*coughRuneScapecough* >.>

"Hmm, I'm running low on car keys - I'll have to buy some more the next time I'm in town." *unlocks car and throws away the resulting broken key*

If RPG was life...
 

(We now join our hero - or rather anti-hero - Jake, as he battles the fierce monstrosity known only as Massacre...)

Jake: Let's see... If I use Maelstrom power now, I'll have the upper-hand for at least a little while, and then I can pour it on to keep the playing field level enough to whittle him down enough to-"

"HEY! Hurry it up!"

Jake: I'm THINKING, dammit! Gimme a break, huh? It's the last freakin' battle!

"Grrrr... DAMN THIS TURN-BASED SYSTEM!!"

Jake: Does Massacre not like strategy games?

"Oh, I LOVE 'em...but I HATE people who can't make up their minds!"

Jake: Yeah, well YOU try taking on the Darkgod of evil!

"I HAVE!"

Jake: You...WHAT?!

"Lost story. I'll tell you during the anime cutscene."

Time to loot every house...because they have treasure chests! I need some elixer...and maybe a new sword...yarrr now I can live the pirate dream!
DBS

Me: Stupid fly, buzzing around my food. I better get rid of it.
Me attacks *Miss*
Me: Wha?
Fly attacks *900*
Me attacks *miss*
Fly attacks *900*
Me: Oh god its the invincible fly of doom.

A pencil? Sure, lemme get it out of my backpack...*digs into bottomless inventory*

Under Pressure
 

*LC is at her desk, surrounded by charts with orders on them and ceaselessly ringing phones*

LC: *on phone while another rings* Could someone answer that, please?
Nurse 1: They don't pay me to answer the phone.
LC: *puts caller 1 on hold and answers phone*
Caller 2: I'm lookin' for my MAMA. I haven't seen her in SO LONG.
LC: O.O *hangs up, answers next call*
Caller 3: I was calling to see how X Y was doing.
LC: I'm sorry, X Y isn't listed as a patient here.
Caller 3: Well, she went to the ******* hospital, so where the **** is she? You all are a bunch of ******* morons. *hangs up*
LC: *twitches*
Doctor 1: Where the **** are my test results?! Why aren't they on the chart?
Doctor 2: Why isn't this done yet?!
LC: *grinds teeth* I'm sorry, doctor. Until my tentacles grow in, I only have one hand with which I can write semi-legibly.
Nurse 2: My patient really wants to go home, so make her chart your next priority.
LC: *twitches* I'm sorry, but the patients who are too sick to go home are my first priority, and I have quite a few of them who need my attention first. If the patient is in a hurry to go home, perhaps you could do the discharge orders.
Nurse 2: *stomps off in a huff*
LC: *answers phone*
House Supervisor: I need a bed for yet another patient.
LC: I could use some help here. This is the ninth admit you've given us, the phones won't stop ringing, the orders keep piling in, and there are a lot of dismissals as well.
HS: I'm sorry, I don't have anyone to spare.
LC: *sighs* All right. *puts HS on hold* Hey, charge nurse, the house needs another bed.
Charge nurse: I'm busy!
Doctor 3: CAN'T ANYONE DO ANYTHING RIGHT AROUND HERE?!?
LC: *clenches fists*
Nurse 3: I don't know why we have clerks. They're about useless.
LC: *growls*
Patient Family Member: Hurry the F*** up! She wants to go home!
LC: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! *explodes out of chair and summons Ifrit*

*a mushroom cloud appears where the hospital once stood*

LC:...um...oops?

*sighs*

Stupid conscience...*mutters incoherently, then summons Phoenix*

You'd be able to cure any ailment, be it chicken pox, cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer's, being Canadian, or even death itself with one quick night's sleep at your local Inn.

SWAT leader: Okay men this guy has robbed two banks and the hostages have been released, let's bring him down.

Rookie: Sir intel just sent us this picture..... he has a sword.

Leader:Our guns are useless we must flee!

No one would be allowed to go swimming because of shrubbery around every drop of water's perimeter.

Long birthday scene from a hat rpgness.
 

We join our heroes, Pyros, Phil, Garud, and Blind Mime as they head home from a fun evening of watching a blitzball tournament, then copious amounts of drinking.

Pyros: Awwwmannn....*hic!* I'm smashed like a (expletive removed: Beer kills!) on a highway!

Garud: Speaking of aardvarks and roadways, should we be driving? I mean, I'm pretty sure that we've all had a bit too much to drink legally. Heck, I'm pretty sure Phil's suffering from alcohol poison...

Phil: Woo ABES! GO FOR IT! GO FOR IT NOW!

BM: Heh, don't worry about it! I'm covered for this! (pulls out elixir and drinks it)

Mime is cured of Drunkenness!

Pyros: Hmm....you'd think that'd also cure your blindness as well...

BM: ...Sadly. Oh well. Got to keep my eyes on the road.

Phil: PYROS! CAST CHARM WITH YOUR ASHETH BOOBS!

Pyros: I only did that so I could keep the Goers from scoring. I hatesess them! Plus, I had a bet with Setzer.

Garud: Eh, they're not so bad. I managed to copy all their hard earned techniques and Blitzball skills instantly by just watching them, and It's definitely better than what I got from the Fangs.

Mime: Yeah, I know I-

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!

Rabid Deer Appears!

Pyros: Ack! A DEER! HIT THE BREAKS!

Blind Mime: Where? Is it in front of us?

*Car runs over Deer, it bounces off bumper and over the car, as a bunch of blood, guts, and venison pour in through the car's sunroof*

Rabid Deer is defeated!

176 exp gained!
Pyros needs 777 exp to next level.
Blind Mime needs 123 exp to next level.
Phil levels up! At+1 MP+10!
Phil learns Cheer!
Garud needs 2 exp to next level.
376 gold, 2 potions, and 3.lbs of venison recieved.

Phil: CHEER! YAYS!

*Attack and Defense up*

Garud: No! It dented the bumper! This car was a rental!

Mime: Don't worry! I'm fairly sure that 376 gold that deer had on him should pay for it.

Garud: I didn't even get a level up. And i was so close too...

Pyros: Hey mime, turn left here to get on Jenova Highroad.

BM: Alrighty!

CRITICAL FAILURE!

BM/Pyros/Garud/Phil: NOEESSS!

*Car swerves off the road, into a brick wall, then explodes.*

Pyros: Whew! That was a bad crash. Lucky for me that I had a amulet of +3 car crash defense. Hmm, so how'd the rest of you fare?

Garud: MY LEGS!....GONE!

Phil: Should my ribs be poking out from my skin like that?

BM: I'M BLIND!! BLIND DEAR GOD, BLIND!

Pyros: Geeze, it's not that big a deal. I swear, you guys are all the drama queens. *checks status screen* Well what do you know, I took some damage might as well drink a potion.

Pyros drinks potion! Pyros recovers 50 hp!

Garud: Potion..please....

Pyros drinks potion! Pyros recovers 50 hp!
Pyros: Whoo boy, I was thirsty! That really hit the spot!

Garud: Whyy?

Pyros: Oh, don't be such worry wort. I'll just use my other char's newfound cooking ability and you'll all be healed in a jiffy!

Pyros logs out.
Asheth logs in.

Asheth: Okay! Now, who wants some deer steak?

Phil: Noo! You're INT's far too low for that, and I don't think we have the GUTS for it!

BM: And If I'm not mistaken, isn't this this second time you've cooked?

Garud: Plus, you haven't invested any points into the cooking skillset beyond the bare minimum!

Asheth: Oh, you guys worry too much. What could go wrong?

Asheth cooks venison! Asheth makes burnt porridge!

Garud: How can you make burnt porridge from deer meat?

Asheth: With difficulty. Now eat up!

BM: I think...I'll pass.

Phil: I think I feel better by simply not eating it...Augh! My stomach acid has sprung loose and is eating away at my liver!

Asheth: Are you implying that my cooking may not be the best?

BM:Nooo....
Phil: Not so much as not good...maybe...
Garud: Yes.

Asheth: Well tough! EAT IT!

Phil/Garud/BM gain +2 hp!
Phil/Garud/BM are Poisoned!

Asheth: Eep! You guys don't look so good... Maybe I shouldn't have placed all those skill points on mind control....

SEPHIROTHCLOUDPWNSJUUCUZHE"SDABOMBNOOB!: HOW I MINE FOR FISH?

Asheth: You mind? We're kinda in the midst of a horrible cars accident here.

SEPHIROTHCLOUDPWNSJUUCUZHE"SDABOMBNOOB: I NEED MINE FOR FISH! HOW? PLZ!

Asheth: Liek tihs, Noob, ROTFLOL!

Asheth casts Mind Control!

Asheth: Now, go jump off that conveniently placed cliff!

SEPHIROTHCLOUDPWNSJUUCUZHE"SDABOMBNOOB: OMGHAX!

SEPHIROTHCLOUDPWNSJUUCUZHE"SDABOMBNOOB has just died. Ouch man.

Pyros: I suppose I'll just have to walk you guys back to the nearest town and get you some medical help...

Garud: BUT! MY LEGS!!

Phil: and my chest!

BMime: And my EYES!

Pyros: Eh, just set me up as team leader, and I'll just do all the walking.

(3 hours, 40 monster encounters, and 2 save points later....)

Pyros: Finally, a town.

*Town is full of demons, an army's attacking it, and a giant meteor is falling down from the sky*

Pyros: Seems safe enough. Best check the party...

Garud: gah...invisible and unbreakable binds of partyship...dragging me along the rocky road...damn follow along party type! Poison...still sapping...strength..

BMime: I"M STILL BLIND!

Phil has been dead for the last hour! Ouch man!

Pyros: Hmm..now where to find some good medical...HEY! AN INN!

*Inside Inn*

Innkeeper: It'll be 40 gold for the night.

Pyros: What? 40 gold for a rank Inn like this? What a ripoff!

Innkeeper: It'll be 40 gold for the night.

Pyros: Damn NPC's...

*Pyros casts Firaga!*

Innkeeper: *on fire* It'll be 40 gold for the night.

*Pyros walks past her. The barely living forms of BM and Garud are dragged along the wooden floor, whilst what remains of Phil rolls after.*

Garud: All...going dark....everything...oh so peaceful...will I dream?

Mime: ROSEBUD!

Pyros: Well, good night guys. See you in the morning. *hops into bed.*

*Hops out of bed in less than 10 seconds later*

Pyros: What a good nap! How are you guys doing?

Garud: Oh, fine.

Phil: Never been better.

Blind Mime: Heck, I think my health went up by a 100.

Pyros: Well, that's good I- *steps down from bed*

CRITICAL FAILURE!

*Pyros SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS!*

Pyros has died. Ouch man.

B.Mime: Looks like we'll have to stay the night again to revive Pyros...

Phil: Forget that!

Garud: Let's just leave him here, the jerk!

B.Mime: Oh. Okay!

*Garud, B.Mime, and Phil have left the party!*

Innkeeper: *still on fire* It'll be 40 gold for the night.

Pyros: *In limbo* Suppose I"d best reload from an earlier save...

SAVE FILE CORRUPTED! RESTART FROM BEGINNING!

*In Mother's womb*

Pyros: Well...crap.