Post a Eulogy for Your Dead (or dying) Console
 

As of Madden 2008, the Xbox and the Gamecube are dead to the world. You might still be playing on yours, but there are no games coming out for them currently, very possibly ever again. The PS2 will last through about half of 2008 at the generous outside.

I was wondering how people feel about their "last-gen" consoles. For me, I'm pretty sentimental about it. I'll never get rid of my PS2, ever, and though my girlfriend has a Wii, I'm thinking about re-buying a Gamecube just because it seems... Right, somehow, like honoring the memory of a fallen comrade.

This same feeling is largely why I recently bought a Dreamcast. Also because the DC is amazing.

Anybody else out there able to relate?

...Even if you're not, feel free to come up with a eulogy for your dead or dying console, because... it would be... fun?

I think of the Gamecube less as "dead" than as "reincarnated as an iPod."

dear gamecube
what times we had. Super smash bro. melee, viewtiful Joe, super Mario sunshine. but now i lay you in your final place of rest till you can get remotely valuable as a Classic system. then CHA-CHING!
OMG FIFTH NINJA"D ME!!! IM LOSEING MY TOUCH!

Dear Girlfriend's Xbox 360,

WHAT THE FUCK!? I have motherfucking shitty grey-and-black NESii that last longer than you, you cocksucking overheating POS! And you die before Q4? What the fuck is wrong with you! Halo 3 comes out this month! I mean what the f-

Oh, last gen!

Yeah ignore that. Ahem.

Oh, Gamecube. We had some good times. Romping through Phendrana Drifts's snowy caps, Smashing our Brothers in a style that might be considered "Super," Kart racing that, for some reason, is spelled with a K...

Xbox Classic...I'll miss you man. Controlling the Prince always felt right with you. Remember back during the Jedi Civil War? Oh those days were fantastic. I still get a little sentimental when Revan takes off his mask. And Soul Calibur II! The perfectly balanced fighting game, with Spawn, whom for the moment we can forgive for having a shitty comic book!

I'll miss you buddies. Except for the PS2. That bastard's hot sister PS3 is one of those "High maitnence (spellchecker won't work for some reason) bitches", where as you're just fun all around. Remember the good times with 2d fighters? King of Fighters, Street Fighter Anniversary Collection, Guilty Gear...and Devil May Cry 1 and 3! That was some of the best times of my life. Kingdom Hearts, Shadow of the Colossus, Ico, and that awesome Transformers game...You'll forever live in my heart.

Or on my shelf. Shit let me boot you up right now. I could use some Guilty Gear. Accent Core's out in february.

Dear SNES,

Thanks for all those hours I spent blowing your cartridge slot again and again. The effort put into those made it worthy whenever I played Chrono Trigger, Super Mario World, Final Fantasy VI or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time, amongst others. Do you remember Yoshi's Island, with its cartoony look and platform gorgeousness? Or what about Megaman X, X2, and X3? We never finished them, of course, but the pleasure was the build-up, never the climax.

You were my first time. Though I've now moved on to younger, prettier ones, I shall always remember you as the one that deflowered me, the one that stole my heart and forever left a proof (tumor) of love inside my throat.

Dearest PS2,

You know how much I've loved you over these past four magical years. Together we saw that the Devil may cry if he loses someone he cares about, or if Capcom gets paid to make sequels. We closed the door to Darkness, sealing Mickey Mouse inside but apparently saving the world anyway until the sequel came out. Together we unified/conquered China in fifty billion different ways. We've stolen treasures from around the world with a band of theives composed solely of colorful semi-aquatic animals who can't swim. We've leveled up the RYNO2 to max power until it destroyed everything in a ten mile radius, and it was good. We used our Celestial Brush techniques to paint our way to victory. Twice.

My beautiful, beloved PS2. Even though you're getting a bit senile in your old age, CONSTANTLY REJECTING TEKKEN TAG TOURNAMENT THREE OR FOUR TIMES BEFORE YOU'LL PLAY THE DISK, I still adore you. We've had some good times, haven't we? The Nintendo Wii will never take your place in my heart. Even though Twilight Princess is pretty awesome.

Please, beautiful console, don't die anytime soon. I... I need you. I just bought Shadow of the Colossus and I want to finish it.

Love, Mauve.

Dearest Genesis,
Oh what times we've had. Always when I got frustrated at Silver Surfer or TMNT on my NES you eased my back with your calming Sonic and Megalomania, simple games that eased the soul and lead me on a non-challenging but ultimately rewarded experience. I know we've had our rough times, with me throwing you around in frustration and you retaliating by refusing to run certain games but if ever I had to rip apart spines and slaughter my opponent you called with your mortal combats and your terminator.

Dearest SNES,
You have provided me with the greatest games I have ever played and it's a pity to.... oh wait... you still work after years and years and years. Sure some of your case is held on with tape but you still work! Ha ha ha ha!

Dearest NES,
You disappeared some time ago but we haven't given up hope. Every few months we open some boxes to search and everyday we wait in silent vigil that you will return to us with your Final Fantasy and Zelda.

Alas, for my poor SNES. You raised me. Three full years, and the only game I owned was Super Mario Bros. You introduced me to RPG's, although I would never dream of using emulators to enjoy such fine titles as Lufia II, Final Fantasy, and Chrono Trigger, and kept me entertained for nearly ten years.

Ah, my XBOX. You gave me not one, but two KOTORS, and for that alone I love you. But you also gave me Soul Calibur II, Jade Empire, Ninja Gaiden... the list goes on for a while. Thank you.

GBA... I'm sorry I sold your body for a DS. And I'm also sorry I sold that DS' body for a DS Lite. The point is, thank's for all the SNES ports which let me play all my favourites on the go.

Dearest Slimline PS2,

Remember that time, four days after I bought you, when you suddenly and inexplicably burned out? I thought I had lost you forever, but Sony Technical Support was only half as stupid as I had anticipated, though they still blamed my use of a 3rd party video cable for your short-lived agonizing demise. Like Jesus however, you had been ressurrected and never hiccuped since. What great times we had, hijacking tanks, defeating Sin only to find out [SPOILERS], and then wondering what the hell happened to Yuna a few years later.

Maybe that was just you getting senile, because that was totally out of character for her. PS: What happened to KOS-MOS voice in the second episode of Xenosaga, anyway? Were you trying to learn and apply cheerleaderese to an android?

But I digress. I'll miss your ridiculous Rapheal dodge-haxing, maybe, and I'll never forget how many times you'd shoot RPGs at me because strafing can't dodge explosions. I guess you need your cheat-codes too.

Dear Gameboy Pocket.

I'm sorry the only games I got for you were Pokémon and Final Fantasy Legend. I'm sorry for losing you, afterwards, a short time later.

But rest assured, my dear friend, your spirit lives on, burning brighter than ever before. If not in the body of my new DS, then in my heart.