Smarty teaches etiquette

[Professor Smarmiarty]

As a dashing young socialite the most common question I get is 1) Why are you so handsome? to which I reply you can't. but the 2nd most common question I get is 2) What is the appropriate etiquette in this situtation?
As a forum of shutins and fatties you are most particularly in danger. So ask questions of etiquette and I shall FIX YOUR LIFE

[Revising Ocelot]

(22:56:44) Smarty_McBarrelp: I DON@T THINK POCH APPRECIATED MY LESSONS IN FOOD ETIQUETTE
(22:57:20) Gregness: What ettiquette? the proper way to clean crumbs out of your beard?
(22:58:08) Smarty_McBarrelp: ETIQUETTE IS WHEN YOU POO ON THE COUCH YOU PUT A PILLO OVER IT

End of thread. Anything else is merely redundant information.

[Mr.Bookworm]

What is the polite way to inform a young lady of stature that you believe she has the face of a lowbred horse and thus do not wish to copulate with her?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

It is best not to do it to her face as this can have various legal and societal ramifications. Find the pimp and explain your predicament but emphasise your willingness to pursue further opportunities that he tables. It is polite to allow him to show off some of his other wares- even if you do not intend to partake at this time.

[Flarecobra]

I got a message from a friend saying he's making "Baby black ribs" and I want to know what drinks are approprate. It's just a typo. He ment Baby back ribs

[Magus]

Dear Smarty,

What are your thoughts on ascots, bolo ties, cravats, and other non-standard neckwear?

[CABAL49]

So I was at this park right? And all of a sudden this girl walks by. She's got a nice ass so I check it out. I then realize she is a he. And he is me.

[Magus]

So I was at this park right? And all of a sudden this girl walks by. She's got a nice ass so I check it out. I then realize she is a he. And he is me.

Not to steal Smarty's thunder: quit wearing girl jeans.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Dear Smarty,

What are your thoughts on ascots, bolo ties, cravats, and other non-standard neckwear?

Before applying said neckware check the building for appropriate fire exits and accessways. The brilliant radiance of your accessory will block about 5 metres in diameter both in bedazzled spectators and excess foldage. As long as this circumference of mirth will not endager those around you I can approve most heartily.
All colours are appropriate but stick to pale blended shades unless its a wedding.

I got a message from a friend saying he's making "Baby black ribs" and I want to know what drinks are approprate.

There are many schools of thought on the appropriate dispensment of drinks and food and their mixing factors. To avoid controversy, however, stick to the classics and bring a hearty merlot- otherwise known as the blood of our saviour, amen.
If however you know anglicans will be in attendance you should water down the wine before, I recommend 4 parts wine, 1 parts water so they do not get overly offended.
If there are Lutherans, however, you should skip the party all together for Lutherans are notorious busybodies.


So I was at this park right? And all of a sudden this girl walks by. She's got a nice ass so I check it out. I then realize she is a he. And he is me.
When one enters the grand hall of inquisitorial combat it is most impolite to not partake in the rules and to instead twiddle your thumbs on the sideline. In the argot that means you should ask questions when required and not disguise statements as questions. It is most rude.

[Flarecobra]

What if they're not religious?

[Mr.Bookworm]

It is best not to do it to her face as this can have various legal and societal ramifications. Find the pimp and explain your predicament but emphasise your willingness to pursue further opportunities that he tables. It is polite to allow him to show off some of his other wares- even if you do not intend to partake at this time.

Is it impolite to ask to sample the merchandise?

[Kyanbu The Legend]

Smarty what are your thoughts on Sunglasses as a fashion statement?

[Aldurin]

What obscure references aren't appropriate during a conversation with British royalty?

[BitVyper]

How long of a silence is considered appropriate before looting a fallen party member's corpse? On a related matter; is it considered rude to empty a party member's equipment slots before starting a scripted sequence in which you know they will die?

[Odjn]

What obscure references aren't appropriate during a conversation with British royalty?

Jokes pertaining to the level of amusement of certain ancestresses are most unwelcome, as are references to crude television programmes that refer to said japes. To expand further in a blunt manner, avoid Oliver Cromwell, the Irish, and the entire House of Lords.


How long of a silence is considered appropriate before looting a fallen party member's corpse? On a related matter; is it considered rude to empty a party member's equipment slots before starting a scripted sequence in which you know they will die?

The silence shall proportional to the time passing between your comrade's passing and the commencement of your revenge upon the foe; the larger the gap, the longer the silence. If the foe should escape, one should disdain all frivolous pastimes until the dastard is slain in place of an appropriate silence.

For the matter of your fallen friend's possessions, ask yourself this; if I were to be most uncouthly cut down like a filthy peasant before a charming knight errant, would I desire my kin to strip me to my undergarments and toss me into a bush? If this is agreeable behavior, feel free to strip the corpse immediately for your short term pleasure until more desirable implements are available twenty to thirty minutes after the burial.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

What if they're not religious?

One should not avoid meat products when eating alongside the godless. There is no way to check that the cultural requirements of sacrifice have been obtained and thus you risk a major faux pas.
If you are to partake anyway you should take a drink that cannot suitably make up its mind and hope they get the hint- a light ginger ale should do fine.

Is it impolite to ask to sample the merchandise?
Yes but stick to the safezones- the knees and the elbows.

Smarty what are your thoughts on Sunglasses as a fashion statement?
Are you A) TopGun B) A detective who doesn't play by the rules or C) A drug dealer. If yes then acceptable. If no stay away.
3D glasses, however, will add a whole new dimension to your fun.

What obscure references aren't appropriate during a conversation with British royalty?
Avoid any references to anything past 1688- its full of foreigners and catholics. Pickle jokes are your best bet.

How long of a silence is considered appropriate before looting a fallen party member's corpse? On a related matter; is it considered rude to empty a party member's equipment slots before starting a scripted sequence in which you know they will die?

A) 10 rounds to make sure he is dead and not just in negatives.
B) How do you know this fact? Are you Jesus? Because I can't give Jesus advice.

[BitVyper]

The silence shall proportional to the time passing between your comrade's passing and the commencement of your revenge upon the foe; the larger the gap, the longer the silence. If the foe should escape, one should disdain all frivolous pastimes until the dastard is slain in place of an appropriate silence.

For the matter of your fallen friend's possessions, ask yourself this; if I were to be most uncouthly cut down like a filthy peasant before a charming knight errant, would I desire my kin to strip me to my undergarments and toss me into a bush? If this is agreeable behavior, feel free to strip the corpse immediately for your short term pleasure until more desirable implements are available twenty to thirty minutes after the burial.

You're the guy we always had to distract or knock out before doing something morally questionable, aren't you.

Are you Jesus? Because I can't give Jesus advice.

What if he asks you? Are you saying that if Jesus asked you for advice, you would tell him no?

[Magus]

You're the guy we always had to distract or knock out before doing something morally questionable, aren't you.



What if he asks you? Are you saying that if Jesus asked you for advice, you would tell him no?

Of course you couldn't.

Heck, Jesus went around asking people to baptize him. Man-God doesn't take no for an answer, either.

[Seil]

When is it best to get drunk, and what are the rules for being drunk in public?

[Odjn]

You're the guy we always had to distract or knock out before doing something morally questionable, aren't you.

Of course not my good man, I merely prefer to be polite when I plunder. Whilst my companion lies in need of transportation six feet below, I purchase for a mere pittance suitable funeral garb and clothe them appropriately, keeping in mind while preparing them for their last rest that many adventurers hide small magical devices amongst their persons, even in crevices that I shall not mention for the sake of politeness.

After I have said my goodbyes and ensured their former trinkets have also departed from their former master or mistress's presence, I proceed to the nearest tavern where I engage in mourning with the populace, making sure that no man or woman is without drink or the company of a person of negotiable affection if that is their desire. After all, the small sums required for such festivities are covered by my dearly missed friend, whose curios shall fetch prices a thousand times more than my expenses.

If one cannot strip one's companion's corpse of all wordly good without style, then I sir do not wish to do it.

[The SSB Intern]

Smarty: Is it truly "bros before hos"?

I have heard differing accounts on this matter and I think your perspective would help.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

What if he asks you? Are you saying that if Jesus asked you for advice, you would tell him no?
Jesus has nothing that I can teach him for religous figures lie outside the convential rules of etiquette. Etiquette relies upon the give and take of social foray but Jesus, for example, is our Lord and Father and thus is not on the same social level as anyone and cannot sufficiently take part in an even exchange of functions.
There is an important lesson in here. If you ever find yourself at a party with a major religious figure it is polite to do what he says and to serve at his discretion. While you may feel belittled now you will solidify your social bedrock in a way unparalled by convential means.
While convential wisdom would tell you the same rules apply for your social betters, the current trend of go-getterism proves important to remember and if your social opponent is not a major god on planes unimaginable but a human on a level you could conceivably reach you are better off trying to spar with him. If you win glory abounds, if you lose your playful, overexaggerated acceptance of your loss shall win you more fans among your victors hated rivals.

When is it best to get drunk, and what are the rules for being drunk in public?
The best time to get drunk is before an important event where you are meeting new people- such as a first date or a job interview. The increased confidence and loosened tongue shall serve you well. You should always get dressed for said occassion before getting drunk however.
The rules for being drunk are byzantine and ever shifting. Here is a simple rule- drunkness is more acceptable as the part of the town you are in gets either richer or poorer. If everyone is wearing monocles or cutoff gloves you are fine. If everyone is wearing jeans you are in the dangerzone. I like to live in harbour cities where the rich/poor harbour part of town is downhill towards the harbour. Thus as I lose motor function I slowly drift into acceptability.


Smarty: Is it truly "bros before hos"?

I have heard differing accounts on this matter and I think your perspective would help.

An outrageous questions. One should always cater to ones bros before ones hos. If ones hos are in conflict with ones bros one should dump the hos.
The only technicality comes if ones bros are also ones hos. In this case you should start moving them clearly into either bro or ho territory through exclusive denial of nonbro/ho access as appropriate.

[Ecks]

Yo smarty my brother is a douche and never cleans the bathroom I have to do it and he's a fucking pig do I shove his face in the toilet or something?

Also this is the best thread ever.

[BitVyper]

Jesus has nothing that I can teach him for religous figures lie outside the convential rules of etiquette. Etiquette relies upon the give and take of social foray but Jesus, for example, is our Lord and Father and thus is not on the same social level as anyone and cannot sufficiently take part in an even exchange of functions.
There is an important lesson in here. If you ever find yourself at a party with a major religious figure it is polite to do what he says and to serve at his discretion. While you may feel belittled now you will solidify your social bedrock in a way unparalled by convential means.

Okay, but what if Jesus is at, say, a social also attended by the Buddha, Odin, and Brahma. What sort of rules apply there? Also, if I happen to be in attendance at this hypothetical event, how do I distribute my own attentions? What if, for instance, Jesus politely asks me to get him another drink, but Odin suddenly starts a discussion about horses before I can get away? Who do I make wait?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Okay, but what if Jesus is at, say, a social also attended by the Buddha, Odin, and Brahma. What sort of rules apply there? Also, if I happen to be in attendance at this hypothetical event, how do I distribute my own attentions? What if, for instance, Jesus politely asks me to get him another drink, but Odin suddenly starts a discussion about horses before I can get away? Who do I make wait?

Such a situation is fraught with difficulty as most attendees will have somewhat of a valid claim for precedence. Why not make the situation into a game that is fun for the whole family. Have a resurrection contest! Play pin the heathens to the cross! Have a new game for every party. It's also a great icebreaker and will kick your party into first gear.

Yo smarty my brother is a douche and never cleans the bathroom I have to do it and he's a fucking pig do I shove his face in the toilet or something?

Also this is the best thread ever.

Traditional etiquette guides suggest that if he uses the toilet as a bin as you should use the bin in his room as a toilet. However I find passive aggresive game playing to be particularly petty and not befitting an upstanding gentleman like yourself. Aggressive aggressive gameplaying is fair game, however, so whenever he goes to eat steal his food and throw it on the toilet floor and make him eat it alongside any stray fecal matter that he has neglected to clean/that you have tactfully placed there. He will get the message fairly quickly.