Chapter One: Name-Calling
Name-calling is a proud and honored tradition amongst the insulting elite. It is the keystone around which all good insults are built. Let us take a moment, then, to look at just how to come up with original, interesting names to spring on those you encounter in your day to day experiences.
Like poetry, name-calling has a rhythm. This rhythm
must not be tampered with. If you ignore the rhythm going in, your fellows will come to the conclusion that you cannot conjugate a proper insult and laugh heartily while sipping their tea. A most heinous future for you, indeed. The proper rhythm is that the name can always be broken down into an even number of words. Even the commonly used "asshole" is composed of "ass" and "hole".
Furthermore, every set of two words ought to be treated as a single word, like the "asshole" example used earlier. Following every two word grouping, there ought to be a space. This two-space-two-space pattern not only allows the name to flow much more easily, but makes it easier to ensure that you are sticking to the even number rule. While, in theory, it is possible to keep a name going on indefinitely, most prefer to stick to two two word groups. (A total of four words) Doing this keeps it straightforward and simple, and makes it easy to avoid reusing any of the words later on.
Let's talk about -ing verbs. Sitting, standing, talking, walking, etc. Any curse word can generally have -ing attached to it and still function well within a two word grouping. The only notable exceptions are "ass" and "bitch". The word "assing" generally doesn't make any sense, which is fine, but the fact that "ass" is so commonly used on its own makes it's nonsensical nature stand out in a negative way, and breaks the flow of the insult. "Bitching" is, by contrast, a perfectly legitimate word, and a welcome addition to any insult. However, it rarely fits in properly with the name-calling portion of the insult. We'll talk more about "bitching" in a later chapter. Also keep in mind that one should avoid using an -ing verb in the final two word grouping of the name, for grammar's sake.
The name itself can generally be any combination of swears, so long as it sticks to all previously mentioned rules. For example: "You shitdicking cockass." However, do not underestimate the utility of non-curse words. There are fewer rules for what works or doesn't when inserting non-swears into the name. It is a good idea, though, to include at least one swear in every two word pairing. Returning to the "asshole" example, we see that it is composed of a swear (ass) and a non-swear (hole). "Hole" is a commonly used non-swear in name-calling, as is bag. Don't stifle your creativity though. If you aren't confident in you insulting abilities just yet, it may be best to play it on the safe side, but a good insult will always bring something new to the table.
Example: "You rainbowshitting waffledick."
Using the rules taught in this chapter, it should be easy for you to insult friends, foes, and even family members at a moments notice, showing just what a respectable gentleman you are in that regard.
