Real Advice from a Blue Psychic.
 

Okay, since the advice thread craze has died down, I've taken some modly advice and have returned with a clearer definition of what I wanted to do in the first place.

This here thread is for actual advice from yours truly. If you've got a problem, and are willing to hear advice that may be humorous, practical, and/or strange in varying degrees, but always honest, this is probably a good place to ask it. I'll take any topic, so long as it conforms to the site rules, bar none. While I may not have an answer, I'll try to find places that might be able to help where I can't. Unless the mods say otherwise, this may include other forums.






Some additional rules I'm declaring for the thread:

1. Be respectful. If someone comes in with a problem, it's no one's place to crap on their beliefs and views. I don't care if it's about the paranormal, their own sexuality, an objective question of religion, nontraditional medicine, or anything else. I don't expect to see anyone shouting that it's not real or doesn't work.

2. Post respectful questions. Unless the mods say otherwise, I'll take questions of things like religion and politics, because this is my advice thread, and I know I'm respectful of others' views. I will not tolerate questions deliberately set to undermine, vilify, embarrass, advertise, hero-worship, or promote other people or institutions. These things cause knee-jerk reactions, and I'm not dealing with an opinion war.

3. If you want to offer help in addition to my own, I won't turn it away. I don't know everything, and occasional help is fine when it comes to helpful resources. However, this is not an invitation for everyone to toss in their two cents. I'm offering my own advice here for what are hopefully real problems.

4. If you disagree with my suggestion, or think I'm horrible, vent it elsewhere. I'm not out to hurt anyone, but truth can sting. A lot. Reality bites, and if you don't want honest advice, you're in the wrong place. If you can't look at something objectively, take a walk and come back when you cool off.

5. You don't have to agree. Honestly. This is advice. Maybe you'll find you don't want it. Take it or leave it, it's there for you. If you don't like what I say, ignore it. It never happened. And if I ask a question, don't write it off. Some of the best advice is that which leads the asker to his or her own conclusion.

My (best) friend's parents have sold their house and are planning on moving to Costa Rica, apparently. From what I gathered, they've been wanting to do it for quite awhile now, and they've recently come back from a vacation there. probably because of said vacation, they decided to clinch the deal, by selling their house for about $700,000 (It has a large backyard) and have 6-8 months to get there things and go.

Now, I'm not one to not trust my friends, but he's been known to stretch truths before, so I'm not sure how much of it I should believe. I mean, the land/house they sold was large, but I'm seriously doubting it was $700,000. Also, I've yet to learn what they plan on doing there. Do they have a job set up there? Do they know any Spanish (as I've been told it's a good idea to know it when going there)? I'm not sure yet.

If it is true, then, my friend as been thinking of getting an apartment with 2 or so other friends that also have jobs, and staying here in Oregon. He's been told that if he wants it that way, he can keep pretty much all of the furniture he wants and use it in said apartment. I really think this is a bad idea, because Michael makes roughly $1000 a month, or so he says, and an apartment, even with 2 other people crowding it up, can take a large chunk out of that sum, which would not be so pleasant for him.

So, should I believe him? What information should I ask him to clear up on? What would your advice be for him?

So I've been talking to this girl in my fencing club. She's a very outgoing nice person, and I think she's into me but I'm not sure. Two days ago I worked up the courage to ask her to go to "a movie or something sometime" with me, and her reply was "im game." We decided to talk about it in more detail at our next fencing practice, which by the way, is tomorrow at 3 pm.

Now I've been striking out with girls a good deal lately, but if she's actually willing to go on a date with me I'm pretty stoked. I guess I'm looking for general date advice and how not to totally fuck things up.

My parents are divorced and I spend equal time with them, and Mom wants to move to Oklahoma (from Minnesota) before I graduate. I'm 18. I don't want to live full time with Dad but I don't want to move to Oklahoma for a few months and then out to Washington where I plan to go to school.

The reason she wants to move so badly is because our house is pretty small here and the houses are a lot cheaper down there. She keeps lining up places to move but can't sell the house, but each time it fails to sell I am relieved because then she's not moving and things don't get nuts.

Really, I think she ought to wait until I graduate before moving, but am I just being selfish here?

I am really really horny. Like really. I was on vacation and I got to visit my girlfriend for four days, expecting to get all the horndogness out of my system.

Unfortunately this only made it worse.

What should I do?

Well, you can ask him to clarify exactly what they'll be doing there. Honestly, it's easier to BS the big stuff than it is to come up with realistic-sounding specifics on the fly, so that might give you an indicator of how much of it is true. Also, considering I have no idea of the cost of living in Oregon, I can't really comment on the money issues, except that $1000 a month is by no means a real job. That's only $12,000 a year, which I believe is on the poverty line. It is NOT a living wage. Apartments are expensive, and depending on how much he has saved and how much others are willing to help him monetarily, it might be a better idea to buy a small house and split the utilities. It's a buyer's market, so while it still is expensive, in the long run, it's probably more financially sound to take the initial hit and then build back up, or at least an option to consider. If he's really making only 1K a month, and isn't in school (I'm assuming not), I'd advise looking around for a place that'll pay him a better wage. I work in the Pick n Save deli, and I can tell you that you make 1k a month starting as a full-timer in our unit, or more, and you generally get raises after 3, 6, and 12 months and so on, and cost of living raises as needed. You don't get rich off it, but it makes multiple-income living possible at a pretty good clip. Also, having furniture from the get-go takes off a huge burden on your wallet.


Well, it helps to not try to french her as soon as she opens the door. Especially if her dad answers. :D

But you're actually in luck in that you share a common interest and somewhat know each other already. That's what I went for for my first prospective girlfriend. It also helps that you're not fully established as friends yet. It can cause problems in some cases. Ask her if there's anything she'd like to see, and if she pulls the "haven't thought about it," "leaving it up to you," or any other indecision routine, have one ready to suggest. Make sure to have a few fallbacks if the first one is rejected. I just saw Enchanted and can tell you it was hilarious. If you feel it won't send the wrong image, I recommend adding it to your roster. Since it would be a first date, I'd steer you away from a) horror movies and b) mushy Sandra Bullock crap. Go for something fun that you'll both enjoy and save the "love genres" for the serious relationship phases.

Also, you have to consider her personality. I always went by "chivalry is not dead" methods, but a lot of girls these days don't like that and want to be equal partners. Considering she's a fencer, she's probably at least a bit competitive and may not like your gallant attempts to slay the dragon for her. I, of course, don't know her, but here are a few tips:

1.) Ask where you can pick her up in an offhanded way. If she wants separate cars, don't argue. The location of a home is private information, and if she's not comfortable with you knowing where she lives, don't force it. Set up a meeting place and time and be punctual. Also, if she'd rather pick you up, it can be a good sign. She's interested in where YOU live. This means she's scoping out what she can expect from you. Shovel your driveway and sidewalk. A well-maintained house will give her the right idea about the amount of effort she can expect from you, regardless of how big the place is. Or, maybe the two of you can meet nearby, but not at, one of your houses at a public place.

2.) Find out if she wants to get some chow first. The meeting place can be a restaurant, too, so maybe a burger before the movie would let you talk. Ask her if and where and, again, be ready with suggestions.

3.) Don't panic if she pays for herself. It stings, and can be a bad sign, but it also is becoming more normal. You might end up alternating footing the bill later, and if she doesn't want to commit to being "your girl" right away, insisting to pay for her will make her feel controlled and drive her off. I learned this the hard way. The first time I ever paid for Laura was the first outing we had after breaking up.

4.) If you end up taking one car, be it hers or yours, look for how she handles the ride. If it's her car, your role is over. She'll open and close her own doors. If it's your car, doors become an indicator. If she doesn't give you any chance to open her door for her, your role is also over. You'll be able to tell and not trip over her by how she walks. Fast striding means she'll get it herself, so don't interfere. She's making it clear she'll handle herself, either as an equal partner, or because she's not committing. Don't panic. If she walks slower, she's expecting you to get it for her. Do so. Once she's in, she may or may not close the door for herself. If she does, it's neutral. If you end up closing it, she'll be wanting chivalry. When you arrive, timing is key. If she opens up right away, it's adding another point towards the "I'm independent" tally. If she dawdles at all, that's your cue to go around the front and get it.

5.) Always get building doors for her. I'm assuming you're in front, and while it's like chivalry, there's also a big helping of just being polite. If you're not in front, she's making it clear she can open her own doors. It just means that that's not what she needs you for. However, if she's always in front, you need to examine why she's making a point to say, essentially, "I have no use for you."

6.) Keep a running tally in the back of your mind. Set it off as "I Like Chivalry," "Needs Context," and "I'm Independent." Many signs will need the context of other signs to make sense. When they do, move them into the appropriate column. Hopefully, you'll get a balance between the two, given girls in this day and age. That indicates she's interested in being partners. If you get a ton of "I Like Chivalry," play up to it. You'll still have a relationship. It'll just be more like the old-fashioned kind. If you get a ton of "I'm Independent," worry. She's making it clear she doesn't need you, and you need to figure out why. You may just end up being friends. Failed relationships can turn into great friendships, so long as both parties have the same idea, and great friendships sometimes do make the leap into relationships once the parties know each other. My parents were best friends before they got married.

7.) Don't push too hard. Take the relationship, and even each date, at her pace. You, as the guy, are expected to know and meet her needs. It sounds sexist, but it really means she holds the power of the relationship. If she needs to take it slow, going too fast will end it. The opposite is also true. If she needs a partner, be a partner. If she needs a traditional relationship, give her one. If her needs aren't met, it's over.

As a subset of this, start slow to see what it is she actually wants. First, second, and third dates are testing periods, so unless she wants otherwise, keep it fun and friendly. She's scoping you out, and it's better that she knows you as a person first, rather than just knowing what you want and do. The two are different, and not to be confused.



First off, it's not selfish at all. I just have to say that.

Second, as I said to FBM, it's a buyer's market. You may get your wish without having to lift a finger. Talk it over with her, though. I can tell you it's hard enough getting uprooted once, much less twice. The reason I say it's not selfish has to do with the timeline. It's not easy leaving your old friends. Normally, when people move, there's time to make new ones. When you go off to college, so will a lot of other people your age. At home, this makes it easier, because everyone can say their goodbyes at once. If you leave early, two things will happen. First, you'll end up in a new place, where nobody will know you well enough to have those tearful farewells, which can be very distressing, especially when you're on the outside looking in as they share theirs. Second, your friends will lose you early. That means that they'll have to watch you go on your own, and it will feel more like you're "missing" than if everyone goes their separate ways at once.

Since your dad is staying, it stands to reason that you'll be able to join back up on some break or another with all of your old friends. Leaving at the same time as everyone else will help mask the fact that your mom is elsewhere, since not every school has the same schedule, and it will seem less like they've lost you. The kicker, though, is that you'll never see your new house before you leave. Either way, it won't feel like home right away, but as time passes, that time in your new house can make a big difference whether it feels like home when you see your mom later. If you lived there for a bit, you'll have something to come back to. If not, it will take more getting used to.

Either way, you'll have to build rapport with the locals from the ground up, and looking at the windows you've indicated, neither option is going to heavily effect that. Honestly, at your age, it's going to be very hard to worm your way into their already-solid network of relationships. Your main focus will need to lie in building friendships at school. Those are all still plastic.

Again, talk it over with your mom and weigh the options. This effects a lot of people, and while it's her decision, she probably would like to know how you feel about it.




Frosty: I'll be frank. Cold shower. Not much else I can say. :sweatdrop

After some discussion with my friends, I've decided to steer away from a movie as a first date. I offered her mini golf and she said OK. Thanks for everything else; want to adjust any advice for mini golf instead of movies?

Take her to a full course of mini-golf (~18 holes). You'll be doing a lot more talking than you would at a movie, with a less immediate topic to discuss before and after.

This isn't a bad thing, necessarily. While you might miss the crutch of the movie at times, remember that it is just that; a crutch. Don't try to script things, just let it flow. Ideally the discussion should come naturally. And remember the three things you don't want to really broach on the first date: Politics, religion, and the future.

Relax, and have fun. People are at their best when they're enjoying themselves. The worst thing that will happen is that nothing will come of this and you'll have learned a bit more about what to do on a date.

Good luck.



Edit: I just thought of a problem of my own.

I procrastinate. Badly. I never end up handing things in late, but they're not always of the finest quality, and they're often in by the skin of my teeth. I understand that I need to start sticking to a schedule; I'm looking for things that will help me actually do this. Ideas?

Eltargrim I hear you, and I have nothing to add since I suffer from a similar plight. It's that mixed with perfectionism, so either it's perfect but late or never done.

Wow. That's almost exactly like me except that it's never perfect :(

EDIT: Okay here's my problem:

Near the end of last summer, I was about to take my driving exam for the first time. I was really anxious as I wanted my license so badly because most of the guys in my year already drive, which made me feel a bit embarrassed for procrastinating so much, and also I hated the idea of constantly relying on my parents and them having control over where I could or couldn't go. Anyway, cut back to about a week before my exam. My dad suggested that I drive, but I wasn't feeling up to it as I was slightly tired (this was in the morning) and I dropped a hint here and there about how I didn't want to. Sadly, he didn't get the message and I just chose to drive without any further fuss. It was a quick drive to the local library and I did it a kajillion times so what would go wrong? So I was driving with little incident and I was doing fine until I parked. I opened the door... and an old woman crashed into my door. I know. I know. I should have looked more closely and been more careful; I can't tell you how many times I have heard that. Thankfully, I was all right, but my parents were devastated and, furthermore, I was found 100% at fault by both the police and (later) insurance. I would sympathize with my parents' feelings and I felt ashamed by my mistake, but it would soon turn for the worse for me. My parents decided to no longer allow me to drive until I'm 18. Now I haven't told you everything about the story. I can tell you how long the car was taken for repairs and for how much. I can tell how much the insurance would go up if I got a license. I can draw maps and diagrams for you regarding what happened in the accident and the positions of all the cars and streets. I can tell you all of this since my parents aren't afraid to mention this EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I'VE MENTIONED THAT I WANTED A LICENSE SOONER!!!! .... But I digress. Anyway, you're probably wondering why am I making such a big shit about this when I could just wait a year. It's because I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the continuous reliance on my parents, I can't stand their control over where I can or can't go, I can't stand the sheer amount of effort wasted (about 1.5 years as I most distinctly recall), and most of all, I can't stand the fact that DRUGGED-OUT TEENAGERS AND 80-YEAR OLD SPEEDING PSYCHOBITCHES WITH SUVS CAN FUCKING DRIVE WHILE I CAN'T! Also, yes I did mention earlier that I procrastinated and delayed my driving training, but please don't mention this to me again as I bang my head against the wall every time I think about it.

So after my totally dragged-out story, my question is: what should I do? Should I swallow my pride and accept the fact that I won't have a license until the end of next summer? Should I make every attempt to subvert my parents' will? Should I try my best to make them see my point and, more importantly, how? Or should I just turn into a bitter emo and cut myself?