I was searcing to confirm "Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny" line by Zappa when I ran across with this beauty:
"Why should I smile when I'm sitting here with you?"

Two friends of mine playing hangman on my last Iraq deployment:

"Four letter word that doesn't have an I..."
"Iraq."

While working, we often have a TV on just for background noise. This one show had some lions on, and an officer said this:

"The females are the ones with the manes, right?"
*Stunned silence*
"What? I didn't major in zoology!"

I am about to - or I am going to - die: either expression is correct.
- Dominique Bouhours' last words.

"It's like a mongoloid in a turd-kicking contest....." (Goon, the goon)

Friend: "Token, you know I could take you down. I'm on the football team."
Me: "Bring it bitch, I'm on the chess team."

Best friend: "HE CAN RUN AT THE SPEED OF A HEDGEHOG."

Okay, this next one requires some explanation. The chamber choir I'm in was having a Christmas party at one of my friends house. Now this friend is known for being a complete tenor, and we tease him. A lot. It's all in good fun though. Anyway, we were all watching The Lion King, to piss him off (during a workshop at Disney, he and I both tried out for a solo from the movie, and I got it. Somehow.) We were all laughing and pointing out how we all sort of acted like some of the characters. Anyway, it was after the time skip, and Nala (a girl I was into at the time) had just tackled Simba (me) to the ground. At this point, everyone was joking about how that's how it would probably go down.
Her: "Yeah, there is no way on hell he'd be on top."
Me: "Not gonna lie, she's probably right."
Rest of the group: "Oh yeah, you'd totally be her bitch."
Me: "I wouldn't quite put it that way..."
The Tenor (dreamily): "Nah, Corey would never be on bottom... Shit, did I just say that?"
There was dead silence for about a minute, before we all cracked the hell up and he started stammering. Good times.

In all honestly, you sohuld have seen some of THESE coming.

"I am the Black Mage! I cast the spells that makes the peoples fall down!"
And this entire scene;
"Welcome to Corneria!"
"I like swords"
"Welcome to Corneria!"
"I like swords"
"Welcome to Corneria!"

And ofc...
"SWORDCHUCKS, YO!"

Reminds me of once when I was playing Final Fantasy 7 and a friend who didn't have a lot of videogame experience looked on. Cloud died in a random fight, as I was playing very braindeadly while trying to converse. Then when we returned to the world map my friend remarked, "didn't that guy just die?"

Me, listening with some anticipation as I had no idea what I was going to say, still not missing a beat: "Yeah but he's still twitching."