NO! The Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding!!
 

This was an email I got from my older brother. If you haven't received this before, take a gander.

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Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey
collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated
$7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel,
would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together.
Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the
universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys
would make if collided at those high speeds.

"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been
heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an
impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand things like
the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding
monkeys sound like?"

But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights lobby,
decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be put to better
use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut off, the future of
our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed convinced
lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union in
monkey-colliding technology. Funds were quickly allocated so that Reed could
spend a week procuring monkeys on Florida's beautiful Captiva Island. Though
Reed returned with a great tan and a beautiful young fiancee, he reported
that there were no monkeys to be found on the sunny Gulf Coast island.
Congress funded subsequent trips to the Cayman Islands, Bora Bora and Cancun,
but these searches also yielded negative results.

Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress was
close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got the idea to
utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The Congressional
Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled by the idea of
watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding by 40 percent.

With a steady supply of monkeys ensured, construction of the monkey collider
began on a scenic Colorado site. Despite environmental pressure, a mountain
was levelled to facilitate construction of the seven-mile-wide complex. Huge
underground tunnels were dug, at a cost of billions of dollars and 17 lives.
Money left over was used to build resort homes, spas and video arcades for
Reed, his colleagues and several Congressmen.

Construction of the collider's acceleration mechanism was delayed for years,
as scientists couldn't decide how to get the monkeys up to smashing speed.
Last month, it was finally decided that the collider would employ a system in
which the monkeys run through the tunnels chasing holographic projections of
bananas. "Monkeys love bananas," Reed said, "and they're willing to run
extremely fast to get them."

But now it seems the acceleration mechanism may never be built. With the
monkey collider placed on indefinite hold, the huge research facility in
Colorado lies dormant. To keep the space from going to waste, Congress Monday
voted to convert the empty underground tunnel into a federally funded
drag-racing track. The track is expected to create hundreds of jobs in the
form of pit crews and concessions workers, and will allow President Bush to
impress important foreign dignitaries with America's wheelie technology.

Despite this promising alternate plan, most involved with the monkey collider
project feel the sudden cuts in funding are inexcusable. "It is a travesty of
science," Reed said. "I remember the joy I felt in college when I would
launch monkeys at one another with big rubber bands, and this project would
have been even more enlightening."

that sounds way to false expecaly the dialong

Edited by an increasingly irritated Mashirosen. Highonprawns, if I see one more spammy thing out of you, you're gone.

Some of the facts are poorly researched it would seem.

Luckily my third uncle was a member of the project. He has asked me to clarify that there were, in fact, monkeys in Cancun, but they were too dangerous to use in a scientific experiment. According to him, the team couldn't even get within 15' of them before they started flinging feces.

Ew.

"-So I said: Supercollider? I barely know her!"

...who thoght to start the collider project? Some guy "Let's start an experiment to slam apes together just to see what happens!" That aside I feel bad for the loss of the collider. Just think of the advances in monkey launching that we will never discover...

It's obvious we will simply have to move on to the next evolutionary step: Authors of webcomics that blatently rip off 8-bit and BnG.

"Ok...if we hurled megaman and fighter together at light speed..." I'm thinking there would be a 'splosion.

They should rearange the parts so it makes a monkey launcher. That'd be cool.

Goddamn, I have taken too much allergy medication.

This IS a travesty of science!!!!! How DARE they cut funding to something this important!!!!!?????

hehheh