How would you go about comparing the two in a way where you could determine a winner?

You really have no idea?

Would I ask a question I already knew the answer to?

Aren't you guys forgetting the one that would take 'em both out, Conan the Librarian?

What's he gona do, beat them up with his immense knowledge of book categorisation?

What about his ultimate weapon, the unholy power of the dewey decimal system?

Have you guys ever seen UHF?

Is that the one with Weird Al?

I have seen that but what relevance does it have to the matter at hand being Conan?

Can anything ever be truly relevant to the entity known as 'Conan?'