Endurtainment: The greatest jokes known to man
 

Greatest measured by size, that is. I just love jokes that are so long the length itself becomes part of the joke. So let's hear them. To start with:

There was a man living in a small village in a very poor area of the world. Sierra Leone, perhaps, or Detroit. By a once in a lifetime chance, he got to go to the circus when it visited the fields outside his village. The man, let's call him Dave, went, and was filled with childlike wonder at every turn: The trapeze artists, the trained animals, the contortionists and the fire eaters and the sword eaters all amazed him, and when the clowns came out and tumbled and danced and threw pies and made faces he just about died with laughter.

And then one of the clowns addressed the audience, asking for volunteers to fill a two-man horse suit. A few people stood up, Dave among them, in his front row seat. The clown smoothly and cheerfully picked among them, pointing first at someone else, saying "There's the horses head", and then at Dave, going "And there's the horse's ass". At which point Dave turned on his heels and quickly walked out of the circus tent, bristling with anger. He's never felt so insulted!

And what's worse is that he had to walk away because he was going to hit the clown in the face, because he wanted so badly to say something that would sear the clown's face and shrink him down into his ridiculous oversized shoes, but he could think of nothing at all. Even now, with what the French call the spirit of the stairway descending on him, he could concieve of no retort.

And in the years following, he worked and worked in the diamond fields, or perhaps the car factories, at a slave wage, while struggling to learn to read, but with a goal burning so clearly in his mind that never once he doubted his course. Eventually he saved up enough money for a mail order education in Quick Wit Retort, which changed his life.

He learned well, prodigiously well, and soon was able to move to the big city with a scholarship to continue his studies in QWR. He achieved a doctorate in record time and opened up a business and found himself, with no resistance at all, the world leader in the field of QWR. He was the teacher now, his advice saught by generals and emperors from all over the world, and life was good indeed.

And one day Dave saw in his hometown paper, which he read every day, that the circus was coming back at last. So he canceled his appointments with Bruce Willis and the Pope and took a plane and a hired limousine to go to the circus. And the trapeze artists, the trained animals, the contortionists and the fire eaters and the sword eaters all did their thing, and the clowns came out and tumbled and danced and threw pies and made faces just like before.

And because Dave had assured himself a spot on the same seat as the last time, when the clown addressed the audience, asking for volunteers to fill a two-man horse suit, he was ready. He stood up, lungs on fire, face cold. The world to him seemed to slow down as the adrenaline raced through his veins: This was the fulfillment of his life. This was revenge. At last. At last the clown pointed at him and said "And there's the horses ass", and Dave let out his breath in a mighty roar:

"FUCK YOU CLOWN!"

The end.

Later, if you'd like and if the stars are aligned, I might I'll paste a ten thousand word monster story called Nate the Snake and the lever that ends the world.

Oh, it's one of those invisible spoiler things. For a minute there I thought you had left off the punchline.

If you want pointlessly long jokes, there's always the classic one (from here):


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

select: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

Oh god, the Nate one? Whoever made it is just way too skilled. So skilled, that the joke is a waste of his/her skills.

It's a waste if you consider the most brilliantly enormous joke in the history of funny stories a waste. It gave me an idea recently, when I saw these pictures of soldiers on Segways in China, you could have a movie that's built on one joke, the entire movie builds up to that joke. Like say we've got a big airport that has an experimental security Segway trooper team to fight terrorists, and they kick ass, lots of fight scenes and chase scenes with Segways and moving walkways and in the end we have this serious team of terrorists shooting up the airport and defeating the Segway troopers by ingeniously running up some stairs and throwing the wheelchair-bound chief of airport security man played by Samuel L Jackson down on them.

Anyway it's a milestone of humor, that story. I'd post it if the size limit on posts wasn't such a hassle - it'd have to be in three parts.

By the way guyy, I lol'd.

Holy shit!

That is the most absurdly, comedic movie premise I have heard in a coon's age!

The Holmes and Watson jokes I knew.

IQ, I hate you now. I laughed, but I hate you. ^_^

The Pink Ping Pong Ball

It was soon to be little Jimmy's fifth birthday party, and his father, feeling that his son was now old enough to be asked what he would like, sat his son down on his knee, and said, "Son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son thought about it for a moment and then quickly said "I want a pink ping pong ball."
His father stared at him for a moment, thinking that perhaps he was mistaken about his sons maturity, but then smiled and said "Of course son, anything for you."
His son hopped off his knee, and went happily along to play as children do.
When the big day came little Jimmy had a great party with all of his little friends and cake and merriment.
When the present opening came he became even more excited, if that was even possible, and saved his fathers present for last, knowing it would be the best.
He had stuffed animals, action figures, a remote controlled car. Even a puppy from his mother.
Finally the moment arrived and little Jimmy savored it, before tearing quickly into his fathers gift.
And there, inside the carefully wrapped box, was a magnificent Model Railroad kit. Little Jimmy only sat there, stunned and surprised. How could his father have lied to him so? This wasn't what he'd asked for. Had his father forgotten? Could he not find the right gift? Little Jimmy had faith. He knew his father would not let him down.
He smiled at his father and said "Thank you dad." and his father smiled back.
Time passed, as is it's wont, and christmas was soon approaching. Little Jimmy's father, knowing how mature his son now was, once again sat him down on his knee and asked his son what he thought Santa would bring him for christmas.
Little Jimmy spoke without hesitation this time. "I want a pink ping pong ball!"
Little Jimmy's father was confused. Had not his son wanted this months ago for his birthday? He'd never even thought about since then, because he had believed that his son was perhaps not quite as old as he had thought. Still, he smiled down at his son, and said "Santa is very smart, and knows what you want!" And little Jimmy went out to play in the snow, knowing this time he was going to get his pink ping pong ball, because Santa always knew what kids wanted.
When the day finally came, and the presents were selected for unwrapping, little Jimmy tore into them in a fervor. A sweater from his grandmother, a new bicycle from his mother, a video game from his father, and there, in the farthest corner underneath the tree, his gift from Santa.
He finally pulled it towards him, and ripped the wrapping away. And to his utter amazement and surprise, there, in the gift box from Santa, was a brand new baseball, and catchers glove. Little Jimmy was crushed. How could Santa have failed in this? He was Santa, and knew what all little children wanted. Had little Jimmy been bad? Not measured up in some way? Why had Santa NOT brought him his pink ping pong ball? He could only wonder.
And so the weeks passed, and months became years, and each and every time his father asked little Jimmy what he would like for his birthdays, christmas', even on his wedding day, little Jimmy enthusiastically replied "A pink ping pong ball."
But it never came.
Then one day, while little Jimmy was riding his motorcycle the unthinkable happened, and he was in a horrible accident. His family was told to come to the hospital, as little Jimmy didn't have much time left.
Kneeling by the side of his sons bed, the father held his hand, listening to the 'beep beep beep' of the heart monitor and other instruments of medicine.
"Son," he said quietly. "what can I do for you? Anything, you name it"
There was only the sound of the 'beep beep beep' as little Jimmy tried desperately to speak.
"A... pink... ping pong.... ball." he barely managed to whisper.
"Alright! I will! For you, son!" his father said fervently. "But son, please, you must tell me... WHY have you wanted a pink ping pong ball, all these years? Even now?"
Little Jimmy paused for a moment, his eyes seemed to flutter to the beat of the 'beep beep' of his monitor.
And he said "I've always... wanted a...pink ping...... pong ball, because......" beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.........

I think a really long joke is awesome as long as the punchline is great. Setting it up for a really crappy ending is just poor writing. That punchline was not great. The Holme's punchline was great.

Torque... I want to know why the kid wanted a pink ping pong ball. I still want to know.

....

You're not going to tell me, are you?

The punchline is on you... That's why it's great. It's also doubly great because you're dumb and didn't get it.
You failed.