stupid things we do to ourselves that we secretly enjoy

[synkr0nized]

Hmm, that thread title is probably ambiguous enough that at least a few of you have some smart-ass or lewd responses ready. Have at it. Like, hey, I drink, but I shouldn't, but fuck it I do it a lot anyway!!



Do you have any habits or things you tend to do that you know will affect you emotionally or physically in a bad way but that you do anyway? Have you ever felt that maybe you like beating yourself up or putting yourself in that state? Rather than ramble on about what I mean*, let me just give an example.

*[I feel that sometimes, when considering creating an opening post for a thread, my mastery over the English language is that of a grade school-er fumbling for words, any words, to get some half-assed idea across. I've had this kind of conversation with close friends in person and gotten the idea across just fine, but admittedly in that setting I have the benefit of body language and their familiarity with me to help.]


I used to actively collect Anime Music Videos. I don't do that too much anymore, though I still keep my eyes open for good ones (there are plenty of horrid ones out there, many of which are probably in my collection if I'm honest). While I love videos that are well-edited and visually engaging, I have always been a sucker for videos that do well in pairing lyric to visual. This appreciation extends to comedy or action equally as it does to romance or drama. I am doubly happy when the source material is a show I really enjoyed or focuses on a character or characters I really liked or empathized with when watching.

Often, I will watch a bunch of these as I try to wind-down for the night and head to bed or if I just feel like killing some time in front of the computer later at night.

What is "stupid" of me is that I will often purposefully watch the ones that have resonated emotionally with me and made me sad or similar.

You may think it's stupid because I am getting sad over someone's pairing of song to a cartoon. That may be fair. I once (in the sense that it motivated me to talk about it, not that I don't anymore) felt strongly about emotional reactions to anime as a medium; I wanted to share these feelings but was too much of a coward to put it out there for anyone to read. So I made a hidden page on my website at the time ("A Writing on Emotions and Their Targets: What is real?") and left it up there for many months. Over time, a few friends and online contacts had found it and read it, and to this day I remain undecided on if I am embarrassed knowing that at least a couple of them still have a copy of that or glad that they decided to hold onto it (though I suspect one of them of keeping it in mockery of me). In any case, I am a sucker for this kind of shit, and I don't feel bad at all for allowing myself these reactions.

What I think is stupid is that I know how I get and still watch some of these on purpose. Like, I enjoy making myself sad? I don't know. I do know that despite my tendency to approach things from a logical perspective, not seeing the point in being angry about A or upset when B happens or whatever, I am actually quite an emotional, albeit introverted and aloof about it, person. In any case, anger and frustration are not emotions I like to seek out. so I don't. I wouldn't consider myself thrilled about being sad, but yet I don't mind seeking that out at times.

A good friend of mine once told me that sometimes we all just need a good cry. Maybe that's part of it.


Like I implied, I sometimes feel stupid making opening posts, and I am sure this is a good example of why. But I felt like sharing.

And I am curious if there are things you do that you feel your probably shouldn't but you enjoy doing anyway.

[Bells]

Well... i'm chubby.

I mean, i like to eat and i don't exercise as much as i should (although i do exercise). In my whole life i was never thin. never. But i can be slimmer than i am today, and i wish to be. However i also love to snack, make new dishes and deserts, and i eat when i get anxious or nervous or upset and too focused (if im writing or editing something, i'm usually snacking). Those are all bad things, but i enjoy it... i wouldn't do it if i didn't.

As for weird and stupid things... i collect cables and connectors.

Seriously.

I got frustrated when i wanted to connect X to Y and there was always a cable i didn't have or a connector i didn't had to fix it... so, now that i have some cash, i have a drawer in my room that is full of connectors and cables. I can plug in anything on anything else and there isn't a socket in the face of this earth i can't plug my stuff into.

[pochercoaster]

It seems like there is such cultural stigma towards certain emotions that to display them comes with a risk of being labeled stupid or something similarly pejorative. There seems to be an aversion to dealing with passive emotions, emotions that suggest a lack of control or power (contrast this to anger which, while not wholly socially acceptable, certainly seems to be much more prominently displayed). Coincidentally the other day I learned the phrase distress tolerance and while I'm not familiar with the usage of the term in practical psychology I can guess at its meaning and conclude that overall we are culturally severely lacking in it. Rather than accept something for what it is we* are compelled to do something about it and in that doing often make things worse.

I think it is quite normal, healthy, and not at all stupid to seek out things that make you feel sad. It's part of being human, especially an introverted human :P

I generally don't like to put it out here that I'm an abuse survivor, but I am, and so be it. The weird thing is after I got away from my abusers is I sought out upsetting material. It bothered me because I was worried I was being judged because I hadn't "gotten over it" or I was "dwelling" or what-have-you instead of being ~*~PERFECT SUPERWOMAN SURVIVOR WITH RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE AND PEP TALKS AND INSPIRATION AND HAPPINESS YEEEAH~*~ like some people expect survivors to be. And I started worrying that I must be wrong in the head if I kept seeking out upsetting stories or music or whatever and then I somewhat recently realized that it was okay because that's how I process abuse, by reliving those experiences in a safe environment that I can control. So I still do that in smallish doses, depending on whether or not there's important practical matters I need to attend to, and it can kind of mess up my day and leave me feeling a bit crumpled up but also feeling much better and more capable the next day.

*by we I mean society in general

[synkr0nized]

Well

You are probably correct in your assessment re: negative cultural stigmas, but I'd honestly attribute that to me and my own wording more than anything, for the purposes of that post/this thread.

edit: but I suppose you could circle that back to the same point, eventually, anyway, whatevs

[Amake]

I like to spend days playing old videogames, repeating the same actions I've done dozens of times before, for the comforting feeling of knowing I'm able to defeat the challenges those long dead programmers meant for people to be able to defeat. It's so nice to be given these rules to follow, as opposed to opening a blank page to get any work done.

Watching sad movies is much more defensible I think. For one thing, there could be a difference in the way you interpret sadness from a sad cartoon and from sad things that really happen which could help you make sense of the latter.

[Revising Ocelot]

stupid things we do to ourselves that we secretly enjoy

I'm having a hard time thinking of things I do to myself that aren't stupid.

[Aerozord]

I have enough hardship, sadness, and suffering in my actual life to need to seek it in my media. Drama doesn't bother me because of empathy but because it reminds me of my own depressing life.

Though if we are talking about just generally. I attempt to still be sociable even in hostile environments, such as this forum, because being around people that hate and look down upon you is still better than having no one at all.

[Kyanbu The Legend]

I use to sometimes intensionally do things the hard way. Just for the sake of a challenge. Been getting a bit better at not doing that now a days.

[Locke cole]

They say it's harder to break a habit than to continue doing it.

[Solid Snake]

Here's an exceptionally ludicrous one:

I have something I call 'imagination overdrive.' I am not sure whether it's something I alone have or if it's something everyone has and I just overindulge in it, or if it's something common in folks with Asperger's or some other hypothetical disorder. But it's something I have and while I enjoy it, its effect throughout my life has been rather destructive.

I have an imagination that's so overactive that, when listening to certain forms of music (and music almost always has to be involved), I can find myself caught directing imaginary scenes in my mind -- ranging from introductory OPs to theoretical animated videos and videogames I wish I could create, to scenes from a movie I wish I could direct or a novel that I'm writing, to whatevs the fucks I want, really. I'm really not sure how vivid this is in comparison to other people's imaginations -- it's possible that my imagination isn't special and I'm really just excessively indulging an average imagination beyond a point most others would. But it's vivid, man. And it requires a specific set of conditions to replicate or my imagination isn't nearly as powerful, which is where it all gets hella weird.

This imagination overdrive seems to be stimulated through repetitive movement, because I have to constantly rock my head back and forth and move to propagate the overdrive. I know this sounds really fucking strange but if I stand perfectly still the overdrive won't activate and my imagination is stuck in crappy subpar daydream mode. Maybe my cerebellum just has to be engaged to ensure the effect.

With the right song, repetitive movement, no external intrusions, and headphones (merely playing the song through speakers is not as conducive), no drugs or other artificial inputs are necessary. I'm gone.

Where this becomes problematic is that Snake's Imaginary Overdrive move is fucking addictive. More addictive than videogames, more addictive than web browsing. It can drain a full hour of my day if I let it, though it tends to be more something I indulge in more than once a day in fifteen to twenty minute bursts.

The ability to retreat into an overactive imagination that is capable of deceiving me into directing a theoretical videogame or movie is incredibly useful until I realize that it's all just in my head, and I lack whatever practical tools to actually take that art in my mind and translate it into something anyone else could enjoy. Then it all becomes hella depressing, because I've just spent a half hour selfishly weaving a tapestry of no actual merit.

While on occasion, these sessions have stimulated great ideas for a novel, more often than not it's just pure escapism. I've also been told by family members who've walked in on me as I'm 'dancing' (which is the kind way to describe it) that it looks hella fucking stupid. I've been a bit weary of listening to music in public -- say, while taking the Metro -- because I'll sometimes almost subconsciously slip into Imagination Overdrive if the right song's on and I have nothing else to engage me. It's something I've lived with for as long as I can remember, and in my worst moments it's led me to wonder if there's something seriously fucking wrong with me because I haven't met anyone else who can remotely relate to what I've described.

THE END

[Amake]

It sounds a lot like my creative process Snake, except I don't use music. I just go inside my own head and live out the stories, pretty much experiencing them as vividly as your average REM dreams. Some of these stories you may later have read. I do it whenever I have brain power to spare, usually when I'm waiting for the bus or waiting to fall asleep. I did this for a good thirteen or fourteen years before I had developed enough of a continuous story that I couldn't resist trying to put it on paper, and since then that's been my life's goal.

So no, I think it's not just you, and I don't think it's a waste of time.

[Solid Snake]

It sounds a lot like my creative process Snake, except I don't use music. I just go inside my own head and live out the stories, some of which you may later have read. I do it whenever I have brain power to spare, usually when I'm waiting for the bus or waiting to fall asleep. I did this for a good thirteen or fourteen years before I had developed enough of a continuous story that I couldn't resist trying to put it on paper, and since then that's been my life's goal.

So no, I think it's not just you, and I don't think it's a waste of time.

It is, though, because in my case a vast majority of Imagination Overdrive episodes don't actually center around projects I'd have any chance (or even any interest, really) in creating or consummating. It's not part of a 'creative process,' it's pure escapism into an impractical alternate reality.

And it doesn't follow a single consistent narrative; over the years it has attached itself to all kinds of things, from random Youtube video-esque ideas ("Wouldn't it be cool if I could animate a Youtube video that was a fake trailer for a videogame called 'Phoenix Down' that reinterpreted all the Ace Attorney cases in the context of a medieval Final Fantasy narrative?" was an indulgence three years ago) to random personal What-Ifs ("What if I slipped into a parallel universe tomorrow in which my alternate self ruled the world as a tyrant? Would I start a revolutionary movement to overthrow my alternate-self? Now imagine the trailer to that movie!" was a popular one five years ago.)

I mean it's definitely fun, but it very much fits into the description of this thread: It's a stupid thing I do to myself that I secretly enjoy. It's socially isolating, has less pragmatic value than playing a videogame, and constitutes at best a repetitive series of delusions of grandeur.

And given how different the overdrive feels from even regular daydreaming or 'normal' and less powerful indulgences of the imagination, it's really only reinforced a Narrative of Differentness that's threatened to spiral me deep into a depression several time in the past. Who the fuck gyrates their head back and forth with earphones on in order to completely lose themselves without the aid of powerful drugs? The relatively few times it's happened in public, the stares have made me feel utterly ashamed. One time it started to happen in proximity of a girl I really liked who gave me one of those looks and then I completely withdrew from existence for two weeks.

[Amake]

I should probably have asked sooner, but how long has this been going on and have you tried directing your fantasies where you'd want them to go? Cause if you've done it since childhood and still have no control at all over what happens in them it might not be the same thing I'm talking about. But otherwise, I'd think it's just a matter of practice.

I mean it's not like I developed this still on purpose as a creative process, more like I've been lucky enough to be able to make use of it and turn it into my job. I don't suppose you're very interested in becoming a professional music video editor, so maybe you've been trying to make it go away and stop wasting your time, but my experience is that the best you can hope for is to control it.

Which is probably the point where I should remind everyone I'm not a trained mental health professional and you must take my advice at your own risk.

[rpgdemon]

I have a similar thing, but less losing myself into imagination, and more that my mind works in a visceral way, thinking in feeling and experiences, rather than concrete concepts. My creative process all starts in experiences and emotions, so that I know, for example, how a game should feel, or some visceral thrill that a player will get from my game, and what they'd be doing even, but not how that will be mechanically represented. I enjoy it, but it makes it really hard to explain what I'm working on sometimes, since I'm like, "I want to just EMOTION this at you."

I get really caught up in stuff like this, too. I am out to give people experiences, more than anything else.

I also get really excited about things which feel right to me. Like, I have an idea for a piece of software that would be really simple to use, and allow people to create games really easily to tell their stories, and I got SUPER excited when the thing hit me, not in pieces or anything, but as a cohesive experience for the end user.

In terms of stupid things to do to myself that I secretly enjoy, back in high school, I used to do high jump, and every time you'd get off the mat, you'd be super static charged from the dry foam in it, or whatever. I would always zap myself on the nearest piece of metal (Usually the thing holding up the bar), and enjoy watching the static electricity arc away from my finger, and the feeling of being un-staticked.

I also keep reinstalling WoW whenever I get free gametime from Blizzard trying to hook me back in, and every time I'm like, "Man, this game sucks", but I keep doing it, and I always play during that period of time, and then feel like an idiot for wasting that much time.

[Bum Bill Bee]

Well there's lots of little things I've done that are stupid yet oddly enjoyable to myself:
-videogame binges,
-wiki/tv tropes edits, when I know I should just let someone else do it,
-making reference drawings of characters I'm not likely to use is anything,
-drawing bunches of cards in a card game I invented but rarely get to play,
-and writing Uncycolpedia articles, a few of which might still be up

*edit* Sorry about that, I misread "stupid" as "something we're ashamed of" and got too personal.


Oh, and my imagination works a lot like the way Snake's and rpgdemon's does- as in I imagine and picture a lot when I'm listening to music- but I've never lost control, and I've never felt ashamed of it.

[POS Industries]

But right now the most concerning bad habit of mine is a mild porn addiction. Precise fetishes being soft core/"glam" bondage, abduction fantasies, chloroforming

Now when all is said and done I feel awful and horrible about myself for having anything to do with that kind of smut. Not only is it disturbing-ass subtext, but there's also me objectifying fellow living breathing human beings who have thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, firends, families, ect. And of course it takes time away from a million other better things I could be doing-I'm always feeling I don't have enough time for drawings, watching stuff or whatever.

And yet regardless of my higher thoughts on the subject, I'm still fapping out once or twice a week, regular as clockwork :ohdear:
Okay, I'm gonna level with you here, that's really more than we ever needed to know. I like to think we're pretty tolerant of a lot of stuff around here and I really do appreciate the fact that you're at least able to acknowledge the problematic and harmful aspects of this sort of thing but I don't really think that these forums are an appropriate venue to divulge this type of interest.

This is really more something that you may want to consult with a therapist on, because it does seem like an issue that you recognize as unhealthy and are having difficulty controlling, and I think a trained professional would be better suited to address it than we are capable of or comfortable with, and that keeping this sort of thing between you and said therapist would be appreciated in the future.

[Solid Snake]

Oh, and my imagination works a lot like the way Snake's...

...No.
No it does not.

[synkr0nized]

"I like rape and abduction!" [??!]
Well this thread took a dark turn.

If that was a joke, please don't.
If that was in earnest, see above. And still please don't.

[POS Industries]

...No.
No it does not.
Yeah I guess also when talking about your rape fantasies, don't liken yourself in any way to any other members.

Or like really just don't talk about your rape fantasies at all on NPF. That's really probably the best course of action here. Like there's really no reason to go from "Haha oh man I keep reinstalling WoW even though I know it suuuuuuucks" to "I keep thinking about kidnapping people and raping them" at all ever.

[RobinStarwing]

But right now the most concerning bad habit of mine is a mild porn addiction. Precise fetishes being soft core/"glam" bondage, abduction fantasies, chloroforming

Now when all is said and done I feel awful and horrible about myself for having anything to do with that kind of smut. Not only is it disturbing-ass subtext, fibut there's also me objectifying fellow living breathing human beings who have thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, firends, families, ect. And of course it takes time away from a million other better things I could be doing-I'm always feeling I don't have enough time for drawings, watching stuff or whatever.

And yet regardless of my higher thoughts on the subject, I'm still fapping out once or twice a week, regular as clockwork :ohdear:



Oh, and my imagination works a lot like the way Snake's and rpgdemon's does, but I've never lost control, and I've never felt ashamed of it.

First, your imagination is nothing like Snakes...

Second, stop trying to steal my title of worst poster on NPF please.

[Krylo]

So Bum is admitting his problem and I don't think shaming him a bunch, regardless of how serious his problem is, is gonna help--as he already recognizes it as a problem.

We've already suggested he talk to someone more equipped to deal with it.

I think it's time to move on from this.

[RobinStarwing]

So Bum is admitting his problem and I don't think shaming him a bunch, regardless of how serious his problem is, is gonna help--as he already recognizes it as a problem.

We've already suggested he talk to someone more equipped to deal with it.

I think it's time to move on from this.

Agreed.

My problem is making stupid posts.

[POS Industries]

My problem is making stupid posts.
I recommend you also seek therapy.

And stop making stupid posts.

[rpgdemon]

Oh, and my imagination works a lot like the way Snake's and rpgdemon's does, but I've never lost control, and I've never felt ashamed of it.

...No.
No it does not.

Can I also just echo this.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

You could also, you know, not.

[POS Industries]

No, it's fine. It's okay to be bothered by the association. rpg can voice that concern.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

No, it's fine. It's okay to be bothered by the association. rpg can voice that concern.

Fair enough.

BELATEDLY

While on occasion, these sessions have stimulated great ideas for a novel, more often than not it's just pure escapism. I've also been told by family members who've walked in on me as I'm 'dancing' (which is the kind way to describe it) that it looks hella fucking stupid. I've been a bit weary of listening to music in public -- say, while taking the Metro -- because I'll sometimes almost subconsciously slip into Imagination Overdrive if the right song's on and I have nothing else to engage me. It's something I've lived with for as long as I can remember, and in my worst moments it's led me to wonder if there's something seriously fucking wrong with me because I haven't met anyone else who can remotely relate to what I've described.

THE END

I think I do something like this too, though I've never had to do some repetitive motion to get into it. I do sometimes end up kind of driftily acting stuff out though.
Strangely, I've kind of noticed that all of these fantasies, and I guess me by extension, have/has an unhealthy obsession with the number six.

[Magus]

I stay up too late looking at stuff on the internet.

[shiney]

... I sought out upsetting material.

Actually, after we had our troubles, my wife did that for a while too. It's not that uncommon really. She stated she did it for altogether more destructive reasons, but also to try to piece together where things went wrong. I think it's a fairly normal and not unhealthy coping mechanism.

I have something I call 'imagination overdrive.'

What? You?? Why, I never. ;)

As for me, I smell my fingers after I scratch my belly button.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

My problem is killing my fellow immortals. I was just going to do it once, just to fit in you know, there is a lot of pressure as a young immortal to play the game so I thought if I just did it once I would get everyone off my back. But I got such an unimaginable rush, I lusted for more and more, each time the surge got smaller, the hunger got deeper. I don't even care about the prize anymore- I don't really want to win it, I just want to keep on playing.

[RobinStarwing]

My problem is killing my fellow immortals. I was just going to do it once, just to fit in you know, there is a lot of pressure as a young immortal to play the game so I thought if I just did it once I would get everyone off my back. But I got such an unimaginable rush, I lusted for more and more, each time the surge got smaller, the hunger got deeper. I don't even care about the prize anymore- I don't really want to win it, I just want to keep on playing.

Your not Duncan McCloud.

[Kim]

I drink mountain dew.

[Professor Smarmiarty]

Mountain dew makes your genitals shrink. Science fact. I learnt this on the playground. Of life.

[Magus]

Your not Duncan McCloud.

Of course not.

He's Kane. You can tell by how much he likes the song Dr. Feelgood. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xO76-s-R4jE)