Short video proposal
 

Okay. So my friend, an independent film maker, is doing a series of 10 minute short story videos. She has commissioned me, an independent writer, to write at least most of them.

Here's what I've got for my first one. It's an internal monologue overshadowing a series of scenes and flashbacks, starting with the end scene, than showing the events that led to it.







So this is what life had in store for me. My last moments to be spent staring at the end of a gun. Broken, bruised, bleeding from too many places, my body unable to even move. The irony of it all is not lost on me, either.

A week ago I was happily married to a beautiful woman. We had two children, both barely walking and talking. To daddy's surprise, that would all change in an instant. All that greeted me when I got home was police tape. And blood. Too much blood. And yet, despite it all, there was something about this. Something all too familiar.

A mark on the wife's body, a mark I can recall all too clearly. Plain as day on her, cut in her skin after her death, the same mark I bore as a tattoo on my arm. The mark of an assassin.

I couldn't just walk away from it, though I tried. Too much baggage was left behind. One too many deaths for me to just forget my past. And apparently, my past did not forget me, either. Cradled in my arms, the lifeless body spoke volumes to me, even though her lips had long since grown silent.

Unfinished business has a way of catching up to you, but this time I'm going to be the one catching up. Long had the weight of a gun in my hands stopped feeling natural. But the way I figure, it's all like riding a bike.

There would be obstacles of course, people always getting in the way. And there would be a price for overcoming each one. The body, while durable, will grow rusty as a blade without constant use.

Even so, pain can just as easily become an impressive motivator to keep moving.

Another hurdle reached, another obstacle overcome. More sacrifices made, but nothing can stop me now. My goal is in sight, I can taste the metallic blood filling my lungs, my steps getting heavier. But that is in the background, only my goal stays focused in my vision.

Vision, bloodstained and clouded by sweat, but never losing it's clarity. I can feel the rush of victory coursing through my system, replacing the large amounts of blood lost to get here. At last, at the end of my journey, I stare eye to eye with my past. Here, in a circle of equals, he stares back at me. My rival, my friend, my target. Unable to let go of a past that entwined us both, he sought me out. He had found my family instead.

Now, we have found each other. Tauntingly, he mocks my progress, my wounds stinging with his acid-laden words. He speaks of a pact betrayed, a promise broken. He speaks of insults, but his words fall on deaf ears. Moments pass as I can no longer hear his acrid speech.

Until, as the pounding became numb, I could hear him ask me a single question. "... and you think you have the strength to kill me?" Slowly, a smile plays upon my lips. Unbuttoning the jacket that had become so heavy upon my shoulders, I open the flaps and lay bare the contents inside.

As his eyes widen, so does my smile. Glistening in the light coming in from the window, the tiny packages wrapped around my chest break his usually calm exterior.. My parting wisdom, the last words I would utter to an old friend turned murderer of all I could hold dear. "I don't have the strength to kill you, but I do have the resolve to kill us both."

Any further words were meaningless, wasted breathe made mute by the glistening light all around. A soft click within the sleeves of my jacket was the last audible noise before the room was engulfed in the purifying flames of god's judgement. As the flames died down, all that remained of two killers was the bitter memory of their existence. All else, blown away by the oncoming breeze of the evening. For from ash we sprang... and to ash are we returned.









There it is. Enjoy and critique to yer hearts content.


edit: ;.; 29 views and no one's posted a critique.... I am le sad.

I enjoyed it. I'm not really sure how it will do in a video, but at least it's pretty good on paper. I will say that at a point or two I was a tad lost on what was happening, but those moments were brief, and that could be fixed when it's transfered to video. Good luck on makin' more of these.

Wow... I loved it. I can see a bit of video streaming through my head right now. Can't wait to see the finished product. If you could... can you put the video on here... or at least a link to it?

Keep up the good work!!

Will do. Thanks for the input. I have some other Ideas, one was originally a page-long story I did for someone for halloween (Yes I will do request pieces. But only short stories and the like, nothing major... yet)... If we end up doing the video, it might be awhile but I will definitely link it up.

I'll have more put up here as soon as I write them down.

I think it was good. Good writing, nice language. Allthough I think that the story might seem a bit clische at some points. Of course, I don't really know what your friend is looking for from her short movies.

*nods* Aye, with that kind of a story it's hard to draw away from the cliche. When it gets adapted to screenplay we hope to modify it enough to be a workable piece.

Yeah. I had this vision in my head, of short flash back moments of what has happened. Those flash back moments, each being short and not really saying much, just a bunch of images telling a strory would cover most of the short movie and then just end in an explotion, with allready in the beginning being explaned how and why.

If you get at all what I mean. It's kinda hard to put visions of film in a form that others will understand too.

Really good writing, and I can definitely see this being made into a good movie.

The idea of how to tell the story is really damn good. If you want any help in execution of this, you should watch "Memento". It developed the story in exactly that way. Plus it was a great movie.

The way I've got it planned right now is going to involve only one live action sequence, and that's the face off at the beginning. The rest will be still shots, sketchworks, some newsprint shots.

Each paragraph is a different collage of still-scenes. Each sentence would change a camera angle or add a new piece onto the collage. For example, here's the current layout I had planned for the second paragraph.

"A week ago I was happily married to a beautiful woman." Black and white shot of a wedding invitation, with the picture of them actually at the alter transposed on the invitation. Wedding Bells chime lightly in the background.

"We had two children, both barely walking and talking. To daddy's surprise, that would all change in an instant." For the first scene, it would go to a still-shot color photo of the husband and wife with their two kids in the backyard playing. By the end of the sentence it would have slowly turned to black and white. As soon as the word instant was uttered, the picture would turn deep red than fade out.

"All that greeted me when I got home (that night) was police tape." Black and white photo of police cars and ambulances parked on the curb and driveway in front of his house. The sirens are still in full color and flashing. The sound of his car speeding to a stop followed by the shouts of paramedics and police officers.

"And blood. Too much blood." Cut to a newsprint shot of his wife's dead body and those of his children.

"And yet, despite it all, there was something about this." The camera would start to zoom in on the picture of the wife, focusing on a series of cut marks on her arm that formed a pattern. As it got to where the cut was encompassing the entire camera view, "Something all too familiar."


That's what I've got for the first paragraph so far. Working on the second one. I'm probably going to submit to her my idea for the shots once I get 3-4 paragraphs in.