I will fix all of your problems for a buck v2.0

[Torque]

You heard right, friends! It's that time again! Shitty advice, and snide remarks are at their lowest prices in years! We couldn't GIVE this shit away if we tried, so instead we're selling it to you for a buck! Why a buck? Because fuck you, that's why!
Got relationship problems? We've got a solution for that!
Need to understand the existential dread that keeps you awake until all hours of the morning? Me too!
Post your problems here, and I guarantee you a solution in one post, or less! Don't believe me? ME NEITHER! Try it for yourself, and find out.
The lines are open, and operators are standing by to take your calls now!

[pochercoaster]

I can't finish my mountain of cocaine. How should i solve this

[Torque]

I can't finish my mountain of cocaine. How should i solve this

Take a fist full of amphetamines.
The extra energy, and can-do spirit they will provide will easily help you conquer your literal (figurative?) mountain of pure Columbian White.

[phil_]

I applied with FAFSA for income based repayment on my student loans in February (based on less-than-zero income). I haven't checked the email inbox the people who bought my loans use since then. How do I build up the courage to face two months of "We're going to non-consensually fuck you in the butt in a financial sense that in no way denigrates the homosexual nor ass-play communities but will land you in jail eventually" emails? Should I just keep ignoring them? I can get out my bedroom window pretty quick, but I'm not sure my Spanish is good enough to flee to Mexico, plus my car is on the other side of the house.

[Torque]

I applied with FAFSA for income based repayment on my student loans in February (based on less-than-zero income). I haven't checked the email inbox the people who bought my loans use since then. How do I build up the courage to face two months of "We're going to non-consensually fuck you in the butt in a financial sense that in no way denigrates the homosexual nor ass-play communities but will land you in jail eventually" emails? Should I just keep ignoring them? I can get out my bedroom window pretty quick, but I'm not sure my Spanish is good enough to flee to Mexico, plus my car is on the other side of the house.

If your car is on the wrong side of the house to flee to Mexico that means it's on the right side of the house to flee to Canada!
Should fleeing to Canada not be a viable option, might I suggest:
http://i.imgur.com/4J49ZtG.jpg

[phil_]

http://i.imgur.com/4J49ZtG.jpg

Harumph, humbug, and a zero star Yelp for you, Mr. Thinks Any Amount of Lube will Compensate for the Violence of the Unquestioned Public-Private Alliance of Permissible Violence.

Next question, should I buy the new Nintendo before I go to jail?

[Arcanum]

I need money for food and video games, should I rob a bank? And if yes, which one will give me the biggest haul of untraceable bills and gemstones? Bonus points of they store the valuables in burlap sacks with dollar signs on them so that I won't need to bring my own.

[Kyanbu The Legend]

What's the best way to convince the big software publishers to fund my future projects and endeavors?

[Nikose Tyris]

I applied with FAFSA for income based repayment on my student loans in February (based on less-than-zero income). I haven't checked the email inbox the people who bought my loans use since then. How do I build up the courage to face two months of "We're going to non-consensually fuck you in the butt in a financial sense that in no way denigrates the homosexual nor ass-play communities but will land you in jail eventually" emails? Should I just keep ignoring them? I can get out my bedroom window pretty quick, but I'm not sure my Spanish is good enough to flee to Mexico, plus my car is on the other side of the house.

Consider the market value of your vehicle, and if you could qualify to finance a new car. If the numbers are favourable, get a loan for a new car, buy a new car and sell the old one.

Use the money from the car sale to do a small lump sum payment on refinancing the loans to a payable standard that isn't gaining interest faster than you can pay it with less than zero income.

Alternatively if they somehow aren't federal loans, continue to ignore them until the 6 month mark.

(Sorry for a serious type reply, I've been dealing with US student loans a lot lately and I hate them. So much. They're almost as evil as payday loans.)

---------- Post added at 11:08 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:06 AM ----------

I need money for food and video games, should I rob a bank? And if yes, which one will give me the biggest haul of untraceable bills and gemstones? Bonus points of they store the valuables in burlap sacks with dollar signs on them so that I won't need to bring my own.

Do not rob a bank. Rob a bank truck instead. You'll secure money already packaged for snatching, less security personnel, and less security equipment that might capture your identity.

---------- Post added at 11:08 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 AM ----------

What's the best way to convince the big software publishers to fund my future projects and endeavors?

Make things worth playing on the indie scene first or join an established company as a lower level employee and endure.

[Torque]

Harumph, humbug, and a zero star Yelp for you, Mr. Thinks Any Amount of Lube will Compensate for the Violence of the Unquestioned Public-Private Alliance of Permissible Violence.

Satisfaction never guaranteed.



Next question, should I buy the new Nintendo before I go to jail?

You should never not buy the new Nintendo. Unless the new Nintendo is the Nintendo VirtualBoy.

I need money for food and video games, should I rob a bank? And if yes, which one will give me the biggest haul of untraceable bills and gemstones? Bonus points of they store the valuables in burlap sacks with dollar signs on them so that I won't need to bring my own.

Money can be exchanged for goods, and services. Goods, and services can also be exchanged for money. I recommend selling a kidney. You have two and can easily make do with half that amount!
Alternatively, you could find yourself an experienced pimp, and become his "bottom bitch", thus ensuring a more secure long-term solution.

What's the best way to convince the big software publishers to fund my future projects and endeavors?

http://i.imgur.com/4J49ZtG.jpg

[Flarecobra]

Best way of disposing of 3 dead people, a dead horse, and a full-size server tower?

Asking for a friend.

[Torque]

Best way of disposing of 3 dead people, a dead horse, and a full-size server tower?

Asking for a friend.

You should loan your 'friend' your woodchipper. If your woodchipper is currently unavailable, may I offer you this:
http://i.imgur.com/tWiFALg.gif

[Flarecobra]

Does it do helicopters too?

[Torque]

Does it do helicopters too?


Not a helicopter, buuuut.....
http://i.imgur.com/cRNMsba.gif

[POS Industries]

They're here.

[tacticslion]

How do I get more time to do everything I want and need?

[Nikose Tyris]

How do I get more time to do everything I want and need?

Stop wanting things.

[tacticslion]

Stop wanting things.

Depressing! :D

Any ideas on how to help Spam callers cease attempting to prey upon the elderly and confused and persuade them to enter a new life of honest work? Or persuade people who steal others' credit card numbers and sell them to someone who goes on a $2000+ shopping spree at the four corners of the continental U.S.?

I'm, uh, I'm asking for a friend*.

(I am not asking for a friend. I have realized that annoying the Spammers until they hang up, while amusing, really isn't doing anyone any good. And, you know, thieves suck, though banks pausing cards and purchases, like, right away, are pretty rad. Hopefully, none of those go through.)

[Nikose Tyris]

Had to think how to best solve this one for ya, Tactics.

Preach to them. When they call, share the gospel with them instead. Even if it doesn't reach them, it will discourage them in a different way, and could help them see the weight of their sins.

That sort of thing would need to come from a place of understanding that they likely belong to a larger phone bank of scammers, and took the job out of some level of desperation for income. They are thieves, yes. Without a widespread implementation of caller ID standard improvements and a solid tracking system for blocking calls from such a network, we won't see any mass improvement. But for a dollar, maybe religious guilt will solve one man's troubles.

[tacticslion]

Had to think how to best solve this one for ya, Tactics.

Preach to them. When they call, share the gospel with them instead. Even if it doesn't reach them, it will discourage them in a different way, and could help them see the weight of their sins.

That sort of thing would need to come from a place of understanding that they likely belong to a larger phone bank of scammers, and took the job out of some level of desperation for income. They are thieves, yes. Without a widespread implementation of caller ID standard improvements and a solid tracking system for blocking calls from such a network, we won't see any mass improvement. But for a dollar, maybe religious guilt will solve one man's troubles.

This man knows advice! Will do!
:D