Originally Posted by Rooster

The
13 steps to
Mental
Illness


The first of the thirteen steps to mental illness is to have a problem- one which you can later on deny having. This first step is fairly easy to achieve since many addictive substances are sold on seedy street corners normal people have no business standing on; for example; cocaine, marijuana, chocolate, heroine, and sex.

WARNING! The items mentioned above are addictive and may be hazardous to a worthwhile lifestyle; the following list contains other addictive things that may not have as many side effects: eating, breathing, watching TV, mouthing off to authoritative figures and sex.

The second step is also an easy one depending on the problem you may or may not deny you have: stop paying attention to your bodily hygiene. Many perfectly sane (or so they say) people have already mastered this step and can easily move on to step three. Almost every human, with the exceptions of those freaks at the coffee shop, have friends. Incoincidentally, steps three through six are all about friends.

3. Ignore your friends to gain attention, there’s nothing people like better than someone who won’t talk to them.

4. Confess to them what you have been doing, not your addiction but rather the showering that you haven’t been doing or the teeth-brushing you righteously ignore. Your good and reliable friends will help your get back into the habit of changing your underwear and combing.

5. Refuse all of the help your “friends” attempt to give you and instead hide in the corner with your coveted piece of Hershey’s Dark with Almonds.

6. Spread rumors and steal everyone’s right shoe—this may seem unimportant but eventually the social structure of the world will collapse. Now that we have successfully gotten rid of all the friends you may or may not have had (varying with the code of the coffee shop) we can continue your endearing and painful fall down the socio-economic ladder.

Step seven just happens to be taking a vacation from all the work you’ve been avoiding, grab some of your relative’s money and head down south, unless you’re already at the South Pole in which case you should stay where you are and live it up with all the large ice cubes.

After for to six weeks (not including shipping and handling) you should head back home and on your way pick up a new hobby, like Frankenstein’s life-creating, playing Dungeons & Dragons, juggling scissors or stamp collecting; this is step number eight.

Step nine; mutter things to yourself in public places, consider the meaning of the universe while sitting on someone’s lawn gnome naked and lastly become an expert on things people don’t want to hear about and talk about them at a formal dinner party, afterwards go home and stare at the wall for a few hours.

Step number ten is slightly more difficult, you must steal a grocery cart and fill it with cans you’ve collected over the years, yell incoherently at anyone who attempts to stop you but remember; they are just afraid of you than you are of them. Shank if necessary.

Eleventh is a very optional step and should only be attempted by experts, noobs, Goths, and light switches; spell your name using only generic food items, then eat crayons and sleep under the fig tree, if you cannot find a fig tree simply set a building on fire.

Let’s review; you have a terrible addiction to which you deny having, you haven’t shaved, showered, brushed or done anything cleansing with your body for at least two months. You’ve lost the friends you’ve never had and contributed to the downfall of society. You’ve chilled with glaciers and on the way back you took on a creepy hobby no one wants to hear about, you’ve shown yourself to be illiterate, incessant and delusional, not to mention annoying. You’ve been a bum on the streets and may have killed people who wouldn’t give you cans. You spelled your name with food and set the Oswald’s home on fire. You’ve stolen drugs, your friends’ right shoe, a bar of chocolate, money from a close relative, stamps, a lawn gnome, a grocery cart and a fig tree.

Step number twelve; check yourself into the loony bin you sick freak.


Step 13, rinse and repeat.