Scenes From a Hat
 

Ok, since it seems Mafia took over this forum, I think it's time to develop something else.

Thus, I give you scenes from a hat. I'll take suggestions submitted via PM, put them in my military-themed hat, and it'll be up to you all to do the chosen suggestion does. I'll probably go about 24-48 hours between picking a new one. Now remember: aside from this starter, all suggestions will come from other players, and will be entirely random.

Anyway, to start things off....

"Things not to say during Sex"

Quip away!

Anything is appropriate as long as you have the right partner. Except maybe shouting the name of your ex.

*makes a phone with his hand*

What? No, I can talk. I'm only having sex.

Thanks, but I think I'm now attracted to men.

Did I remember to take my STD medication this morning...?

...uh... what the fuck are you doing?

You really do look a lot like your mother.

Happy birthday Grandma!

Wait lets update our status!

I'm sorry, what was your name again?

OH, and yes, you CAN go more then once.

"Don't grab me by the buns; I'e got a bad case of the runs."

"It just, I don't know, it feels much more freeing to do this without protection."

"So I went to the doctors to get this wart on my lip examined the other day and, funny story there..."

I will not apologize for this at all. You can't make me.
 

"Allright Billy-Bob, you can get the shovel now!"

"Could you stop making so much noise? I'm trying to play Skyrim."

Ok, new trend!

"Talking your way out of a failed sobriety test."

I swear officer, I'm never drunk till I've had at least 6, and that case is still half full!

"I'll sue you for putting me on this wobbly platform of yours! How am I supposed to prove I'm sober on this ground?"

"C'mon officers, I know you two -three- two are a pair of reasonable fellows. Couldn't you let me off with a warning?"

"Occifer, calling what I was doing driving is like calling your mother purty."

"Hey hot stuff, wanna break off early and go get a drink? I'll treat *kissy face*"

No, no officer...s? Officer? Occifers. Yeah.
See, I work in a lab, and while we were testing with some hallucinogenics, some gin we used to replace the pure alcohol we ran out of got spilled on me. So, you see, I'm not drunk at all!
It's just a false positive!

... why are you looking at me like that?

(I have not gotten any new subjects for this.)

[Can I restart this? I'm going to try.]

"Inappropriate things to say at a funeral."

"And til the end, this asshole owed me ten dollars. I'm probably going to go through his wallet when you all turn away.

What?"

Geez, he'd really put on some weight, hadn't he?

"I'd hit it."

I say we should bury him in concrete, just in case he's a zombie.

"Oh, you guys FOUND the body? That wasn't supposed to happen."

*Directed toward the brand-new opposite sex widow/widower*

"Sorry about your loss. My place or yours?"


EDIT: (Anyone who has read or played the Pokemon Umbral RP might find the above comment to be amusing for a particular in-character reason)

*Loudly so everyone can hear* "OK GEORGE! That was real funny but it's time to stop faking it! You can't keep laying there and expect me to be fooled! Hell, I have half the mind to bury you anyway you trickster son of a bitch!"

New Scene:
"Awful things to say to Cashiers."

Not exclusively cashiers, mind you.
 

"Fuck you asshole go die in a ditch."

"Alright, sir, here's your change of $4.04"

"Where? I can't find it!"

"Wait a few minutes, I'm on the phone."

You will give me this for free... *Jedi hand wave*

New Scene:
"Awkward starts to Award Speeches".

"I did not expect to win any awards tonight, so perhaps that explains why I am wearing a shirt that reads 'Fuck You Oscars', which I can only say I deeply regret purchasing now..."

"Mr. McRobertsmith, wherever you are, fuck you for telling me back in fifth grade that I'd never amount to anything . . . you moron."

"Now before I begin, I would like you all to know that even though all the doors have been welded shut, and the water from the sprinkler system has been replaced with various flammable liquids, and the projector is showing a video of me explaining why you all need to die, I actually totally forgot my lighter -funny story that- and we should all just calmly carry on as normal and accept that mistakes were made."

Hey, the hooker in the podium's dead.

"Yeah sorry but I have to take a piss really bad right now I'll be right back."

Let's get to the point: the winner is... *Looks at envelope* Oh hell no. *Throws it down in disgust and walks away.*

Hahah nice. I'll throw in a new scene to try "Lines you don't want to hear from the bathroom stall next to you."

"Don't Scream."

"Oh yeah... mmmm... keep going..."

Later, when you're washing up, the bathroom stall that was next to yours opens and only one guy comes out.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/...bing-fail1.jpg

If I heard something like that especially from someone who claimed to be a janitor, I would be one of the first ones out.

Got a new topic for you guys if you are willing.

"Lines that you'd use to reject an unwanted admirer/date."

"I meant to say this earlier but . . . um . . . I have Dire Herpes."

It works 99% of the time
 

"I post regularly on an internet forum dedicated to a webcomic that ended years ago."

Sorry, you're just not anime enough.

"How about we go for a night time stroll in the woods, just you and me? Just gimme a sec, need to grab my shovel."

New Topic:
"What would grandma find uncomfortable, yet oddly charming?"

(Edit: A reminder; One line responses always work best!)

Happy birthday grandma! It's a male stripper!

Hey, that's from Cards against Humanity!

SHHHHHHHH