What do ya think about....
 

i kno this is long but you kno what happens when you get on one of those writting tares... just keeps goin and goin and goin.... so ne way what do ya think?(o and i am blankin out the name just in case ya know):

A Mere Kiss

Oh dearest ____, can't you see the sunrise,
The golden yellow streaming down to touch your face
Lighting the darkness of your wondrous soul
Giving reason to love and see all that you are

The wind blowing your lustrous hair,
Caressing your body loose and full
Against your white, soft skin,
We touch, and all goes white
The world gone to my very eye

You, I thought lost by all our kind,
Intelligent, soft, and pure
A feeling, a sense of being lost
But all is now well, I have found you,
The universe, now complete to me,
Has become fine and alright

Now comes the end of a year,
The cold as white and soft as you
You seem alone and afraid, cold and dismayed
How can a thing of beauty seems so anguished?
Why has this wonderland of ice changed you?
Stole you away and tore your kiss from me

The frightful winter has scorned me, a loss
The depths of the snow engulf you
You leave me in mind, and soul, and body
Now I must reclaim all that has become foreign to me
A tragedy unforgivable for me

A journey, now I begin to see
Hell captured you eye and stole you mind
I must restore balance to a world now lonely
Except in the tears I cry in my dreams of you
A battle I ensue to bring you back

I become consumed by my quest,
Determined not to fail I forge on
Leaving no stone unturned
I battle the demon of your capture
On and on I try, tired and cold

I fight for you and hold my station
Against this evil I strike with relentless persecution
And free you from your bond
We travel with fox-like quickness
Back to the world that we love and cherish

On return things are growing
There is a sparkle in the air and ground
A rebirth of life into all
A new beginning for us to nurture
We grow as one, intertwined as one soul
So full of energy it spreads as a blanket over all

As our work leads us to a constant heat,
We greet all with happiness and inquisition
An interest only seen in tails of great tiems
Only halting to embrace one another
Plant and Animal and Earth unite in our essence
And reach eternalness as one being

The days are long now and my love’s still strong,
Your eyes glistening, a blue shy with cloudless perfection
With every step the land gives softness to your landing
Worshiping your person and life
Natures creature, succulent and joyous

The heat turns to a rainbow of color,
Beautiful in its transformation,
So wondrous are they as they paint the hillside
And so colorful are we as we paint our life

A lifetime now coming to a close,
Accomplishment and satisfaction seep through
A mere kiss is all that was exchanged
And so my mind raced to this reflection
A lifetime in a moment
Problems forgotten, anger, sadness faded
And there was only you and I

You already know what I think about it. ^_^ It's really good. I love the feeling it portrays. It makes me want to go draw a picture. It's a poetic story! ^_^ Very sweet and well written. ^_^ *two thumbs up*

Very... nice. Kind of wish I had something better to say, but my descriptive abiltiy is pretty crap...

well thank you both for well putting yourself through the torture of reading that encyclopedia.... lol

As with a lot of free verse there is obviously no flow to the poem, or the flow is very hard to notice. The flow being the beat you eventually give each word as you read so that the poem eventually gains a certain rythm to it.

Poems with a ryhming structure have patterns that they follow so that the flow of the poem is not lost. This can be anything from a simple ABAB pattern, to more complicated ABACABAC patterns, etc.

I think your poem is very good so far, but only in so much that I consider it a work in progress. It needs a little fine tuning here and there, but what I would focus on is either giving the poem a rhyming pattern or lose the structure you have given it.

The structure you have, and the way poem is written gives the illusion that it should follow a beat. Since it does not, and the mind is constantly searching for one, you never really concentrate on the words or what they are meant to mean/envoke. Well to be more clear, I suppose, I view your poem structure as such:

"Line of poem Line of poem
Line of poem Line of poem Line of
Line of poem Line of poem Line
Line of poem"

Notice how structured it looks. Every word that starts a new line is flush against the page's margin, the words never extending far past the line above or below it. Perhaps a better way to structure your poem would be in a more haphazard way, though if you don't find the perfect way to arrange your words you may end up doing more damage than good. Or try to give it a rhyming pattern.

Otherwise, your poem has great potential. Good job! :D

No-one says a poem has to have anything that ryhmes...

Oh, I totally agree. What I was talking about was the flow of the poem being thrown off due to the structure of the poem. The way it was presented. I couldn't find the flow of the poem and, as a result, didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. My suggestion was to change the way the poem is presented so that such a complication could be avoided. This is a good poem, and I would like to see that it is enjoyed to its full possible potential.

Just trying to give some constructive critisism, y'know? :D

You know, as I look at it again, it sounds like an epic poem... Albeit a very short one. I mean, it tells a story in verse form...

OK i got a short atention span but i think i got it the cop gets kicked off the force cause hes a loose cannon and then he goes back in time to save the princess from the giant cow...

seriously it was good it touched me and not in michel jackson way.

I liked it, and while I feel DWGH is right about the flow, you do have potential. I wouldn't worry too much about editing this, as (from my experience) it would be hard to edit a finished product. It's great in any case.

Edit: Dammit, I hate you people with long names. You get me confused with your initials!