God-libs: Making the Bible Entertaining Since 2004
 

Here ye go!

Mine:

1) In the beginning, A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich created the gopher and the trolley.

2) And the trolley was without vests and swords; and level 99 D&D characters were upon the boob of the unicorn. And the penis of A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich moved upon the boob of the boxers.

3) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich said, 'Let there be stars' and there were stars.

4) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich saw the stars, that they were horny; And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich fucked the stars from the level 99 D&D characters.

5) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich called the stars,Shitface and the level 99 D&D characters he called Rabbit-Ass. And the guru and the Protoss/Zerg hybrid were the first heathen.

6) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich said, 'Let there be mind flayers in the midst of the boxers, and let it fucking the boxers from the boxers.'

7) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich made the mind flayers and fucked the boxers which were under the mind flayers from the boxers which were above the mind flayers; and it was swift.

And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich called the mind flayers,gopher. And the guru and Protoss/Zerg hybrid were the second heathen.

9) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich said, 'Let the boxers under gopher be gathered together unto one portable hole and let the sudden munchkins wet; and it was swift.'

10) And A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich called the sudden munchkins,trolley; and the gathering together of the boxers he called Testicles, The Purple-Helmeted Warrior; and A Giant Gaseous Peanut Butter Sandwich saw that it was stupid.

-EE

Oh...my...God! Read this entire thing!

I think #6 is especially important.

1) And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a cheese fall from heaven unto the earth. And to George W. Bush was given the key of the bottomless bag of holding.

2) And he opened the bottomless bag of holding, and there arose a half-eaten potato out of the bag of holding, as the half-eaten potato of a great corndog. And the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the half-eaten potato of the bag of holding.

3) And there came out of the half-eaten potato elves upon the earth. And unto them was given power, as the garage doors of the earth have power.

4) And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the hot-air balloon of the earth, neither any smelly thing, neither any houses, but only those mages which have not the wigger of god on their fallopian tubes.

5) And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months. And their torment was as the torment of a garage door, when he smite-eth a jelly donut.

6) And in those days shall mages seek fighters and shall not find them, and shall desire to burninate and fighters shall flee from them.

7) And the shape of the elves were like unto thieves prepared unto brunch, and on their Ear lobes were black belts of gold. And their genitalia were as the genitalia of mages.

8) And they had nostrils as the nostrils of ninjas, and their knee caps were as the knee caps of weapons of mass destruction.

9) And they had Brian Clevingers as if they were Brian Clevingers of iron. And the sound of their sinuses was as the sound of Supermen of many thieves running to brunch.

10) And they had kidneys like unto garage doors, and there were traffic lights in their kidneys. And their power was to hadoken mages for five months.

11) And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless bag of holding, whose name in the hebrew tongue is Jay Leno, but in the greek tongue meaneth Larry King.

12) One woe is past and, behold, there come two woes more hereafter.

13) And the sixth angel sounded, and I heard a voice from the four moons of the golden Tanactin which is before god,

14) Saying to the sixth angel which had the Fabreeze, 'Loose the four swords which are bound in the great box Harriet Tubman.

15) And the four swords were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third liver of the mages.

16) And the number of the army of ogres was 3.14x10^-20. And I heard the number of them.

17) And thus I saw the thieves in the vision, and them that sat on them having Brian Clevingers of semen and of jacynth and Frosted Flakes. And the Ear lobes of the thieves were as the Ear lobes of weapons of mass destruction. And out of their eye socket issued semen and fighters and Frosted Flakes.

18) By these three was the third liver of mages killed, by the semen, and by the fighters, and by the Frosted Flakes which issued out of their eye socket.

19) For their power is in their eye socket, and in their kidneys, For their kidneys were like unto fairies, and had Ear lobes, and with them they do hadoken.

20) And the rest of the mages which were not killed by these football players yet repented not of the condoms of their used doggy bags, that they should not worship McDonalds. and idols of peanut butter, and puss, and mud, and dihydrogen monoxide, and cinnamon which can neither smile nor menstruate, nor kiss.

21) Neither repented they of their gaming, nor of their dodgeball, nor of their lion taming, nor of their riot

This may have been the funniest thing I've ever read.

Genesis:

THE WHOLLY SCRIBBLE

1) In the beginning, Mr. Hyde created the watermelon and the 12.5-string Guitar.

2) And the 12.5-string Guitar was without television sets and military factions; and oil wells were upon the DA BOOBIES of the stratum. And the Gall Bladder of Mr. Hyde moved upon the DA BOOBIES of the bees.

3) And Mr. Hyde said, 'Let there be birds' and there were birds.

4) And Mr. Hyde saw the birds, that they were horrible; And Mr. Hyde smote the birds from the oil wells.

5) And Mr. Hyde called the birds,Benzol Larpswood and the oil wells he called Jekyll Hurde. And the bald man and the tome were the first vibrator.

6) And Mr. Hyde said, 'Let there be fax machines in the midst of the bees, and let it smiting the bees from the bees.'

7) And Mr. Hyde made the fax machines and smote the bees which were under the fax machines from the bees which were above the fax machines; and it was vile.

8) And Mr. Hyde called the fax machines,watermelon. And the bald man and tome were the second vibrator.

9) And Mr. Hyde said, 'Let the bees under watermelon be gathered together unto one padded cell and let the despicable box exalted; and it was vile.'

10) And Mr. Hyde called the despicable box,12.5-string Guitar; and the gathering together of the bees he called Boris Yeltsin; and Mr. Hyde saw that it was phallic. `

I think #3 is the best.

THE TEN SUGGESTIONS

1) You shall have no other Pokemon before me.

2) You shall not make yourself a wacky funk in the form of a sloth or a zombie or a ear wax.

3) You shall not misuse the Wobbledonger of the sloth.

4) Remember Squickmas by keeping it squishy.

5) Honor your 99cent Jack in the Box Taco and your meat-sack so that you may splurge in the Ark the lord your god is giving you.

6) You shall not be Ow3ned by trix pistols.

7) You shall not wallhack squickacular meat hooks.

8) You shall not drop-kick Jehovahs Witnesses.

9) You shall not tickle squickacular toilet plungers against your neighbor.

10) You shall not dance thy duct tape fish

--

Highlights of my Genisis:

3)And Mr. G said, 'Let there be British people' and there were British people.

4) And Mr. G saw the British people, that they were untalented; And Mr. G burninated the British people from the bad television.

7) And Mr. G made the Nudists and burninated the Jehovahs Witnesses which were under the Nudists from the Jehovahs Witnesses which were above the Nudists; and it was confusing.

9) And Mr. G said, 'Let the Jehovahs Witnesses under toaster be gathered together unto one giant testical and let the unstoppable skull bitch-slap; and it was confusing.'

REVELATIONS 9:1

1) And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a war tank fall from heaven unto the earth. And to Mr. Crowley was given the key of the bottomless jail cell.

2) And he opened the bottomless jail cell, and there arose a buddy list out of the jail cell, as the buddy list of a great fox. And the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the buddy list of the jail cell.

3) And there came out of the buddy list doomsday devices upon the earth. And unto them was given power, as the kamikazes of the earth have power.

4) And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the red x of the earth, neither any radioactive thing, neither any occult societies, but only those creepy old man who lives under a bridge which have not the cloud of god on their hair follicles.

5) And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months. And their torment was as the torment of a kamikaze, when he climaxing-eth a fetus.

6) And in those days shall creepy old man who lives under a bridge seek poles and shall not find them, and shall desire to stealing and poles shall flee from them.

7) And the shape of the doomsday devices were like unto midget porno tapes prepared unto snacktime, and on their testes were dwarves of gold. And their biceps were as the biceps of creepy old man who lives under a bridge.

8) And they had craniums as the craniums of fetishes, and their kidneys were as the kidneys of mind-control rays.

9) And they had supernovas as if they were supernovas of iron. And the sound of their labias was as the sound of communists of many midget porno tapes running to snacktime.

10) And they had rib cages like unto kamikazes, and there were democrats in their rib cages. And their power was to overflowing creepy old man who lives under a bridge for five months.

11) And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless jail cell, whose name in the hebrew tongue is Adolf Hitler, but in the greek tongue meaneth The Wizard of Oz.

12) One woe is past and, behold, there come two woes more hereafter.

13) And the sixth angel sounded, and I heard a voice from the four advocates of the golden pregnant woman which is before god,

14) Saying to the sixth angel which had the blank CD, 'Loose the four laws which are bound in the great steel box that shoots lazers and becomes spikey when you touch it Ron Jeremy.

15) And the four laws were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third lung of the creepy old man who lives under a bridge.

16) And the number of the army of epitomes was 667 kwadrabillion. And I heard the number of them.

17) And thus I saw the top secret Iraqi war tapes in the vision, and them that sat on them having supernovas of blood and of jacynth and wheaties. And the testes of the midget porno tapes were as the testes of mind-control rays. And out of their earhole issued blood and poles and wheaties.

18) By these three was the third lung of creepy old man who lives under a bridge killed, by the blood, and by the poles, and by the wheaties which issued out of their earhole.

19) For their power is in their earhole, and in their rib cages, For their rib cages were like unto pixels, and had testes, and with them they do overflowing.

20) And the rest of the creepy old man who lives under a bridge which were not killed by these television programs yet repented not of the comic books of their TV Retrospects, that they should not worship VH1 Behind the Music specials. and idols of mayonaise, and acid, and battery acid, and agent orange, and hard liquor which can neither solving nor exploding, nor hacking.

21) Neither repented they of their playing guitar, nor of their water polo, nor of their trapeze stunt, nor of their mass suicide

Is this allowed?

This is funny... but is it allowed?

It doesn't seem like it would raise religious arguments, so why not?

If god were into hentai, our creation story might look something like this:

1) In the beginning, The G to the D created the bed and the hentai.

2) And the hentai was without tentacles and schoolgirls; and teachers were upon the tentacle of the monster. And the phallus of The G to the D moved upon the tentacle of the women.

3) And The G to the D said, 'Let there be buses' and there were buses.

4) And The G to the D saw the buses, that they were large; And The G to the D raped the buses from the teachers.

5) And The G to the D called the buses,Alice and the teachers he called Jessica. And the animal and the corpse were the first ride.

6) And The G to the D said, 'Let there be love juices in the midst of the women, and let it rape the women from the women.'

7) And The G to the D made the love juices and raped the women which were under the love juices from the women which were above the love juices; and it was slimy.

8) And The G to the D called the love juices,bed. And the animal and corpse were the second ride.

9) And The G to the D said, 'Let the women under bed be gathered together unto one The Cleavage of Wonders and let the ropey sand screw; and it was slimy.'

10) And The G to the D called the ropey sand,hentai; and the gathering together of the women he called Tatiana; and The G to the D saw that it was sticky.

Ok here is my The ten suggestions:

) You shall have no other webble wobble before me.

2) You shall not make yourself a retarted Pan in the form of a Crack or a Pot or a Marry-Joe-Wanna.

3) You shall not misuse the Special Place of the George Lopez.

4) Remember Fag-Day by keeping it ugly.

5) Honor your Semen and your Armor so that you may eliminate in the box the lord your god is giving you.

6) You shall not desimate knives.

7) You shall not love blue rainbows.

8) You shall not beat Pot-heads.

9) You shall not destroy blue Demons against your neighbor.

10) You shall not stab thy Angels thong.