The Warring States of NPF

Spotted this on another forum. Slightly amusing.

Quote:

The Participants:

Billy - 15, Level 1 Loner. Friendless and proud of it, Billy has up to now led a life of content solitude collecting Pokemon cards. Yearns to live in the basement.

Gareth - 17, Level 2 Computing Student. Gareth is Billy's cousin, and so does not really count as a friend but an aquiantence. Gareth has already bought the D&D rule books, but has not yet found someone to play with. Has the makings of long stubble.

Darren - 15, Level 1 Nerd. This kid knows everything about anything, and is an acne-infested wonder. Once collected stamps; is now hording every scrap of information on Harry Potter and LOTR, so he can one day write a definitive book on their intricate similarities.

<Dungeon Master> Welcome. I trust you have read and understand all the rule books?

<players> Yes.

<Darren> Twice.

<DM> Good. Now during your adventures you will gain experience for your achievements, and will be punished for your ignorance, your failures, and at random moments when I am bored and wish to balance out the game as lazily as possible.

<players> Right.

<DM> So. Let's begin. You are standing next to each other at the school gates, waiting for lunch to end. A group of bullies lingers a few meters to your left; a rabble of hot, sexy WOOYL (way out of your league) girls to your right. The silence between you is becoming unbearable. What do you do?

<Billy> Uh. I stare straight at the wall ahead. The bullies are too intimidating, and the girls are...uh...too intimidating.

<Darren> I stare at Billy's feet.

<Gareth> I linger my eyes slightly towards the girls with a sullen, pitiful expression on my face, and wonder what I'm still doing with a couple of short-arse, spotty fifteen year olds.

<DM> Hmm. One of the girls looks and points at you, and the group start to head in your direction. You all look embarrassingly sad. Roll a Save vs Blushing!

<Billy> I got 17.

<Gareth> Shit, I got 8.

<Darren> I got 10.

<DM> Billy saves and continues staring at the wall. Darren gains a bonus as his spots mask the blushing, and so saves. Gareth fails and blushes profusely. The girls approach and laugh at him. "What are you three talking about?" they ask, mockingly. You have to reply. Roll a Conversation initiative.

<Billy> 10. I can't think of anything to say.

<Darren> Um, I dropped the dice.

<Gareth> 20!

<DM> What do you say to them?

<Gareth> "Uh...we were discussing...ermm...my Computing project...?"

<DM> The girls laugh some more, but eventually wonder away. Gareth gains 120exp! As the ice is broken, you begin to talk with each other. You suggest getting together tonight and doing something. What do you decide?

<players> [confer]

<Gareth> We decide to go to my place and play D&D.

<DM> Good! Everyone gains 600 exp. Billy, Darren - I believe that puts you both up to Level 2. You both gain 5lbs and make the transition from lager to real ale.

<Darren> Alright!

<DM> On the way home from school you encounter a bully. He has 50hp and a steel chain. He stares at you and yells "fookin' 'ave it!", then charges you. Roll a Save vs Charge!

<players> [roll]

<DM> Billy and Gareth manage to dodge his onslaught. Darren takes the hit directly and is thrown to the ground for one round. What do you do?

<Billy> I retreat to a safe distance.

<Gareth> I cast Witty Riposte at the bully.

<DM> Billy successfully retreats. Gareth, roll a Wit check.

<Gareth> 15.

<DM> Although your witty response is clever and cutting, it goes straight over the moron's head. He whacks you with the chain, which hits you straight in the face for 5hp of damage. Darren returns to his feet. What do you do?

<Billy> I throw my bag at the bully.

<Gareth> I elbow him in the stomach.

<Darren> I run for help.

<DM> Billy, your appauling dexterity means your bag misses the bully and hits a nearby car, angering the driver. Gareth, your elbow winds the bully for 15hp, and incapacitates him for the next round. Darren, you are useless and get lost for the round. What do you do?

<Billy> Retreat!

<Gareth> Steal and equip the chain and retreat.

<Darren> Ask for directions home.

<DM> You all manage to escape the bully and gain 100exp. That night you all gather at Gareth's place and begin your first game of D&D.

<Darren> But aren't we playing it now?

<DM> Yes, but -

<Darren> Well that creates a paradox, where we exist in multiple realities and -

<DM> Silence! I'm the DM, and I say you're playing the game within the game, alright? Good. Now, what do you bring to the game?

<Billy> I bring a small keg of ale that I stole from my dad's home brew kit.

<Darren> I bring some crisps.

<Gareth> I bring an assortment of weaponry, some old coins, a big dusty book and some helmets, as well as the character figurines I've been painting for the last two years.

<DM> Excellent! Billy, your efforts gain you 100exp. Darren, you only get 30exp. Gareth has taken the initiative of playing with props, and therefore gains 300exp and progresses to Level 3. You gain an extra stone, begin growing your first beard, and can add an extra spell to your reportoire. What do you choose?

<Gareth> Hmm. I think I'll go for Sweat Cloud.

[SWEAT CLOUD - When cast, this spell triples the effectiveness of the caster's sweat glands, creating a devastating effect over a 30ft radius area. Creatures in the area must make a Save vs Choking + 2 in order to vacate the area, or else they will be rendered unconcious for the next two rounds. The caster and his party are unnaffected by the spell, due to their frequent accommodation with sweat.]

<DM> Very good. Just make sure you don't use it near any friendly NPCs. There can be tragic results...