The Warring States of NPF - Let's Play: Final Fantasy 6! (Pictures be here, 56k warning)

Welcome back after a long, busy, and... ugh... crazy weekend for me. I'm tired as hell but I guess I'll just go to bed early tomorrow. I've got an update to do. *puts on Aviators*

Hope you like the new picture size. Chalk one up for ~~slave labour~~ Big Mac!

We last left our good friend Bitch at a save point. Or at least, that's where YOU left her. Turns out I forgot to save.

So after 10 minutes of backtracking and re-naming (She's still a Bitch, don't worry) she's back where you left her. In a random cave being chased by random turban-wearing bounty (cake) hunters with no self-preservation instinct.

Now, you may have noticed that she has the "magic" ability. This means that she can (SURPRISE OLOLOL) use magic.

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This cocksucker does a ton of damage to her.
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So it's magic time. Obviously.

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And now it's revenge time.

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Just like Fire Beam!

Sweet. So there's that again. Sadly, she now has a limit of magic points, so she can't just be Fire Beaming everything anymore.

...These guys suck too badly for it to matter though.

It turns out to be a pretty tiny cave. Bitch gets right to the end when suddenly...

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FUCK

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DOUBLEFUCK

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...DoublePLUSfuck. She managed to fall into a random hole that wasn't there before.

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Game over.

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...OR IS IT?

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Game over.

Her life flashes before her eyes. Or something.

She remembers much yellower times.

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"Magic User"? Well, it's about time SOMEONE used the politically correct term.

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Oh. The slave crown again.

Screw Ecstasy. Slave crowns are the ultimate date-rape drug.

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Victory grope.

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And the mysterious figure lets out a laugh of lecherous anticipation at the thought of finally losing his virginity.

Fuck, the clown makeup doesn't attract the chicks nearly as well as that MySpace page suggested. Too bad he tattooed it on.

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Battle scene!

Wait... Is that...

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FIRE BEAM?! YEAAAAAAH

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Everybody loves Fire Beam.

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ABOVE, CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: Kefka, General Leo, General ??????, Slave Bitch and Emperor Gestahl enjoy a day out on the wrought-iron balcony.

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The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard, and Mordor?

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The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall.

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We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear, and the iron fist of the Orc.

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And the world shakes with the army's applause for Emperor ~~Saruman~~ Gestahl.

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Meanwhile, back in reality, a mysterious figure appears.

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He is a thief named Cocke.

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Huh-huh-huh. You said "semantic". That has, like... "seman" in it.

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...

I swear, the game was DESIGNED for him to be named Cocke.

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Cocke waves a finger at me for saying it. Sorry, I ruined the joke.

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"I mean, I burst through your back door all the time without reason. I feel like I should be paying you back sometimes."

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...Did EVERYBODY know her when she had the slave crown?

Poor Bitch. Passed around like a drink tray at a tea party.

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They were SO stubbornly independent.

Defending their rights to the last.

...No cake jokes this time.

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Cocke catches on fast.

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"I mean, you could go somewhere else if you wanted to, but trust me, it's about the ONLY place you can go once you leave this town."

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Cocke begins spelunking Bitch's caverns.

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"Daaaaaaayum."

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PLOT TWIST!

...Wait, it took them THAT LONG to find a way down?

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Trust him on this one. I missed a screenshot opportunity.

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Holy fuck! Ghost bears!

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Oh. Moogles. Cocke can speak Moogle apparently.

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READY YOUR BREAKFAST MEN, AND EAT HEARTY, FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE IN...

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What the heck?!

...Just what I need to see. Star Wolf.

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No plan survives first contact with the enemy, and sure enough, I got bored and spread my guys out. Mog gets into a fight.

Moogles don't know what to do with cows.

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BUT
THEY
CAN
DANCE

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The giant woolly mammoth is sucked into a hole spawned by Mog's righteous moves. Gnarly.

Time skip. We've won against everyone except the bossman, who was nice enough to stay behind while we slaughtered his mans.

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In goes the only undamaged group of Moogles to fight the boss. They don't have a single useful character with them. All they can really do is attack and use healing items.

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The wolves go down easy but this guy does a helluva lot of damage. Again, all I can do is attack and use potions, phoenix downs, etc.

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But do I want to waste those on a crappy little group of trash moogles? I don't think so!

Attack, attack, attack! Forget about losses! It worked for the Russians in World War 2, it can work for us!

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And so it does.

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And he walks off to let the Moogles tend to their dead.

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Cocke drops Bitch unceremoniously onto the ground.

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She's too heavy and Cocke will need all his strength to pull this switch.

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Now a door is open. Yay.

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Gasp! She's awake!

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She wasn't going to thank you, and I don't think there are many Moogles left to thank.

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PTSD does that to you, doesn't it.

The trauma being from repeated rape under the influence of Slave Crown.

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...Didn't the creepy old man mention this?

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"He seemed to be implying that there was something I would remember about him... but I'm not sure I want to find out what."

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"Or until I find a new female sidekick with a bigger rack and blonde hair."

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I don't recall ever thinking that this WAS a reason to abandon someone.

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Cocke leaves and the door somehow knows to close behind him.

Goodbye Narshe, hello...

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...grass and mountain ranges!

The world map offers a chance to save and procrastinate until the next update.

BUT FIRST:

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A man with a ponytail, a habit of chasing women, and more technologically advanced weapons than any other Player Character in the game...

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I'm open to suggestions.

A special thanks this time around for Big Mac's assistance in a good half the stuff. As said before, he fixed the picture sizes, but he also suggested a ton of jokes, including the Saruman speech which just happened to work perfectly. Thanks a lot!