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-   -   Why Can't I own A Canadian? (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showthread.php?t=38862)

Seil 10-01-2010 02:21 AM

Why Can't I Own A Canadian?
 
So this was years and years and years ago, but was pulled from a radio show that my mum told me of recently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Info
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Letter
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

I am a Canadian, and what I was wondering is why I can't own any Americans?

bluestarultor 10-01-2010 02:29 AM

Okay, that? That's fucking awesome. :D

Rep++;

The Artist Formerly Known as Hawk 10-01-2010 02:33 AM

I think I might bookmark this page so I can reference it forever!

Rejected Again 10-01-2010 02:54 AM

This has been around for a while, but it is still awesome to read. A copy was sent into my local paper as a reply to an editorial complaining about Iowa allowing gay marriage.

Kim 10-01-2010 05:34 AM

Letter is based on something from West Wing, IIRC, said by a character to Not Doctor Laura, which is to say it was Doctor Laura, only Not.

Another thing about how assholes selectively quote the bible

Professor Smarmiarty 10-01-2010 06:09 AM

Leviticus is part of the Priestly text written by a bunch of priests basically to confirm their right to preach to people and to cofirm the morals they taught. I nother words its wacky shit.

Kim 10-01-2010 07:48 AM

And that's why the LDS church added shit to the bible so they could say homosexuality is bad.

BitVyper 10-01-2010 08:02 AM

You can't own Canadians because we will fuck you up with our ornithopters. And then we'll burn the White House down for good measure. Even if you aren't American.

Geminex 10-01-2010 09:30 AM

I thought they were just impossible to house-train.

krogothwolf 10-01-2010 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geminex (Post 1077711)
I thought they were just impossible to house-train.

That, and we tend to have all the woman flock to us instead of our owners with our charming personalities and good looks.


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