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How to Spot a Masturbator
This is a very serious issue confronting America's youth
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Goddamn this is so stupid it's fantastic. |
Deeply inhaling young men's mattresses: will never, ever sound wholesome.
Hey, I know how you spot a masturbator: they're breathe! |
Ohohoho I just found me a new avatar!
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This is the only thing I could think about while reading that article.
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Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package!
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Also, not as good as the article but still great are the people arguing with the author in the comments. |
Why not, the pokemon was getting old
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GUYZ COME ON THIS IS THE HARDEST AND MOST EXPLOSIVE ISSUE OF OUR AGE
WE NEED TO TAKE A FIRM GRASP OF THE SITUATION BEFORE THINGS REACH A CLIMAX AND WE AS A SOCIETY REALLY FIND OURSELVES IN A STICKY SITUATION |
Raw calloused hands... beard....loose fitting clothes...unwashed hair...angry expression...
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Sodomy Is Never The Answer
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Edit: Hohohoho, those moneylenders are in for a surprise. |
Masturbation causes cock cancer? Oh no! Why did I have to look at all that online porn?!
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Colossians 3:5: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” Fastest way to do three out of five? Masturbation.
"Provided by Dr. Louisa Phillips, DHg" What is a DHg? 'Cause all I can find that uses that abbreviation is some foreign black metal band. Is this a well-known site? 'Cause it looks like a (good) fake. |
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I will be DEAD before I stop masturbating over something silly like cancer.
That said... why the HELL would you want to smell a dude's mattress? Pretty sure semen isn't the only smell a guy leaves in a bed. Also, if you're familiar with the smell of semen, you really have no right to judge a guy for jerking off. |
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And everyone knows Chronic Masturbator's will do it in the Shower and won't even bother disrobing! The easy reference sheet is a LIE! They have ruined my faith! Curse you and your lies about what a Chronic Masturbator looks like, now I shall never know what man I shake hands with was just doing! DAMN YOU ALL TO HECK CHRISTWIRE! And since when were Jesery Shore actor's TV Stars! THIS ARTICLE IS FULL OF LIES!!!! AND FALSE TRUTHS! |
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Also... who masturbates in bed? What? are you trying to "enhance the experience" by closing the gap between mono-love and real-love with a common setting...? What? |
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I'm glad that the only concern about girls masturbating is that it may or may not be related to yeast infection in some cases. Girls, as it were, only want to have fun.
Joking aside, what is the real issue here? I think it's about teenagers exhibiting lack of energy and developing personalities. And it's the mission of every God-fearing parent to shame their children into not only directing their efforts into becoming rich, famous and clean-looking like Matt Damon, but repressing their sexuality so they can have some interesting psychological problems to deal with in their middle age. Quote:
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Something that bothers me about the bed test: what about wet dreams? Seriously, part of puberty here. I'm sure a lot more guys whiten their sheets by accident than intentionally. And that's just as embarrassing for a teen to talk about. At least that's out of your control, though, rather than mucking it up on purpose. |
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I don't think the point of the test is to actually smell the semen since the article directs the parent to smell the bed and then declare that it smells like semen regardless of whether it does or not. The point of the test is to gauge the reaction of the suspected masturbator, though that doesn't make it any less stupid since a smart child would just state that it was a wet dream. Seriously, who would run out of the room at that question?
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A smart child would say, "I wouldn't know." Makes the parent feel embarassed for saying it, exonerates the child. Or at least does so as much as the child can be. To be honest, if you're smelling your kids mattress and saying "This smells like semen!" to try and get them to confess, you've already decided that they are masturbating, and nothing's going to convince you otherwise.
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Okay, I just have to say this.
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, PEOPLE! STOP MAKING PEOPLE OF FAITH LOOK BAD! http://s.cdn.gaiaonline.com/images/c...con_scream.gif I am physically nauseated from reading that. :mad: |
Ladies and gents, I present to you... Organised Religion! The most fucked up of human creations!!
Seriously this whole article is fucked up on so many levels I don't even know where to begin, so I'm classing it all as utterly terrible and trying to purge it from my mind. I just hope the entire thing is a fake site taking the piss out of religious beliefs but I honestly can't tell. |
You know this site is a joke, right guys?
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To NonCon's post: What, The, Fuck! Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I would have been happy not knowing that...Super Glue? Not only that, it should be considered abuse. Man, I so hope Gat pets go to heaven. I think almost all male dog's are bisexual! |
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That's the scary thing. There are actually people who are really like this out there. Edit: Checking the page right now, there's nothing in the related articles that seem too out of place. |
I guess it wouldn't be wise to bait them then.
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This is what happens when I don't sleep.
All I'm going to ask is: Is it bad that when I first read the topic title that I took "spot" as, like, what people do for each other when doing gymnastics? I was really curious why one would need a spotter for masturbation...
Also yeah I'm getting hardcore satire vibes from this website. |
That whole site screams satire. The way it's written also. You don't want to tell me that such crazies exist? And they can read and write? And there are other crazy people who support the crazy people. Maaan, it's a nightmare.
I mean, I like to think it's a joke so I don't lose all my faith in humanity. Not much to lose, though. |
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This thread is gross.
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Yeah now that I think about it, it seems obvious the site's target audience would never reach the site before their children.
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I dunno, there are some pretty internet savvy fundies and other enemies of masturbation out there. The only thing they lack is the common sense to tell they are being mocked.
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I think it says something about the religious crazies that even if this is satire, it's incredibly easy to believe that religious crazies really think like this.
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Viridis already mentioned Poe's Law so yeah, it's not surprising lots of people took it at face value.
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Guys, it's a joke, did you not see the diagrams.
http://i44.tinypic.com/205quxk.jpg And the other articles: Do gay pets go to heaven? Quote:
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That's right, I inhaled it. EDIT: Not the post, that would be gross, just its smell. |
Do you think people really care if it's a joke or not? Like seriously, It's fun to mock and dink around with the subject so why does it matter? Plus it grosses out Fenris so that's a bonus!
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I think you guys talking about where you masturbate, and whether or not you mind sleeping in it is pretty much gross to anyone with a modicum of sensibility.
Just tossing that out there. |
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On that note, what sort of baum -is- OSTERbaum?
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Man, I never said I did in my bed.
Grossness aside, I have an HP laptop. If I set it on my bed, I'm pretty sure the blankets would cover part of one fan and my lappy would catch fire. Fucking HP |
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I want to click the link for "retarded ejaculation," but I know it won't be nearly as good as the mental image it instills.
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Is it bad that I started to think how a water bed full of the stuff would actually work? |
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If religious fanatics haven't made them scared of their own shadow, they don't have a messed up sense of social righteousness and they are sexually active, they masturbate, period.
Some of my friends work in adult stores, girls and guys, and I can tell you that most of these points about defending the wholesomeness of the norm vs dirty rumors are flat out denial by people who refuse to look at themselves in the mirror. |
This is the greatest thread ever. Also Krogo, a water bed full of it is kinda cumfy.
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Wonder if you could blame it on the bed if someone gets pregnant?
"It's not my fault you got knocked up. It was my bed. It's full of my vigorous seed." Oh god, I did the math to figure out how long it would take to fill a queen-sized water bed (187 gallons) with one's seed. Let's just say you shouldn't have any plans for nearly the next six years. The math |
With the speed semen dries/vanishes into sheets, you stand no risk of 'rolling' into it or gettin' sticky. At least, it's gone by morning to a point you can't see it, smell it, or touch it.
Related News: My mom still thinks Christwire isn't parody. True Story. Edit: Your math is flawed, or rather you're basis on semen production speed is flawed (or based on yourself, which is kind of sad I think.) I'm pretty sure I could manage it inside a year. |
Now Zach, don't you think that bed would be similar to a bowl of thick pudding?
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I wonder if a girl has gotten pregnant from someone's wet dream seed. Or even left over jerk of seed....herm....Is that even possible?
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It is possible to get pregnant from a small amount of sperm. It's just not all that propable. And the sperm has to be live, obviosly. So no week-old spills.
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So, we had a thread where we spoke about a forumite's boobs, and now we go with spunk mattress...
I can hardly wait for the next episode! |
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Edit: Next week, cock talk! |
This must be how Pandora felt.
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Oh, that wacky Pandora.
Always playing with her box. |
And you would not BELIEVE how smelly her bed was.
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But atleast it was the softest bed ever.
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The rest of you guys don't need to worry. There's always hope.
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After all the horrible things that came out of there last time she opened it up, I don't really have any desire to go in there digging for it, personally.
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You shouldn't talk about your mother like that, POS.
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See, the difference with her is that there was never any hope inside to begin with.
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God dammit, I hate it when I miss these threads.
Next time, fuck mowing the lawn. Because I can always do it tomorrow. ALWAYS. |
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I saw this a while ago and I thought it was satire. Like, most of it reads like crazy people but there are sentences here and there that literally make no sense.
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