"So I'm Seeing A Psychiatrist" or "I'm Scared"

[Seil]

So on the fifteenth, I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time, a CAMH doctor that my family doctor referred me to. I've been struggling with a few issues for a while and I think it's long past the time where I should see someone.

As terrible as it sounds, I want something to be wrong with me.

If something is wrong, it means that it can be fixed. If there's no problem, and this is my normal, then that's worrying. I won't pretend that I haven't been reading about different afflictions and ticking off a mental checklist as I go down the symptoms lists, but recently a friend shared this list of challenges faced by those with autism, (http://www.wimp.com/30-people-with-autism-describe-what-its-really-like/) and I nearly burst into tears because of how closely I identify with them.

I've been on anti-depressants for a few months, and while I know there's no reason to worry before I actually talk to the doctor, but I can't help but worry. At the risk of sounding insensitive, I would struggle with some diagnoses - maybe the stigma of developmental disabilities versus psychological ones, but I am worried.

Nikose has been a dear and recommended help. Alcohol and marijuana, while not reacting well with my current medication (Trintellix) also help. (As much as alcohol and drugs help mental problems, I know.)

My second worry is that I know that psychiatrists don't cure things, they just provide you with the tools you need to work through it. I'm just worried about fighting a lifelong battle armed with expensive medication.

[mauve]

It's ok to be scared, and it's ok to want a diagnosis so you can start on the path of management and recovery. And you know, even if you don't get a firm diagnosis one way or the other, you can still get help for the problems you're dealing with. It sounds like whatever you're going through is bothering you to a point where it's affecting your life, which is exactly what mental health professionals are trained to help with. So regardless of whether you get a firm yes or no in terms of being on the autism spectrum or anything else, I hope this person will be able to help you!



I know how you feel about wanting some kind of diagnosis, though. I started therapy last month and part of me was hoping for a label, because then I would feel less like a failure, or less like a weak and lazy shit, if I knew there was actually a medical reason for me to act or think the way I do. Sort of like a verification for my feelings, I guess. I worried that maybe there wasn't really anything wrong with me; maybe I'm just too sensitive or too much of a sheltered little whiner. I've only had one session so far, and seeing as I'm talking to a licensed social worker and not a psychologist, I'm not likely to get a diagnosis any time soon. But the nice thing I've found is that she listens and validates my feelings. I've only seen her once, so at this point I can't even say if I'll stick with her or look for a different therapist, but it was honestly nice just to be able to talk about what's going on to someone who seems to understand my thought process and not treat me like a sample under a microscope. I dunno, I'm rambling now. But I hope you find answers you're looking for.

[Seil]

Yeah.

As much as it's trashed, the internet and social media have also been a big help in discovering that you're not alone and erasing stigma, and as someone who's isolated themselves as much as I have, finding information that's not someone telling me to just "man up and deal with it" is golden.

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---------- Post added at 01:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:50 AM ----------

maybe I'm just too sensitive or too much of a sheltered little whiner

Read an article, this isn't it (https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/21ka7g/can_we_all_agree_that_saying_other_people_have_it/), where a psychiatrist was talking about how most of their patients had mentioned that there were many people worse off than them. Their patients criticized themselves because others were worse off. (http://psychopathsandlove.com/others-have-it-worse-self-invalidation/) There are refugees coming in from Syria, there are staving children in Africa, there's hurt all over. The point of the article was to articulate that what's happening to you is important, and your health shouldn't be constrained by what others are suffering. You are important.

Will try to find article. Hrm.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I needed to read this as a couple of weekends ago I had a major meltdown. They are not fun and prompted me to go to a councillor to see them again.

[Seil]

If I'm not back by this time tomorrow, it was nice knowing you all.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

If I'm not back by this time tomorrow, it was nice knowing you all.

Don't say stuff like that >=(

[Seil]

So it's suspected generalized anxiety disorder, and I'm going to stay on the anti depressants and start behavioral cognitive therapy.

Hrm.

[pochercoaster]

Hey Seil,

It's great that you are starting treatment/therapy. Speaking from my own experience with depression/anxiety, seeing a professional is probably the best thing you can do when dealing with issues of mental health.

As terrible as it sounds, I want something to be wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a diagnosis. If you had some more obviously physical ailment- like, I dunno, a weird skin problem or chronic pain- you would want a diagnosis, because it's a problem that's making your life harder and it deserves treatment.

The same is true when it comes to mental health. We are just deceived into believing that it's not the same kind of health problem as "physical" ailments. But mental health is profoundly important. It can impact you just as much as a disease or chronic pain. So it's great that you're taking steps to treat it.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

I am glad you are seeing help Seil. There is no shame in wanting to be better. God knows I do not want to go see the psychologist tomorrow morning, but I have to

[mauve]

I'm glad you went, Seil.

[Seil]

Therapy starting in 1 - 6 months. Going home for a week in April. Thinking that home would be most beneficial right now.

Thank you for your support.

[Seil]

Meeting in June with an addiction therapist re: drug an alcohol use.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of me - the fact that no matter where I am, I can't seem to shake off the lethargy, the lack of motivation to move and get things done.

I'm tired of wanting more and not being able to get off my ass. I'm tired of people telling me I can achieve my dreams if only I "think positively." I'm tired of needing medication to be a functioning person. I'm tired of being "so nice" and "so sweet" and "so good with" everybody.

I might seem wrapped up in myself, but it's because I am; I'm always thinking of how I look to other people. I want to be liked, and I want to be loved. It's why I try to be funny, or witty. I actively look up to fictional characters and envy them because they've got the life I'd like.

Mostly I'm just tired of me. I see the problems in my life and I see the solutions, I'm just... too tired to pursue them, if that makes any sense.

I'm so tired of living in an expensive city and being broke all the time, but if I took a few more shifts I could fix it - and the phone does ring sometimes. I'm tired of having no social life, but I actively push people away. I'm tired of health issues and excess weight, but I don't take care of myself - even though I'm spending $100 a month I usually don't have on gym memberships. I'm tired of spending almost all of my free time online, while I've got unread books on my shelf and a Netflix account.

I feel stuck and I don't know how to fix it.

Wherever I go, wherever I live, whoever I meet, I've always got the same problems and hang-ups. I can't turn off the thought that I would be more comfortable by myself, alone at home. I did more socializing in a one week trip home than I ever did while living at home.

So I drink, and I smoke pot, because at least I don't feel like me anymore. But that goes away, too, and it's expensive. The thing I'd like most is to connect with other people, but I don't let myself connect with other people. I don't know how. I'm constantly trying to come off as everything at once in order to appeal to as many people as possible because I'd desperately like to connect with someone, but I wear too many hats at once and wearing more than one hat in public looks absolutely ridiculous.

So I open up on Facebook because at least I can socialize. I can get "likes" without having to do much. I can make a pun as quick as George Takei, or be as talented as George Bernard Shaw or as political as George Washington from the comfort of my lonely room.

Most of my friends are getting married and having kids, which is a life I'd love - but because I don't socialize, I don't connect with anyone romantically. I think I'm actually regressing, losing the few skills I've got because I don't use them enough.

What I'd like most in the world is space, a home, a full stomach, and someone to lay in bed with on Sunday mornings. I'd like to see things and do things and learn things. I'd like to have a dollar to put in every person's cup when I walk by them and a smile for even the people I dislike. I'd like to be as cool as Fonzie, as tough as Schwarzenegger, as able as MacGuyver, as loving as Cassanova, as well traveled as Carmen Sandiego.

As it is, I feel kind of like Oscar the Grouch.

I don't want to disappoint anyone. I've got thin skin and I'm susceptible to criticism. I feel that by being masculine, big and strong, I can get by. That people will assume that I am strong. While I do need a certain amount of strength for work, I'm not participating in Strong Man competitions - I don't need to be huge... but I want to be because I think more people will like me, or think well of me.

I just want to get by with minimal fuss. I don't want to make waves, I just want to get by. I want to get everything done so I can go on my way without anyone commenting on me. The thing is that I get everything done and go back to my room so that I can sit on Facebook with several unread books and several unwatched movies on my shelves that I bought so that people will see them and think well of me. That I can talk about them with others. That I can be a part of the conversation or so that I can get the joke.

To quote George Carlin, "I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow."

[mauve]

Please don't give up, Seil.

Everything you posted there-- feeling hopeless, feeling too tired to fix anything, everything-- is something you should tell your therapist/psychiatrist, if you haven't already. Print it out and hand it to them if that's easier than saying it all out loud. And if they don't listen to you, give 'em the middle finger and find a new therapist/psychiatrist because you deserve to be heard and you deserve to get options and assistance.

Don't give up yet.

[shiney]

Agreed. Don't give up, Seil. I don't have any magic answers that can help combat depression I'm afraid, just my own experience has been that getting out and being active or going somewhere familiar and comforting has helped me in the past when I've struggled.

We're here for you, too. <3