Let's Hook up Bob the Merc: A Social Experiment

[Solid Snake]

So on the NPF chat, I came up with one of my typical brilliant ideas...
...and Bob the Merc actually liked it!

Okay, so here's the deal.
All of us, every single interested party on NPF, is going to hook our beloved Bob the Mercenary up with dates.
(Because we're all sick and tired of hearing Bob talk about how lonely he is and how he traditionally takes even less action than I do to solve that conundrum.)

Our modus operandi is clear: We're going to have collective access to Bob's OKCupid account, and we are going to use the account accordingly. Since Bob doesn't actually want to take the initiative himself (but he apparently feels far more comfortable letting us do so) we'll answer the Personality Test questions for him, write profile answers, post pictures, and send the messages in our spare time.

And then Bob will eventually totally have like sixty trillion dates to go on, and his life will make a complete one-hundred-eighty degree switch, to such an extent that we will all bow down to his stunning ability to seduce every female in the state of New Jersey.

LET'S DO THIS GUYS FOR GREAT JUSTICE

(No, I have no idea what possessed Bob to convince him to agree with this, but yes, I am absolutely committed to making this work for him because Bob is awesome and deserves all the dates. All of them.)

[The SSB Intern]

With NPF as your wingman, you'll either end up in bed or in a landfill, guaranteed!

(Shouldn't there be a link or something?)

[Solid Snake]

(Shouldn't there be a link or something?)

Rob's doing initial profile creation stuff, then he'll hand things over.

[Jagos]

Just for funsies...

I betcha I could talk to a lady in New Jersey, set up a few dates based on Bob's personality and have them talk to him.

And I'm in Texas.

[Bob The Mercenary]

If you want the username and password, leave me a message in "visitor messages" because my inbox is full and I don't feel like going through them all right now. Or get in touch with Snake.

I'd like to keep this somewhere near accurate if possible. You guys all know enough about me, I think, to do some damage. I answered fifty of their questions and imported a few pictures. Other than that it's a clean slate.

Now get me laid! But seriously, if you actually manage to do this...

[Gregness]

This can only end in tears.

[Toastburner B]

Wait, so are we doing his personality as Bob the Mercenary, or as Bob Dole?

[Solid Snake]

Wait, so are we doing his personality as Bob the Mercenary, or as Bob Dole?

Bob the Mercenary.
Also Bob: I do apologize for answering a few questions in a way that apparently (much to even my own surprise) contradicted your own prior answers. You may want to review everything I've done once you have a spare moment.

For the most part I think I nailed your ideal responses, except that I'm apparently slightly more liberal than you are and I didn't notice that.
(Also I apparently value honesty more than you do.)

EDIT: Also Rob a few of your brutally honest answers are leading to very high Enemy percentages with eligible ladies.
You need to learn to bend the truth a tad! Everyone on dating websites does it (whether they're supposed to or not.)

EDIT 2: Stopped at 180 questions. (Rob answered the first ~65ish.) Everything afterwards (for the time being) ain't my doin'!

[Overcast]

I'm going to ruin this like I ruined every RP I've ever started. Or not, I'm honestly trying to see what we are up to here. I'm not sure if I should take the Krylo offense. It seems workable but contradictory to Bob Dole.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

This sounds like the plot of some romantic comedy I'm afraid.
If life only worked like the movies I would've turned out to be the coolest dude ever and suddenly accepted by everyone on prom night.

Uh... good luck, I guess.

[Jagos]

This sounds like the plot of some romantic comedy I'm afraid.
If life only worked like the movies I would've turned out to be the coolest dude ever and suddenly accepted by everyone on prom night.

Uh... good luck, I guess.

This is Bob right now... (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Densha_Otoko)

[A Zarkin' Frood]

You mean Bob actually has a girlfriend and a superhero name? The fuck's the problem then?

[CABAL49]

I guess you could say that we are forming a...Cabal to help out Bob.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Bob the Mercenary.
Also Bob: I do apologize for answering a few questions in a way that apparently (much to even my own surprise) contradicted your own prior answers. You may want to review everything I've done once you have a spare moment.

For the most part I think I nailed your ideal responses, except that I'm apparently slightly more liberal than you are and I didn't notice that.
(Also I apparently value honesty more than you do.)

EDIT: Also Rob a few of your brutally honest answers are leading to very high Enemy percentages with eligible ladies.
You need to learn to bend the truth a tad! Everyone on dating websites does it (whether they're supposed to or not.)

EDIT 2: Stopped at 180 questions. (Rob answered the first ~65ish.) Everything afterwards (for the time being) ain't my doin'!

I answered the questions according to my beliefs, not to how I would vote. :P I figured if I answered truthfully I was more likely to find someone like me.

My personal opinions and what I would actually do as President are two separate things.

Changing my answers is at your discretion. I wasn't aware of that "enemy" percentage. Though I'd like some of the more obvious questions left untouched if you could.

[Jagos]

So you don't smoke weed nor do you want someone that does?

That's about 50% of the females out there...

[Aldurin]

I haven't the slightest inkling as to what Jersey women are like, so I'll leave this to you guys.

[Bob The Mercenary]

So you don't smoke weed nor do you want someone that does?

That's about 50% of the females out there...

I remember specifically saying I don't mind pot smoking...

[Ecks]

Guys, we're doing it wrong. We need to hand the reigns over to Terex, Poch, Satan's Onion, and all of the other NPF females.

Because women obviously have a better handle on what they'd want from a guy than what guys think women want.

[Amake]

Well, don't expect me to be able to help. Actually, if this works can I be next?

[Solid Snake]

Changing my answers is at your discretion. I wasn't aware of that "enemy" percentage. Though I'd like some of the more obvious questions left untouched if you could.

I'd recommend at least labeling yourself as having 'Average' (and not 'Below Average') confidence. Just about every woman in the known universe frowns upon and attempts to eliminate guys who believe they have 'below average' self-confidence or self-worth. Your brutal honesty there wins you no favors.
And besides, in certain non-dating areas of your life, I'd imagine you're quite confident.

[Aldurin]

Guys, we're doing it wrong. We need to hand the reigns over to Terex, Poch, Satan's Onion, and all of the other NPF females.

Because women obviously have a better handle on what they'd want from a guy than what guys think women want.

Whoa whoa whoa, Terex and Onion aren't guys?

[Ecks]

I don't think so... NPF Camwhore thread seems to indicate otherwise.

[Fenris]

Terex used to be a guy/won't be one for much longer (not sure where she is in the process) and SO has never been a guy afaik.

[Ecks]

As far as Terex is concerned... I think of her as a girl. That's how she sees herself, and I didn't know or care what gender she was before I found out, so that's how I see her.

[Bob The Mercenary]

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/NJRadioHost

My profile thus far. Feel free to suggest any changes or additions. I suck at writing funny so I didn't even try.

[Magus]

Hmmmmmmmmm...well, if you don't want to appear British, call it a bar instead of a pub? Unless people in New Jersey call them pubs. Other than that I can't think of anything...oh, if you're a Magic the Gathering champion, make sure to say so on your page, instead of on the first date, or else your bitch of a date might publicly humiliate you on the internet for "tricking" her. (http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2011/08/magic_the_gathe.php) Because as we know if you don't make it clear that you are really good at a card game on your page instead of on the first date, you are clearly a lying scumbag.

[DarkDrgon]

ew, Bob's a benny.

sorry, can't help ya

[Jagos]

Also I've been writing a book (what kind?). I really enjoy adding to my short stories and plan on doing more articles in the future.

NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR VIRGINITY! NEVER! EVER!

Sympathizing with other people's views, since I've held them all at one point or another.

Perhaps...

Talking to others, fixing problems, and having a good time while sympathizing with their viewpoint and showing them their strengths.

Halo. Seriously, I will end you.

Q: Is your girl a gamer? If not, you won't need this.

Dealing with difficult people. Retail tends to do that to you.

Just delete this. Your sympathizing speech is better. This is redundant.

-E- Pictures: Who are these people? What is the event? Be descriptive at the very least. You need to tell them that "hey, this girl is a co worker and we're having a few". Or, "A lunch date with mom". Pictures are worth a thousand words and you have some good ones. You're half way there man. Keep up the good work.

[Azisien]

Don't think of it as virginity, think of it as guaranteed STI free! And I wouldn't advertise it if you did, but it's not something to be ashamed of either.

I don't see the problem in admitting you're a gamer, or a Haloer, or whatever. I mean, you are, might as well say it.

[Jagos]

Don't think of it as virginity, think of it as guaranteed STI free! And I wouldn't advertise it if you did, but it's not something to be ashamed of either.

I don't see the problem in admitting you're a gamer, or a Haloer, or whatever. I mean, you are, might as well say it.

Women are kind of fickle on this. The wrong types put a lot of emphasis on the negative traits of being a gamer. You don't want to be labeled as an anti-social, reclusive shut in that hasn't been touched except with his own joystick. (Yes, some girls do think that)

If you're a gamer, great, but let her find out about it. It's far better to be a movie or book geek than a gamer one.

[phil_]

You don't want to be labeled as an anti-social, reclusive shut in that hasn't been touched except with his own joystick. (Yes, some girls do think that)A-a-and why would anyone want to date someone awful enough to entertain this notion?

[A Zarkin' Frood]

As long as you're not mentioning that you turned to a forum for fans of a sprite comic to handle your OKC account because you don't think you could be successful without having people answer questions for fucking you, you should be fine.

EDIT: Am I the only one who thinks this is a really shitty idea?
EDIT2: Can I be next?

[Jagos]

A-a-and why would anyone want to date someone awful enough to entertain this notion?

I might stand corrected... (http://kotaku.com/5360200/okcupid-dating-survey-gives-gamers-an-edge-over-literature-nerds)

Though this IS Kotaku...

[Azisien]

Women are kind of fickle on this. The wrong types put a lot of emphasis on the negative traits of being a gamer. You don't want to be labeled as an anti-social, reclusive shut in that hasn't been touched except with his own joystick. (Yes, some girls do think that)

If you're a gamer, great, but let her find out about it. It's far better to be a movie or book geek than a gamer one.

But why would you care, or want to date, girls that do think that, if you're a gamer? Just fucking be yourself, there's no actual rules for relationships (aside from the stuff chronicled in the Call Centers thread). And anyway, it's not like Bob went on this huge rant about how he worships Halo and loves it forever and OMG he's playing Halo right now with his custom made fiberglass Master Chief helmet snuggling up to his Cortana body pillow!! It was barely even a sentence!

That being said, I dunno if there's a word cap on the front page - the only place I looked - but it seemed a bit anemic?

[Bob The Mercenary]

I agree it's a bit short. But...what do I add? How much is too much?

[Jagos]

It was barely even a sentence!

Don't you think you're taking this a smidge too seriously?

How much is too much?

Honestly, you've got the right idea of summarizing your main points. The Halo thing seems a little too focused on one aspect of gaming. To me, it seems the "I will end you" part is rather off putting. "I play a few games such as Portal and Halo between working on my book and radio gigs."

Says a lot more than just "Halo. Uhrah!"

[Magus]

But why would you care, or want to date, girls that do think that, if you're a gamer? Just fucking be yourself, there's no actual rules for relationships (aside from the stuff chronicled in the Call Centers thread). And anyway, it's not like Bob went on this huge rant about how he worships Halo and loves it forever and OMG he's playing Halo right now with his custom made fiberglass Master Chief helmet snuggling up to his Cortana body pillow!! It was barely even a sentence!

He may want to reveal this on the first date, though. No sense getting the whole way to the engagement and then realizing he forgot to mention his cosplay fetish.

[Bob The Mercenary]

All of my matches are either science or math teachers.

A) Why do they have to be so outrageously talented?

B) Why in the world would these women have to resort to a dating website?

[Overcast]

They don't want to date where they work and don't want the random tasking of other social mediums. Stop complaining anc get your teach on.

[Azisien]

Teachers usually get in a lot of trouble when they date where they work anyway.

[Gregness]

As long as you're not mentioning that you turned to a forum for fans of a sprite comic to handle your OKC account because you don't think you could be successful without having people answer questions for fucking you, you should be fine.

EDIT: Am I the only one who thinks this is a really shitty idea?
EDIT2: Can I be next?

Maybe after we're done with Bob this can turn in the general PIMP MY PROFILE thread.

[Jagos]

All of my matches are either science or math teachers.

A) Why do they have to be so outrageously talented?

B) Why in the world would these women have to resort to a dating website?

What's wrong with science or math teachers?

And there's plenty of factors that say they might have the same social hangups as any guy. Don't let their bachelor/doctorate scare you. See how their personality is before getting intimidated by their pursuit of higher learning.

[Aldurin]

All of my matches are either science or math teachers.

A) Why do they have to be so outrageously talented?

B) Why in the world would these women have to resort to a dating website?

Don't automatically assume these are all legit, there are people out there that will oversell themselves.

[Archbio]

Not to mention that matching services will plant shills.

[CABAL49]

EDIT: Am I the only one who thinks this is a really shitty idea?
EDIT2: Can I be next?

I don't know dude. German women seem pretty scary to me.

[synkr0nized]

EDIT: Am I the only one who thinks this is a really shitty idea?

No


But I am holding out for expected hilarity.

[Satan's Onion]

Terex used to be a guy/won't be one for much longer (not sure where she is in the process) and SO has never been a guy afaik.

Why yes indeed, I am a lifelong owner/operator of a vagina! And it's always nice to learn of other women around the place. I tip my hat to you, Terex ^_^ !

Guys, we're doing it wrong. We need to hand the reigns over to Terex, Poch, Satan's Onion, and all of the other NPF females.

Because women obviously have a better handle on what they'd want from a guy than what guys think women want.

I do feel, however, that I should point out one thing: I'm the kind of girl who likes hanging out at NPF. Even if I try to help, it'd be hard to resist the urge to turn ol' Bob here into, say, a fart-fetishist necrofurry or something.

You might be just as well off without my assistance, is what I'm sayin'.

[synkr0nized]

I do feel, however, that I should point out one thing: I'm the kind of girl who likes hanging out at NPF. Even if I try to help, it'd be hard to resist the urge to turn ol' Bob here into, say, a fart-fetishist necrofurry or something.

This is the kind of thing I am honestly surprised isn't happening. I can't decide if it also makes me unhappy or if I am going to go with pleased-at-folks-being-upstanding-for-a-NPFer.

[TDK]

I'm sure there was some female NPF-er who lived in New Jersey. :raise:

I have an idea!

[CelesJessa]

And anyway, it's not like Bob went on this huge rant about how he worships Halo and loves it forever and OMG he's playing Halo right now with his custom made fiberglass Master Chief helmet snuggling up to his Cortana body pillow!! It was barely even a sentence!

To be honest, I can think of a couple of women who would be all over him if he did say that.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

man if you want to go out with teachers Bob I know fucking heaps of them. They're all awful people though. I think these facts are related.

[TDK]

Also, I don't know where you're getting the assumption that being a teacher means you are in any way talented or intelligent. I don't know about your experiences in grade school, but I've had some stupid teachers, let me tell you.

Unless they are College Professors in which case, GET UP ON DAT, DAWG.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

To be a high school teacher you just need to pass a bachelors of whatevers your teaching over here which pretty much anyone can do.

[TDK]

Here its an "Education" degree, I believe.

[Krylo]

This is the kind of thing I am honestly surprised isn't happening. I can't decide if it also makes me unhappy or if I am going to go with pleased-at-folks-being-upstanding-for-a-NPFer.

I was going to do that, but then his password wasn't in the first post and you have to like... leave him a message on his wall or whatever for it I guess? And man, fuck that. Too much work.

[Magus]

Thanks for all the teacher bashing for no apparent reason.

...are you guys sure you aren't Republican? :D

I'd just like to see you guys teach Lord of the Flies to seniors and deal with the resulting shitstorm for months on end while not resorting to violence. If that doesn't prove the value of teachers, nothing does: we do not regularly kill obnoxious teenagers and keep them from bothering you between the hours of 7:00 am and 3:00 pm, daily.

You're welcome.

[Jagos]

So are they teachers or underpaid baby sitters?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Thanks for all the teacher bashing for no apparent reason.

...are you guys sure you aren't Republican? :D

I'd just like to see you guys teach Lord of the Flies to seniors and deal with the resulting shitstorm for months on end while not resorting to violence. If that doesn't prove the value of teachers, nothing does: we do not regularly kill obnoxious teenagers and keep them from bothering you between the hours of 7:00 am and 3:00 pm, daily.

You're welcome.

I got taught Lord of Flies when I was like 11 and there was no shitstorm... I don't understand what shitstorm there would be??
And I totally teach high school students for 2 weeks every year. They heaps easier than college kids cause they don't give a shit and neither do I.

[Bob The Mercenary]

I was going to do that, but then his password wasn't in the first post and you have to like... leave him a message on his wall or whatever for it I guess? And man, fuck that. Too much work.

Which is the reason I changed my password and stopped giving it to people.

[Magus]

I got taught Lord of Flies when I was like 11 and there was no shitstorm... I don't understand what shitstorm there would be??
And I totally teach high school students for 2 weeks every year. They heaps easier than college kids cause they don't give a shit and neither do I.

Yes, teaching high school students for two weeks when you don't give a shit is clearly the same as teaching them for months on end when you do give a shit.

The shitstorm occurs when you don't let seniors talk loudly the whole period, wander around in the hallway, wrestle, crawling around on the floor, etc. and they then begin to act like big giant babies who you have to give them detention (and trust me, I try to make it a last resort after other strategies fail). This of course creates a vicious cycle where their continued attempts to make you mad instead just results in them getting detention and eventually suspended. One student, after getting one-day suspension for telling me "Fuck you" to my face, whined that this was going to hurt his Air Force application. To which I could only reply, "You've learned a valuable lesson that is much better learned now, as saying what you said to me to your superior in the Air Force is going to have far greater consequences."

So are they teachers or underpaid baby sitters?

Depends on the student quite a bit.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

when you do give a shit.



Here's the problem.

[Magus]

You missed my ninja edit, Smarty! I had to give a shit or lose my job because my students would disrupt other classes. And teachers have to give a shit because there's far more oversight for them, anyway.

By the way, the degree is not easy in one sense, because it actually never ends, at least in PA. We are required to get 24 post-bachelor credits within 5 years of becoming full-time teachers or our license is revoked. And then every 6 years no matter whether you have a job or not you are required to take at least 6 post-bachelor credits (although fortunately this can also be fulfilled with so many hours of inservice training). Combine this with every other politician wanting to institute "merit pay" and it's not a cakewalk.

So Bob, take those teacher ladies out and show them a nice time on the town, they deserve it.

[Ecks]

Holy shit. I had actually considered becoming a teacher at some point.

Glad I gave up on that.

Now I'm leaning toward being a pharmacy tech... but now they want doctorates for that shit. Fuck me, I want to get somewhere in life but my economic means and my drive are nil.

So... I should just work to fuel my needs for food shelter and amusement, and then die when I can't do it anymore?

On topic: Bob, go date some of these teachers. And then tell me if they're worth the effort of dealing with their schedules.

[Bob The Mercenary]

Maybe I shouldn't give anyone access to my account. Or else this could happen...

http://www.google.com/m/url?client=safari&ei=ZZpmTsjzJc_llgfF9t4B&hl=en&oe=UTF-8&q=http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Phantomz/&te=12&ved=0CBUQFjAA&usg=AFQjCNEo1p2fpAuGa7mSnuKj1JAqKLK03w

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Holy shit. I had actually considered becoming a teacher at some point.

Glad I gave up on that.

Now I'm leaning toward being a pharmacy tech... but now they want doctorates for that shit. Fuck me, I want to get somewhere in life but my economic means and my drive are nil.
I teach pharmacy papers. I can totally teach you that shit. I'll give you a bit of paper and everything.



So... I should just work to fuel my needs for food shelter and amusement, and then die when I can't do it anymore?
That's pretty much how life works.



Bob, forget all these shits. Move to either Scotland or New Zealand or Europe or like Western australia and I'll hook you up with heaps of girls. And it'll be easy, you'll rock in with your cocky Americanness and all your money and they'll be at your feet. Trust me. It'll totally work.

[Ecks]

Ideally Smarty, this is what we'd all do except most of the world says things behind our backs when we leave the room like "Fucking Americans."

[Bob The Mercenary]

Got a response from the one who was rated 96% with me. She wrote four paragraphs, so I think we could be on to something. She even asked about my book. Time to activate my hyperbole.

[Satan's Onion]

For reference, Bob, I believe the accepted rule is to not mention the whole fart-fetishist necrofurry thing until around the third date.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Ideally Smarty, this is what we'd all do except most of the world says things behind our backs when we leave the room like "Fucking Americans."

Pfft, in Crazytown we hate al countries. So just don't identify yourself with one and you're all good.

For reference, Bob, I believe the accepted rule is to not mention the whole fart-fetishist necrofurry thing until around the third date.
I say get it out there in the first ten minutes. You got to know whether you are wasting your time or not..