There's this girl...
 

Yeah... I realize that this may not be the best place to ask, but please, don't flame me; I wouldn't do it to you. (Well, I would, but I wouldn't mean it. I'd say I was kidding a few posts later to make you think I was serious and give you some serious advice. Unless I hated you.)

Okay...

My situation: This girl has a boyfriend from another school. An obsessive boyfriend. The thing is, he makes her feel good sometimes, and sometimes she says he's just weird and obsessive. When I'm around her I feel wonderful about myself, and she says I make her feel wonderful about herself. People have asked her and me if we're dating, to which I always reply, "I wish..." In my attempts to impress her, I quit all the drugs I was doing: Cocaine, pain pills, weed, alcohol, and I'm currently on my last pack of cigarettes. I'm down to two smokes a day. She usually meets me at my locker between classes, and all that stuff. We spend as much time as we can with eachother. The other day I gave her a ride home, and before she got out of the car, there was silence, and that kiss feeling in the air. I should have made an attempt to kiss her then, but It's against my standards to kiss a girl who's going out with someone. I'm such an idiot for my ethics. I used to think I was a bad person, but she convinced me I was good after a bit of a discussion. I say I love her, and she says she loves me too, when her mom isn't around. Her mom would tell her boyfriend what I said, I've gathered. Any other time, though, she says it back. She gave me her gum the other day when I said I had a craving for a cigarette. She pulled it out of her mouth and said, "Here, you need it!" And I took it. If I'm looking down and out, she shows concern. Only 2 other people have done that for me, outside my family. I know... it doesn't take much to satisfy me. Everything I've drawn for her, she's hung up on her bedroom door. I've been in her house a few times on unexpected occasions, so I know she isn't bullshitting me.

I'm going to the Christmas dance. Her boyfriend will be there. She says she'll try to get him to let her dance with me. I said, "I don't know how to dance."

She said, "Well, what about a slow dance?"

"I don't know how to slow dance either." The last dance thing I went to was six years ago. And I have never danced in my life before.

"Here, let me show you!" She said, and placed my hands on her hips. She put her hands on my shoulders and we danced there in the hall, and it seemed natural.

I'm scared about going to the Christmas thing with her. I'm afraid I'll get violent on her boyfriend. The last time I got violent, I hospitalized the person and everyone's been afraid of me since then. I don't like being feared. I just don't want her to see me like that; all violent and such.

I saw her making out with her boyfriend when I went to her house one day. I got so mad. I didn't even say "hi." I just went back out to my car and drove off. She rushed out the door. She rushed out with kind of a sad look in her eyes. Her boyfriend just came from behind her and wrapped his arms around her and put his head on her shoulder, and smirked at me.

I just drove fast after that. I was doing about 75 through town. Cops tried to catch me, but I was just too fast. I went and hid out at this abandoned house outside of town I know and spent the night there. I got my cricket bat I got from a trip to England out of my car and just wailed on everything in the house. The walls, floors, tables, chairs... I busted a few big holes in the walls and destroyed the chairs and tables and such. I didn't have any cigarettes to calm my nerves. The next day, she said she wanted that bastard and I to get along, so I said yes. I've seen him since then. He always just smirks at me, and I just drive on, and light a cigarette. When I see him, I tend to chain smoke two or three cigarettes before I calm down.

I'll try to contain myself at the dance, though. I don't like hurting people. I freak out when I do. I visited that guy at the hospital, but he just kept calling the security guards to excort me out.

I dunno.

Writing this has kinda helped.
Anyways, your thoughts?

I'm sorry, but she's playing you. If she really wanted to be with you and not the boyfriend, she would be. She's a little girl who's just discovering her sexual power and being able to control someone like you without ever actually having to do anything is a trip for her. She looked sad when you walked in on her and the boyfriend because she was afraid you'd lose interest and then what fun would you be? The boyfriend is not smirking at you for no reason -- he knows the score. Although I wouldn't be so smug, if I were him -- because it almost sounds as though she wants you two to get in a fight over her. (Just for curiosity's sake -- does this girl have problems with her dad? A stepdad? Lots of stepdads? No father figure at all?)

I'm really sorry to say all that, but again, if she was serious about being with you and not the boyfriend, there wouldn't be all this ambiguity going on. There are never as many girls like this out there as some guys like to think, but the flip side of that is guys like you, who sadly don't ever seem to think they know any at all and get taken advantage of because of it.

And seriously, it's really crappy that someone would treat you like that. You sound like you have some troubles unrelated to this -- you mention thinking you're a bad person, the drug problems, the violence -- that make me kind of wonder if, deep down, you feel like being treated crappily is what you deserve. Because it's not. You don't deserve being treated like a backup option just in case she ever works up the wontons to leave the boyfriend. You don't deserve being led around by the nose. You deserve a girl who'll be nice to you in all the ways this one is, with the big difference being that she's actually interested in you as a boyfriend and shows it.

You can stay friends with this girl if you like, but if I were you I'd try to put a stop to the flirting. It's not fair to you, and it's not right for her to think that manipulating guys that way is at all okay. What you need to be focused on right now is changing some things with yourself, anyway. It's good that you quit the hard drugs and it's awesome that you're cutting down on your smoking, but you still have some things to work on, and I think you know that. Once you get to a place where you feel better about yourself, you'll have enough sense of self-worth to keep you from chasing after girls who don't treat you right.

You can do better than this, and you deserve to.

Yea you know what strike what I said(what was I thinking). I will just delete what I said I agree with the dude above me by the way atleast you quit the hard drugs thats somthing.

Her dad's a materialistic asshole who actually believes people can be bought. He sends her money all the time in hopes that she'll live with him and her brother. Her brother used to choke and her and beat her.

Other than that, nothing. Her mom has a boyfriend, or somesuch.

Dude then why the hell are you interested in her then. That right there is some Jerry Springer crap right there.

Sheesh, what's that got to do with anything? You mean if bad things are going on around you, you're a bad person yourself by default?

Ouch, I'm sorry her homelife is so rough. I asked because usually girls like this tend not to have a good or stable father figure in their lives -- I guess since they didn't learn as children what positive male personalities are like, they go through the rest of their lives treating men like the hostile "other". (Not that all girls without positive male role models will always grow up to be like that -- just that there are definitely more than a few who do.) It's a pretty sad thing all around. Like Meister says, it's not necessarily that she's a bad person because bad things have happened to her -- it just may mean that she doesn't know how to have genuinely affectionate, healthy relationships with guys because she's never known what that's like, platonically or otherwise.

So, what are you thinking about the situation now?

No it does not but it does have an adverse affect on the person.

I think the concern was with the girl being sexual abused when she was young. That would explain somewhat this girl's inability to leave the "bad boy" and get together with Baily, who not only seems to really love this girl (unless he's playing us all for fools), but he also kicked almost all of his drug habits just to impress her. While on that note, congratulations on quitting all the drugs, I've seen people try it, and it seems like a very hard thing to do.

Anyway, I'm no relationship expert, but I think you should draw the line soon. She can't love you both, so she's got to make a choice, and you do too. You seem to love this girl a lot, is it really worth it if she isn't willing to love you back?

Wow. After reading through this thread, I wish I had been told this a year ago. I guess I knew, but I didn't want to pay attention.

Very similar to a situation I was in--only recently did I really realise that although she didn't have any insidious intent, she was still playing me.