Smarty Reads the Newspaper

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Sitting in the consulate waiting room- got me internet, got me the i which is a fairly solid newspaper- so here is what I think.

"John D Rockefeller is remember as a great philanthropist"- It's pretty easy to be a philanthropist when you are the third richest person of all time.

"John Whaite a law student from Manchester was the unexpected victor in yesterday's Great British Bake Off final"- Man you have already taken all our money and propogated a legal system based around vast inequality and has its tenants built into propogating this system, don't take our popular culture. He looks like a total dweeb too.

"Bill Clinton slams Mitt Romney's tax plans" Man if I want economic advice I'm going to look to the person who signed in Commodity Futures and Leach-\Biley

"Ehud Barak anounces plan to recruit Ultra-Orthodox students into the army" I'm turning around on Israel- it is totally a modern art project- they seeing how patently evil they can be before anyone calls them out. Currentely they are somewhere between Dick Dastardly and Blofield.

"Police give memory stick containing unecrypted names of informants to gangland kingpins" I paraphased that one a bit.

"Scots, Flemish, and Catalan nationalism on the rise" Because deep down we all want to murder our neighbours.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

Smarty, how could you miss this one?; "Lancashire police taser blind man, mistaking his cane for a sword."


That one was a goody.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

You have caught me in my lie- you guys should know I can't read.

[Magus]

Don't actually get a paper so substituting in the homepage of the New York Times:

"Campaigns Raise Focus on Women" Always thinking up new ways to lie to women's faces while disenfranchising them behind their back, those campaigners.

"Bloomberg Starts a 'Super Pac'" God knows these multi-millionaires shouldn't have to spend any of their own money on this shit. Ask Romney--guy's got 300 million and I think he's spent zero on anything to do with this election. He must really believe in himself.

"Colombia Tries Again to End Drug-Fed War" "Colombia Tries Again to Wipe Itself Off Face of Earth while America laughs"

"Mormons and [Boy] Scouts, in Tandem, Turn Boys to Men" Nothing says turning to manhood like being raped, after all.

"Man Held in Plot to Blow Up Federal Reserve Bank" I assume this Bangladeshi man will be the new poster-boy for the Republican party tomorrow, right?

"Denial Slipping Away as War Racks Damascus" I think the average American can deny this thing is happening ("Or be totally ignorant of its existence!" said 50% of the population, pithily) until it reaches 250,000 deaths, easily. Oh, wait, this was referring to the Assad regime's denial they are in a full-fledged war, I think? I dunno, I didn't read this shit, NY Times decided they should lock their shit behind an absurd paywall, because clearly when consumers said they didn't want to pay for their print edition, what they really meant was they wanted to pay the same price for an online edition.

[McTahr]

"Mormons and [Boy] Scouts, in Tandem, Turn Boys to Men" Nothing says turning to manhood like being raped, after all.

Pretty sure there was a memorandum* on rape jokes at some point, so how about let's not make them, 'kay?

*in the sense that we decided that they were in poor taste, uncouth, and really, really not something we want to continue seeing link (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=42013) link (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=42070) yes the second one is referring to rape as a metaphor but really it's still a pretty serious thing

From our university paper:
"Faculty raises to lead to tuition increase" - Because it certainly could never be the fault of the bumbling, condescending administration and the overspending on sports and stadiums, and the fact that tuition increases are driving more and more students away, costing the university more than they earn, so let's blame the faculty and pump the students for the fix. (The faculty never bargained for / requested a raise, just updated contracts, there was like, a strike and shit and people are still bitter, including me.)

"Greek row housing to be moved back on campus for unity" - Hey, they had a cramped building where they all slept in the same general sleeping bunk area. Nothing says unity like shacking up with twenty+ other people, amirite?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

"Hilary Mantel wins second booker prize" Because Downton Abbey is only on TV one day a week.

"Earth-like planet found orbiting Alpha Centurai"- Expect Nuclear fusion in 2050

"UK urged to stop funding Rwanda genocide"- Just keeping our hand in says Britain.

[Magus]

That was a joke? I was mostly commenting on the Mormon church's penchant for rape combined with numerous news stories about Boy Scout troop leaders raping their wards. But okay, I'll just avoid it entirely in the future...I don't want to appear flippant.

[RobinStarwing]

Scroll on CNN.

"Turkey Police crack down on Kurds."

My first image was turkeys in police hats and night sticks beating on Cheese Curds when my mother read it off.

[Osterbaum]

You have caught me in my lie- you guys should know I can't read.
So how are you writing then?

[Professor Smarmiarty]

I dictate to my secretary obviously

[Magus]

"National Guard Troops in Hoboken to Rescue Thousands" Finally, the government is rescuing people from the hellhole that is Hoboken.

Wait, it's because of a hurricane? Not just their general lives in Hoboken?

[Revising Ocelot]

I always thought of Hoboken as some kind of Street Fighter maneuver for homeless tramps.