Funny quotes
 

Post funny quotes!
It doesn't matter where they are from (books,tv-shows,movies,comics, mangas etc.), just post 'em ! :D

I'll start with:
"Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!. I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I've tried left, left, up, b, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. And you know, they say you're supposed to go right, b, up, dodge, left, upperc-- heh, listen to me telling you how to play the game." (Petter Griffin- family guy)

"cuz i dont have a care if i dont have a load in my underwear" -mark hoppus of blink

Not so much a funny quote as a philosophy on life.

"Outside of Stalag 13, the word Klink doesn't mean anything other than the sound of two glasses knocking together." ~ Colonel Hogan (Hogan's Heroes)

I've got tons more, but they're on a file on my other computer.

"I want a Monterey Jack sandwich." "You want a cheese sandwich?" "No, I want meat." "What kind?" "MONTEREY JACK!"

- A good buddy of mine, quite drunk at Subway.

"I'm getting wheel-barrow drunk tonight." "Awesome, let's go get wheelchair'd."
- Another two friends.

"My friend, now is not a time to be making enemies." - Commonly thought to be the last words of Voltaire, after a priest asked him if he renounced the devil. Not sure if he really said it, but I was amused by it.

"I can see that your years at m.i.t really pay for themself."-Barney Calhoun to Gordon Freeman in Half Life 2

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
A classmate's advice to another classmate. Only he was serious.

"What do you think you are?"
"A smart ass"
"You have to be smart to be a smart ass, otherwise your just being an ass"
Teacher and stupid classmate at school.

Awesome exchange that my sister and I would have with our mom about 3 times a week.

"Stop being a smart ass." "Better than a dumb ass." "Keep it up, you can try being a dead ass."

“Lesbian Nazi hookers, abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all that, tonight.” – UHF

“It would be impossible for you to steal a tiger tank, therefore I suspect you.” ~ Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Hogan's Heroes)

“I will throw those men into the cooler for the rest of their lives. Even after the war. Even if we lose!” ~ Colonel Wilhelm Klink (Hogan's Heroes)

“Giant rats? It's like the start of every bad adventure tale my grandfather used to tell.” ~ Ser Gilmore (Dragon Age)

Sten: People are not simple. They can not be defined for easy reference in the manner of: “the elves are a lithe, pointy-eared people who excel at poverty.”
(Dragon Age: Origins)

this is too much fun.