The Warring States of NPF - Brians Essays and Things that he notices

I like this one the most:

Quote:

This shit is serious and it needs to stop.

I'm speaking, of course, of Twix bars.

Why is it that all my local grocery stores only sell Twix in big bags filled with "Fun Size" Twix? "Fun Size"? Let my observation that that size is not what I think of when I say "fun" be a milestone for comedy writers everywhere.

They used to sell a handy seven-pack filled with real Twix bars. You could find these things anywhere. They fell from the sky for a period in the late '90s.

But no more. No, if you want a Twix bar now, you have to buy a huge bag filled with very tiny Fun Size Twix which are nothing at all like a real Twix. Did the people who came up with this thing even know what a Twix is? Where it comes from?

Twix, as we all know, is a play on words. It is derived from the Latin "Twi" meaning "Two", and "IX," meaning "Nine." And, behold, nine minus two equals SEVEN

Thus the word "Twix" refers to both A) the fact that each Twix bar is actually two candy bars and B) the obvious universal truth that Twix bars are meant to be distributed in seven-packs.

But the seven-pack supply dried up. Peak Oil? Bah! It's called fission, problem solved. Peak Twix, that's the true horror. What can we do to combat that? There are no Milky Way atoms to split!

They tried to trick us with that "Family Pack" a while back. I can't blame the Twix people for it, as the perpetration of this tremendous lie upon the public was obviously done to delay the inevitable and total dissolution of civilization under the crushing void of a seven-packless world.

The "Family Pack" is like a seven-pack. The packaging and size of both were nearly identical at first, clearly a desperate gambit that we wouldn't notice everything inside the packaging was a disgrace to all things Twixotic.

Not only were the Twix bars wrapped individually -- an act of malice and hatred for all things good and decent as I've never before imagined -- but these horrible "single Twix" weren't even the same size as one half of a real Twix bar.

They gave you ten of these aborted Twix in a box. Bafflingly, between their increased number and decreased size, you wound up with about 75% as much candy bar as if they'd just kept the seven-pack even though they were the same price due to the extra packaging that would be wholly unnecessary in a seven-pack.

Oh, sure, I could buy a real Twix bar at the checkout line for $.99. Like some kind of goddamn savage.

But is that any way to live? I don't think so.

Except, maybe, for Communists, to whom the tapestry of joy is already a featureless soup of The People's Gray.