Patton Oswalt proves he has the chops to write Star Wars VII in 8 minute uncut improv

[Magus]

5BBhNkywMJY

Truly legendary. Also (further) proof that Patton Oswalt is apparently the biggest most famous professional comedian/amateur geek on the planet. I don't watch Parks and Recreation but this episode looks pretty good if this is anything to go by.

Now, clearly there were some errors:

1. X23 is a female clone of Wolverine, not his biological daughter.

2. The X-Men fly the Blackbird SR-77, not the Quinjet, which is what the Avengers drive. It's possible to argue that they are in this scenario simply driving the Avengers' Quinjet, but I would presume not his intention.

3. In his list of top-tier Avenger members/Marvel characters he mentions Moon Knight. Clearly this is nothing but a distant (and completely batshit crazy, much like Moon Knight) pipe dream in his mind.

4. Severe mispronunciation of Coruscant and Kashyyyk.

5. Kids will (supposedly) not like the severed Chewbacca head thing and the female parts are clearly underwritten.

[The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk]

The uploader has not made this video available in your country

-_-

[Osterbaum]

Lataaja ei ole asettanut tätä videota saataville maassasi.
Copyright law sucks.

[POS Industries]

This ain't got shit on my Justice League/Sailor Moon crossover fanfiction.

[Magus]

"You worthless Avenger worms are no match for the power of the Negaverse!" screamed Queen Beryl. "You will be crushed beneath my heel like the ants you are!" She unleashed a blast of energy at Iron Man, who quickly accelerated out of the way with his rocket boosters.

"I thought we were worms?" quipped Tony as he unleashed a barrage of missiles directly into Beryl's face.

[POS Industries]

See, going with the Avengers misses out on the obvius climax of Usagi desperately trying to break through to a Poison Ivy-controlled Tuxedo Mask before he kills Superman with roses grown with a kryptonite-based water solution, her heartbreak drawing a Star Sapphire ring to Earth, but there's still potential there.

Obviously, we've got to have Mercury taking over the Iron Man armor and Jupiter being able to wield Mjolnir, but then after that it gets a little murky. Mars sealing Scarlet Witch's hex powers? Moon infusing Cap's shield with magic to deliver an unbeatable Moon Tiara attack? Maybe Saturn somehow gaining Captain Marvel's powers? There are some raw concepts here but ai'm not sure how to string them all together.

[Karrrrrrrrrrrresche]

Two words: Giant Robots.

[POS Industries]

Two words: Giant Robots.
No no, that's for the X-Men crossover where sentinels attack Tokyo after Molly develops mutant powers, and Mars becomes the new Phoenix host. Also Moon and Venus gush about how cute Scott, Bobby, and Warren are and Uranus and Wolverine become best buds.

---------- Post added at 01:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:01 PM ----------

Shit, almost forgot Mercury and Beast having science adventures.

[TheSpacePope]

Wow, that makes my NPR crossover fanfiction seem so....dull. (All Things This American Life Considers, Tell Me More?!) {working title}

Patton is a genius, and then they should get Chris Hardwick to proof the copy.
Those two guys have a lock on the Nerddom.

Better hope the Disney folks don't see this, as nostalgic as it makes me
http://www.duelos.net/posts/view/198-star-wars-as-a-80s-high-school-movie

[Magus]

Wow, that makes my NPR crossover fanfiction seem so....dull. (All Things This American Life Considers, Tell Me More?!) {working title}

Patton is a genius, and then they should get Chris Hardwick to proof the copy.
Those two guys have a lock on the Nerddom.

Better hope the Disney folks don't see this, as nostalgic as it makes me
http://www.duelos.net/posts/view/198-star-wars-as-a-80s-high-school-movie

You "saw" (heard) the This American Life sex tape, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak0fPHbFpbc

[TheSpacePope]

Holy shit. I hope you are held accountable when I die laughing.
; )

[Magus]

http://i40.tinypic.com/35ld99f.jpg

http://i39.tinypic.com/30tl1tl.jpg

[Bells]

still less dumb than the prequels.

[shiney]

still less dumb than the prequels.

It's going to be hard to out-dumb "Phantom Menace" in the Star Wars universe.

[synkr0nized]

It's going to be hard to out-dumb "Phantom Menace" in the Star Wars universe.

ewoks

[tacticslion]

Rarely do I disagree so vehemently with you, Synk, about matters of such importance! ;P


TITLE: literally every thing about them and every scene involving them
ewoks

Absolutely not!

... although them defeating Storm Troopers without a substantially larger number than they actually showed is both kind of frustrating and dubious.

But you can't make this argument (that Ewoks are worse) when comparing things to the Gungans from Phantom, which are far more rediculous. At least the Ewok tech mostly made sense (gliders notwithstanding), if if it didn't all make sense to overcome the imperials. Nothing of the Gungan tech makes any kind of sense at all, the actual battle they have with the droids seems more or less pointless, they promote imbeciles to status of General for doing dumb things, and (to harp on the love-to-hate-'em) Jar Jar is stupid beyond belief and irritatingly never gets "punished" for it; in fact the opposite happens (he gets new friends, promotions, and eventually diplomat status)*. As a race, they make less sense by being amphibious underwater beings with entirely air-based cities (which I can understand, but is substantially more difficult than, say, building on top a swamp) and land-based military (which is too ridiculous to get into), and so on. And while Darths and Droids does a very admirable job of making it "work" in their comic the concept of a single-biome world (such as pretty much all the films display) is stretched further with a single-biome world with a core of water.

When you add to the Gungans and Naboo that you have podracing (senseless, and not in the "pointless" or "violent" way which can be explained by culture), the Qui-Gon's consistently bad decisions (Liam Neeson was awesome, the character was incredibly dumb), and a "romance" between a six-year old and a twelve-year-old (creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy) Phantom Menace has a lot of problems that comparatively negate pretty much anything from the original trilogy.

I'm ignoring the wooden acting, because that doesn't make the story dumb, it's just poor casting choices in a few places, and it's the same argument that can be made twice-over in Attack of the Clones (the source of most people's distaste for that movie when combined with corny dialogue).

Now, if you're talking about the magic of Ewoks: Battle for Endor, you've got a point, in that it doesn't function properly within the "soft-science" world that Star Wars has going for it over-all. However several extended-universe elements have also made use of "magic-but-wait-it's-the-force", and Phantom Menace also has a shapeshifter, which, once again, prevents "anything with the Ewoks" from out-dumbing Phantom Menace.

If you're talking the Ewoks animated series, well, okay, you've got me. But I would also direct your attention to the Droids animated series, and compare that with the Star Wars Christmas Special (which, against all odds, is still canon, last I heard). Those all out-dumb Phantom Menace in equal, yet different ways, and can't really be compared (at least partially because both of the animated series aren't canon, again, according to my recollection - which may be faulty, I admit). And the Droids series puts the "anything with droids" on equal standing with the Ewoks.

And, you know, Phantom still has midi-chlorians, which greatly demystifies the Force and weakens the mythos a lot (and doesn't really explain things well enough, considering there are things like force ghosts so... is that just the midi-chlorians causing you to hallucinate said ghosts, or what?). The expanded universe does a lot to keep they mystification even with the midi-chlorians, but (I think) we're going by film-canon, here, so...

In truth, the ewoks might bother you more, and that's fine. But that one problem alone hardly compares to the myriad of problems found within the Phantom Menace, and if we're straight-up comparing two films (Jedi and Phantom) than Return of the Jedi is the better film with no contest and makes far more sense (both in-universe and out-).

Are Ewoks a little hokey? Yes. But according to Han Solo, so is the Force. And we all know how that turned out.

Specifically, it turned out like this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_xJqkzngBI). Oh, uh, sorry, how did that get there?! :sweatdrop I meant like this (http://youtu.be/E-AmHZ17gWM?t=2m28s).

* My opinion on JarJar is that he was a good idea gone very bad. He was supposed to be the C-3PO for the prequels, but there's a very major difference between them: 3PO was unlucky and clumsy but extremely useful both in-character (as a translator and generally observant character) and out (as a useful "oh, I get it" narration for the audience) and willing to stick by his friends (and honestly tricks/outsmarts the badguys at least once); Jar-Jar is stupid and clumsy but the luckiest cretin ever to stumble on two feat, I mean oh my word the guy ends up destroying a bunch of droids with droid-entrails on accident, and then getting promoted again.

[Flarecobra]

The shape-shifter was in Attack of the Clones, not Phantom Menace.

[POS Industries]

I love how tactics completely ignored the fact that it was an army of teddy bears.

You can't out-stupid that, and this is coming from someone whose favorite movie in the series is RotJ.

[Melfice]

and a "romance" between a six-year old and a twelve-year-old (creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy)

Creepy, you say? (http://www.omg-facts.com/Celebs/The-Greatest-Known-Age-Difference-In-A-M/26116)

[Bells]

Hell, i can out stupid that... all you need are scenes so dumb that they didn't made the cut OF the prequels...

I'm not even going to comment it... i know you all will understand

RhuPFbODLjI

[synkr0nized]

Phantom Menace is a downright awful movie in practically every way possible.

Regardless, it seems like a lot of effort to try to refute a subjective statement that savage/tribal teddy bears in the middle of a sci-fi fantasy civil war are stupid.

And, yes, I was also thinking of the specials and other materials when I made that post.


Fuck ewoks.


You've definitely hit a chord with me about the frustration, as well. Like, I grew up loving Star Wars. I have difficulty watching the films anymore, though, 'cause I spend most of the time getting unnecessarily enraged at all of the stupid decisions made by practically everyone and the abysmal failings of the Empire due to being the over-the-top Evil foil for the Good Guys.

WHO THE FUCK LINKS AN EXHAUST PORT DIRECTLY TO THE POWER CORE OF ANYTHING?

WHY WOULD YOU NOT LAUNCH 54363737 TIE FIGHTERS AT YAVIN INSTEAD OF JUST VADER'S SQUAD? FUCK, TARKIN IS NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID@

HOW DOES HITTING THE BRIDGE SUDDENLY MAKE A GIANT CAPITAL SHIP SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE GRAVITY OF THE DEATH STAR?

HOW THE FUCK DOES A SNUBFIGHTER GET THROUGH THE SHIELDS IN ORDER TO BLOW UP THE SHIELD GENERATORS ON A CAPITAL SHIP?

HAN SHOT FIRST YOU OBESE, GRAYING COLLECTION OF LARD AND NONSENSE!

MIDICHLORIANS OH MY GOD FUCK OFF**

"FINEST LEGION" MY ASS! TEDDY RUXPIN JUST KICKED THEIR ASSES!

Like I literally spend every five minutes complaining to myself. It's not fun. I am too much of a fan of the universe to enjoy the god damned movies anymore, it seems.

*collapses in a frothing rage*



** probably shouldn't have included this one, 'cause like there's rarely anything right about the prequels

[tacticslion]

The shape-shifter was in Attack of the Clones, not Phantom Menace.

You are correct, sir! That's my bad, and I submit to it being my faux pas.. Sorry, I haven't seen the movies in quite a while... I need to change that.

Thus shapeshifter is a strike against episode 2, not episode 1 (but then again, since it's a different movie, it could be compared, then, to a different movie with ewoks. In which case Battle for Endore is still the better (read: more entertaining) movie.

I love how tactics completely ignored the fact that it was an army of teddy bears.

No sir, in fact, I did not. I addressed that very fact, like, first thing.

To whit:
... although them defeating Storm Troopers without a substantially larger number than they actually showed is both kind of frustrating and dubious.

So, you know. :)

You can't out-stupid that, and this is coming from someone whose favorite movie in the series is RotJ.
To counter: the Gungans are thin, talking, clumsy frogs. If "teddy bears", as a derogative term is permissible, than in episode one, you have an incomprehensively-teched "froggy" army. That's pretty doofy. At least one of those actually exists in physical space and functions like you'd expect reality - any reality - would (hint: it's not the CG one).

Further, Ewoks never seemed like "teddy bears" to me, for several reasons... not the least of which is that they have teeth and actually, genuinely sharp(-looking) spears.

Also, their tech, while primitive, is sensible. While goofy, they are internally consistent as a race. Their clothing, while odd, actually has comparisons among human culture and is quasi-sensible for bears in a forest (compared to Gungans who swim everywhere wearing pants... nooooooope). And said army of "teddy bears" is against a comparatively small over-land force in an environment that favors their tactics. And they suffered tremendous losses in the battle.

Gungans, on the other hand, generally use spears, land-animal mounts, combined with super-powered (dinosaur-mounted) weirdly inconsistent laser-shield generators which don't really work against solid objects; yet they attack with "solid energy spheres" (solid objects) made of advanced tech which are launched by crude catapults (which wouldn't work underwater - their preferred environment) or are hand-launched. These spheres may or may not generate an electrical discharge, and are terribly inconvenient, stupid, and utterly pointless. If they have the ability to create energy-based weapons, there is no reason they would resort to non-energy based weapons. If it's "because they live underwater, and energy-based weapons would disperse", well, yeah, but they wouldn't be using hand-slings and catapults underwater anyway... at least not the ones that they have as-shown.

They are also proven to have advanced tech for water-based movement, so why, on Naboo, would they resort to land-animals to haul around their stuff? Oh, but, you know, it's because they're an aquatic species. So why do they have entire herds of land animals waiting for when they go to war?

Nothing about their society, culture, or technology makes any kind of sense.

The Gungans didn't even lose that many people, that I recall (though I could be wrong: from what I can tell, only piles of droids, here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qZJ85MdS-g), though the Gungans lost a few of their mounts, I think).

Further, adding to the bizarre things of Episode one: why is a queen diplomatically elected by a planet at the age of twelve?
I can handle queens being the age of twelve. This makes sense.
I can handle queens being elected by the people. This makes sense.
Why would anyone elect a twelve year old human to rule anything with absolute authority ever?

This is immeasurably stupid, and overwhelmingly impractical for more reasons than merely "she's too young" (although that is definitely part of it).

Regardless of their advanced technology, we know communication across the entire planet is an issue based on the fact that in the movie, it's an issue, which means it's not easy getting all those votes in (presuming Naboo is, in fact, more than its capital city, which it seems to be implied to be, even if we never see it). Thus, it's going to take time. And under what qualities would a potential ruler be voted upon? They are immature, uneducated, and completely unprepared for that much pressure.

I mean, social barbarism is a thing, sure, (we see it modeled later in Tatooine) but seriously, it's dumb, and makes me question their good sense as a people to begin with, and would generally have to boil down to the would-be-ruler's campaign manager (who, as it turns out, is probably Palpati-... oh-never-mind,-I-just-realized-why-he's-from-Naboo,-well-played.)

And: why, why, why would the droids land so very far from the capital? When I was watching the film, my thought was, like, "Hey, why are they not landing in the capital? Did I miss that? But I was paying attention!"

I mean, the wookipedia (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Battle_of_Grassy_Plains) describes it as a diversion on the part of the good guys, but it's a really dumb diversion, much like this one (http://youtu.be/1yqVD0swvWU). Any invasion force with a modicum of thought would have gone, "Um, dudes, there's some primitive people who are vaguely threatening us, with huge shields that can't move once their on, so, you know, let's make them come to us and mow them down."

Creepy, you say? (http://www.omg-facts.com/Celebs/The-Greatest-Known-Age-Difference-In-A-M/26116)

There is a very large difference between consenting adults and kids whose age difference matters substantially more. Now, that said, I don't know anything about this marriage, and clicking on "source" nets me fox news magazine, and nothing beyond that. From the extremely brief bio, however, it seems like it was a marriage of charity more than a marriage of romance and love.

On the other hand, if they were both truly in love, it would be creepy to me, but in this case it's not my place to say anything.

Six-year-old and twelve-year-old? That's creepy for entirely different reasons, the age difference being indicative of them, but not being the actual reason itself.

(ANYWAY, SUBMITTING THIS POST AND EDITING ONE IN LATER)

---------- Post added at 02:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:50 PM ----------

I more or less agree with all the criticisms about PM in that post.

Cool! :)

Phantom Menace is a downright awful movie in practically every way possible.

It's fairly bad.

Despite my protests, however... it's not the worst movie I've ever seen. And it's wooden acting aside, I do enjoy it (though I loathe what it represents to the Star Wars series as a whole).

Regardless, it seems like a lot of effort to try to refute a subjective statement that savage/tribal teddy bears in the middle of a sci-fi fantasy civil war are stupid.

We're nerds. It's what we do. :) (Or at least me.)

And, yes, I was also thinking of the specials and other materials when I made that post.

Good to know! Glad I included them, then.

Fuck ewoks.

My reaction? "Ew! Also, I thought you hated them!"
An Ewok's reaction? "I dunno, are they hot?" (loosely translated from the Ewok language, naturally)

Personally, I've never been on board with the Ewok hate. I understand it, sort of, but it's just not a thing for me. They're not annoying in the way Jar-Jar is, and they're not pointless (and they don't have an outrageously annyoing accent for no reason). They serve a narrative purpose, and they actually suffer tragedy for what they do.

Also, for me, it's not to hard to imagine Ewoks being fairly hard core ever since that slightly-dark-side Jedi Master made of pure awesome was my wife's mentor in that one game. She was gloriously cool. We need to play that some more...

EDIT: Actually, I understand your frustration, Synk.

Basically, when you get too distracted, you start nitpicking until the whole thing falls apart, even the bits that you love.

Anyway, I know you're entirely entitled to your opinion, but I thought it would be fun refuting it from my way of thinking. :)

[synkr0nized]

Yeah - like, clearly, I'm not matching you at all in the content/effort of my posts, but I think you and I could probably sit down and chat about Star Wars for hours and hours and share our mutual disappointment in the writing and "logic" of the prequels.

Oh man I'm gonna go watch Red Letter Media's review of PM again. Fuckin' terrible movie.

"It can never go away. It can never be undone."

[tacticslion]

Yeah - like, clearly, I'm not matching you at all in the content/effort of my posts, but I think you and I could probably sit down and chat about Star Wars for hours and hours and share our mutual disappointment in the writing and "logic" of the prequels.

Sounds fun! (My son is awake, though, so not now. :D)

Oh man I'm gonna go watch Red Letter Media's review of PM again. Fuckin' terrible movie.

"It can never go away. It can never be undone."


Hahah! Yeah. :D

(And Empire totally is the best film of the three, even if Return of the Jedi is my favorite because [i]black-outfit Luke Skywalker with Green Lightsaber duels Vader *awesomesplosion*)

... yes I'm aware those are vapid reasons.

[Magus]

There is no ewok scene that is good. (PARAPHRASING)

The ewoks were great. They were going to eat the strike team until they thought C3PO was a god with god powers. How great is that?

Like that is a legitimately great scene involving ewoks.

EDIT: I think I meant to quote Synk here.

[Flarecobra]

WHO THE FUCK LINKS AN EXHAUST PORT DIRECTLY TO THE POWER CORE OF ANYTHING?

WHY WOULD YOU NOT LAUNCH 54363737 TIE FIGHTERS AT YAVIN INSTEAD OF JUST VADER'S SQUAD? FUCK, TARKIN IS NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID@

HOW DOES HITTING THE BRIDGE SUDDENLY MAKE A GIANT CAPITAL SHIP SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE GRAVITY OF THE DEATH STAR?

HOW THE FUCK DOES A SNUBFIGHTER GET THROUGH THE SHIELDS IN ORDER TO BLOW UP THE SHIELD GENERATORS ON A CAPITAL SHIP?

HAN SHOT FIRST YOU OBESE, GRAYING COLLECTION OF LARD AND NONSENSE!



1: Well, it was one way to release excess heat.
2: He wasn't stupid. Just badly overconfident.
3: By killing the entire bridge crew, and blasting through to wreak the navigation systems.
4: By bombarding said shields, thus weakening them. Recall that beforehand, Ackbar said to consentrate fire on the Super Star Destroyer.
5: Yep. He did.

[Amake]

I've long thought that the only way to make sense of anything in the Star Wars movies is to look at them as fables, with archetypes acting out their predetermined roles rather than characters with human motivations behind their decisions, and props and scenery symbolizing stuff rather than being like, places where people move from point A to point B in time T.

Really.

I mean The Illiad has an incomparably better level of psychological realism, and it was written in a time when people thought that their decision making apparatus was made up of gods telling them what to do. And let's not even get into the geography. . .ice planets and Goddamn Death Stars. . .

[Flarecobra]

To answer your edit reason question: it's High Galactic. (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/High_Galactic_alphabet)

[tacticslion]

To answer your edit reason question: it's High Galactic. (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/High_Galactic_alphabet)

Wookipedia: it's everywhere you want to be.
(In the Star Wars universe only, limitations apply, ask inside for details.)

[Krylo]

I'm just glad Lucas lost Star Wars so we have a chance of Episode VII actually being good.

Like, all the Star Wars games and what not are generally pretty good for story telling and characterizations and just generally not being dumb. Really anything with a production value beyond fanfiction + no one cares what gets published under Star Wars (and even some of that), is pretty excellent. You know, so long as Lucas isn't allowed near it.

[Bells]

I'm just glad Lucas lost Star Wars so we have a chance of Episode VII actually being good.

It won't though.

It doesn't stand a chance. If it deviates too much from the originals, the massive fan base will crush it, if it goes back to the roots, it's just Super Man Returns all over again.

I want to see Episode 7, but i'm highly skeptical of it having any saving grace in the current movie escape we are in.

....if they bring Gendy Tartakovsky to work in in production, i'll be more hopeful though.

[POS Industries]

if it goes back to the roots, it's just Super Man Returns all over again.
But that's not why Superman Returns failed, though. People didn't like it because it was just a bad movie.

[Bells]

All that note i thought i should bring you guys this

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/reel-physics/7203-Return-of-the-Jedi-The-Thrown-Room

Reel Physics special for Star Wars day.

Stay for the credits!