I may have to go on the lam, you guys

[Satan's Onion]

In my inbox: An email titled (seriously) "FBI OFFICE GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DONT WANT US TO ARREST YOU AND JAIL YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" from FBI OFFICE, whose email handle is...JTCARPETCLEANING at [email service redacted].

My questions to everybody: How do I beat this rap and/or make sure I remain un-shanked during my upcoming prison sentence? After all, this is clearly serious FBI business :ohdear: .

edit: On the bright side, I won 800,000 United Kingdom Pounds apparently! (Yep, "United Kingdom Pounds", verbatim.) Maybe I can make that into [s]real U.S. money somehow?

[Bells]

You need a car, a weapon, at least 3 possible and viable hostages and a getaway vehicle.

Buy multiple tickets on your credit car. Train, bus, Air on multiple time slots... doesn't matter, they will trace them all but won't be able to tell which one you will use and you won't be able to use the credit card for anything else anyways, so might as well make it for good use.

Then, of course, buy some Hair Dye (cash only, in somewhere with no cameras), take your hostage unconscious to the complet opposite direction where you want to go and leave him there to be found (distraction!), leave some silly clues for it too!

That should buy you a couple of days to have the feds and local possible scrambling around for you on all the wrong places.

At that point... Canada. Then Alaska. Then you go west for asia by sea.

It's almost too easy!

[Intern Nin]

You forgot the most important thing, Bells! A new life means a new identity. You got to pick out a new name for yourself.

I would go with... Allison Notafugitive.

[Aerozord]

there will be checkpoints as you try to flee remember these nine words which have saved many a fugitive

"These are not the droids you are looking for"

[Krylo]

You need a car, a weapon, at least 3 possible and viable hostages and a getaway vehicle.

Buy multiple tickets on your credit car. Train, bus, Air on multiple time slots... doesn't matter, they will trace them all but won't be able to tell which one you will use and you won't be able to use the credit card for anything else anyways, so might as well make it for good use.

Then, of course, buy some Hair Dye (cash only, in somewhere with no cameras), take your hostage unconscious to the complet opposite direction where you want to go and leave him there to be found (distraction!), leave some silly clues for it too!

That should buy you a couple of days to have the feds and local possible scrambling around for you on all the wrong places.

At that point... Canada. Then Alaska. Then you go west for asia by sea.

It's almost too easy!

Mexico is better. They don't extradite, and you only have to cross one border with the US border patrol on it (and a pretty 'leaky' one at that) to get out.

[Seil]

Osterbaum - Osterworthington III (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mqfUAWmtJE) - you may have to lie about your carpets.

[mauve]

I'll bet the Nigerian prince from whom you won the United Kingdom Pounds secretly framed you as part of a larger revenge scheme against the FBI. Clearly, now it's time for you to get a really flashy car and go on an action-packed globe-spanning adventure to evade the FBI and prove your innocence before the real villain gets away and kidnaps the moon or something. You'll probably have a lot of close-call last-minute escapes and end up with a mysterious and attractive partner in crime who may or may not end up as a double agent out to kill you.

I mean, obviously that's what you'll have to do. A bazillion action movies can't be wrong about these things.

[Bells]

I Just got this e-mail...

RE: YOUR PACKAGE DELIVERY BY 5:30 PM TOMORROW <fbioffficeflorida@fbi.gov.org>


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
(FBI FLORIDA)
DEPT: WORLD DEBT RECONCILIATION AGENCIES.
23 TALOR WAY JACKSONVILLE FLORIDA.
Official Website: http://www.fbi.gov/
http://www.fbi.gov/libref/executives/director.htm
EMAIL: (fbiofficeflorida@usa.com)


Hello


We officially write to you based on the total collection of your package delivery by 5:30 pm tomorrow.


However we hereby draw to your notice that you have to get your package insured against any governmental agency and also to protect your Fundamental Human Right as soon as your package is been delivered to your door step.


So you have to understand that your package must be insured before the delivery can take place today, but failing to get the package insured you will not get the package as was scheduled to be delivered today.


However we have sent a signal to the custom and also your sender’s agent towards this new development, and to your information this insurance will cost you sum total of $76.


This insurance is very important to enable you access your package as soon as is been delivered to you, and it has been to our notice that your package contains atm master card which can be used in any atm machine all over the world and if you fail to get the card insurance you can not be able to use the card once it is been delivered to you.


So you are to forward the payment to insurance company with the payment information below for your package insurance to enable then issue your package insurance certificate and you are to forward the certificate to us as soon as is been issued to your for your delivery to take place immediately.

Name: john nwa
Address: Lagos-Nigeria
Text question: Urgent
Text answer: Need
Amount: $76

MTCN:.............................................
Sender's Name.....................................
Sender’s Address..................................


You are to email him the payment information as was directed on the email.


Contact person: murice bruce

Email: customerservicecare@linuxmail.org
linuxinsurancemail@yahoo.co.jp




You are the delay to your package delivery, so the earlier the better.

MR. ROBERT MUELLER III

FUCK! You guys... The FBI has my Package...

*shifty eyes*

Onion, dude! We're in this one together!! i'll meet you up in Tijuana, the sign is "Donde esta la biblioteca?". I'll be P. J. Normalguy and you'll be Al dente Incognito, Get a Mustache!

[Intern Nin]

Onion's a woman, numbnuts.

[Bells]

Onion's a woman, numbnuts.

i Know!! That's why nobody will be looking for Someone with a Mustache!!

On the other hand... it is mexico...

Either way! GAWD you don't know the first thing about international manhunts and escaping federal authorities do ya?! Do feds are coming for us all man! You can't fight the system, the system fights you!...

[Pip Boy]

International womanhunt, numbnuts.

[Aldurin]

Bells, you need to get your gender association right if you're going to Mexico, since the spanish language applies a gender to nearly EVERY word in it.

SO, escape to the last place they'll look once they figure you're on the run. New York City.

[Mr.Bookworm]

Bells, you need to get your gender association right if you're going to Mexico, since the spanish language applies a gender to nearly EVERY word in it.

SO, escape to the last place they'll look once they figure you're on the run. New York City.

Pfft. Washington.

http://www.visitingdc.com/images/fbi-headquarters-address.jpg

They'll never expect it.

[shiney]

Bells, you need to get your gender association right if you're going to Mexico, since the spanish language applies a gender to nearly EVERY word in it.

SO, escape to the last place they'll look once they figure you're on the run. New York City.

NEW YORK CITY?!

http://pegasusnews.com/media/img/photos/2009/08/26/thumbs/pace-picante-sauce.jpg.728x520_q85.jpg

"Get a rope."

[akaSM]

Onion's a woman, numbnuts.

http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/5467/beareynolds.jpg

[Seil]

I was thinking more that Hipster Finger Mustache thing. (That I hate.)

[Aerozord]

hmm, I wonder how onion on the lamb would taste

[Seil]

http://noveldog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/hannibal.jpg

[Ecks]

I know what you need to do.

Come to Michigan.

The FBI never checks out anyone in Michigan. Even the State troopers don't give a fuck as long as you're not carrying coke or harboring fugitives-ohwait.

[Intern Nin]

i Know!! That's why nobody will be looking for Someone with a Mustache!!

On the other hand... it is mexico...

Either way! GAWD you don't know the first thing about international manhunts and escaping federal authorities do ya?! Do feds are coming for us all man! You can't fight the system, the system fights you!...

For the record, it wasn't the mustache. It was you calling her a dude and the cover name you picked out.

And I like to think I know quite a bit about evading federal agents... wait...

'You can't fight the system, the system fights you'?

Agent Huxtable!

Onion! Do not meet up with Bells and do not listen to anything he says! I don't know if Bells has been captured or if Bells is working with him or if he's been Bells from the start but I do know that you can not trust him! You need to run right now! Run and find someplace to hide. And make sure you destroy your computer before you go, I know I will.

I got careless, but it won't happen again.

[Seil]

Hoshi- (http://www.cracked.com/article_19455_5-common-crime-fighting-tactics-statistics-say-dont-work.html)

[Magus]

All I know is when on the lam from the G-men when you jump in the car the only thing to say to your driver is "Cheese it, Tony! It's the fuzz!"

And then begins the tommy-gunning.

[mauve]

All I know is when on the lam from the G-men when you jump in the car the only thing to say to your driver is "Cheese it, Tony! It's the fuzz!"

And then begins the tommy-gunning.

Alternately, "[xxxx] miles to Chicago, full tank of gas, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses" is acceptable too.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

If you need a hiding place, I know a guy down Lousianna-ways. Runs a diner in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Calls himself Louis Sipher (I dunno, I think it's French). He'll get you set up.

Note: Do not eat anything on the menu, or at least nothing with meat it in. You don't want to know where he gets it from...

[POS Industries]

Alternately, "[xxxx] miles to Chicago, full tank of gas, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses" is acceptable too.
The less Illinois Nazis, the better.

[Magus]

If the cops try to stop you just say you're on a mission from God.

If you need a hiding place, I know a guy down Lousianna-ways. Runs a diner in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Calls himself Louis Sipher (I dunno, I think it's French). He'll get you set up.

Note: Do not eat anything on the menu, or at least nothing with meat it in. You don't want to know where he gets it from...

If you absolutely have to eat meat, order four fried chickens and a Coke.

[Seil]

http://listverse.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/javert.jpg

[Thadius]

Pfft. Please. Accountability?

Just do the time warp into an alternate universe. BAM. You're safe forever.

[Seil]

But what if you run into lasers?

[Thadius]

Well then clearly you've gone into the future, and way too far into it at that. Which is ridiculous, because they'd just arrest you for evading the charges for who knows how long anyways.

This is why you get a Delorean WITHOUT a faulty time circuit.

[Aerozord]

Well then clearly you've gone into the future, and way too far into it at that. Which is ridiculous, because they'd just arrest you for evading the charges for who knows how long anyways.


statute of limitations

[Flarecobra]

Step 1: Buy a tux.
Step 2: Fly to Antartica.
Step 3: Be a penguin.
Step 4: ????
Step 5: Profit/freedom.

[Sky Warrior Bob]

Watch 'I almost got away with it' on Discover Channel, then do the opposite. Either that, or learn to not take any stock in random e-mails. Heck, does that FBI e-mail even mention you by name?

[Satan's Onion]

Watch 'I almost got away with it' on Discover Channel, then do the opposite. Either that, or learn to not take any stock in random e-mails. Heck, does that FBI e-mail even mention you by name?

I didn't check, silly, 'cos I don't want my computer getting internet STDs 'cos I knew immediately that my number was up and I had to get away!

[akaSM]

I knew I shouldn't have posted here, I KNEW IT


Did you authorize MR. BENARD WILLIAMS SMITH from Virginia to receive your $30.5M,he told me you sent him and that you are dead.

HERE IS THE MAN INFORMATION'S TO TRANSFER THE FUND TO HIS ACCOUNT:

NAME MR. BENARD WILLIAMS SMITH
*address*
======================================
Bank name and infos,
*bank stuff*
======================================
*I should put my info here*

Get back to me with the above information before we can direct you to the paying bank or proceed with him as well.
FBI OFFICE
USA.

Not only did I get an email from the FBI but, some bastard took my munnys :argh:. Also, I might have died without noticing :ohdear:

Does anyone have an extra tux? Going to Penguinland sounds like the best option since I cannot run to Mexico D:

EDIT: Oh god, I don't even know if I'm dead or alive. I need someone to observe me, I don't want to be a Schrodinger's human D:

[Aldurin]

Looking more closely at the e-mail, it seems that the national standards for grammar were lowered without us noticing.

[Seil]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/2/27feb27-riding-a-sheep.jpg

[Satan's Onion]

...
Not only did I get an email from the FBI but, some bastard took my munnys :argh:. Also, I might have died without noticing :ohdear:

Does anyone have an extra tux? Going to Penguinland sounds like the best option since I cannot run to Mexico D:

EDIT: Oh god, I don't even know if I'm dead or alive. I need someone to observe me, I don't want to be a Schrodinger's human D:

Not only from the FBI, but from the FBI in Florida. The government in Florida is wll known for being particularly law-abiding and ruthlessly honest, as the late Hunter S. Thompson and practically anyone else could tell you. They'll stop at nothing to see the law carried out to its fullest extent! Nothing, I tell you!

Have you tried China? They may be an oppressive authoritarian shithole, but there'll be lots of people around to make sure your waveform collapses properly so you can get lost in the crowd, as it were. Good food, too.

...Or so I heard.

[Magus]

I dunno, it says right there "FBI Office, USA", sounds pretty legit to me guyz.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

SO, I'm not sure if you can read this but if you aren't in police custody and/or dead, I buried a care package out in the desert just past the Phoenix city limits. Follow State Route 101 and look for a pair of cacti that look like they're doing a tango. Walk about 50 yards due east from there and dig. You'll find a suitcase with $500 in medium bills, a fake ID set with driver's license, insurance card and Cheese of the Month membership as well as a fully loaded Colt Peacemaker revolver with 36 additional rounds. That should last you to the border and beyond.

And if you ever get lost in the Sonoran look for a rattlesnake with one blue eye and a scar on his back that looks like Marylin Monroe. Tell him Shyria sent you and that you're there to collect a favor on my behalf. He'll have to help you.

[shiney]

That snake is a dirty whore and don't you damn forget it.

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Hey, he may have done some..."things" in the past but Slim's always been dependable in the past and he's easy enough to get along with once you get past his lack of people skills.

[akaSM]

Hey Shy, what do I do if I'm already at Mexico? :ohdear:

[Aldurin]

Go further south, akaSM.