like this i (personally) feel best to prepare for the worst and scale down from that into something realistic. So, i read your draft as the biggest asshole possible, imagine what would would the line of thought be in this case... here is what i came up with:

"So you want us to expand your special condition of a discounted tuition, just cause you've been flip floppin between your majors? How can we know that next year you won't change your mind again if we don't even know why you change it this time?"

It's harsh, i know, but if you can solve this, you can solve anything.

So...To ask for a discount is pretty much the same as asking for money. Maybe you should slide in something about how this is your final position and this is what you really want, or maybe bring some light as to why such a drastic change came to be in the first place.

Y'know... at least let them know that you really want to finish this course, don't let it get distorted into making it seem like you just want a "break" from the tuition costs.

[shiney]

Dear Mr. To Whom it May Concern:

Convincing words!!

Sinceriously,

Greg

P.S. I know your daughter's school schedule

(You put this in general so you don't get 100% serious responses!)

[akaSM]

Maybe you should slide in something about how this is your final position and this is what you really want, or maybe bring some light as to why such a drastic change came to be in the first place.

Y'know... at least let them know that you really want to finish this course, don't let it get distorted into making it seem like you just want a "break" from the tuition costs.

This, also, if you have good grades and stuff, maybe talking about them would be a good idea.

[Gregness]

Dear Mr. To Whom it May Concern:

Convincing words!!

Sinceriously,

Greg

P.S. I know your daughter's school schedule

(You put this in general so you don't get 100% serious responses!)

P.P.S. I also know her sleep schedule.

Seriously though, I wasn't sure whether this would be better in the writing/art forum, but I figured it'd get more traffic here so whatevs. Hilarity at my expense is okay too.

@Satan's Onion: I was originally gonna say something about how the word choice at the point where you suggest I write "cannot afford to pay" might not be entirely accurate. I just did some math and if I take every loan I'm being offered, even the unsubsidized ones, that still leaves me having to pay hundreds out of pocket and that's not even getting into the fact that I've got no money to actually pay rent with. If I had a job right now I might be able to swing it, but loleconomy. not to mention that holding down a job while doing a full time engineering curriculum is not a recipe for the kind of grades I want. TLDR: maybe your version is accurate after all....

[Krylo]

Uninspired, cliche. The same appeal I've seen thousands of times before. There was no pathos, no human connection.

One star out of five.

[Gregness]

Okay, taking in to account some of Onion's suggestions, draft two looks something like:

----------------


Hello Mr. PRIVATE,

My name is DERP and I am a Computer Science & Engineering major who, until this semester, held Western Undergraduate Exchange tuition status. I transferred to HIGHEREDUCATION in Fall 2007 as a jazz performance major. After two semesters I decided to change to Computer & Information Engineering in Fall 2008; when the degree was opened last year, I finally transferred to Computer Science & Engineering. A change of major as drastic as music to engineering meant that I had almost an entirely new four-year curriculum to complete. This coming fall semester is my ninth at DASCHOOL; my current projected graduation date is december 2012. However, I strongly doubt that I will be able to afford continued attendance at PLACE because my financial aid, originally calculated at the WUE tuition level, has been readjusted so that I'm now being charged the full out of state tuition, which I cannot afford to pay.

I have registered a plan of study with the financial aid office and I am determined to complete my course of study on schedule. I ask that you consider renewing my WUE tuition status through the completion of this plan.

Thank you very much for your time.

MYNAME
ID #: CONFIDENTIAL

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This is mostly a stylistic thing I guess, but constructions like "I initially transferred", and "I respectfully ask" seem sort of superfluous to me. My composition professors would always tell me to read a sentence with and without a word and if the meaning carried in both cases you leave it out. Also, I don't have much experience with this sort of thing, but the --aside-- isn't something I've seen too often. Is it used in professional correspondance much? Anyway, I wasn't sure so I came up with another version that hopefully wouldn't need it.

Oh, speaking of redundancy, the third sentence there ("After two semesters ... in Fall 2008) the time reference seems redundant but I'm not sure whether the first or second should be the one to take a hike.

Anways, thanks for comments guys (and the lulz).

[Meister]

Darling Fascist Bullyboy,

Give me some more money, you bastard.

May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman,
Neil

[Satan's Onion]

It looks like it works to me! I do have a tendency to fancypants it up in my more formal writing, so it's good to find ways to say the same thing without sounding like you (and by "you" I mean I) just finished a Frasier marathon.

[Nique]

I recommend trying to be a tad more aggressive in justifying why you need/ deserve the financial aid. Is there a concern you will not be able to pay back the existing debt?

[katiuska]

It's more like he couldn't even meet his current needs, from the sound of it (in addition to racking up more debt as an out-of-state student, but that's a less immediate concern than eating and stuff).

@Satan's Onion: I was originally gonna say something about how the word choice at the point where you suggest I write "cannot afford to pay" might not be entirely accurate. I just did some math and if I take every loan I'm being offered, even the unsubsidized ones, that still leaves me having to pay hundreds out of pocket and that's not even getting into the fact that I've got no money to actually pay rent with. If I had a job right now I might be able to swing it, but loleconomy. not to mention that holding down a job while doing a full time engineering curriculum is not a recipe for the kind of grades I want. TLDR: maybe your version is accurate after all....

Like, I don't know if this is universal, but in my experience they offer about 2/3 of your total estimated financial need for the year in federal loans. I'm not sure how they think you'll cover the difference, but that's your problem, I guess.

[shiney]

Lay it on real thick. You were diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, gout, a bladder infection, Crohn's Disease, cancer of the epiglottis and leprosy all in the same day.

Twice!

[Gregness]

Hey guys, thanks for all the help!

-------------

MAHNAME,

Your request is approved thru spring 2012.

HISNAME
Appeals Coordinator

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I believe the technical term is fucking WIN!

[Fenris]

Excellent! Happy for you, Greg!

[akaSM]

You used Meister's appeal, right? That one was the most convincing one. It's nice to see your appeal worked.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Good shit. Now to spend all your money on booze and cigarettes like a proper student.

[Osterbaum]

Your request is approved thru spring 2012.
*through

[Gregness]

Yeah, that was in the response he gave me. Perhaps I didn't need to worry so much about my run-ons...

[Satan's Onion]

First thing first: Woooooo!
:dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance:

Yeah, that was in the response he gave me. Perhaps I didn't need to worry so much about my run-ons...

Maybe...but on the other hand, I figure writing an appeal like that is like showing up to a court hearing, or a job interview: You (represented, in this case, by your text) want to look your best, and the little details matter.

I bet that for each appeal that dude gets that looks like yours, he gets half a dozen that are the grammatical equivalent of turning up in a stained Def Leppard t-shirt, ripped and baggy jeans and cheap dollar-store flip-flops on dirt-crusted feet.

Of course, now that you've secured your future as a student:

Good shit. Now to spend all your money on booze and cigarettes like a proper student.

Do this, plus pot. So much pot.

[Nikose Tyris]

I'll be honest- When I first saw this thread, I really didn't expect it to work.

I'm very, very happy to be wrong, and impressed. Good job, Gregness!

[Gregness]

Gregness: defying expectations since 1985.

My mom was wearing an IUD when she got pregnant with me. They never did find out what happened to it! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw)

[shiney]

Hey hey hey hey. Hey.

Hey.

Mine was the last post before your approval response, so I take all the credit.

[The SSB Intern]

And by "credit", he of course means pot.

[synkr0nized]

Critique my appeal plzkthx!

You don't post a whole lot, but you definitely are nice and friendly. I don't recall seeing pictures, so we'll go from posts. Just a quick glance through NPF and we can know you're a brony, like gaming, and are a supportive person. Some may be turned off by the computer science and engineering aspects, but you're definitely proving to be a go-getter with the whole tracking-down-funding bit.

I'd say you have some appeal, but you could get a bit more by being more active and outspoken.

[Gregness]

[FONT="Tahoma...I don't recall seeing pictures, so ...[/FONT]

Ask, and ye shall receive. (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1111427&postcount=1442)

Seriously though, I accept your jestful complement with sincere gratitude. :cool: