The She-Wolf and the Goddess: new beta
 

...

That's a lot better. Much better. The panels aren't suffocated by speech bubbles, anybody could read it and understand what exactly the characters are saying without having to rush to the nearest guide to fantasy languages, and the story is actually kind of interesting. Not necessarily my thing, but I can still see other people being interested in it.

In regards to your first-ish question, strips 11 to 15 do seem to flow rather well together. It seemed a bit jarring at first, but that could have just been me. It's like walking into a room in a horror game and having something pop out and you go "Damn, what was that?!", but then you know what's coming later and you understand it.

Overall, I see much improvement on your part. My only real beef is with those asterisks being used as emphasis, and especially with you using "boo hoo" to denote crying. It strikes me as unnecessary to put that in the speech bubble when the character is shown to be shedding big, fat tears of sadness.

Otherwise I'm impressed. Good show, old boy.

Woah.

Leaps and motherfucking bounds, my friend.

Imoen in the smock with the smelting gloves talking to Gorien actually looks great, like, to a surprising degree. It could use a few more of your own personal touches to make it different from OOTS, but I'm glad to see that you've sucked it up and taken our criticisms. It is a hell of an improvement.

Most noticeable improvement in writing - the silence that Aina goes through in #15. It gives her a second to sigh, collect her thoughts, then realize how Imoen is being there for her, then thank her. A little bit of introspective silence does wonders for a character sometimes, and you pulled it off very well.

However, writing still needs a bit more polish. See if you can get someone to run your ideas by before you write them out, among them, this is the second time you've had a character zone out into a flashback and completely disassociate themselves from reality, and it still is a bit odd. People really don't do that, if they flashback, it's usually a "Hey, Imoen!" followed by a "Huh? Oh, sorry."

Her coming out of her flashback - not like, a dream, where you're completely unaware it isn't real - screaming bloody murder just seems odd.

Few tips - 1, if you need emphasis, use some bold or italics. Using asterisks for emphasis and for the descriptive noises like "sigh" and "groan" is awkward, readers need a clear-cut use for it once you start using it, and it needs to stay the same.

2 - Imoen's use of "Droogs" makes it seem like she doesn't like them, especially since it's a word the normal reader can't infer. If Imoen doesn't like them, then that was very good usage. If it's just a word for "friends", you might want to consider changing it.

3 - I noticed in Comic 15 you stretched out Imoen's head to make it bigger for the 'hug' pose. While this was very well done improvisation for the art style, it blurs Imoen's mouth and makes it look less crisp. You should re-draw all the characters at high resolution so you can use them at whatever size you need. Unless I'm mistaken that's what Rich Burlew does as well. Hell that's what most artists do, sprite comics excluded for obvious reasons.

But, again, I'm really happy to see you taking our criticism. Last thread was a disaster because you shut us out, now that you're listening and trying to improve your comic is getting much, much, much better. Keep it up. Nobody ever got better by not trying. Even if this comic doesn't work out too well for you, you've learned lots about comics writing and art, and that stays with you with every project.

EDIT: Oh, a #4 while I'm at it - If you want to make it seem more yours in art and style and less like Burlew's, do something different with the area where the arms and legs meet the torso. Just a thought.

...

I never said use all caps. Use Bold font or something, that's probably the best idea. Yes, Burlew does it, but that's very different from swiping art style.

No all caps unless they're yelling. Emphasis on a word needs to be conveyed differently from actual raised voice.

Like, my favorite example: Haley in OOTS: "You need to listen to the words I am saying." She isn't yelling, she's just putting more vocal emphasis into it.

The art is still a bad OOTS ripoff. You have to make something your own. You just admitted to stealing the entire blacksmithing part from the scene with the starmetal in OOTS. You can't do that - your art needs to be your art. I can't express this enough.

Your linked example is completely different. Black Mage went into la-la land in an internal monologue and when he snapped out of it, he just did what he decided to do while internally thinking. Imoen started telling a story, freaked out, started screaming, and needed Aina to calm her down. Totally different.

A better way to use that, like I said, is have her just snap out of it like a normal person. "Imoen?" "Huh? Oh, sorry."

Then don't use it. It sounds negative, like, "Ugh, you droogs." Again, I know it's how Imoen speaks, but it's getting in the way of conveying the message. Away it goes.

You are improving, but I'd highly recommend not responding to everything with a "Well this is why I did it." Instead, your response should be, "Well, this was what I was meaning to do. How can i convey it better?"

...

1 - BraveFencer made this point repeatedly. Your comic is an OOTS ripoff. Whether or not it is good or bad or anything that gives them a first impression that they can find something better elsewhere. Rich Burlew's writing is pure pro and he's got a unique look and feel. By having this art style be identical to his, you are effectively saying "I'm just a copycat!" That turns readers off.

Do not argue this point with me. Being a copycat turns readers off. You can't debate this, it's just true. Few people are going to see OOTS and be more interested in your comic due to similarities.

2 - Um, logical argument? Dude I'm pretty much as logical as you can get right now - I read the word, I don't know what it means, I inferred that it sounds negative. You should take it out. Because it sounds like a word that implies disdain. I don't know what else you want from me. Should I present articles about words with two 'o's imply hatred or something?

3 - Okay! Let's try this again.

I said if something seems weird to us you should explain what you meant, and take our advice on how to better make that meaning clear. What you are doing now is explaining why we don't get it and completely sidestepping that we shouldn't have to ask.

What you've basically said is "well I know what's going on, and of course you don't because I haven't told you yet." Which is completely unrelated to what I'm saying. I think this might be a language gap - you said your main language wasn't English, right? - because you're talking about the entire story and I'm just talking about each individual comic.

Lastly:
You really aren't listening anymore. Your comic isn't getting the message across not because it's incomplete but because it just isn't good. Each comic consistently does a few things right but is full of storytelling and comic issues (OOTS ripoff, characters acting unrealistically, etc).

I'm really running out of patience here. Stop defending and explaining everything and suck up to the fact that you are still an amateur. There's nothing wrong with it. Everyone goes through it. Being creative as a hobby/lifestyle is full of creating bad material. I think about the Pokemon fanfiction I wrote when I was twelve and I cringe.

Take this as a learning experience and roll with it. You are improving by taking our advice. Keep doing that.

Maybe you should scrap the whole comic thing then, try your hand at getting your ideas out in writing. Not to knock on your comic dreams or anything, but I mean... when you say things like

and then post it publicly expecting - if not praise - approval, it's... it just doesn't fly. I don't quite understand what you're trying to get from us in regards to your comic. We value originality in work, here, and if you're aiming for approval you'll have to do something with art style to make it your own, even in the tiniest way possible.

That aside, your writing has improved a lot. I still think you should at least give pure text a shot.

You can also just start drawing it for that matter. Questionable Content drew every weekday for four years and look where he's at now.

Point being the whole "I'm ripping everyone off for my storytelling practice" doesn't fly.

---