So my roommate is having a birthday
 

...which raises the question, what's a gift that says, "Stop screeching with your dumbass friends at all hours and having loud sex on the couch at 5am"?

I'm partial to explodey things, but they're so impersonal.

A ball gag has been suggested, and actually I was halfway there already. Sadomasochistic implications aside, I like the way it suggests, "It's okay to have fun, but at the same time, shut the hell up."

Noise-canceling earphones have moved up the list of my own birthday wishes.

Personally I would coat his room and exposed furniture with insulation foam.

But then my roommates and I do such things, my personal favourite being when they hid all my furniture in the spare room and replaced it with tiny matchsticks replicas..

This.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/loud_sex.png
in before Seil

Heh, I thought of that too. Elliptical reflector dishes are the gift you give yourself.

I've never done the prank war thing, but I know people who have, and I've occasionally been enlisted. Once I was the ambassador for retrieving things raided from someone else; the bargaining scale was greatly tipped once I made clear that I'd been equipped with said victim's switchblade for this purpose.

Norah Jones CD. There's nothing that drips pure, poisonous "quiet and go to sleep" like Norah Jones.

Edit: Then steal everything else she has. Let's see her scream to Norah. XP

An eviction notice?

Cut off her tongue.

Here's what you put on the inside of the card:

Before the sun has
rose, loud yowls awaken. Please
stop fucking at five.

edit fixing syllable count

The second "please" makes it 8 syllables. Not a haiku anymore.

And for the birthday presents? Condoms. But fill them with flesh-eating bacteria.

My answer has not changed since the last time we had a thread like this: Bees. Lots and lots of bees.