The Warring States of NPF - Dreams that will never be fulfilled

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julford Hajime (Post 973661)

Right now, actually. Just a culmination of several stresses in general making me explode a lot lately. I owe quite a few people apologies, but fuck 'em. They're all horrible people that deserve a lot worse than me just yelling, tbh >.>

I've always wanted to be a writer. I had a couple books at one point, but since moving across the country to Seattle and then back to Detroit, I've lost those. My biggest thing was just that I didn't have the drive for it. I could get behind a character idea, and plan out an entire story arc, including major characters, events, etc., but... Well, basically I could make the skeletal outline. I just can't stand wasting time inserting boring detail after boring detail, and I give up on it. I got that far three times, and abandoned the project before that half a dozen times before.

Then again, I'm going to school to be a teacher, so I suppose I won out in the end.

You don't like boring details and you want to be a teacher? :D

I'd say my biggest dissapointment and broken dream would be my childhood and the hell that my grandmother put me through.. In another thread I mentioned that I lived in Batshit Mo, in regards to how crazy people are here, but she's a shining example.

Ok Here's a quick rundown of the highlights of my life that she has done everything she can to ruin. Keep in mind that I was raised by her because my dad was unfit to care for me and my mom just plain didn't want me.

1. One of her favorite things she used to tell me when I was a kid was how she had wished I was never born. She used this every time I fucked up and made a mistake or did something wrong. It didn't really bother me that much when I was a kid, but as I got older I realized what she meant by that.

2. Paranoid as fuck about everybody that gets to know me. As a kid I wasn't allowed to have any friends and no one was allowed to come over. I couldn't spend the night with anybody, I couldn't hang out with anybody, and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without her tagging along right behind me. Until the age of 13 she would freak out if I got out of line of sight of here at the grocery store.

3. Animals. She hates animals. Especially my pets. As I became a teenager and she realized that the whole "I never loved you and wish you'd go away" thing no longer was working on me and I went and did my own thing anyway she stumbled upon a weakness of mine. My pets. I discovered this one day when we got into an argument in the car as we were leaving house. One of my cats was on the side of the street. To illustrate her point, she drove off the side of the road and killed Stripe (he had a black and white stripe down his face like a skunk). She then told me that it was my fault that she had to do that.

4. Girlfriends. She hated women. Paranoid as hell about girls. I made the mistake as a teenager of letting her find out that I thought a girl as school was pretty. She had me change schools. For years she would flip completely out if I was seen or even if she suspected that I was talking to a girl. As I got older I stopped telling her anything at all about any girls that I was seeing. The funny thing was that the other day she called me and wanted to see how I was doing. One of the big points was how she wanted to talk to me and ask if I was gay because she only ever saw me around other guys. /facepalm/

5. High School Events. I was not allowed under any circumstance to participate in any after school events, whether it be dances, festivals, sports, band, etc. All of it was off limits. I was to go home from school every single day and if I went somewhere else first without her trying to tag along first she would freak out. One day out of spite I told granny that I was going to stay after school and do baseball tryouts. She declared that I would not do this. I figured I was out of pets, what more could she do for me. Later that day after school the police show up at the field and I get taken into custody. She had called the police and claimed that I hadn't been home in three days and she was afraid that I'd ran away. No one believed my story because it was just so fucking unbelievable.

6. Education. Granny never graduated from school. Her kids didn't graduate from school, and she was damned and determined that I wasn't going to graduate. During my junior year of high school she all but begged me to drop out and look after her full time. I kept refusing, but in all honesty my grades were really bad because I wasn't paying attention and I didn't care. I'd told my teachers how she was before and only one of them believed me but he kept saying he didn't have the authority to do anything about it. Eventually it got so bad that I got demoted from normal high school to a alternative school program. I went from being around people that were more or less just as intelligent as I was, to being stuck with people who's biggest goals in life were to drive around in big trucks and spray mud everywhere every day of their life. Needless to say, Granny got her way. I dropped out. Shit didn't last long though and I ended up taking my GED and passed it on my first try without even really studying at all for it. For awhile after that I have been looking at Colleges but am a little overwhelmed by all of it due to the fact that I know nothing about them. Recently I've decided to move to California and get away from this place. You know what granny tried to bribe me with to stay? She offered to pay for my college. When I confronted her about all the times she told me that I was too stupid for college she insisted that she never said that.

7. Drugs. I never did drugs because my dad was an addict and I didn't want to turn out like him. During school I was always in fights because I was stressed out at home and kids would pick on me at school, and I was eternally in the principles office or being expelled. Granny decided to solve this. She ended up getting a prescription for Ritalin. I did not seem to be responding to it the first couple days she gave it to me, so she started having me take two pills a day. When she saw that I was starting to calm down she figured that if two were good, then three would be better. It took the doctor's three fucking needles full of muscle relaxers to get my spasms to stop. I was unconscious for 3 hours. Granny claimed that I had taken them myself. Once again the docs listened to her over me.

8. Moving away. I have moved away from her twice. Both times I have moved to a different town. The first time I moved away I was 19 and had my own apartment that I shared with a friend of mine (this friend later slept with my girlfriend while I was at work, but that's a different story), and granny would drive the 30 miles a day to park in front of my yard and honk her horn at me trying to get me to come out and pay attention to her. She refused to come into the house because she claimed that it wouldn't be right. The other tenants of the building ended up reporting her for noise and she was banned from the premises. I ended up moving back in with her when my room mate screwed me over on his half of the rent. She claimed that she was glad to have me back and that she would be nicer to me which was one of the stipulations. That lasted about a week. I was back and she thought she had me trapped real good now. I ended up moving away to a town a little over 80 miles away from her. You know what she did? She sold her house and moved after me. This is the same woman that while I was a kid, would buy a house. Fix it up. live in it for about 6 months, and then sell it for less than she bought it for because she thought she could get a cheaper one that was smaller. The only reason she isn't moving now is because my grandpa died and she can't afford to move anymore.

7. Speaking of Grandpa. She used to treat him like dirt too. She used to spit on him and yell at him all the time. Grandpa was a kind hearted man and why he ever married that shrew I'll never know. He ended up getting emphysema or however you spell it, from all his years of smoking. My aunt was supposed to live with them since she was a registered nurse. This would allow her to get paid full time but still look after grandpa. Well my aunt is an awful lot like my grandma. A bitch. A big big bitch. Grandpa eventually got too weak to walk, and he was never good with machines so he required her to turn on his respirator for him when he was having attacks. Eventually she stopped doing this due to my grandma's encouragement. When I moved back in for a few weeks grandpa would come to me for his medicine and to operate his machines instead of my aunt. I wish to this day that I had reported my aunt because a few years later grandpa died. Guess what he died of? Kidney infection. Know how he got a kidney infection? His catheter hadn't been changed in over 3 months.

So I think I'll stop this little novel right here. This is the cause of my broken dreams for sure. I know this was supposed to be a humorous thread and honestly a lot of the stuff I posted probably is funny to some people, and I'm not looking for pity or baaaaaw or any of that stuff. I just through you guys might like to get a kick out of this shit. No wonder my dad ended up being an addict.