D&D 3.5: Swordchucks
 

I'm currently playing in a 3.5 D&D campaign which is designed to be inherently ridiculous and over-the-top. To this end, I want to stat out swordchucks for my character to wield. My current idea is to have them act like a two-bladed sword, with the option of wielding it in one hand. One-handed, it acts as a longsword that grants an extra attack during a full attack action, but all attacks are at -2, and on a miss you roll an attack with it against yourself. Does this seem balanced, and if not, can anyone think of a better way?

I'd probably do the "attack on self on a miss" only when the wielder isn't proficient with the weapon. Let's face it, if you're swinging a sword on a chain you will be prepared to dodge the thing in an emergency.

I've got a different approach, too: you either hold both swords and attack with one (normal longsword stats), hold both swords and attack with both (exactly like dual-wielding longswords, so not that hot) or, and this one you'll be doing most of the time, use it like you would a spiked chain, but with longsword stats substituted for the chain's and without the ability to apply Weapon Finesse. I don't know about balanced but I think it's realistic.

I would have it have the stats of normal longswords, or more realistically, shortswords. It should require a pile of feats to use effectively, including but not limited to Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Sword-Chuck), possibly some type of Dexterity feat, and any number of Two-Weapon Fighting feats to gain extra attacks with the lefty and reduce attack penalties. (Without TWF, penalties are -10 lefty -6 righty, and no extra attacks. TWF feat gives you -4/-4, and one attack. Imp. TWF gives you a second extra attack at -5. Greater TWF gives you a third at -10. TW Defense gives you 1 AC [meh.]. Perfect TWF is from the Epic Handbook and gives you four extra attacks. Each attack with the lefty now has the same bonus as the righty, so something like: +20/+20/+15/+15/+10/+10/+5/+5. However it requires Ambidexterity [Complete Warrior, I think] feat and 25 Dex, unless youre a Ranger and in light armor, and have taken the Two weapon route to its fullest. Crazy.)

As for the weapon itself, I recommend normal stats and weight for two longswords, plus a few pounds for the chain. It should receive a bonus toward trip attacks, and disarm attacks to account for wrapping the chain around things. And when you are disarmed, unless they disarm both weapons, you wont drop the weapon, and should be able to retreive it on a free action, as letting go of the blade is part of normal attacking. Or perhaps there should be a roll involved, since at any point, you may only have one sword in hand, and if its disarmed, its bad for you.

Also, giving it the returning magic ability, and throwing it would be awesome. They are basically more lethal spiked chains in that regard, and it coming back is nice for battle flow.

I don't think there's Ambidexterity in 3.5 anymore, in any book (definitely not in Complete Warrior, I just checked.) Also that Perfect TWF shit is crazy.

Oh, right, I guess I should have specified. I'm trying to dual-wield them, Fighter vs. Kary style. That's why I came up with the ability to wield them in one hand and still get an extra attack for it. I agree that they should be difficult to wield effectively, thus the penalties, even with proficiency, in my build.

So... two swordchucks at the same time? Yeah, I dont even have rules for that.

Yes, two sets of swordchucks at the same time. That's where I hit a snag in balance. Otherwise I'd just run it pretty much like Meister said.

How about treating each of the swingy ends of the sword-chucks as extra arms and thus having to take the multi-dexterity and multi-weapon fighting feats to use them effectively?

This is on top of the two weapon fighting feats.

The most balanced-seeming version I've found runs self-hits on a nat. 1 when wielded in two hands. Extrapolating from that, my version seems fairly balanced as well. Now to run it by my DM and enchant all 4 ends with Speed...

In our ridiculous campaign we had one that was similar to a spiked chain but with sword damage, just you needed a second feat (Super exotic proficiency) to avoid hitting yourself on misses. I'll dig up the stats later.
It was kind of silly and not all that balanced as the fighter has enough feats to blow on stupid things anyway but man was it fun.

Most of the time, if I'm DM'ing or if some of my friends are, natural ones are always self hits, or worse. (sword lodged in something, trip and fall, bowstring broke)

The DM for this campaign usually runs it as just more amusingly described misses. The worst I've seen him do is "Your sword sparks against (his armor/the wall/a random rock) dealing you a point of fire damage." That may be because we tend to roll shittily, though.