Free Health Advice!

[batgirl]

In which Batgirl, the ninja paramedic, answers all of your medical related questions! Want to know about diseases? I can tell you! Want the cure for the common cold? I've got it in my back pocket! Need to know what drugs you can mix with vodka? All of them at once! Call today!

Disclaimer: Batgirl cannot be responsible for any side effects of any treatments she recommends, or any treatments not working or making you worse. Batgirl is not responsible for any of the following happening to you: Vomiting, Diarrhea, Death, Maiming, Male Pregnancy, Anal Leakage, Prolapsed Anything, and any other random symptoms that may arise.

[Geminex]

Dear Batgirl

I think there is a small creature living in my knee. I don't know how to get it out!
Please help.

Love, Geminex

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Dear Batgirl
How do I tell if I'm a boy or a girl?
Thanks
Smar2y

[Osterbaum]

I have a serious question, which while it isn't strictly speaking a health question, it's something you most likely know the answer to.

How do you put a nasopharyngeal tube (I believe that's the what nenäonteloputki is in english) on a patient?

e: Actually, while we're at it: In a case of pressure pneumothorax (again, I think that's the correct term but I'm not sure) between which ribs do you stick the needle?

[batgirl]

Dear Batgirl

I think there is a small creature living in my knee. I don't know how to get it out!
Please help.

Love, Geminex

Self surgery is the only answer! Grab a scalpel and a bottle of schnapps and have fun!

Dear Batgirl
How do I tell if I'm a boy or a girl?
Thanks
Smar2y

Punch yourself in the privates and see if it hurts.

I have a serious question, which while it isn't strictly speaking a health question, it's something you most likely know the answer to.

How do you put a nasopharyngeal tube (I believe that's the what nenäonteloputki is in english) on a patient?

e: Actually, while we're at it: In a case of pressure pneumothorax (again, I think that's the correct term but I'm not sure) between which ribs do you stick the needle?


Serious answer: Measure the airway from the nostril to the earlobe. Put it in some water based lubricant or use the patient's own spit, the bevel (pointy part) stays towards the septum of the nose and insert slowly.

It's called a Tension pneumothorax actually, and you stick the needle in the second intercostal space between the second and third rib.

[Aldurin]

Warts. What works? I swear these things must draw from the last trace bits of adamantium in my body. I should clarify that surgery is off the table (for now).

[batgirl]

Warts. What works? I swear these things must draw from the last trace bits of adamantium in my body. I should clarify that surgery is off the table (for now).

Hm...Isn't there some kind of freezing procedure that you can get done? You freeze them and they fall off?

[Donomni]

So, I got this extra, brownish layer of hard, flaky skin on various spots of my arms and legs. The dermatologist believes I have eczema(Might be how it's spelled?)... but is it really?

Kinda skeptical, since they really wanted me to buy cream and moisturizer directly from them. I'd rather not have to apply various creams to my skin everyday forever until I die. :(

[Menarker]

Hm...Isn't there some kind of freezing procedure that you can get done? You freeze them and they fall off?

Yeah, I had that procedure before. That said, it was many many years ago and they probably have evolved the practice since then.

[CABAL49]

I've been on fire for the last three days. Tips?

[Sifright]

I appear to bleed from cuts which spontaneously appear on my hands and feet and then seal before my eyes, How can i stop this from happening?

Sincerely a man tired of cleaning up sudden blood loss

[batgirl]

So, I got this extra, brownish layer of hard, flaky skin on various spots of my arms and legs. The dermatologist believes I have eczema(Might be how it's spelled?)... but is it really?

Kinda skeptical, since they really wanted me to buy cream and moisturizer directly from them. I'd rather not have to apply various creams to my skin everyday forever until I die.

It's possible, but I'm not sure. Is it itchy?

I've been on fire for the last three days. Tips?

Bathtub full of kerosene is the cure.

I appear to bleed from cuts which spontaneously appear on my hands and feet and then seal before my eyes, How can i stop this from happening?

You have stigmata, you're jesus. Die for our sins already!

[Osterbaum]

Serious answer: Measure the airway from the nostril to the earlobe. Put it in some water based lubricant or use the patient's own spit, the bevel (pointy part) stays towards the septum of the nose and insert slowly.
I recall something about putting it in curve upwards first and then once it's a short way in, turn it around so that it goes in curve down, is that right?

We were never told to use any lubrication, but since it was only CLS (Combat Life Saver) training, it wasn't that extensive; just the most common treatable combat injuries that you can treat on location to such a degree that the patient survives until further medical care. Maybe the instructors figured there's no time for lubrication in that situation? I don't know. Good to know you can use the patients own spit though.

It's called a Tension pneumothorax actually, and you stick the needle in the second intercostal space between the second and third rib.
Right, I just used google translate on the finnish term. Damn those ribs are hard to feel. Maybe I have too much fat! Any tips on how to best find the find the space between the second and third rib?

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

I can barely breath out of my left nostril, and it's a fair bit smaller than the right nostril.
Is this like, normal? Or should I have done something about this years ago?

[akaSM]

Serious answer: Measure the airway from the nostril to the earlobe. Put it in some water based lubricant or use the patient's own spit, the bevel (pointy part) stays towards the septum of the nose and insert slowly.

It's called a Tension pneumothorax actually, and you stick the needle in the second intercostal space between the second and third rib.

Also, if your patient is conscious, you have to tell him/her about 3 rules that he/she must follow while you're putting the tube in:


Don't pull off the tube
Don't talk
Don't scream


The patient will feel the tube as it moves and it might even hurt a little and, as soon as the tube reaches the oropharynx, (i.e., you can see it in the back of the mouth) you can wait a little because the patient will get some gag reflex, after he/she's ok, you have to tell him/her to focus on swallowing and swallowing only not on "OMG IMMA PUKE" or "wot, something's going through my throat". Just. Swallow.

I recall something about putting it in curve upwards first and then once it's a short way in, turn it around so that it goes in curve down, is that right?

We were never told to use any lubrication, but since it was only CLS (Combat Life Saver) training, it wasn't that extensive; just the most common treatable combat injuries that you can treat on location to such a degree that the patient survives until further medical care. Maybe the instructors figured there's no time for lubrication in that situation? I don't know. Good to know you can use the patients own spit though

The curve thing, I cannot remember something like that.

Hmm, I remember being told to use lube BUT, that was in a "you're in a hospital, use what you need" environment so yeah.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

I think telling your patient not to scream might cause them to panic a bit more than they would otherwise.

[akaSM]

I can barely breath out of my left nostril, and it's a fair bit smaller than the right nostril.
Is this like, normal? Or should I have done something about this years ago?

Of course it is normal.

http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/6610/48c14fec8530585b10a8c69.jpg

I think telling your patient not to scream might cause them to panic a bit more than they would otherwise.

Well, while I haven't had the opportunity to use a nasopharyngeal tube, I was told that many doctors underestimate how annoying/weird having a nasopharyngeal tube for some people. So, you have to tell them that it's gonna be annoying/hurt instead of just telling them that nothing's gonna happen. Something like this:

"Ok Mr Patient, we have to use a nasopharyngeal tube because of REASONS, while I'm putting it in, it may feel weird or even hurt a bit so, I need you to help me by not pulling the tube out, talking or screaming"

OTOH, maybe "screaming" isn't the right word *gets dictionary*

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

"Ok Mr Patient, we have to use a nasopharyngeal tube because of REASONS, while I'm putting it in, it may feel weird or even hurt a bit so, I need you to help me by not pulling the tube out, talking or screaming"

OTOH, maybe "screaming" isn't the right word *gets dictionary*

It's not that I don't think you should warn people that it will feel weird and that they should stay quiet, but using "Do not scream" makes them think "Wait why would I want to scream?"
It's like when your dentist leans down with the drill in his hand and says "This won't hurt a bit"
WELL THANKS FUCKER
THAT RELAXES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

[akaSM]

It's not that I don't think you should warn people that it will feel weird and that they should stay quiet, but using "Do not scream" makes them think "Wait why would I want to scream?"
It's like when your dentist leans down with the drill in his hand and says "This won't hurt a bit"
WELL THANKS FUCKER
THAT RELAXES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

It seems having several meanings associated with 1 word does interesting things. In this case, gritar which stands for yelling, shouting, screaming, and other things where you make loud noises with your mouth.

Let's just say that you don't want your patient to make loud noises ::V:

OTOH, you know the dentist's drill is gonna hurt and that the dentist is a liar for saying otherwise and OHGODICANHEARTHEDRILLWITHMYSKULL :crying:

[Shyria Dracnoir]

Hey Batgirl, generally speaking, how long can a person survive after having their entire skeleton removed?

[Osterbaum]

Also, if your patient is conscious, you have to tell him/her about 3 rules that he/she must follow while you're putting the tube in:
Don't pull off the tube
Don't talk
Don't scream
We only ever really covered a situation where the patient is unconscious and we were otherwise unable to keep the airways open while treating a wound etc. We basically studied to treat cABC-de, with an emphasis on the c, to an extent that is possible during combat, making it viable to move the patient so that they survive until reaching a field hospital or medical personnel.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

Also my nostril question was serious as fuck.
Not medically a serious condition I mean it's a thing that happens with my nose and I'm not really sure what's up with that. It only takes in like half the air the other nostril can

[Osterbaum]

I actually seem to have nose congestion around the year, fairly often but not all the time. I was tested for allergies once, years ago, but nothing.

[batgirl]

Oster: Oropharangeal airways are turned, nasals aren't to my knowledge. Lube is good, we do have some on the ambulance though ask me where and I couldn't tell you. Spit is good, since naso airways don't move nice when dry.

K-Resh: Could be a deviated septum, it's really not life threatening and is fairly common. It can cause nosebleeds too fairly often. Best thing to do is to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor and he'll either prescribe you meds, or direct you to get a septoplasty, a simple 1hr minor surgical procedure that will correct it.

Shirya: About 42 minutes.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Punch yourself in the privates and see if it hurts.



It didn't but I'm super staunch.

[Thadius]

Dear Batgirl,

I suspect a wizard has removed my heart and replaced with a vastly inferior one.

How do I find this wizard and how am I supposed to replace my heart once I find it?

Sincerly,
Heartless.

[akaSM]

I suspect a wizard has removed my heart and replaced with a vastly inferior one.

That explains everything.

[Donomni]

It's possible, but I'm not sure. Is it itchy?

Not really. Actually, I seem to get itches from everywhere but those spots.

[Aldurin]

I'm worried about the reported risks of cancer from repeated medigun exposure, especially during ubercharges. Which medigun has the lowest risk of cancer so I can recommend it to my medic?

[BitVyper]

I'm worried about the reported risks of cancer from repeated medigun exposure, especially during ubercharges. Which medigun has the lowest risk of cancer so I can recommend it to my medic?

Get him to use a http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/BitVyper/Megatron.jpg

Warts. What works? I swear these things must draw from the last trace bits of adamantium in my body. I should clarify that surgery is off the table (for now).

See above.

[BitVyper]

I have too many chips and not enough cola. What do I do?

[Sky Warrior Bob]

Hey, you giving out any medical advice here (even lousy advice), or should I hold my tounge?

[TDK]

What if her medical advice is that you should hold your tongue?

THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS

[Kyanbu The Legend]

Lately I've been shape shifting into random objects and people. What can I take to stop this?

[batgirl]

Donomi: You're slowly turning into a dragon, that is all.

Alduin: Mediguns are so silly, a good old needle and scalpel is all you need.

Bob: I'm not really sure what the deal is, but this is all in good fun. I'm not a doctor and clearly can't answer all these questions seriously. The ones I can, I do. So my advice might be "lousy" in some cases, but I don't see how you can't tell they're jokes.

That goes for everyone really: This is a FUN thread. If you all have actual medical questions, feel free to ask them and I'll try to answer them, but the real answer is to see your doctor.

BitVyper: Buy more chips clearly.

Kyanbu: Mix 3 parts bleach to 1 part nothing, and drink, you should be fine.

[Sifright]

You have stigmata, you're jesus. Die for our sins already!

I've tried several different methods of this approach they all end with a bright white light filling the room and me being alive again do you have any suggestions on how I could circumvent this?

[batgirl]

I've tried several different methods of this approach they all end with a bright white light filling the room and me being alive again do you have any suggestions on how I could circumvent this?

I suggest delving into the relms of demon worship.

[Sifright]

I suggest delving into the relms of demon worship.

I've played both DnD and computer games. Do you have any other suggestions?

[BitVyper]

Go to Rome.

[Donomni]

Donomi: You're slowly turning into a dragon, that is all.

Oh... uh, I don't think that's-

That goes for everyone really: This is a FUN thread. If you all have actual medical questions, feel free to ask them and I'll try to answer them, but the real answer is to see your doctor.

So, Eczema forever or being a dragon?

...fuck it, I'll breath fire and hoard treasure.

[Seil]

Dear Batgirl,

I'm a fat hobo. I would like to be a skinny hobo. With the lack of tools available to me due to my hobo nature, I felt I would never acheive my dream. Well, today is hobo payday and I want to give myself an (obviously) amateur liposuction.

How would I go about that?

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Dear Batgirl, I seem to have developed the ability to shoot fire from my hands, and can suddenly move objects with my mind. How should I deal with this?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I found someone to buy me booze. I'm now going on 5 nights in a row of drunkness. And how many can I go before death.

[batgirl]

I've played both DnD and computer games. Do you have any other suggestions?

There's a book called the Necronomicon, I suggest reading it.

Seil: Ok, this is a bit of a challenge, but I think I have a good way. Find yourself the rustiest sharp piece of metal you can find. Disinfect an area on your belly with your own spit, then jab the metal in there to make a nice hose. Insert a turkey baster with the top off and attach a garden hose to the open end with some duct tape. And then, just like siphoning gas, inhale sharply on the other end of the hose. Once the fat begins draining, you're golden!

Hawk: Either use your powers for good, or became a raging lunatic bent on world domination, your choice!