'Kay, So I Beat "No More Heroes," And I Still Dun Know What's Going On (SPOILERS)
 

So yeah - in every preview of the game, it's like "Travis was trying to impress a girl so he killed Helter Skelter, and became the 11th ranked assassin in the US." Okay, I can deal with that. Besides, Sylvia Christel, the girl I was trying to impress is pretty cute.

So I play as Travis Touchdown, a fashion nightmare otaku wrestling fan with a beam saber I got offa an "internet auction site."

But then I play the game and it's like "Hey, there is no assassin's association and you're being conned by Sylvia. She's not really who she says she is." And I'm like "Okay..." and then they're like "Hey go kill the last guy anyways." So I do. And the last guy is apparently my father. But then some chick kills him, and reveals that he's not my dad, but she's my long lost sister, Jeane.

Then I "remember" that I got into the assassination business because somebody killed my parents when I was younger. And in the flashback, it looks like Jeane killed them, and then Sylvia sets me up to kill lots of people.

....

So I kill her, and then in one of the endings my long lost twin brother saves my life, or at least kills someone who's trying to kill me while I'm taking a dump and then reveals that he's married to Sylvia going on ten years.

And then after I beat Henry in combat, the game ends in a big epic painting of us swinging our beam sabers at each other, and Sylvia and a little girl are looking at it. Then Sylvia's like "You really like this painting, don't you Jeane? Let's go." Then she's all like "To bad there's not gonna be a sequel," and then the game is all like "TO BE CONTINUED."

And I didn't even get to sleep with Syliva! She was all like "You're a fashion nightmare otaku wrestling fan with a beam saber you got offa an 'internet auction site.' No girl would be caught dead with you."

So... what part don't you get?

You seem to have it covered.

Travis proved that much wrong, at least.

Going by Travis' remark to Sir Henry Motherfucker, it does seem like he slept with Sylvia. Or maybe he was just being a douche to him.

Probably the latter.

I never really liked the nonexistent nature of the UAA though, that bothered me more than Travis not getting any.

Please tell me Sir Henry Motherfucker is someone's actual name in this game.

Well, during one of your assassination missions, the target has a rocket looking contraption that's gonna unleash all sorts of major pain and doom on you.

Then some Irish dude named Henry comes outta the sky and slashes it in half, and you're all like "WTF KILL STEAL HAX," and he's like "I'm Henry," and you start calling him "Sir Henry Motherfucker."

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleim...asictwist3.jpg
Kind of like that?

Pretty much.

I wish I could make ^^ that part of my sig...