Awkward Phonecalls
 

Today I received an rather strange message from a friend on my cell phone. She's a college graduate witha bachelors of science, in medical school currently.

So yeah, she's all smart and such.

The message however, was unintelligible garbage. Now I assumed that she was being facetious at first, and citing comically her experimental drug usage years I said "I blame the drugs."

To which she replied, in still garbled text, "su d ii."

So long story short, she had been prescribed sedatives to help her sleep and they somehow affected her sensory system, emulating a hallucinogen and causing her to see phantom facial hair sprout out of Whoopie Goldbergs mug on an episode of Star Trek. After I was almost certain there was no immediate medical danger (she knew better than I did anyways...) we had a very strange, drug induced conversation for a few hours. I initially thought she might have accidentally OD'ed on something, when it turned out that she was just acclimating to a new prescription. I was very relieved to say the least.

So has anyone else had a strange telephone experience like that? Just, surreal and somewhat frightening but ultimately comical?

I think I've been in that conversation from the opposite end, to be honest.

She ended up telling me about a conversation she had when she was fourteen with some guy she met over the internet who claimed to have had sex with a crazy woman wearing only a cardboard box.

You can't make this stuff up!

Actually, you can make that up. But it'd take some serious storytelling. =D

For me, one time I had a wrong number and called a guy in Canada. ._. Who wasn't angry or anything, but he kept on wanting to talk to me! Since I was usin' a phone card, I kept telling him that my minutes were being used. He'd go like "Gee, don't use them all up! Now what happened next..." So I just hung up on him.

Strange girl that's floated in and out of my life calls me today and simply asks me if I want to go out on a mission tonight in Newark to break someone out of jail.

With her, I really can't tell if she's joking. Really.

I've gotten a call from someone in Michagan....and this girl on the other line thought that her boyfriend was cheating on her with me.

My ex-boyfriend and I have to stay in contact due to our roles in our church. Considering the reasons we broke up, every single conversation we have on the phone now is an exercise in awkwardness.

I once got this call, about two years ago. My dad picked up, raised an eyebrow. "Bradley, it's for you." Then, attempting humor, he added, "It's a girrrrl."

I pick up the receiver and say, "Hello?"

From the other side I hear "I'matStarWarsareyoujealous?" with a pitch normally associated with Chip and Dale.

I say, "No, not really, I'm going to see it tommorrow."

The reply is, "You'rejealousIcantell *click*"

I put the receiver down, and my sister asks, "So Bradley, who was thaaat?"

My only reply?

"I have no fucking clue."


Turns out it was my girlfriend who had just drank a concoction of 7up with dissolved skittles in it. About a litre of it. She was hyper beyond all rational belief.

Warning:This post/rant is about a phonecall that drove Pyros crazy. Consider that.
 

The most awkward phonecall I've ever experienced (Well, most phonecalls are awkward for me because I'm not used to using them, as no one ever calls me and I prefer it that way) was from this guy named Patrick who is this Psycho who sells Kirby Vaccuums for a living and wanted me to help him play the sort of games on my computer with his sucktarded computer.

So after i do what I could, the man calls me and whines about how it's now working, and by his tone of voice I know he expects me to have some super cure or wonderfix that will make it work. I tell him that I can't do anything, he just needs to buy some better stuff for his computer. And then he's begging to borrow my Windows XP disc so he can upgrade his, and also he'd like to HAVE my GC/PC controller adapter, and he won't take no for an answer.

Now at this time I've got some lameass thing to go to and my Parent's are calling for me and I'm telling them that I can't come up right now because I'm on the phone and I'm too polite to just hang up on the guy. I tell him i can't help him, and that I need to hang up but he just keeps talking and whining and bitching. If I could, I'd reach through the phone and arson his ass just to make him shut up. But then again, he's also PSYCHO. Not my Few-Cards-Short-of-Full-Deck crazy, but I"M GOING TO KIDNAP YOU, DRESS UP AS SASUKE, STRIP YOU NAKED AND DEGENDER YOU WITH A RUSTY KITCHEN KNIFE I CALL A KUNAI.

So I'm trying to do this delicately, and nicely, but he don't get the hint. Or he don't want to. And my Parents are getting antsy now and calling for me more. I tell them "I'm coming, one moment" but obviously they don't hear me or something because my room is the bermuda triangle of the house (Trust me. Radios don't work in it, cellphones lose signal, things dissappear and never show up again). So then they start yelling at me to come as if I'm so rude not to answer them then they're going to yell angrily at me.

And of course, Patrick doesn't hear it, and he's actually asking me if I"d be interested in a $150 dollar vacuum cleaner that can pick up bowling ball, mop, and make julien fries. So naturally, I sarcastically remark "Why yes, If you can sell me something that will suck the fleas out of my carpet, I'd sell you my soul" and he doesn't get it's a joke and takes me seriously, and asks when I can I be expecting it and that they don't take Visa's.

Now Mom and Dad (who has come to take me to this important thing that I can't remember....Was it Senior Night at church....???) are YELLING AT THE TOP OF THEIR FRIGGIN LUNGS at me, and It's more than I can take. I explode. I'm sick and tired of them yelling at me and not hearing me calling back, I'm sick and tired of this damn Phonecall, and I"m sick and tired of Patrick!

So naturally, my cool quiet mousy Jeremy the Mr. Nice guy politeness goes out the door and is replaced with PyrosNine the Asshole and I hold the phone up to my mouth and at the same time open my door, and yell

"SHUT THE F__K UP YOU B-------DS I"M TRYING TO FINISH A F-----G PHONECALL AND I SAID I WAS COMING SOME 13 F-----G TIMES SO STOP YOUR YELLING I"M NOT THAT MOTHERF-----G DEAF SO JUST GIVE ME ONE F-----G MINUTE!"

Naturallly, my dad's a bit spooked (he is never home when I'm really really angry, lucky son of a gun) My mom's taken aback, and suddenly Patrick has realized maybe he should stop opening his piehole. He finally is moved enough to end the conversation, and I'm singing Hallelujah as I shut the phone off and when I come upstairs mothers already going through that "Oh my son's going through that rebellious phase in life, and that I was only calling because you didn't answer"

Fortunately, I managed to calm down and explain my outburst, but since then Patrick has learned to call and ask for my Brother for help and to borrow stuff because they're both boring nuisances.

Please excuse my crudeness and poor typing on this post, it's just that when I think about times that have truly made me angry, it all just flys out there. But in closing, what had to be the worst part of this call is it took 30 minutes and I missed Bobobo.

On an unrelated note: Pyros I like your new avatar

Anyways my most awkward phone call was the day I got my wisdom teeth out...I has unable to keep anything down that day...seriously everthing I ate I would puke up almost instantly...

So I called the doctor's office and left a message...they called back later and well ask you can imagine talking to a nurse about what I had eaten and subsequentally up chucked was...not the greatest converation I've ever had...

Anyways they said get some benodryl (if you've seen the movie Hitch you'll know why that's mildly amusing) and well that actually worked...Hooray!
DBS