A fanfic that coming soon
 

It is really a parody of Rockman.exe and the title is BlackMage.exe. All the Navis had been replace by either 8-bit theater characters or Final Fantasy characters. Of course the story is about the same the one of the different is that not only do Netto have to save the day but he also have to keep telling BM that they are not joining the evil side. I do have a few of the characters bios.

Black Mage-He is Netto’s (you know him as Lan if you play the Megaman battle Network games) Navis. His main attack is Hadoken but in a weaker form. He spends most of his spare time plotting to take over the Net and if he is anywhere near her try to flirt with White Mage.

Black Belt-He is Dekao’s (you know him as Dex if you play that game) Navis. His main attacks are his nunchaku. He is very strong and thinks of Black Mage as a rival. He does get lost often inside his pet. He has a crush on White Mage.

White Mage-She is Meiru’s (you know her as Mayl if you play the game) Navis. Her main attack is her hammer in which is use a lot on Black Mage when he tries to flirt with her. She hate Black Mage for the fact that he is evil but she do sometime care about him.

Kary-She is Kenichi Hino’s (you know him as Mr. Match if you play the game) Navis. Her main attack is fire tower. She even acts on the word fire or anything that is fire related.

Here are some new bios
Thief-He is Yaito's (you know her as Yai if you play the game) Navis. As his name stand he is a thief and anywhere Yaito take him he try to steal stuff. He even sometime steals from Yaito. He is able to easy map out a place as he might have already made a map of that place and good at break into places. His main attack is his gun.

Red Mage-He is Tohru's (you know him as Tory if you watch the dub anime) Navis. He treats his battle like a game and able to change his stats. He mainly uses ice base attacks.

Wakka-He is Madoi's (you know her as Maddy if you play the game) Navis. One of his main attacks is his ball in which he able to kick it at his enemy. He also have able to make two smaller version of his self in which one is fire base and the other is water base.

Setzer-He is Yamitaro Higure's (you know him as Mr. Higsby if you play the game) Navis. His main attacks are his dice in which the foe takes damage to what ever he rolls. He is a good gambler and good with number. (Mostly for the fact that you need math to add your winning.)

Sarda-He is Mahajarma's (you know him as Yahoot if you watch the dub anime) Navis. He is a very powerful wizard and may even be stronger then Black Mage. He has very fast speed and can bend reality. His main attack is his Fira balls.

Fighter-He is Enzan's (you know him as Chaud if you play the game) Navis. He is a carefree warrior who like swords in which he use a lot. He is Black Mage main rival and annoys Black Mage and everyone else including Enzan. He is very strong and has even faster speed then Sarda. He wishes that Enzan would like him be friends and rival with Black Mage. He is the only person who unaware that Black Mage is evil. He as so unaware that when he and Black Mage battle that Black Mage trying to delete him.

Here are some more bios
King Steve-He is Torakichi's (You know him as Tora if you play the game) Navis. He is not that bright but is very powerful. His most powerful attack was Checkmate but King Steve made Torakichi change it to King Steve’s kick ass checkmate.

Gau-He is Miyuki's (You know her as Miyu if you play the game) Navis. He is very hyper making him hard to hit. He has the ability to us rage to in which he use a Navi he had leaped before attacks. (even if they can’t use it yet) His favorite rage is Black Mage for he can use a powerful attack that Black Mage can’t use yet.

Does anyone know who wood make a good replacement for Woodman? Also I need to know how you think of the bios.

Here is a bit more
Ur-He is Commander Beef's Navis. His main attacks are water base and can attack under water very well.

Garland-He is Princess Pride's Navis. His main weapon is a ball and chain. He act nice most of the time which annoy Black Mage. He is scared of Net Imps and when he see some he attacks blindly which in Black Mage case mean pain.

Kirby, no double posting. You really ought to remember this, 'cos I know Fifth's reminded you of it before. Around here it doesn't matter how many days apart your double-posts are; we just don't want double-posting here at all if we can possibly help it. It's why you have an "edit" button.

This is a reply from the BlackMage.exe thread. I got all your hint and going to try to use them to make my story better. It take time to write a story and just because I am a kid (17 years old is still a kid.) does not mean that I can't get better. So it may be a few days or weeks (depends on my online high school work) but I will have a edited chapter that is readable on a new thread.

This is a rewrite of your content.
 

This fanfic is actually a parody of Rockman.exe. I've just rescripted the story to fit with characters from 8-bit theatre, thus, "BlackMage.exe". All of the 'navi' or main characters from Rockman.exe have been replaced with 8-bit theatre and final-fantasy characters. The story will be about the same, with a few character and personality based changes to fit with the established 8-bit theatre personas. For ease of reference I'm going to write them all out here.

Black Mage is Netto's navi, and is the main character of this story. His main attack is a weak hadouken, in actuality just a renamed megabuster cannon blast. He spends much of his spare time plotting frivolously to take over the net, and frequently flirts with Meiru's Navi, White Mage.

Black Belt is Dekao's Navi. He typically attacks with his Nunchaku. Whiel physically powerful, he's comically unintelligent, and frequently is outmatched by Black Mage in contest. Black Belt also has an attraction to White Mage.

White Mage is Meiru's Navi. When she attacks, she typically uses her hammer- although more often, it is used to rebuff the flirtations and unwanted attentions of Black Mage. She has a passion against evil but beleives in the good inherent in everyone.

Kary is Kenichi Hino's Navi. She primarily uses 'magic' or viral attacks such as Fire Tower. She is motivated towards flame and responds aggressively to nearly every situation involving fire.

And here are some of the new character bio's, that detail more information on previously unseen characters.

Theif is Yaito's Navi. As his name clearly states, he is a theif, and an excellent one at that. Yaito acts as his partner in crime to help him access locations to steal valuables, although Theif has been known to occasionally double-cross and steal from Yaito as well. A clear head and strong memory help him map his previous locations and haunts, and his entryman skills are sublime. When pushed into combat, he typically uses his pistol.

Red Mage is Tohru's Navi. He reacts to every battle from the fourth person, seeing his world as a game (which, Ironically, it is.) He alters his PET details and persona statistics frequently and haphazardly, and favours ice-based PET and special attacks.

Wakka-He is Madoi's (you know her as Maddy if you play the game) navi. One of his main attacks is his ball in which he able to kick it at his enemy. He also have able to make two smaller version of his self in which one is fire base and the other is water base.

Wakka is Madoi's Navi. His primary attack is a Comedically large Ball, which he launches at his opponent with powerful kicks. Among his other abilities, he can create duplicates with elemental affiliations towards Fire and Water. [Detail his personality more. Maybe he's funny? Tells bad jokes?]

Setzer is Yamitaro Higure's Navi. He beleives in chance, and uses dice to base his skills and to find the target of his attacks. A skilled Mathematician, as well as a great gambler, Setzer brings an interesting skillset to the story.

[You know the entire Sarda entry is just terrible and doesn't fit at all with the rest of it. I'd redo it entirely in a similar vein as the rewrites I've done so far.]

Fighter is Enzan's Navi. A skilled but mentally unskilled warrior, he focuses on his swordplay and not much else. He's frustrating and annoying, and detrimental to all around him, including his rival Black Mage. He seeks Enzan's approval, and is wholly unaware of Black Mage's intentions of conquering the world. Black mage has made frequent (yet unsuccessful) attempts to delete him.

King Steve is Torakichi's Navi. While not all that intelligent, the character is very powerful. While his moves are chess-based, they are interlaced with his ego, resulting in strangely named moves, such as, "King Steve's Kick-ass Checkmate."

[Gau's entire entry was too unreadable for me to translate into english. Rewrite.]

[You have plenty of characters now. You really don't need more, but he requested Woodman here.]

[Ur's Entry seems pointless and redundant. Advising you to Drop.]

Garland is Princess Pride's Navi. His primary weapon is a Ball and Chain, similar to a Flail, but without the Iron Rod. While seemingly sincere and innocent, (and suffering from a severe fright towards imps) He is beleived to be plotting something devious.

************************************************** **

THERE. That's some touch ups that if you compare between the original and this, you should see some marked improvements. Mine isn't perfect, and was written at 1:30, 2 AM so gimme a break on that regard. I left in a few tagged mentions of what I think could be improved, what you need to redo, etc. Because if even your character bio is this awful you need to REALLY rework this entire thing.

Redeemable qualities about this fanfic? Content. You have a lot of content, ALMOST ALL OF IT jacked from the Comic and the Games/TV Show, but there's a ton of Content here. Make use of it well. Don't overexplain situations that are rediculously clear, and don't underexplain retardedly complex features. If you fear something might not come across to your readers, create a lexicon early on.

For starters, you might want to make a Lexicon that defines the terms, "NAVI" and "PET" right away and make it your openning post. Include other in-world terms that the average person isn't going to know. For instance, almost everyone an their grandmother knows what a Nunchaku is, and an Airship, while a touch Esoteric isn't exactly a genius leap to reach.

A PET chip or a NetNavi required a Google search for me to define properly, and I watched that anime when it was on TV... 3 years ago.


So right. To summarize:

1) Read, Compare, LEARN From edits.

2) You have pre-existing Content. Use it.

3) Lexicon.


Edit:
PS: IT'S NAVI NOT NAVIS STOP MAKING THAT HORRIBLE TYPO DAMNIT.

That a really good edit and I going to see if I can rewrite some of those bio better.

Sarda is Mahajarma's navi. He is known as the wizard who did it and is very wise. But he do like to use magic for fun. He is able out speed Black Mage and also he don't like him. He uses his rod to do his powerful magic.

Gau is Miyuki's Navi. He is very hyper making him have a fast speed. He has the ability to us rage to in which he use a Navi he had leaped before attacks. (even if they can’t use it yet) His favorite rage is Black Mage for he can use a powerful attack that Black Mage can’t use yet. Black Mage can't decided who is more annoying; Fighter or Gau.

You know I think you right about Ur I replace him with someone better.

Bikke is Commander Beef's Navi. He is a water base navi who can't swim but a good underwater attacker in which confuses Black Mage. He uses a pirate sword. (not to be confuse with the sword battle chip)

P.S-You are right about the fact that I shouldn't be worrying about a replacement for Woodman. I need a replacement for ElecMan first.

I'm just gonna take a look at those, correct grammar mistakes (corrections will be bold) and post my reaction to the content. One step at a time. :)
That's an okay description. I get a good basic idea of the character.

The Gau description has a few problems, and I'm gonna break it up:
That means basically the same thing. It would be better to say something like "he's very fast and can easily dodge attacks" or "he's very fast, making him hard to hit."

Hard to understand, I only get it because I know FF6. You need to explain what "leaping" is before you get to the rage. Example: "He can leap on other navi and copy their abilities. Afterwards he can use his "rage" ability to use the copied abilities (even if the other navi couldn't use it)." Not perfect, but it works better.

You've already explained that. I'd just say "his favourite rage is Black Mage" and leave the other thing for the story.

Okay.

You need to explain what makes this pirate sword different. Can't he just have a pirate sword battle chip, for example?

For all the criticism we heap on you, one problem you don't seem to have is spelling. That does go a long way. And I have an idea: maybe it would be better if you posted only one or two paragraphs of story next time. That would make it easier to read and give advice. And you do need to get the basics of writing down first.

One problem you do seem to suffer from is that, from my point of view, you get confused in the middle of your sentences. You combine ideas into a single sentence and while that's normally fine, maybe you'd do better sticking to one thought per sentence.

Such as:

Bikke is Commander Beef's Navi. He is a water base navi who can't swim but a good underwater attacker in which confuses Black Mage. He uses a pirate sword. (not to be confuse with the sword battle chip)

Would read better, and I think would help 90% of your problems, if you wrote it out single sentenced:

Bikke is Commander Beers' Navi. He is a water-based Navi who ironically cannot swim. His claims of being "The best warrior under the sea" confuses many. He uses a pirate sword.

Each 'idea' is in it's own slot. In this case, "Name and Owner" is one idea. "Fact" is second. "Personality" is 3rd, and "Weapon" is 4th.

I'd also reccomend you pick a structure, such as Name-owner / Fact / Personality / weapon" and use it as a sort-of template? If that's the right word?


Finally, the reason I was saying Sarda seemed off and why many character profiles don't sit right, is the mention of Magic. You should make a lexicon entry titled, "Magic" and include how Magic is just a computer simulation for the Navi-side of the world.

In fact I think if you're going to write something the next post should definitely be an attempt at a Lexicon. Including links works too, and reading the phrasing on Wikipedia should help out a ton.

Edit: I kind of feel sorry for you at this point because I've got this overwhelming urge to help you now, but I'm an asshole so like all my advice is going to feel like a backhanded insult. :/ I'll do my best to restrain myself.

I'm just going to assume you're either lying about your age or English isn't your native language.

Honestly I wouldn't know where to put my money were I betting.

The relatively good spelling might just be a byproduct of a word processor program with a spell check feature.

I'd say these dudes are giving good advice so I won't go into that, I just want to solve the mystery for my own satisfaction, as my mind is boggled.

BOGGLED!

I really am 17 years and English is my first langange and I really in the 11th grade. I good at Math but not English. I don't even know myself how I made it to English III without being held back but I know that the more I write the better I get and yes the good spelling is from spell check because spelling is one of my big weak points.

= \

I'm not sure how much I can buy that. The specific grammar and sentence structure is very reminiscent of people whose first language is not English.


But yeah, its good that you're trying to improve. A lot of people either get upset at criticism or ignore it entirely. At least you have that going for you.


Edit: Thinking about it, a fair bit of people I know (albeit dumb ones, frankly) do actually speak like this. Its a lot easier to ignore out loud. As said, you should look at the way others type. Most of us, I think, are moderately less verbose when speaking aloud as opposed to typing. (For me this is so I don't have to repeat myself or clarify things to stupid people, but I digress.) Assuming this is the case, try typing something differently than how you would say it aloud.