Any comments?

Reposted:
Ok, I just felt like doing something, because currently I'm not in any RPs.
Things to keep in mind before I start: This is based on an RP I was planning with lots of different races, but since I can't make a half-decent plot if my life depended on it, of course I didn't start it. But... I'm not that bad at making short stories.

Well, here goes nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Just a note, Bob's race is exactly like a human, just all of them are midgets. Doesn't make much difference, but I just felt like adding it in.)

Bob (What? Not everyone's good at making names.) breathed out deeply as he looked across this year's harvest. It wasn't that good, but it was better than last year, that's for sure.
He started to head back to the house. The sun was in his eyes, a brilliant shine of red, orange, and yellow. His hat protected him from most of the light, but he was used to it, so it didn't bother him much.
Just then, a shimmer of light that didin't come from the sun caught Bob's eye. He glanced toward it, and it looked like a stone, or a jewel, shining back at him. He walked towards it and picked it up. 'Heh, she's always sayin' that I never get her anything. Mebbe this'll cheer her up!' It seemed to be a black jewel of some sort.
Bob continued on the path home. Close to the door, he stopped. For a second he thought he heard something. 'I bet it's just those pesky rats.'
The noise came again. It definately wasn't rats. Cautiously he put jewel in his pocket and went to investigate.
The sun was blocked out by the house now, and he was completely in the shadows. He didn't notice anything strange, so he turned to head back.

From inside the house, Bob's wife heard a blood-curdling scream. She instinctively went outside to see what was going on. No sooner had she stepped out the door she noticed her husband's small, dead body, his throat slit, his eyes open in a sign of surprise, slumped down against the wall of the house.
Quickly she rushed over to see if he was still alive. No such luck. 'Who could do such an awful thing?!' The now widow looked up and found a dark, glooming shadow that was the answer.
Another horrible screech was heard, but this time only by a few passing crows.

Jaggaw looked down at his newest aqquirement, a large, black jewel. "No one can stop us now, not even the Elders and stupid little 'laws'!" he thought out loud. "Just wait until tomorrow, the next solar eclipse, and it will all begin." Then he shouted out as if he wanted all of Vio to know, "The Shadows shall rule all!"

Theresa looked down at the map laid out on the grass in front of her. "Are you sure we went the right way? I thought we should've been in town already." The leaves in her Druid hair rustled, even though there was no wind. "A storm is hitting soon. And to think, we could be in a cozy forest right now!"
"We would be, if you had any idea where we're going," replied Jeremy, obviously annoyed.
"Why are you blaming it on me?!"
"Because you deserve it!"
"Uh?! Some brother you are!" Theresa rolled the map up, and started walking away.
"Hey! If it weren't for me, you would've been Shadow chow a couple days ago!"
"Yah, a couple days ago! It's not like I can't take care of myself!"
All the while a small Psi had been watching the two Druids argue from behind a tree, and decided to butt in. "Excuse me," he said as he walked into view, "but it is pointless for you to argue."
Theresa and Jeremy turned on the small robed man. "Oh yeah, why is that?!" they asked in unison.
"It is obvious that the particular map you are holding is incorrect. The man who you have bought that fake map from was not to be trusted."
"Wait, how do you know that?" asked Theresa, not quite sure what to think.
"I am gifted in the art of telepathy," replied the robed thing.
"And he's a Psi, waddaya expect?" added Jeremy.
"I see you are seeking the Forest of the Druids," said the Psi. "If you do not wish to stay here any longer, I advise you to go east." He pointed to the setting sun and towards a large desert. "It may not seem inhabitable, but I have made many friends in the desert."
"Aaaand what is that supposed to mean?" asked Jeremy impatiently.
"Just tell them Trayle sent you," said the Psi, and then he sighed. "Now, I must bid you farewell." There was a slight whirring noise, and the Psi was gone.
"Wow, Psis are sure weird, huh?"
"Well, at least that's one thing we can agree on."

After about another three hours, Theresa and Jeremy had ventured far into the desert. It was dark now, and they decided to set up camp. After they did, they fell soundly asleep.
Later at night, Theresa woke up to a rustling noise. 'Huh?' She sat up and looked around. Her vision was blurry, but she could make out a dark, silhouetted person going through their supplies. "Who's there?" she asked groggily.
The silhouette glanced at her, then started to run away with all of their stuff. "What the - HEY!!!" She was fully awake now, and realized she was being robbed. She quickly ran over to Jeremy and woke him up. "We're being robbed!"

They ran after the thief, but the thief was much more agile and quickly got away. Theresa and Jeremy were stranded in the middle of a desert with no food, water, or anything else.
"This is all you're fault!" the screamed at each other. Sulkily they started walking in some direction, refusing to talk to each other.

An hour later, it was about midnight, but it was hard to tell. Theresa and Jeremy were both getting tired, but they knew they had to keep going. Suddenly, a harsh growling noise caught their attention.
"What was that?"
"I dunno, you tell me!" They found out though, as a wolf-like creature rushed out at them. "Hey, looks like he brought his friends!" It was true. Three more wolf-things jumped out as well.
Jeremy glanced at Theresa. "Stay back, let me handle this!"
She replied sarcastically, "Oh, my! My knight in shining armour! Get a life. You were lucky when that Shadow came, what makes you think you can do this by yourself?"
She looked back at Jeremy and saw that he had already wrestled one to the ground. "That's why," he replied smugly.
"Oh yeah?" Theresa took it as a challenge and started chanting something while Jeremy tackled and wrestled them. Soon clouds started to form where clear sky had been before. "Move it or lose it, Jeremy."
Jeremy quickly got out of the way as what looked like hundreds of lightning bolts crashed down on the four wolves. The wolves yipped in pain as they were fried to a crisp. Jeremy looked over at the charred remains and said to Theresa, "Showoff."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And that's probably all I'm going to get done. If you guys really think that's not enough then I'll type something up quickly.

Uhmn...I'll give it a B-, the first part was unconnected, and the next parts were kinda scatterered, but if you refined it, that would be a good read.

And without further ado, here's mine, more actiony than plotty...(I didn't break my own rule, its less than 2 and a half pages...barely, but it still is)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jude stepped through the mega conglomerates front door, hopefully setting off the last alarm. They had been ringing and clanging and wailing for a solid half hour now, and he had expected them to be the new silent, alert-only-the-authorities kind. Speaking of authorities…

“Sir, please drop what you have stolen and put your hands on your head.” A slightly buzzy, kinda English man’s voice said. The robot that used it was pointing its gun at Jude. He was only shaking his head. He had liked the “authorities” better when they used their original robot-on-the-edge voice, but people had complained, and now it felt like a polite kid with a cheap voice modulator was trying to arrest you.

“Sorry, guys, can’t do that. But, how bout I just put this away,” Jude dropped the small case into his pocket, the robots never moved, “And put my hands right here.” He said, resting them on his hips, right above his gun handles.

“Sir, put your hands on your head. I am programmed to-“ It began, raising its gun more, but then stopping as its weapon was blasted off. Jude finished it off by firing off another shot into its chest, watching it crumple. He twirled his own guns around like he had seen on the old Westerns. They looked like olde timey six shooters, but were powered by an advanced energy rod with a name that Jude had never attempted to pronounce, and therefore could unleash blasts that rivaled a small tank.

He began to stroll his way home when he heard the robot’s last few words. He missed the beginning, but it probably had to do with failing to acquire target or somesuch, but then his face sunk as the last bit seeped through. “Initiate Capture Mode 2”

Jude didn’t wait to see or hear the rest. Mode 1 was the refrigerator-stuck-together body with stun guns mode. Mode 2 was semi translucent, quasi-liquidous, rapidly healing, unafraid to kill mode. He bolted down the street, then spotted an escape, the trash chute. He blasted the small chute wider then forced himself through.

He was immediately disappointed. He had expected to be free falling, but the chute was using high powered jets to keep the trash from clogging the sides, so he was going at a comfortable fall, which would be great if he had accidentally fallen in and was awaiting to be rescued, but not at all ideal for escaping killer robot death. He looked behind him, and sure enough said killer robot was peeking its head through the small hole. It looked down at Jude, the before blocky and always lit eyes now one long sinister slit. A bar of light traveled across the slit, then rested on Jude. It backed out, then busted through the wall, clawing to the sides of the chute. It gauged what the fastest way to catch its prey was, and began to fall down, except for some reason it fell like a used Buick, while Jude fell like a clean napkin. He had heard that Mode 2’s could go pretty fast, but this thing was too much. He decided to try and even the odds, pulling out both of his shooters and plugging away at the sleek machine, slightly accelerating himself with each shot, but not even denting his pursuer, which sped on, the potshots from Jude filling themselves in.

Jude looked up and saw that the chute was about to curve. He had been spinning so much he didn’t know if it was heading left or up, so he just went with it, enduring the gut wrenching turning gravity. He held his guns up to be ready, then saw his hunter slam directly into the wall. He suppressed a chuckle for the moment, and then continued blasting it while it sorted itself out. It pulled its head out of the wall, and seemed to glare at Jude as only robots could. The area below its ‘eye’ cracked open, and two long lines with claws on the end snaked out. With that, the chase was resumed. It was quickly gaining on the human, and he had become more preoccupied with the claws then the body. He tried to shoot them down before they got close to him, but they were quick and windey, and both encircled him, one dragging itself across his arm, drawing sparks. He took this close proximity and blasted both lines, sending the claws falling. The lines withdrew, then lashed out, dragging across the walls leaving deep marks, but Jude was quicker, and put two shots into the main guys mouth. It recoiled, and both lines fell past Jude.

He looked down again, and saw his chance. The robot was about to clawgrab him, but a second before it was over, he grabbed a protrusion from the wall, and watched as his enemy zoomed past. He hoisted himself up, then checked himself over. His right arm was flabby, and he realized it was from the claw. He tore off the fake skin, then checked the gun in that hand. It was cut at the barrel. He sighed then popped out the energy rod. With all the light from the chute, it looked pretty standard, but in the dark he had seen it glow super green. He was about to pocket it when the ledge he was on shook, then cracked. A moment later he was falling again, and he saw the lights above the ledge’s former position begin to flicker, then shut off, then the doors under them slam violently. Well, there goes the shut down…gotta get outta here quick

Of course, even Jude’s simple plan was cracking up. The authority split the ledge in half, then closed the very short distance between them. Jude took his good gun and shot him point blank, but it soon was smothering him. In desperation he pulled his right hand back and drove it into the things ‘eye’. Instead of pulling it out for another blow, he had to wiggle it out, and pulled his hand out minus a pinky. The thing let go to reform itself and Jude began to fall. Except now he was really falling. The chute had shut off everything, and now he was truly free falling. He didn’t know if he could make it, he had only had his arms replaced, not the rest of the package.

He looked down, and spotted a rapidly approaching turn, one which he probably wouldn’t coast through, and probably wouldn’t be able to bounce back as quickly as his friend. The lights began to shut off quicker, and with them the doors closing, his only way out. As the robot finally reasserted itself, it was swallowed up in darkness, and all Jude could see was a small glint of green…wait, that thing had eaten his pinky AND his energy rod…WAIT, his energy rod!

He tried to shoot the rod, but it was swimming around its body, and as the entire robot sped forward, he lost sight of his chance. He grabbed hold of the first open chute, gripping it for his life. The robot seemed to stop itself too, shooting out hooks. Its ‘mouth’ extended, and began to glow a terrifying purple. The lights closed in on him, drenching him and all Jude could see. He was disheartened to see the green gone, but the purple was brighter than ever. He was about to let go and either smash or get vaporized, but amazingly, right above the purple he saw a green glimmer above the still scanning eye. As the darkness took over, he fired a shot, then slipped into the chute, right before it slammed shut.

As the shot struck the energy rod, the entire chute was filled with the brightest green never seen by the human eye. A split-second after that, fire exploded out, funneling through every inch of the tunnel, emerging through the hole Jude made to enter and frying two policemen sent to investigate.

Jude rolled into the mystery house. A TV playing westerners greeted him.

“Hey, look who’s back. Did you steal that thingy?” His roommate said. Jude nodded. “What about milk, we’re out.” Jude growled and walked into his room and fell asleep.
---------------------------------------------------------------
(Now YOU guys can grade ME)

You start so many sentences with "He". It gets annoying after a while. And did Jude ever even get hit? The ending was just stupid (An overused, bad joke) B+.

I'm fine with that. And yah, he got his arm hit. And it was either he or Jude over and over and over...

Thats why you start sentences with prepositional or gerund phrases.

1. He walked into the room while saying "Hi."
2. Walking into the room, he said "Hi."

Number 2 is an example of what I'm talking about.

Edit: Also, try varying sentence length more. While long sentences are not bad, a whole lot of them in a row is. Try adding in short, simple Noun verb direct object. sentences. You can also use sentence fragments instead of strings of commas. The real message here is use variety.

It was good, but you say rolled to, and mystery house. Did he somehow get a vehicle along this way? I feel it shouldn't say mystery house, so much as he rolled up to a house. And how did the tunnel end up back on the surface? You might've explained it, but I didn't really get it. Other than those few questions, really good overall.

No, he was in a trash chute connected to just about every house, he rolled into his own.

And the flame traveled up the entire tunnel thing, exiting where Jude entered at the begining.

And I don't wanna use no gerunds...

Reading back on it, I see what you mean. Writing compositions have always been my weak point... It was kinda supposed to be an unfinished story, if I really felt the need to I could've made it complete.

I've only breezed through a couple of these long posts, and I think that you elites are being unfair. You're asking these people for RP snippets, but that's not really what you want.
You really want short stories. You're being terribly unclear. Because, obviously, we don't have to explain or whole background in a RP post. In fact, it should be much more common to be able to write a good piece of work without telling anything of the past because it'd already have been explained.
I think you're decreasing the value of our RPing here and trying to teach an english class.

Not that I'm not up to an english challenge, but I'd really have liked to know what this is, many of us probably would have, before getting blasted with a C or a B.

But that's my opinion. I'd like for you to explain how I'm wrong.