The Terrible Neighbors Thread

[TDK]

Dear neighbor,

I understand that you would like to learn to play the guitar, but JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST would you learn to tune the fucking thing, it sounds like you are strangling a cat.

I further recognize that Smoke on the Water was a pretty rockin' song, but you do not need to play it over and over again. Maybe...maybe try learning how to actually play it? I mean I thought it was pretty much the easiest thing to play in the entire world (I don't even play the guitar and I can play it), but hey, maybe you're five years old or something.

How can you be this terrible and have an amp and an electric guitar? Are you one of those douchebags who enters college, decides he is going to be the guy with the guitar, then promptly buys a guitar and an amp and all this stuff, and then never actually learns how to play it?

Don't be that guy.

Yours Truly, the guy who lives across from your window who is kept awake by your terrible fucking guitar playing

PS: I enjoy the smell of pot smoke as much as the next college student, but please stop smoking it in the alley.

[Fifthfiend]

This one time my parents' neighbor pulled a wooden property-marker stake out of the ground, threw it at my mother, and told her she stank like a shit.

[TDK]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

[Magus]

Clearly he said like a shit, which is not as bad as stanking like shit, as in all the shit.

Out here where I live you have to worry more about your neighbor shooting your dog than anything else.

Which is to say, some our dogs have been shot by our neighbors.

[Fifthfiend]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

http://i.imgur.com/qMZhK.gif

[Fifthfiend]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

http://i.imgur.com/LooGx.gif

[Flarecobra]

You need to go "Animal House" on the guitar.

[Fifthfiend]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

http://i.imgur.com/YYwES.gif

[Magus]

Bluto would probably have been less pissed over Smoke on the Water played badly than I Gave My Love A Cherry played badly (or at all).

Or rather I can picture Bluto being the guy playing Smoke on the Water badly.

[Fifthfiend]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/reactions/1249977126_dramatic_black_woman.gif

[Fifthfiend]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j162/popemobile_photos/pillowswb.gif

[Amake]

Around here the only problem with neighbors is trying to tell if they're serial killers or just Swedish. Seriously since I moved to this apartment in 2004 I've had exactly one conversation with anyone in the whole city district, a neighbor couple who had fallen prey to the outer door, which locks itself randomly sometimes after 10 pm. I opened it for them.

[Magus]

Around here the only problem with neighbors is trying to tell if they're serial killers or just Swedish. Seriously since I moved to this apartment in 2004 I've had exactly one conversation with anyone in the whole city district, a neighbor couple who had fallen prey to the outer door, which locks itself randomly sometimes after 10 pm. I opened it for them.

Since my only experience with Sweden is reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", I think it's safe to assume all your Swedish neighbors are violent serial rapists and murderers.

[Terex4]

My neighbors like to smoke pot and talk loudly in the hallway separating our apartments until around 2am.

Yet people in my complex are afraid of me because I never talk to them or go to social events. They think I'm a serial killer or something.

[Seil]

I see no evidence to the contrary.

[Fifthfiend]

In his defense, your mother do stank like shit.

http://i.imgur.com/SYuLX.gif

http://i.imgur.com/DLRwJ.gif

http://i.imgur.com/re4NO.gif

http://i.imgur.com/HODY2.gif

http://i.imgur.com/T582k.gif

[TDK]

Man you got problems.

[Bard The 5th LW]

Dear neighbor,

I understand that you would like to learn to play the guitar, but JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST would you learn to tune the fucking thing, it sounds like you are strangling a cat.


...I just started trying to learn how to play recently.

I was just talking to my mom about how I need to tune it.

[TDK]

...I just started trying to learn how to play recently.

I was just talking to my mom about how I need to tune it.

Okay, do that.

AND STOP SMOKING POT IN THE ALLEY. AND TELL YOUR DOG TO STOP BARKING.

[Amake]

Since my only experience with Sweden is reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", I think it's safe to assume all your Swedish neighbors are violent serial rapists and murderers. You know what they say about the person who has read only one book. I recommend some Jan Guillou, Astrid Lindgren and by all means Frans G Bengtsson's epic Red Orm.

So yeah, close-ass neighbors are weird. My best friends have always lived between twenty minutes and four hours away, or what we in the countryside called "next door".

[Fifthfiend]

Man you got problems.

http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/reactions/original.gif

[Japan]

You have way too many animated GIFs.

[Mr.Bookworm]

http://evans-experientialism.freewebspace.com/oedipus-the-king.jpg

On the actual subject of the thread (as opposed to Fifth's mommy issues), I'm pretty sure that I've committed at least one actual, legal crime against each of my neighbors. I am a terrible neighbor.

[phil_]

You know what they say about the person who has read only one book.What do they say? Is it about me?

[Fifthfiend]

http://i.imgur.com/uOSOt.gif

http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/emoticons/dealdealdealdealwithit.gif

[Geminex]

http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/emoticons/dealdealdealdealwithit.gif

http://i.imgur.com/48MWG.png

[Amake]

Oh, I just remembered a funny story. There's this big store about five minutes on foot from me where I do all my shopping, and this day I had bought a few more things than I had planned, and I squeezed them into my amazingly spacious, although getting quite worn out backpack and still had to take a bag in each hand. It was a hella heavy load and I was sweating, dizzy and hoarse with thirst by the time I made it up the hill and up the stairs.

(Scorpios like living in high places, apparently.)

So I'm juggling two by this point heavy plastic bags and trying to open the wallet with my key in it when I hear a door opening behind me at the same time as I feel a worrying shift in the weight on my back. It turns out the zipper, in its old age, is giving way and things start falling out. Discount cider in glass bottles. On the stone floor. I hear the crashing and splashing and smell the booze, but I can only move very slowly to keep anything else from falling out. Oh yeah, over my shoulder I see a small child by the open door, though my glasses are fogged up just enough that I can't see its expression. Perhaps it's mercy.

Eventually, slowly, feeling like the leading contender for the world's most obviously trying to hide you're drunk award, I manage to get the door open, get through it and put my things down without making any more mess. And I got rid of the broken glass and everything, at least enough that there was no complaints. It's possible the scheduled cleaning crew came by the next day. Any way I never hear a word from anyone through all this, and today I'm still trying to figure out if they didn't want to talk to me cause I was obviously a drunk or if they were just being Swedes.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

http://i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt148/fifthfiend/reactions/original.gif

http://d.localhostr.com/file/IcAJ87x/1323786517854.gif

[Osterbaum]

.

[Marc v4.0]

My neighbors like to smoke pot and talk loudly in the hallway separating our apartments until around 2am.

Yet people in my complex are afraid of me because I never talk to them or go to social events. They think I'm a serial killer or something.

Kill them

[pochercoaster]

Sometimes I got woken up by police in my old apartment because they were investigating gunshots.

[BitVyper]

*gifs*



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/BitVyper/Fifthreleaseshisanger5.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/BitVyper/Fifthreleaseshisanger6.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/BitVyper/Fifthreleaseshisanger2.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/BitVyper/Fifthreleaseshisanger7.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/BitVyper/Fifthreleaseshisanger4.jpg

[Terex4]

Kill them
This is the obvious solution.

[Betty Elms]

Wait what if I'm the terrible neighbor?

Dear neighbor,

Please stop dancing about and playing Bjork so loudly all the time. I mean really. At least remember to close the shutters if you insist on doing it unclothed. Do you need to make your friends go out on the fire escape when you want to talk about politics and/or how "fucking rad" it would be if you got a bunch of christmas lights and made your room into "a dazzling faerie womb of colors and kitschy christmas shit"? You're very loud. You have all that space inside your apartment, if you have your inane conversations in there I won't have to listen to them. Also jesus christ it smells like you set a rainforest on fire stop smoking so much.

love,
that old couple with the friendly pug

[Marc v4.0]

Sounds awesome

[Ecks]

I don't have neighbors. I just have a lot of family members who live in close proximity and I want to kill almost all of them.

Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly. But god dammit, they get up way too early in the morning on my days off and think I would like company at six am.

[TDK]

Wait what if I'm the terrible neighbor?

Dear neighbor,

Please stop dancing about and playing Bjork so loudly all the time. I mean really. At least remember to close the shutters if you insist on doing it unclothed. Do you need to make your friends go out on the fire escape when you want to talk about politics and/or how "fucking rad" it would be if you got a bunch of christmas lights and made your room into "a dazzling faerie womb of colors and kitschy christmas shit"? You're very loud. You have all that space inside your apartment, if you have your inane conversations in there I won't have to listen to them. Also jesus christ it smells like you set a rainforest on fire stop smoking so much.

love,
that old couple with the friendly pug

Betty Elms is an old couple with a friendly pug.

OR MAYBE

She is the pug.

[batgirl]

My upstairs neighbors stomp around at all hours of the day/night in what must be either swedish clogs or steel toed boots, thumping over my head. They regularly have the tv/radio on loud enough for us to hear lyrics to the limp dicked soft rock they play while they hump. They also regularly beat the shit out of each other, screaming and banging around.

I went up there once to tell them to shut up, but to be honest after I got a look at them and saw just how shady they are, I am legitimately afraid of reporting/yelling at them since I seriously believe they might stab me.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

I loved my former neighbors. They were awesome. Whenever my brother and I had a conversation at a normal level after the dark she would stomp down, ring the bell and complain really energetically that she can't sleep because of our conversation about whatever and that she could understand every single word. Then she proceeded to have sex with her boyfriend. And she wasn't one of those women who don't try to sound like straight out of shitty porn. No no no, she had to moan and scream real loud and use all the phrases.

After that the lady who lived there was nice too. Since my parents were her landlords she filed a lot of complaints about the apartment to them. Most of them ridiculous. None of them justified, except the ones that were already fixed by the time we received her letter (she lived above us and could y'know, just come down and say "yo, I clogged my drain with pubes, come and fix it!") Yeah, it was obvious she was looking for reasons to lower the rent. Which was pretty low already. My favorite complaint she had was that "the toilet smelled of feces" Well, if you don't want your toilet to smell like that then don't have such disgusting shit leak out of your talk hole.

She also complained the the floor vibrated when you stomp really hard in a certain spot in another room. I don't know why this is a problem, because she must have been looking for it to find it. The fun part is that my parents told whoever's gonna move in soon about that, and they considered it more of a feature. I know I would too.

You may reformulate this post to read as a letter to my former neighbors. But I don't even know their new addresses, so why should I write a letter?

[DarkDrgon]

My suitemate at school just discovered dubstep. He has now fallen so in love with it, he can't sleep without it going through his ridiculous sound system, blasting loud enough to pierce the soundproof walls, that were built to hide us from the fact that our backyard is a FUCKING AIRPORT!!!

[Ecks]

My suitemate at school just discovered dubstep.

I feel so very sorry for you. I can't help but feel that violent and unrestrained murder is the only solution.

[A Zarkin' Frood]

It could be worse. Your neighbor could listen to Breakcore. Which is awesome music, really, but only very few seem to be able to appreciate it.