Pressure and Depression
 

As I said before, I can always come to you guys for help :D

You see, if I discussed this type of thing with my actual friends, they wouldn't provide much support and would think less of me. I don't want them thinking I'm coming into school with a gun or anything.

My life, how do I say this, is falling apart and ripping at the seams. It has been ever since I was born. My grades have been sucky all through school (mostly 1.7-2.7 GPA), I was born skinny and short, my dad was clearly hoping for a Harvard graduate, my brother can easily overpower me and I am 2 1/2 years older, I have no girlfriend, I have no integrity amongst my peers, I am yet to be accepted to a college, no one understands me, I spend most of my time sad, even at happy events, my friends are what most consider "weird", I perpetually lie to my parents about school, I always slip off into daydreaming, even when my dad is talking, my mom is pressuring me to do better at school, my english teacher is pressuring me to do better, my brother is showing me up, I've had two car accidents in 2 months (one totalling the car), my parents are divorced, I see my dad every Tuesday and every other weekend, he is seeing another woman, he deserves better, my mom doesn't think so, I am the bi-weekly target of Juniors who tower over me, there is no reason, I spend most of my time trying to "escape" by listening to music or playing video games or watching anime, I feel as if I don't matter, sometimes I cry myself to sleep, my mom admitted she was thinking of sending me to a shrink when I was a toddler because I didn't talk much, I enjoy being quiet, I regret every memory I have, my grandpa has congestive heart failure, every report card is a burden on me, I don't have depression (at least I don't think I do), I've grown to hate "preps" and "jocks" through experience, I have no athletic ability, I have no artistic skill either, my only joy is through writing.

*sigh*

And to think, I'm a Christian who thinks there's a God out there with a plan. He must have spilled coffee on my part.

Well, enough self-pity. I realize every kid goes through these emotions at one time or another, but I feel like I'm going to break down. I really can't take much more of this. I look foreward to the future, but sometimes I just wish someone would shoot me or hit me with a car. No, I'm not suicidal, I just wish all these troubles would go away. I think suicide is insane and I'd never even think of doing it. Neither would I think of shooting up a damn school.

But, who am I to complain anyway? I have a house, food on the table every night, and a chance at an education. I really have no right to complain. But, you see, this angers me more. That I have no right to complain at all.

So...how about you? You going through the same things I am? Well, write about it. Believe me, it helps. Throughout this message, my eyes have teared twice and my face has gone red, but I am going to bed with a clear conscience for some reason. I can't explain it. It's like talking to a friend, a close friend. One who can't see you, yet knows exactly who you are.

Most of that is like me(except for the driving, divorced parents, and overachieving sibling). I seemed to drift away from "real" life when I truly discovered video games. They gave a more innovative imagination and ever since then my grades have been slowly dropping(VERY slowly), I stay up in my room more, and I'm eating less(I'll blame school for that one, only because I'm fine on the weekends). I don't know whats wrong with me and I feel like the only one who knows about this(except my friends, who, as you said, are "wierd", when they're not). I'm kinda amazed how many people are like this and I just felt like saying something............hey, you're right it does help............kinda :(

i only skinned through that cause i'm lazy but what i got from what i read was eought to say life is thought a over buddy and i feel for u because franky i dout i'm ever gonna pass high school and i pretty sure my parents are gonning to kick me outta my house when i'm 18 (they like to brag about it but i'm not sure i they will actuly do it) witch is in like to months

Hmm... Well, first of all, almost everyone in the country gets food on the table, a roof over their heads, and a chance at education, so don't think you've got no right to complain just because some guy in Africa has it worse off. Don't get too down about school. All the preps, jocks, and other assholes are a pain in the ass now, but they'll be gone when you graduate. And grades? Just try and pass the required courses. Good grades are great and everything, but they're not going to actually benefit you unless they win you money, and you need 4.0 to do that. Anything higher than a pass is good freakin' enough ok? You say you like writing, then write more! Write a novel or just keep a journal. Anything to drag you out of the blue. And hey, you HAVE friends, it doesn't matter if they're "wierd", so hang out with them more. Get out and socialize, it'll make you feel better. Maybe join an anime club or something. Most of all, don't think you're the only one who goes through this. It's especially bad for us geeks. I was near-borderline suicidal through grades 9 -11. It won't last forever though, and it really got better for me after grade school.

Well, I hope some of this can help you out.

well, if you were a little older and in the chicago area, id perscribe you a night of heavy drinking with me. but for a better solution, understand that the goals and acheivments of others are not your own. it doesnt really matter what other people want, expect or think you should be. quite frankly, its your life, its your decision as to what you do with it.

holding yourself to the aspirations of others is no way to judge yourself as a person. comparing yourself to jocks is of no use to you if you're not playing sports; comparing your artistic talent to painters is of no use if you're not going to paint.

writers...are a strange bunch. i know this because i'm a writer, and i'm pretty fucked up. but its not just you and me who have these problems, all my writing classmates have simaler issues. my advice? start talking to your classmates in your writing courses (assuming you're taking any), chances are they're alot like you, and would appreciate having someone to talk to as well.

and grades...fuck grades. whats important is if you learn anything from a class, not whether you're good at taking tests or diligent about doing homework. it doesnt really matter what your grades were in high school or college once you get into the professional world. most industries will just look at the quality of work you can produce now, not whether or not you passed an algebra course back in sophmore year.

i dono what else to say but: "Don't let the bastards grind you down."

the antidote to life's troubles: Apathy!

actually, no. I was only "apathetic" because i cared too much about certain things i couldn't change that the only option was to withdraw. My grades took a turn for the worse sphmore/junior year in HS. I think my grades tanked when i shed a certain sense of shame. It was like, i always hated the work at school, but i always did it because it was expected of me. i guess there came a point where all that i expected fo the school i was in wasn't being lived up to, and if they weren't goign to live up to my expectations, i didn't particularly care if i lived up to theirs.

can't say i've poored out emotion onto a forum too much, but i've written my share of emails to close freinds. writings alwasy a good way to get thigns out. it lets you sort out what your trying to say before you say it.

and dont worry about complaining. if something bothers you, it bothers you. best to work out why it bothers you and how to get unbothered.

not that i should be talking. I can't say im particularly happy with how i used apathy to escape things. but its funny how things can turn out better down the road. Just try to not let yourself stangnate.

Well, you've gotta find something you're passionate about. I started sketching stuff during that whole shit period of my life. Im still sketching, and apparantly it creeps some of my teachers out. I really do not know why... Also, music helps alot. I pumped out $500 in about a month on a stereo/cds, just cause it helped me escape. Tool was probably the best for me...I dunno, it just relaxes me or something. Oh, and I started getting into Philosophy. It's...interesting and such. Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maitenance is where i started, but I dunno if thats a good start. I guess thats all I've got, but the best advice I have is to find something you're passionate about.

Thanks :) I guess I feel a little better.

Yeah, the shit really hit the fan in 7th grade, the picking-on factor was at its peak and every day I came home in tears saying it was my "worst day ever". It was just the way kids were then, and are in their teen years. I hate this social decay we're going through.

And Socko, be sure to save me a seat at the bar :D

Well, Bob, let me preface this that I often feel as you do: friends don't care about me, school is slipping away from me, I will fail at life, I already have failed at life, why go on, etc. And I'm 17 (2 months from 18) and I've never had a girlfriend, been kissed, been on a date, or even come close, so don't think I'm totally uniformed here.

Don't try to escape. That doesn't help. Its like getting high. It feels good while you're doing it, but after you're done, you realize that you only made things worse. Next, stop being depressed. I know that sounds funny, but just try. Next time you feel as though you should shoot yourself, find something to laugh about. A joke, a funny thing that happened to you. A funny story. The irony of your situation. Something. Just laughing a little bit will make you feel better, I know. Next, do better in school. Stop playing video games and watching anime and study. Get the teacher's help. Go online and find tutorials. Figure out how to program formulas into a calculator (that will actually help your understanding). Write the formula/date/rule/theroem down over and over until you memorize it. Once you start doing better in school, you will feel better about yourself.

I'd write more, but I'm typing before school (I'm on a two hour delay due to ice, woohoo!) and am running out of time. Good luck either way.

Good advice. If you're strapped for something to laugh at, check the 'links' section in any webcomic. Then check their links, etc. You'll eventually find something good. That's how I found my current list of webcomics.