A big angry rant about Matrix 3 (Contains spoilers)
 

I posted this elsewhere on the day the movie came out, right after I got back from watching it. The thread used to be lovingly titled "I hate the Matrix 3 in the face with a knife". Here it is copied for your reading pleasure. I placed this in "animation" rather than "general" because I thought I was in general when I pasted it. My bad. Anyway, on with the fun:

I'd like to take a moment to point out an angry smiley:

>:|

Y'see, if it were more accurate, it would look like this.

Image link-ified for the bandwidth impaired.

I'm so pissed off I don't know where to begin. It's 1:00AM and I'm angry enough to write this--a clue, Sherlock.

I'll start with the beginning because everything that has a beginning has an end and choice and inevitable no choice (PS: JESUS) oh and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

^^^the plot.

The Christological symbolism was as thick as the predictability. Neo looks like he's gonna die and a giant floating face (yes, the six million spiders can form a floating face. What they can't do is "kill people on purpose", but that's for later). Anyway, the face says "It is done." when Neo drops. Then a gaint cross made of light (I can't make this shit up) forms across Neo where, I dunno, you might put one for crucifixion purposes. But you didn't hear that from me.

Anyway, so Neo McJesus goes to fight Agent Smith. At the same time he's definately NOT carrying his cross to the hill or mimicing Jesus, Zion is under attack by space invaders.

Of course, they're not really space invaders. Space invaders from the arcade game can shoot stuff. The machines can't. They can only kill you by running into you while they fly predictable patterns.

Image would have been direct-linked, but I reached my limit for the post. Here's the url.

http://gamesxposed.com/upload/images...1068102789.jpg

I meant that in a LITERAL SENSE. About six million, give (but not take) the population of China, run into a dude on a really stupid walker robot thing. The dude lives long enough to tell Whiney_Guy_Who_Saves_The_day_000351 what to do. W00t.

Now, you might ask, how can a dude on a walker thing die by getting ran into? Simple. The walkers have no windshield. In a world where people make bazooka missiles with a powder boal and a stone stick. In a world where machines can somehow harvest synapic energy. In a world where you can fly way over the clouds with magnetic circles like those seen in the Meridia stage of Super Metroid. In this fantasmagorical world, they cannot put a goddamn piece of plexiglass on their walker things. All you get is a bar (please keep your hands and arms inside the ride until you run into some space invaders).

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I can't begin to comment on all the sheer stupid this movie threw at me. One right after another, like the goddamn glowing pixie dust bullets the aforementioned machines shot. Every time the movie said "you can do it, Neo!" I thought "...Nicorette can help."

Anyway, enough of boring Zion and its mindless "lets hope the machines dont drop heavy things on the long narrow bridges which support our only defense". There's Niobe to consider! She's flying down a corridor which in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY RESEMBLES ANYTHING FROM STAR WARS where was I? Oh yeah. Niobe's flying down a corridor and Locke gets a bug shaped like stupid up his ass and screams that they must open the jammed gate, which bars Niobe's access. The gate gets opened, Niobe gets in, EMP, and the space invaders die. And then (wait for it)...

...Locke starts shitting blood because the EMP broke all their defenses. The machines may be really stupid (unarmed spider robots that run into shit?), but Locke still wins the retard prize.

OR DOES HE?!?11/1?!/1??!?!

Neo has an encounter with Bane. Side note--why don't they name everyone who's a good guy "happy smiley" and everyone evil "frowny badman"? Oh yeah, because then they wouldn't get to use names like 'trinity' and 'seraph' and 'McJesus'. Bane implies that he is Agent Smith. True to form, it takes Neo eight years to understand. Bane calls him MR GODDAMN ANDERSON (may or may not have contained goddamn) and Neo does not get it. Wow.

Neo prevails, and it's time for the boss enounter. Neo gets to meet a giant floating head. I shit you not. There's a giant floating head. One of two things will happen, and either way, it's all predetermined.

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And then the movie ends.

Yup.

Just ends.

There's a rainbow.

And the Architecht.

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Remember the Architecht? The movie hopes so.

I wish, I wish, I wish I was making this up. But I'm really $10 poorer and the Matrix Revolutions really sucks. There's more, but I just spent 50 minutes (literally) bitching about this movie. It was very healing. But now I need sleep.

"I hate you all!" - Arfenhouse 1

Yay, I thought it was good. that's all I'm going to say about rantings.

Moving to General. Yowza, Thinkmeat, could you resize that last picture, please?

here is a read that i think explains a lot. whether its true or not, still a good read.

here is a fun little read for anyone.

Don't forget how Zion decided it would never, ever actually prepare for an invasion and invent EMP missiles.

Or how the Machines decided they would send a defeatable attack, and not EMP-shield their warriors.

Or how in the first movie, Morpheus says "the EMP is our only effective weapon", and a handful of squiddies nearly destroy his ship, yet in the third a hovercraft is bristling with machine guns, knocking down dozens of squids easily, negating the entire climax of the first movie.

Or how the Machines aren't allowed to be deceitful and break their promises...even though Persephone betrays the Merovingian, and the Merovingian cheats on Persephone.

Or how the Club Hell fight scene was just the Lobby fight scene redone.

Or how there was no bullet time at all.

Or how there were no "enemies" of any kind in the sequels, capable of actually killing a cast member, but only "obstacles", capable of delaying a cast member for a few minutes.

Or how they introduced all that "werewolf" freaky-stuff, and never went anywhere with it.

Or how Trinity had the least heroic death of all time.

Or how nobody ever thought of flying above the clouds.

Or how the machines never thought of making a solar-panel tower that goes above the clouds.'

Or how I looked forward to these movies for years, and then was completely disappointed by them.

All that and it was still one of the greatest movies I've ever seen.It either means you're a whiner or I'm a experimental super chimp.Here's a clue: I don't want a damn bannana.

Or it means you have different taste in movies, and therefore you should either engage in conversation or leave the whiners to whine.

What annoys me the most isn't so much what happened in Reloaded and Revolutions as that they were made at all. The matrix, an incredibly good movie, is now tained for all time with these unnecesary sequels which have no purpose but to get more money from the fanbase, blinding hoping that based on the first movie, these new ones might actualy be worthwhile.

ok, here it goes! i'm gonna explain the matrix to you, all three movies in fact it can all be sumed up in...{ENDPOST}

Yeesh. The first movie was unbelievably dumb. Someone told me that this is explained in the second movie, but I never cared enough to watch it and find out (I still want my two hours back for watching the first one.)

Robots have taken over the world and are using humans to harvest energy. That's all well and good. These robots have all sorts of higher technology, but if a human takes the whatever pill and wakes up, he can escape and ruin their entire plan.

Robots, I have some advice. ROPE!!!! ROPE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Tie the people up while they'e in the super cool matrix and if they wake up --- surprise, they are tied up. End of plot, story, movie, franchise, sequels, and the (real) world is a happier place.

I'm not all upset about it or anything, but I am sort of shocked when people watch the 3rd movie and then fly off the handle because it sucked. Man, the 1st movie sucked, I'm sorry that's not a popular thing to say, but it was about as dumb as anyone could make a movie. (The special effects were neat, though. Just like Speed - moronic movie, not too shabby special effects.)

Anyhow, there's my two cents.

PS - If anyone tries to explain to me how I'm wrong, let me reference the original Towelie episode of South Park when all the espionage and double crossing is being explained to the kids.